Well, it happened, the house came through and I'm pretty much in there now. We have told s6 that mummy and daddy find it very difficult to live together and that we both love him to the stars and back.
Actually, he seems pretty OK with this. W and I make a good parenting team - one of our strengths and fortunately i think we are both able to see past our current sitch to put him first.
W and I talk often.
She has a bf. I'm not sure about how this is panning out and I'm not asking. What I do know is that the times when I have my S6 are the times when she sees a lot of him. That hurts. It looks like shes living in a parallel universe - where life/experiences with me cannot happen because there's never time / opportunities...yet I create those opportunities for her.
As with OM this bf lives close by, works close by. I spend 2+ hours commuting every day. And given this sitch some of me is inclined to dump the current job - but no, can't do that - it brings in too much money and has enabled W to be p/t for 6 years now.
Bitter, I should say so! But not blaming... I think back to the DAM me and know that I had a huge huge part to play in where we are.
I am trying to be my w's friend...doing a pretty good job of that i think - despite the swirling emotions. I love my W. Simple as that. I hope she sees me as a good place to fall. I am...I am not the man I was - that man was an a$$. More than anything I am trying to give real space. Which is hard when knowing about her bf.
Keeping going with this path rather than reacting hurt and doing something spiteful is sometimes challenging but I want to be true to my real character and I am not a spiteful or bitter person. No I'm a really tolerant, kind person, but not an a$$ kisser - its finding that line that is tricky.
Letting go...with love and hope for a positive outcome.
KBO - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Good one HforF!!! Pleased though someone else would have done similar! She did thank me for it - so i think she realises what a stretch this was for me...W generally is pretty poor at thanking me for anything like that.
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Update:- Things with house rolling on pretty well - there's a lot of stuff needs doing but I don't mind tackling stuff like that - enjoy it even...
W invited me as a friend on FB and so I thought why not - and while I'm there I sent a load of invites to fellow DBers who were there. All was fine until FB in its wisdom thought I might like to be W's current bf's friend and told me that they are "related". Errrmmm, no I don't think so...so I've killed my account. Always thought it has the potential to cause disharmony and thats enough indication for me!
Looking to get into some coaching stuff and getting on with "it".
KBO - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Best Friends ? (with W) I don't think so now. I think your main focus should be more on adequate co parenting with W and being friendly with her, but maybe not best friends. I think trying to be her best friend would get in the way of your process of moving on with your life. The last line of your last post shows (I think) that you have the realisation that you need to move on.
Hey I want to be a friend on this board but I want to hear loads of stuff about what you gonna be doing for the future. I don't wanna be hearing about W and her BF.
So I've got my listening ears on for your updates.
Hi Lan - i hear what you're saying and fwiw I think you're spot on...I guess that while i am holding out hope here I am holding up a necessary process and laying myself down as a doormat along the way...
Well here is what I have on my plate right now:
House which needs a lot of work/diy - not just cosmetic - and we're heading into winter - clocks changing soon - arghhh
FT job with a cr@ppy commute
S6 - wonderful boy - usually spend 2 nights a week with him and lots of time over weekend - but want to get my place sorted out as soon as poss so he can come to me
Badminton twice weekly
Runs/swims to get in to keep me in with a chance of completing a few tris next year
PTA Christmas Fayre Programme to organise
School Holiday Camp to get off ground
Local playgroup treasurer role
just need the proverbial broom up my @rse to complete my life at the moment!
See - didn't mention W once!!! No time!!!
Thanks Lan...
KBO - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
just need the proverbial broom up my @rse to complete my life at the moment!
LMAO!!!!
Hey GFI,
There isn't a total ban on mentioning W, I just wanted to make sure you were aligned in the right direction. I mean she got a BF you gotta get a life and by the sounds of it you've got a busy agenda.
Just for my information do you intend to fix the house up on your own or do you have money to pay someone. My house renonovations are nearly done but its cost me a packet.
what types of people are you meeting in your hectic schdule, are they the sort you can interact with easily, make a new circle of friends ?
You keeping in trim for you tri's,(wow) how are your injuries at the moment, are you still doing your seven mile runs.
Sorry if it sound like I'm probing, but I want to feel more like I'm pushing you along.
Actually it was good to get that stuff down cos it made me realise what I'm managing to deal with at the moment...with no ill effects...
I intend doing the majority of what I can myself - short of new roof - which mortgage co said was needed...I can manage bits of plumbing/electical and grunt work - levelling floors, plastering and so on - and as i said, i enjoy it...managed to do a fair bit on house before - although W feigned disinterest in the process - being absolutely no help whatsoever and moaning about the mess - despite grousing about the state of the place pre-me getting it sorted out. Actually, she has always seemed pretty ambivalent about the results to which now I hold against her cos I largely did all of those things out of acts of service. Although I do realise that my timing was off! you see, i bust a gut trying to show her I loved her through sorting these things out - when what she really wanted/needed was emotional + physical connection - although me being such a Dam was not on the same page. Isn't it sh!t how smart you can be after the event!
I have an advantage this time though cos if I make a mess I don't have to make sure everything is tidied up! That alone can double the length of a job!
On my badminton nights - i play with friends - some work/some outside work. They're not super social but have more potential...I simply enjoy the game and so do these guys...and gals...
The school stuff/playgroup/PTA - well...they are pretty much as you imagine in a smallish Derbyshire village!!! But I get a lot personally out of putting something back into the community and feeling part of it. And they're really good people - not the folks I would have chosen years ago for a night on the town with but now, well, I've become more and more tolerant and respectful of a wider range of people and I don't mind my time being taken up in this way - although of course - it is de rigour to moan about it! These activities fit well with my professional interest in education, outdoor activities and community education/ provision - I could bore for Britain on it if need be!
We're about to get a fund-raiser into the village!!! We have so many small groups/clubs here - all fighting to raise money - yours truly had the idea of getting a fundraiser type person who can act as the focus for all such activity and store info about bids/demographics etc - which you need if applying - and will also work to put groups in touch with one another - so they can work on a collaborative bid! Anyhow, the idea has been taken up by the parish council and it looks like a goer!!!
On to the injuries...leg all cleared up - the medical consensus was that the last episode with my leg was a stress fracture - which, thanks to the mysterious workings of the NHS has now cleared up without any intervention apart from self-imposed rest. Have managed a couple of adventure races but with house, S6 and commute my regular / swimming has dropped off - which I am disappointed about but determined to sort out. you see, at the moment, my schedule is all to cock trying to get my new place more habitable and dealing with running between work, W/S6 and new home.
Tomorrow I intend reconnecting with a few of my pub-group friends - these are folks I dropped like a stone when the bomb hit - this was largely an act of self preservation, and was I think necessary at the time - i had to do it cos of the drinking issue. But given the current state of affairs i see no reason to live in self imposed excile as far as this area of my life is concerned. Anyhow, its important to me to feel that I am still part of this village; W has taken over the "going out" mantle over the past 18 months and its time I re-entered the scene a bit. If not that then there is a friend (woman) I've been seeing very casually who said she would be free if I fancied climbing and a drink after...nothing at all serious...don't want it - of course what I want is for my W and I to rediscover the excitement and love we had for each other...so any sort of serious "other" relationship is way down the line for me.
All my efforts at the moment are to be towards S6 and making sure he's on an even keel with everything. And when i have some respite from the day job - getting on with my new pad.
And Lan - thanks for pushing - i really appreciate it...
KBO - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Sorry to hear about BF. Suspected it. The OM seems to be a kind of truism on this BB. It's hard, I know. But you can rise above and bring stability to the chaos - you've already proven that.
I understand the dropping people and self-preserving. In a bit of the same sitch, though am slowly re-emerging. Be patient with yourself, okay? We both are finding new ways to live and it's hard.
Best advice I can give is, get your place into a state where it supports you. You aren't a second-class citizen; you deserve a warm and supporting home. Take the time to make it into that.
You're in derbyshire? I spent a year at Nottingham during my undergrad days.
