Another one bites the dust (2)

[No Longer BH]

Wow Ready, when put to the challenge you sure deliver. Today is a much better day. You made the statement why would I keep NC up if it is not working. I have thought about this long and hard. I am doing it so that I can detach to a helathy place. So that I dont have expectations when he does reach out to me. So that I can appreciate him as a friend and that is all. At this moment I want more (cant you tell from my previous post). I dont want to just be his friend...I want him to be my H and me his W.

So, I will detach and live my merry life for the next month to really get to a peaceful place. I will then evaluate where I am at to see if I am ready to reach out. Day by day, as lwb would say. Focus on the now, not on "what might be." Each day is getting better, just had a down moment. Thank you so much for all of your wonferful insight. It really helps. When I can handle the possibility of rejection and dont count on anything but what he offers, then I know I can reach out ot him.

[Ready2Change]

I am glad you thought about this long and hard. Having NC to detach to a health place is "THE RIGHT CHOICE". It is very import for you to get to a point where you will be OK without him.

I posted this to Joe earlier today, but I think it applies to all of us:

I believe we need to get to a point where we treat S like we would a stranger. We also need to get to a point where we treat strangers very kindly. Then, IF S shows interest in us, we can slowly start treating S better than anyone else we know.....

I am having so much fun opening doors for ladies. Smiling at ladies. Complimenting ladies. Listening to ladies. Remembering there names. Paying attention to details about there lives.....

GAL

[No Longer BH]

Exactly Ready. I read that if we want to feel love in our lives, we first have to ofer it out. The challenge was to smile at as few as 50 strangers in a week. Not fake smile, but genuine smiles and to be kind and gratious to EVERYONE who enters our lives, even if it is only for 5 seconds. That is what I have been doing these last couple of weeks. I have also been keeping a gratitude journal...it has helped me to see where I am so fortunated and blessed.

You know what, everyday I have so many people smiling back at me that it makes me feel like it is a wonderful world and a great day. Now, if I could only feel that way about STBXH....but, it is only because I had a weak moment here lately and have not completely detached. This is my baggage, not his. He is living the vida loca. Not my concern, and the quicker I live by that the better. Thank you wise one.

[No Longer BH]

So, I just got back from a great weekend with my friends in Indiana. I cant believe how blessed I am to have so many wonderful people in my life. I was able to laugh and smile and feel really good. I could not ask for anything more.

I want to share a story about my closest friend. She was married to my STBXH brother for two years back when I was in my early 20s. She was not happy in her life and met another man that she worked with. She divorced my BIL and within 6 months was remarried to her new H. She saw him as her savior because he was the complete oposite of what my BIL is. After about 4 years of M to new H (who, I just want to add, is a very delightful person and worships the ground she walks on) she started to feel unhappy in her M. Instead of addressing the cracks that were appearing, she kept running away from the issues. Now she has been married to new H for 11 years and is doing all of the same things many WAS have done. She has rewritten history (never loved him), wants to run away and start a new life, nothing can fix the R...you all know the drill. The one thing she did NOT do was have an A. Over the last 6 months she has been opening up to me about how she feels and how she wants a D. IT really helped to have a WAS perspective many times on a sitch that I was going through with STBXH. I would want to say something to him to get him to "wake up" and she would tell me how it would make her feel (like please, havent you been controlling enough!!) She really is a great friend and a wonderful person, I just think she is lost. SHe thinks a D will free her and allow her to move on to happiness.

I, on the other hand, have giver her the perspective of the LBS. I think it was because of me that she actually did try to save her M at one point. She did put in her all for a short time to try and get the love back. Unfortunately, it was at a point where her new H was severly depressed and unable to fix anything.

So, here is where I am going with this. Two weeks ago she finally desided that staying M was making her depressed and she had to get out. She told her H she wanted a D. They live in Portland, OR and can print out the self divorce forms online (no kids). They agreed how everything should be divided and started to seperate out their finances. On Thursday, they took the forms to the court clerks office. She asked them if he wanted to get served or wanted to sign the paperwork saying he was served. He signed. She asked if they wanted to waive the 60 waiting period, they waived it. She asked if it was contested or uncontested...uncontested. SHe took the paper work and said that the judge would sign off on it in the morning and it would be done. They both stood looking at her with the deer in the headlights kind of stare and asked what did that mean. Apparently 24 hours later they are now officially D. She called me crying saying she did not think it would happen that fast and she is really scared. She keeps occialting between she wanted the D and regret. The one thing she kept saying over and over again, though, was that she regretted leaving her first H, that she never got over him and it was so wrong that she had the A. Because she did what she did so many people got hurt including herself. I just told her that I hoped that this time she learned from all of those mistakes and that she starts to work on herself so that she does not hurt herself or others again.

When I got back from my trip, STBXH had mowed the yard, changed the cat litter and bought me a bottle of wine. I was very kind to him like I always am. He wanted to know how my health is doing (good by the way) and I said I am doing fine. He told me he thought I was withholding that info to punish him. I said no, I dont talk about it with anyone. It is MY business. If anything comes up that he needs to know about I will tell him. He is starting to try and reach out to me again, but it is way too soon for me. I know he is still with OW and that knowledge still hurts. When I am at a place where I dont care who he is with, then I know I am ready to try and just be friends.

[LL44]

Welcome back, and glad you had such a great weekend!!!

He is starting to try and reach out to me again, but it is way too soon for me.

I think he is trying these little things...just maybe....to see how you will react. Stay with me here...maybe he is SUPER unsure about what he wants (OW? You?), but he is terrified. Terrified of being rejected by you, terrified to do the 'work' it would take to come back to you, etc. Maybe he is just trying these little things just to see how you will react.

Your story about your friend is so sad. Wow.

[No Longer BH]

lwb, thanks for stopping back by. Do I think STBXH is having doubts...no, I dont. I think his actions are all about him. He left a W who could be dying from cancer for a needy unattractive OW. He is trying to relieve his guilt by being nice to me. Nothing more. If I start to read into his actions I will be going down a road where I am hanging on his every word, looking for that little sign of hope. I have come to the belief that as long as they have OW, they are not going to be looking at us. We are the annoying nats buzzing around them looking for attention when all they want to do is swat us. I refuse to be that anymore. I have told him over and over I would be willing to work on R, he just shook his head and said I would be nothing more than a friend to him. I need to move on.

By removing myself from the sitch I am allowing myself to heal and move on in my life. I had a friend tell me he needs to see me succeeding and moving forward, while he is still stuck in the same place. That this is where he MAY start thinking about what he really wants from his life. He doesn't have to go there as long as he knows I still haven't gone anywhere. A man who is really ready to commit and work on the marriage will end it with OW, and mine has not.

When I got back from my trip I found his computer bag and went through it. I know, I know, not my finest moment. He had all of the paper work needed for the mediation ready to go. Made me see that if he wasnt sure, he would not be that prepared. So, here I am being very friendly but closed off as well. I do not email him, but he does not email me either. I do not answer the phone when he calls, but he rarely calls. I dont not tell him any of my plans (although he does ask when I am walking out the door). I am just acting as if my life is great even though it is falling completely apart at times. I know that it will get better and am counting on that.

[LL44]

I am just acting as if my life is great even though it is falling completely apart at times.

Oh my girl, do I know what you mean by that.

I know that it will get better and am counting on that.

Yes, my friend. It will.

My H is like yours. Not doing a THING to come back. In fact, doing everything to move forward. Heck, when he broke it off with OW, I thought for sure, he'd be back. Nope.

We are the annoying nats buzzing around them looking for attention when all they want to do is swat us

Wow. I used to call this the "LWB Show". I would put on my best face, my best act, be the best person around him, tell him funny stories about the kids, etc....trying to draw him in. I am mortified thinking back to that, and do not do that anymore.

We are in such similar emotional spots.

PS: Glad you are feeling good. Yay!

[No Longer BH]

I have to say, though, that I hope I am getting to him some. When I left to leave town Friday night he had no idea where I was going. I was dressed so darn cute. He told me 3 times that I looked great. I thanked him and had to smile to myself, I looked great for a 4 hour drive in my car. O'well, it did make me feel good and that's all that matters. I secretly want him to think "Man, I am missing out on that. Maybe, just maybe...." but again, I dont count on it. I always look d@mn good when he shows up, for me, but also as a jab to him.

[karen43]

The challenge was to smile at as few as 50 strangers in a week. Not fake smile, but genuine smiles and to be kind and gratious to EVERYONE who enters our lives, even if it is only for 5 seconds. That is what I have been doing these last couple of weeks. I have also been keeping a gratitude journal...it has helped me to see where I am so fortunated and blessed.

I think that is so true, BH! I've noticed since I'm so much less depressed this year, and smile at everyone, almost everyone smiles back at me and is so friendly. Everyone does the nicest things for me. I think they say something like you get what you give, but I've actually found when I'm a little giving, I get way more back in return!!! Karen

[slowly]

When I left to leave town Friday night he had no idea where I was going. I was dressed so darn cute. He told me 3 times that I looked great.

This right here is such an achievement

Slowly