I have been asking questions and getting feed back from "Q/A with the WAS", but it appears to be lock up.
So I am adding this:
Well, I made through the night and part of day with WAW, without anything bad happening. We didn't argue, we only had one very short exchange about relationship, which may have given me a little hope. It may be my imagination, but at least I did not get an answer that was final.
W came home and spent the night. This was the first time we have spent the night under the same roof in 4 months. She stayed in the extra bedroom and used the front bathroom. I was in the master bedroom and use the master bath. We had a good visit about general topics, kids, grand kids, her work, my work, her work, and her work. She took and stayed with me for my medical procedure. We went to lunch and she drove me home. She has now gone back to work.
A few observations: 1) We talked about what to do with one of our bedrooms. She said she had thought we would put some of her family's heirlooms furniture in this room. That in itself will not mean anything to you except, 2 weeks ago she said that she would have her B come by and pick that same furniture and store it for her. 2) I have another appointment for another medical procedure 6 months from now. I told her that I would find someone else to take me to that appointment. She said that is OK, she will do it. 3) The only R talk was when she said good-by. She gave me huge and I asked when is this going to change. She “I don’t know”. As if she maybe re-thinking D. She did not say it, but you had to be there to understand what I mean. Of course it my be my imagination.
But all in all I think this 18-hour visit went real well. I was a littler quitter than usual, but she talked about her job most of the time anyway. I did the listening. By the way she talks all she has now is her job/work nothing else of any real meaning.
Your comments are welcomed. I/We have a tendency to read more into something that is real there. However, this could be another baby step in the right direction.
Your encouragement here has been great for me. I feel stronger than I have before now. You guys here are an inspiration. Thanks
I am feeling stronger every day, but each morning I start out a little low. Each Day it gets a little better. I DO NOT like being alone. That may be the hardest thing for me.
The procedure went real well yesterday. The Doc. wants me to come back in 6 month for same procedure. It is looking good. Thanks for asking.
“sounds like she is second guessing herself. continue to lay low...make her think!”
Yes, I think your right. (I hope) She may wish to start over as friends and move forward from that point. I got Dr. Phil’s CD on Relationship Rescue and have started listening to it. It in conjunction with DR/DB is giving me some good information.
I include a funny card in her mail that she picked up when she was at home. She sent me an email telling about her paying her bills. She also thanked me for lunch and the card. she said it made her laugh. I know that is better than making her cry. I emailed back tell her that she was welcome and to have a good trip this coming weekend.
I am sorry that you are getting information on H and OW. I know that hurts. It keeps that wound open and the pain fresh. It must be hard on you. Hang in there, stand up straight and keep your head into the wind. They say the information is power, but in this case it my not be good information. In that case it may be better to say no news is good news.
I see that you are up late studying. I have always told my students that being rested for a test is just as important as the knowledge you have for the test. It is important for you to stay focused for these finals. I know it is easer said than done right now, but this is an important time for you. Your sitch will be there when you get back to it, Get by the important time for you and then get back to the sitch.
Well, I think I have had major improvement in my sitch, which I think is positive for a change. This may be rather long so please bare with me. I want to get as much in here so you can give me your thoughts.
First a brief overview of my sitch, married 33 yrs. For 3 yrs. W works in another town and stayed there during the week and came home on weekends. 5 months age W tells that she has grown to much for our static relationship. She loves me, but not in love in with me, my anger has gotten too much for her and she want to pursue her career. She wants D, but not right away, but want to separate. We have some contact mostly semi-formal. Past 2 months communication and demeanor between has improved. I have been seeing C for weekly for all five months, she is not. I have read and practicing DB/DR. C tells me I have more improvement in myself than others she has seen in over 30 yrs.
Over the last 2 months I have invited W to a couple of family and social functions and has turn out well. We give each other hugs and kisses when arriving and leaving each other company, but nothing more friendly types. This last two days are deferent. At the beginning of the week W emails me and asked me if I would like to go to GS ballgame with her. This is the first invitation that she offers me and of course I accept. Later that day she calls me asking if she could spend the night. Once again I agree. I am not sure why she is making the overtures, but I am not going to let that stand in my way. I see this as a possible good thing. So I start to make special plans for our evening at home together. I am gambling that is will not push her away, I after the other functions; I felt I had better than even odds in my favor.
We meet at our house and drive to GS ball game together. Our conversation is limited to small talk about our jobs. After the ball game we return home. I first offer a glass of wine. That she accepts. I then set the stage; I lit ten candles that were on the fireplace. I turn on some very slow dancing music and asked her to dance. She loves to dance, but that was one of the thing s did not want us to do just after she drop the bomb. She jumped up and said that she would like to dance. The CD had 17 50s and 60s love songs on it. We did not stop dancing until the CD ended. We danced together like to young people in lust. The belt buckle shining and bumping and grinding type of dancing. She love every song on the CD.
We then took a break and I went in to the master bath and drew a hot tub of water added bubble bath, rose peddles, and two light stick to the bath water. I then place 15 candle around the tube and lit them, turn off the lights the tube glowed. I then Blindfold the W and walker in to the bedroom that had a trail of rose peddles lead from the door to the bathtub. She was overwhelmed; she had never had anything like this in her life. I left in the bathroom to undress and get in the tub. I brought her another glass of wine and her expression on her face was a surprise smile. I turn on the music again and left to soak for as long as she wished. When she was ready to get out I brought her two towels that I had warmed up in the close dryer. She found a satin nightgown and rub in her closet and put it on. It is the first time in years that she was able to wear it. She came back in the living room and we danced and cuddle on couch for another two hours. When it was time to go to bed she instead that we was to sleep in the extra bedroom and that if she came into my room later I was to turn her away. (You bet I would), but I agreed. By the way the bed she was sleeping in had rose peddles in it and on the floor. I had 3 candle lit setting in front of a marrow. It was so great to see her smile and make so soft sensual sounds of pleasure of what she had just experienced. NO SEX just dancing and cuddling.
The next day we went to the beach, another one of her favor it spots. Came home and we did night another night like we had before. Two night in a row!!!!! We did not do that when were married, if I had done this when before now I may not be here writing this down for your review,
We did talk about relationship; she is still not sure what she wants. And if she figures it out I may not want to be apart of that idea. I told her then that would be for me to decide. I also started wearing my wedding band, which I have not worn in many years. She was wearing her ring, She asked me of all of these years I just now started to wear it again. She wanted to tell to take it off. She also said that she was thinking taking hers ring off and now I am wearing mine. I told her that first we are still married. Secondly, I have made some bad mistakes over the years and I am trying to correct this one. And third, I want you to know that I am still committed to our relationship. I also told her she take her ring off, but I will not take mine off we sign the paper to our D, if that comes.
After all of this she will not allow me give a passionate kiss. Just pick on the cheek or the lips. After all of the belt buckle shining dancing and bumping and grinding with a satin nightgown no passionate kisses. I do not understand.
I know this was long, but for you to give some feed back I felt it need to be included. I she told me that she had a great time and enjoyed it immensely. She wants me to control myself and not take advantage of her. No passionate kissing, no sex (which I can understand her stopping it, but I am to be the one to hold myself back). She love the tub and the roses. She loved the dancing.
Next week we are going to a dinner and dancing black tie social event for my job. She is all excite about getting a new evening gown, having her make-up put on professionally and about going. One minute she is coming on and the next she is running away. I do not understand!!. I do feel like I am young kid again dating my high school prom queen. I haven't felt like this for years and years and years. Do you think she feel like the prom queen. I do not plan to contact her in any form until late next week. I think she need time to think about what happened the weekend. what do you think?
Please give me your feedback and comments. Thank you for taking so much of your time to read this and respond.
PS I lift out 2 important parts this story. One, W cried a number of time on my shoulder while she helding on to me very tightly while were dancing and while we cuddled on the couch on the first night. No crying on the seconded night that I saw. She would not tell my why she was cring. Two, When she was leaving today, I told her that I loved her and she responded by saying I loved you too and blew me a kiss.
Sorry I should of forgotten those two items of interest.
VS~ GREAT GREAT job with the dancing and candles....WOW!!!! That was awesome!!
her crying...here is my HO, she is scared. She left and is now seconding guessing herself. You are doing things that you have never done....she is wondering WTF is going on??? Are you always going to do this, treat her like this??? She has this gentle side of you caring and nurturing her...and she hasn't seen this in a long time...now what??? And she hurt you??? She is doubting her decision...not only did she hurt you...she hurt your whole family. That is a ton of emotional stress for her. She is releasing it on your shoulders so to say. She has a lot to think about...come back and are you going to continue the "new" you...or go back to the "old" ways??? or continue the dancing in the living room and sweet bubble baths....it's a lot of emotional weight for her to think about.
Give her time. The tears to me show she is opening up. Give her time to process everything. You are for sure on to something. KEEP IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!
You are under par on this green!!!!!
keep your chin up, eye on the ball, grip strong!!! no bunkers here
I'm jealous!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!! love the bubble bath idea!!!! score one for you!!!
let me know if you need me to give more input!!! I am around today..I will be checking in!!!
(((((((((((((((((((VS)))))))))))))))))))
Christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I am glade that you approve of my romantic vision and idea for my W. I was hoping it would not be pushing too much. I truly want to do more of these kinds of things for her. I had so much fun planning it, setting it up and watching her enjoy it that I felt great inside. This is like falling in love all over again. I has also made me realize that I that I am truly in love with her. It makes fee really good inside when I make her happy.
The bubble bath and dancing idea has now become a benchmark for future ideas. I will have to think really hard to top this one. I haven't done this in such along time that it will take some real imagination on my part. Any Ideas you may have help me out and appreciated.
What do you think about the ring thing? She was a little put out that I have started wearing my wedding band. She was going to ask me to take it off. She said that was at a point that she thinking about taking her’s off. I told her that I had made some bad mistake in the past, this is one of them and I am trying to correct it. I also told her that want to show her that I am still committed to our R/M. I then said if she wants to take off her ring she can, but I will not. I do not really want her to take off her ring. I do not know how I would handle that. What do you think?
Like you and other here I am second-guessing myself. I know I am going to make mistakes, but I want to avoid them at all costs.
When I packed up her mail to go back with her. I put an envelope with a number of rose peddles in it and wrote on the outside “Thank you!” She will find it when she goes through mail. I hope it will keep the memory alive in her mind of this weekend and so she will think about it. I know she will tell her friends about the bubble bath and dancing. When they hear what happened they will OOO and AW over it. That will validate it with her as well. I do not plan to contact her this week unless she contacts me first. I want her to digest in her mind what has happened.
What is the deal about no passionate kissing or hand holding.? She gave one passionate kiss, but would not let me return the kiss and she would grab my hand and hold it.
Why did she tell me,"if she came into my room during the night to turn her away"?
Yes, I think I got an Eagle on this hole. I am looking forward to making a bunch more!
I'm relatively new to this, but saw through some of your recent postings that you seem to be meeting your WAW sitch with great success (I'm pulling for you)... What of all the things you've done do you think has helped you the most? I know it's a broad question, but I'm kind of muddling and looking for any nuggets I can find.
Thanks,
AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Where to start? I hate to tell you this, but in my limited experience with my sitch I have not found a single "MAGIC BULLET OR GOLDEN NUGGET" that has put me where I am with my WAW. It has taken me doing a lot of hard work on my part to arrive to this point. We are still not out of the woods, so to speak, but we have arrived into some clearings which seem to become bigger each time we enter into another.
If you have read all of my sitch you will see that I have had some very difficult times over the last7 months. From the dropping of the Bomb to contemplating and coming very close to taking my own life, to find inspiration from the DB/DR and one person on the this forum. Although, my sitch sounds like others here, it is still my sitch and it is deferent form others here.
What I have done may not work for you like it has for me (I hope). However, you should know that there is hope. If you do not give up on that hope, work hard and make meaningful and lasting changes in you yourself first your sitch has a chance. If you are like me having a chance is h#ll of a lot better than no chance at all.
I may not be to tell what will work for you, but what I have done. First, set an appointment with a professional T or C and start working on your problems. You may not think you have any problems, but it takes to tango. Secondly, if you have not, you need to read DB/DR at least two or three times to understand what is actually being said. Third, I suggest your read "Men or from Mars and Woman are from Venus" and make an appointment with a DB coach. I would also read Dr. Phil book "Relationship Rescue" Fourth, GAL (Get a Life) and develop a PMA ( Positive Mental Attitude) this will go a long way in helping you cope with your emotional issues involving your sitch. Fifth, read as many of the posting from this forum, find out what others are doing and what works for them and not. Sixth, Work your #ss off trying to fix what your problems before you start working on your spouse's problems. Seventh, be patient, patient, patient, patient, patient, and even more patient. I can not stress this enough. It is important to be patient. It has taken you and your spouse years of having these problems and it may take a long time to fix them. Eight, do not push and DO NOT LOSE YOUR COOL in front of your W. Ninth, try to be understanding and non-aggressive with your WAW. Communicate and do things on her time schedule. Tenth, if you truly love her you will need to show her and not just tell her. Actions are for stronger than words. Talk to friends about your ideas, lesion to their advice, weight them very carefully, but remember, you are the one that knows your spouse better than anyone else, usage your judgment, your gut feeling. You will to make the final decision. Make it from the heart. You can not change her mind or make her happy unless she is ready. You have to be happy in your own right first. This will important to show her that you are happy. Happiness is contagious.
Remember, this is what I did. This has worked for me. I do not know anything about your sitch, except that you are here. Most of us are here because we need this type of support in our lives right now. This is a good place to be when you want to vent and ask for help. You should also remember that what you will get all kinds of opinions and experience form friends, relatives and other posters here. Read them, take each one and consider it very carefully. In some cases you will need to take it with a grain of salt. Ask questions here before you jump.
I hope this helps. I am sorry that you are here. I also wish I could give you a magic bullet. I hope that your sitch works out. Your sitch will work out the way it's supposed too.
Please keep in touch. Feel free to post back if you should need to vent, crow, or ask a question or two.
