Going through a D really sucks! There's no denying that...
My D is/was the most gut-wrenching thing I've ever had to do. It's all finally going to be over on Friday, 10/3. I couldn't be more happy about getting this all said and done with.
This process made me take a hard look at myself and my life. I thought I had life all squared away before this D, but through the process found many things I could improve about myself. There are many more ways to express love than I'd previously realized... and many of them more effective than what I'd been doing in my M. It's ironic, but D has made me better at truely loving, and no longer taking for granted the most special things in life.
It's unfortunate that the D is going to end up going through as a result of all this, but it's the only option left. I have moved on and there's no going back for me. Too much pain, distrust, and anger have mortally wounded the R between STBXW and I.
She has been acting strange toward me lately...
A little background: W left me for OM. Her A has lasted for 1 year now. She is still with the guy. My attempts to get her to come back failed. In April I met someone special and have been with her since then. She moved to Mexico for a year in July and we've been in a long-distance R ever since.
Last week I went to visit GF in Mexico. Before I left STBXW calls and asks if I'd like to go to dinner with her. I hesitantly accepted the offer out of curiosity. We actually had a civil and pleasant night out. No bombs were dropped or anything like that. She just said she wanted to thank me for all the hard work I've done to get our house ready to sell. Still, it was strange. She also dressed very nicely, which is unusual for her since the S.
I got back from my trip two days ago. STBXW calls me last night to say she needs to talk to me about something before Friday (D-Day). She wanted to meet in person, so I went to her apartment. This time a few bombs dropped...
This is what she had to say... She apologized for everything and said she wished she'd handled it better. She said she hadn't wanted it to come to D. However, she wasn't happy with M so she tried to find happiness somewhere else (enter OM). At first she said she did it in part just to get my attention, but when it did get my attention I freaked out a little too much and she ran to OM. It was supposed to be something we worked out together, but too many other people got involved and W became reclusive out of embarassment (she moved out and ran off to go see OM in his town at every opportunity).
She said she noticed the changes I was making with myself over the next few months, but didn't think they'd stick. She also said she was so sick with what she'd done that she didn't feel she could come back at that point. The interesting thing is that the whole time she was cheating she honestly thought it was temporary and she could come back to me when she was done. She felt this way even after I told her I couldn't take it anymore and we needed to go our separate ways for good. It wasn't until I began dating again that she realized it was over. An interesting thing happened at that point (but she'll never admit it). She wanted me back. She became worried sick and started going through all of the emotions I'd gone through when I found out she was cheating. I truely felt as though I'd had enough, so I ignored the signs she was giving that she wanted to work things out. We went silent for a long time, and the only time we'd talk, it would get ugly.
Toward the end of the civil part of this conversation we had last night she made sure to add that this talk she wanted to have was not about asking me to come back. She just wanted to clear the air between us for good. Unfortunately, by the end of the night, this talk deteriorated into a back-and-forth of blaming eachother for this problem or that problem in our M. We reopened some old wounds, and by the end, the last communication we had that night was an exchange hurt stares.
I think it only serves to prove that this D is the right thing for us. It will be a positive impact in both of our lives.
