Coming here from Newbies. Kind of stopped over and saw that many of your sitch are much more similar to mine. My H moved out within days of dropping his bomb. Now I realize that he was working up to that decision in silence for a while (getting his ducks in a row).
But- compared to other sitch where S has stayed at home, I guess it has been a good thing that he left. Reduced tension- I am doing fine at this point with being alone (not feeling so desparate/lonely). I 'think' he misses being here because he does seem to come over/visit a lot.
We are in friendship stage/kinda mixed up with romance (see my second thread).
Anyway- I appreciate any help- look forward to meeting you all.
Don't have human kids (was ready for them with my H), but we do have dog kids together.
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
I read through yours but could not find a current one to post to?
Our sitch are similar it seems indeed. I cannot believe things went south so quickly- but my H also seemed to revert. Since I was the money earner, and he the student- it was easy for me to play controller and mother figure. He responded by acting like a student- hanging out with people/ and EA 10 years younger than me. I'm not that old but I'm not 24 anymore- I'm much better than then! And wiser!
I feel like he is acting his bachelor days- he never lived alone. Was with girlfriend, then sister, then another girlfriend- never really got to be a man. Well- he is getting his chance now- just I really don't feel running away embodies that but Hey- I guess that is where we are.
Like you I can't wait to see him and talk to him. Lots of other newcomer sitch involve R that are getting worse and worse. Here it seems like there are more people with steps in the right direction?
Not that there haven't been days where I just lose it, but I am hopeful too. I don't see my sitch going on for years or more without some sort of direction. In part because my H graduates next May, and is planning on doing an internship- applications for those are due by Jan- decisions by March. There is a 95% chance that it will be nowhere where we live now- sooo... I figure in the next months it will either be we are going together or he goes on his own. Maybe that is a good thing? Maybe not?
Anyway- where is your current thread?
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Anyway- last night I hit the breaking point. Hearing about JeninVen's husband really shook me- and I didn't even know her. It is just the finality and sudden changes that could happen to anyone-.
Talked to my main phone friend who has been with me from the beginning. Somehow it came up that that a colleague 2 states away heard about my H and I back in July from people at my H university (likely faculty). For some reason this just kills me! Our R was/is the gossip (any profession is a small community).
The various aspects- one- people see my husband as a cheater- the guy who left his wife for another student. Most of the people at his Univ. know me as I did several years post grad there. It kills me that the man who I love most looks like a [censored].
It also makes me feel like the stupid wife on the otherside.
I believe my H is oblivious to the impact this is/will have on his career. He still has to get letters of recommendation to go on to further jobs, internships- from people who will know what he has done.
H is super critical of people who are crappy to their sig others- does he not see that others may be of him?
This whole thing may impact his ability to get the best job or anything based on peoples opinion of him. That hurts me because i want to be with him in the future- and I want him to succeed! I want him to have the best internship- best job- I want people to see him the way I once did- as a Handsome, Smart, funny man with high standards and virtues.
I don't think that is what anyone is thinking of him these days!
For these reasons I just feel like a huge fool and feel like pulling the plug. I am sick of being at the bottom of his pile.
Ug. I just really feel like being done with him.
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Well, today was interesting. I'm moving past the shock of what I already knew deep inside- oh well- people talk and my H is the only one I need to care about (other than me).
Based on Jody's suggestion I stopped contacting H family 2 months ago. Since my birthday is this week- got a card from MIL, and SIL wrote on Facebook page to ask me to lunch.
Wrote a thank you letter back to MIL, told her I was hoping this would work out, Loved her son, working on myself. Hope we get to see eachother in future.
As far as sister in law, really debated this, but after talking to friend and mom, decided to since if thigs work out don't want to alientate my H family. Had last minute thought and told my H first that she asked me- turns out he already had told SIL that she was a sellout for wanting to see me- ug-. He told me that I could do what I wanted- didn't cared. I took that to mean I was darned if I did or didn't.
Decided to do lunch and had a nice time. OF course we talked about H! Can't avoid it, but I stayed positive, did not slam him, just let S know that I love him, am trying to give him space and support to make his decision, and hope for the opportunity to work things out. She can't understand- thinks he is shmuck? for doing this. But told her he is my H, I took vows, and despite this I love him still.
She wondered what to tell him- said she would say we just talked about work, pets, life, etc. I said don't lie- just tell him that I didn't trash talk him and that I said I care. May as well tell the truth. He wouldn't believe it if she said we didn't talk of him anyway.
He did call on my way home- I think to check up. I was positive, upbeat, told him what we did, that it was great to see her, she's doing well (just left her boyfriend of 5 years), moving on to hopefully a great guy (aren't they always in the beginning?).
He texted and called severel more times tonight, and just now to say goodnight (okay- I asked him to call before bed tonight), and had me preview his presentation for tomorrow. I was able to be cheerleader tonight.
I know talking with his family is very dangerous territory- could backfire. I know that they think his actions are not good- and they may tell him this. He is avoiding them for the most part. But maybe some good will come of it and our sitch.
He is not angry tonight- (no ILU's in 2 weeks either, but Oh well- I will take the one I got).
He may never turn around- but by gosh I am giving him every opportunity!
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Hi OW!! Can I ask why Jody thought it was a bad idea to keep in contact with H family?? Just wondering as I still have a good relationship with MIL & SIL too. I mean as long as you aren't asking them to help the sitch and try to avoid talk about H it should be fine?? right??
Other than that I am sorry that you are hearing "gossip" about your sitch. The first time I got a call, "Oh what is going on? I heard..yada yada" my heart sank!! I hated people knowing my business!! Oh well there is no point in concerning yourself with what other people think. People are going to say whatever they want but you just can't let it change you or your mission.
Glad to hear the H is reaching out alot. That sounds like a really postive sign!!
I think Jody thought (and probably rightly so) that my contact would be seen as persuing him thru family- trying to get them to change him. She said that he needed for his family to be his safe people to talk to if he needed.
Well, I did call his parents adn brother initially, he was mad , and then I let it go. I guess we all do things those first few weeks that we wish we could go back and do better. Or redo our entire relationships
I am concerned that he was upset that she contacted me- I guess he feels that I should be cut off from them? My SIL said that she and her mother still consider me family- we are still married. That much is true!
I guess it has been over 3 months now- time to test the waters a bit. If it turns out bad I will back off. Sometimes I am afraid to try something new. But it does seem that sometimes small steps forward come from our rare confrontations. ( I am trying so hard to nix R talk and anything bad- yup- it's a fake life sometimes).
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Hi optimistwife, Just read thru a bit of your thread. (Similiar to mine). Seems like you have been handling things well. I totally understand how tough it is to keep going w/such little contact. Hang in there. Sometimes you just have to try another path of dealing with M problems to see where it takes you. Don't worry about what others tell you - remember this is your life!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
