Hope4us struggle, part 9 or 10 or whatever

[Doing_My_Best]

Hey H4U,

Just thinking about you and how strong you are to be fighting for what you believe in and want. GOOD FOR YOU. I know you must be tired, but you are doing good things---and that will pay off for you and your family in the end!

DMB

[Hope4us]

Thanks DMB, Long time, no talk. How's things in your sitch? Email me with an update. I was thinking about you a couple days ago wondering what was going on.

Things at home are still pretty decent, but I do have one dilema I'd like everyone's opinions on.

The last couple days, W has been very up and down. She's PMS'ing so I kind of expected it. Mostly up with an occasional down time. The down times haven't been near as bad as they were even a couple months ago, but something happened yesterday and I'd like to know what you all think.

Yesterday while W and S16 were on the way to drop him off at school they were talking. W talks very softly and S16 couldn't hear her. He asked what she had said and W snapped at him repeating what she'd said in a really loud voice. S16 reached down and turned the radio off, I guess a little more strongly than W liked so she smacked him on the leg and started bi*chin at him. S16 told me he didn't say a word to her the rest of the trip and then last night he was pretty cold to her. W did apologize to him in the only way she knows how to apologize, that is, she never told him she was sorry, but tried to be nicey, nicey with him and dance around the subject without admitting she'd done anything wrong (which is pretty standard for her).

So then last night, S16 says to me he doesn't want to join the Ski/Snow board club at school like he was talking about and this morning W is bit*hin at me because he now doesn't want to join. I just told her she'd have to talk to him about it.

So here is the question. I want to call her on her behavior and let her know it's unacceptable. S16 told me for the first time in his life he felt like his mother hated him with the way she treated him yesterday. BUT.....when I asked S16 how he would feel about me discussing it with W he told me he didn't want me to.

What do I do? Do I let W get away with it without any mention or do I break the trust between S16 and I and talk to her about it anyway? I asked S16 at least 3 times if he wanted me to talk to her about it and he said NO.

So, what do I do?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think you make a mental note of it, and honor his wishes and let him handle it. I think he's old enough to, and you don't want to start making him uncomfortable sharing things with you.

I also think this:

That I don't like your wife very much sometimes.

Sorry.

Puppy

[kat727]

It is her mess, she needs to clean it up. Your son made it clear he didn't want you to discuss with W. You could always do this: Hand her a mop. When she asks what that is for, tell her she has a major mess to clean up. Then leave it at that. She has to be accountable even though your child is hurting.

I agree with puppy, I don't like her so much either.

kat

[lost_in_space]

H4U

I will join the choir on this one. Would have been different if you witnessed it personally I think - then you could have had a discussion. But S16 has asked that you not discuss it and if it were me, I would respect that request.

Take care.

[Hope4us]

Thanks Guys. That's pretty much what I was thinking. I really don't want to betray that trust between S16 and I so I won't say anything to her. It'll be interesting to see what he says this afternoon when he gets home from school. Last night S16 came downstairs and sat down on the couch and W was trying to be nicey nicey with him and he didn't say a word to her and looked at me and rolled his eyes....

She's digging her own grave with me and the kids BOTH. She's going to end up a lonely old woman with a string of loser men and no kids that want to spend any time with her....

But this is her mess (like you've all pointed out), let her fix it.

And I don't like her too much either. So why am I still trying?

[InLikeFlynn]

"S16 told me for the first time in his life he felt like his mother hated him with the way she treated him yesterday. BUT.....when I asked S16 how he would feel about me discussing it with W he told me he didn't want me to"

There are some things that you can/should let your kids work out and then there is this type of issue. You can't let your son believe this of his mother!!! Even though he asked you not to..I feel this has to be addressed.

I would go to the son and say...look I know you ask me not to talk to your mother about this but I can't let this linger between you two. Either you talk to her or let me do it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And I don't like her too much either. So why am I still trying?

Because even though you don't LIKE her too much, you still LOVE her, and you have a lot of shared history, and because of your kids. You took a vow, you take that seriously, and you want to be able to tell (and show) your kids that.

[whatdidido]

h4u,

Hi there. I've been super busy with work so have not been able to be on here as much.

Your wife is more than likely feeling like she has lost the respect of her son. She told you in her letter how bad she felt about you telling them. How she is reacting to her feelings on this is not the greatest choice and she could probably use someone to tell her that. I like inlikeflynn's way to handle that. I also think that it can't be you and the kids vs. her anymore. Yes, she has made her bed...but..... You know what I'm saying? Maybe there is a little bit of keeping them on your side until you are sure she won't leave you, just as much as she is not letting you have "all of her" until she is sure you won't give up on her. I don't know......just thinking out loud (in writing).....

Things are going well for you and her. That letter you sent her has seemingly made some changes in your wife. She is (hopefully) reading that book and you guys are (hopefully) going to be discussing it soon. Lots of stress and emotions in the household (not to mention PMS). You mentioned coming on here can sometimes get things going more than necessary, so keep that in mind. You are doing well.

[Hope4us]

Thanks WDID.

I know I said I wasn't going to post much for a while but a couple of interesting things happened.

First, W does have an email account that I didn't know about. There's a big surprise. I saw her using it last night to email something we were messing with at home to send to her work email. I know everyone is going to say I should bust her on it, but really, to me, what's the difference between that and her having email at work that I can't see. This email is with a service that also provides IM so yeah, she could be contacting OM without me knowing about it both at work and at home when I'm not around, but I could honestly care less. I'm done spying and worrying about this crap. If she doesn't come around soon I'm outie anyway so if she wants to keep lying to me and is contacting OM, then F her. She'll lose both her H and her kids real soon.....

Ok, enough of the worrying H4U. Now to the part that was interesting.

Last night S16 went with the school Superintendent to a school levy rally. He came to pick S16 up. When he got there we talked for a few minutes with him and he commented on how nice our house was and the great view we have from the top of the hill where it is. When they left, W and I stood out on the deck talking for a few minutes and then it was quiet. And she was just looking at me with this weird look. It was almost like she wanted to say something but couldn't bring herself to. And the look on her face was a GOOD look.

We went inside and watched some t.v. for a bit and then watched the debate. I fell asleep part way through the debate and woke up when it was over. I asked W how the rest of the debate went and she couldn't look at me and didn't really answer. And I asked her who won in her opinion and she didn't really answer or look at me and she put her hand up and wiped her eye. I could swear she was crying. So I just said, "ok, goodnight" and she told me goodnight back in a soft, kind of weepy voice.

Don't know. Maybe she's figuring this out. We'll see.

Nothing here changes anything and I'm still not getting my hopes up, but she was really annimated last night discussing our vacation and such. And the PMS'ing is over so I just found this stuff interesting.