Trying2live- the new post 1

[twinhope]

T2L, I am so proud of you! You are doing great! I am so anxious to see how this continues for you! You are strong and in control and doing what is best for you, your children, and your M.

I have another big issue! I need advice once again. I decided to check my H's email account today b/c it was a shared account that our friends sent pictures too. I found 2 emails from realtors. My H has been looking at buying a house. It indicated that he was looking to go into it with someone else. My first thought is the OW. Her D will be final in November and according to the realtor he said that they will get him into a house as soon as possible. He is running into a tiny problem, we own a house together and we are still married also he is having issues with the debt/income ratio. The realtor stated that he could get me to agree to refi to take him off the house it could work but they would need my cooperation. He is dreaming if he thinks that will happen. I really think my H has lost his fricking mind. Does he not think that if he is buying a house with the OW before we are D that that could be a sure sign of an A and I can nail him on adultry and take full custody of our girls. Maybe it is not with her and just a friend but still to do this before we are even D or filed or asked for that matter. I have not wanted to do this at all but I feel like I need to protect my children. If he would be living with her I do not think that that is the best environment for my little girls. Secondly anything that is purchased while we are still married is both of ours even if my name is not on it. He has obviously not contacted a lawyer or he would know this. I am really getting scared. I am trying to keep it together but I do not want to get screwed and I need to make sure I am protecting my girls. What do you guys think?

[Trying2live]

Okay, you probably need to go to all 3 credit reporting(i did this) you can do this online in a snap. Say you think you've been a victim of fraud and have them freeze your credit for the next 3 months and to not extend any credit to anyone in your name with out contacting you 1st and leave them your personal cell phone number. This is what I did. And also removed my name off all credit cards I could and If you cant them call them and tell them you dont want to be liable for any purchases as of this date because you are separated have them note the account if possible. If he gets credit in both your names you can be liable for it. So work quick. All that will take you just a few minutes.

You can get a Legal Separation Agreement and still try and fight for your marriage. You may just need to secure the legal stuff to protect you and the children. Can't be moved by your heart in this stuff. You are the only one who can protect you and the kids. What a friend told me is you cannot rely on your H anymore and need to get things done legally to be sure you are safe.
If your in a fault state boy I envy you. I'd probably be suing right now. Can you sue OW for damages in a fault state? Just wondering I'm in California and they don't care why you want a divorce or who caused it.
Yes he is fricking lost his mind in the alien fog. Don't expect any kind of normal thinking those days are gone. They are self absorbed and in selfish mode. It's all about them. It probably is unwise if he cannot take care of both households so that's the reason for the LSA.
Try to stay at peace if you can. Either way if you are not ready to file just yet the laws will protect you once you decide to file, but take care of the credit reports now. They are equifax, experion, and transunion.
Oh yeah since you are in a fault state start gathering all your proof. I have pictures of them and nasty ugly scary emails and phone messages and also a journal in a notebook that I have written in every day logging all conversations, visitations what happened during them, how the kids acted, if he drank, when he didn't call for a month got it all baby. This is not a game to me either way it goes. If you all don't have a journal and want to know what to do here it is.
To be admissible in court Get a brand new spiral bound journal with all the pages in it. By the way back date as far back as you can. I was lucky went by cell phone records and phone bill. I slacked a little in September but have April through sept.
Write the date and every FACT, do not state any opinions. Just fact example: October 4, 2008 Dad called talked to kids 5 minutes, no visitation, kids upset after phone call. No opinions.
Now do not leave any spaces between each entry. The court thinks if you leave a line or two that you may try to go back and add stuff. So you might want to write it out on paper 1st if you have to back date. Then when you are ready so ahead and write in the book. No erasing and must be in pen. Hope this helps. Ask away really I do all the time.

[Trying2live]

Hey guys got some stuff someone gave me. It's real interesting. read on....

Quote:
In the first two stages of love, the chemical phenylethylamine also appears in the brain. Phenylethylamine is the "love drug" in chocolate. It helps maintain the euphoric high of falling in love. If partners break up, phenylethylamine levels plummet, causing depression and woe.

After two to five years, phenylethylamine leaves the body naturally. It's replaced by other, more stable chemicals.

Quote:
DOPED UP
Helen Fisher, a research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University , is among many scientists who believe the flush of a new love is enhanced by natural stimulants in the brain, dopamine and norepinphrine. She explains that high levels of these natural chemicals can make people lose their appetites and their desire for sleep, just by thinking about their new infatuations. 'These are basic traits commonly associated with romantic love and with these natural stimulants,' she says. 'What else could explain the way you constantly think about a person, about the way you want to read them your bad poetry?'

Further studies show that gushy romantic sensations may be similar to the highs drug addicts feel when they're under the influence. Nora Volkow; the associate director for life sciences at Brookhaven National Laboratory in New York , has analysed the behaviours of drug addicts and people in love and found striking parallels. 'When a person is passionately in love, it is extremely exciting and provocative, and if the loved one is not there, distressing,' says Volkow. 'When I see my drug addicted patients, it just clicks with me how similar the addiction is. 'The fact that drug addiction and passionate love may trigger the same responses, signals to Volkow that drug addiction is especially dangerous since it taps into a natural sensation.

[JGrind]

Hi everyone. Long week. Twins birthday sleepover was last weekend, then dad came to pick them up on Wed for presents and dinner. I didnt want to be there when he arrived but I stayed long enough for them to open their gifts from him. They were so excited. H seemed unenthused, almost angry. I felt so heartbroken - their birthday. I had plans to go out with friends that night and was dressed nice, hair and makeup. I kissed the kids goodbye and told them to have a fun birthday with daddy ,then left (an hour earlier than I needed to). It was nice to be out with friends rather than sit home alone , knowing that I should be with my family celebrating twins' bday also - but I wasnt invited.
Kids stayed with dad this weekend. Friday night D11 calls to say good night. Says her and S11 will sleep in Sat morniing while OW stays with them bc H is taking S14 to early morning baseball game. I hate this. So the next morning instead of going home to bed after all night at work, I stopped at ballfield for S14 game. Casually looked this way and that then walked up to H (I know he wasnt expecting me there). I asked "where are the twins?". H replied "they're sleeping in - it was their choice ". I asked "by themselves?" (I was interested in his reply).H paused then says "Stacey came over late with her boys last night". I say "you know, this is your weekend to spend with the kids , YOU'RE responsible for them. You couldve gotten them all out of bed and brought them here, but you choose to leave them in the care of someone else?!" H said nothing as I walked off shaking my head. He later sat where I was and offered something to eat and drink. Although Im trying to be appreciative to any kind gestures, I told him "no thanks, already had something on the way here". I was in tears behind my sunglasses As soon as game was over I left. I resent OW trying to push her way in not only at my H but at my kids. S11 seems especially swayed bc OW likes to do "girlie" stuff with her. NOT someone I want my D to look up to.

I have decided my 180 will be to be respectfully assertive and say what I think. Hope, I think you're right , H may actually want to see that, especially since he cant seem to do it for himself right now. Spoke with S11 tonight. Talked excitedly about church with a friend this evening and things they did with daddy on Saturday and Sunday.(which DID NOT include OW and her kids). I was genuinely happy for them to have a good weekend with their daddy even if it didnt include me. I am starting to wonder who is initiating what. Does OW invite herself in the picture more than my H would like? Other mom on ballteam says she watches them closely. When Im there shes convinced he will come crawling back bc of the way he looks at me and the kids. She also observed recent interaction between them - OW approaching H to talk and H gave her dirty look and walked off. Im reading too much into this -probably false hope. And yet, I am seriously realizing that if H did ever come back, our marriage will never work without God in the center of it. And he has made it very clear that God/church are not a priority to him.Im struggling internally.

me - 36
H - 38
S14
S11 and D11
T 21yr
M 16yr Oct 17
IDLYA June 18
H moved out June 19
H has consulted atty about 1mo ago
Still waiting to be "served"

[marisol35]

Hi everyone!

I'm so proud of you T2L!! Sounds like everything is going as you planned.

Hope - Hang in there....every day it gets a little bit easier.

I'm in that downward spiral today....I didn't do or go anywhere this weekend...I had lunch with my girlfriend on Friday and ended up crying...Saturday and Sunday I spent it with my daughter. We just watched movies and relaxed around the house.

I believe my H is back from Colorado. I saw that he called his mom last night so I'm assuming he's back. I also saw that for some weird reason he texted OW at like 1145pm on Saturday night then called her at 1245? I'm thinking if he was with her this weekend in Colorado then why would he be texting and calling her? She must have left him alone and went out or something. It threw me for a loop. I know I should not be looking at this type of thing because of the impact it has. I just can't help myself sometimes.

I will be calling the paralegal today to file reconciliation paperwork. I just want to buy some time for him to think about this. Time is on our side right? Despite all the pain, the feelings, the emotions, everything is it crazy for me to want him back? To want him with me in our house, in my bed, in my life? I was planning to write a letter too and present it at the mediation meeting. What do you think?

[marisol35]

Well I know H is back since I emailed this morning about some pics I had to give him and during our email conversation he says "Did you and your lawyer get a chance to look at the paperwork? Please let me know what's going on with that." What's the rush with this!! Sometimes I wonder if filing for reconciliation will just make him angry and want to go full force D. I don't know if it will work in my favor. He also said in a text today that he just wants to get it done so it will be one less thing on his mind.

I just don't know if its even worth it. I'm so confused. My feelings are all over the place today and I can't get a hold of myself.

[hope3343]

Hello all, still have the flu {{{{JGRIND}}} glad to see you are back.

JGrind, I know it is tough with OW interacting with kids but you are handling it with dignity. You said what you had to say and stepped back. I give you credit because I told my H do not EVER bring OW around our kids. Of course my girls would probably beat her up (joke)..so I do not have to deal with that. As a part of DB make sure you bring up how excited your S was and about the church activity and how happy he was to spend time with his Dad. Always bring up the positive things H does alone with the kids to reinforce time without OW. You might be right that OW is struggling in the relationship. Good you have a friend that is observing for you. As I know realize -- God needs to be in the center of this. I tried to fix everything myself and failed. If anything this has turned me to God and his care during this time.

twinhope, Your H is in the fog about houses. When my H was first talking about moving out he talked about buying a condo?? with what. They are in lalala land. Follow T2L advice about credit cards. I know my H right now is spending money like water, his credit card bill is HUGE and I think he is trying to impress -- all smoke and mirrors. I think your H is taking on that role also to impress OW he could buy another house. You absolutely do not refi house. More crazy MLC fog

Marisol -- remember YOU decide what you want to do. Just because H wants D does not mean you have to agree. Let's face it they don't know what they want. We have to be the voice of reason. You want the reconcillation papers -- you go for it. You do not have to ask permission. The longer you can delay D the longer time H has to come out of fog.

T2L {{{{where are you feeding cake to H}}}}} You are on a roll. Need updates! How has H been? And what do you think OW is doing while H is spending all this time at home? I know I speak for everyone here you have been a great motivator no matter what happens. How are the kids taking all of this. Maybe when you go black you might need to explain in a lesser detail to your S so he will not get upset.

As for me, have the flu -- still. Went to work -- left 1/2 day. Saw H once -- when I looked like cr@p. I get home sitting with D at dinner - H calls D tells him she needs some line paper and then she has headache goes and lies down. H comes over, sees D is sleeping goes out back to see dog, we hang out in the backyard for 1/2 hour, then H comes in and says "what's on tv" and sits down?? I think I looked a little surprised and then he says I should go, hugs me once, twice, and then a third time after saying goodbye to D, After the third time I said I think you must miss me - and he says I feel sorry because you are sick and I said dont feel sorry for me. As H is leaving he says I will come over after work tomorrow to work on lawn???? weird?
I did find out that he went to Mexico with OW (saw he took money out at ATM there), maybe OW went there for more Botox since it is her daughter's wedding on Saturday (meow - catty me). She was also not at work today so I don't know if she is getting ready for the wedding, but H was sorta lost again today. I think depression is setting in. Then the best part is H says guess who called me today??? H says "friend from China", I almost choked. I asked what he said and he said we talked football and he wants me to go check his house and call him in the next day or so. I did not ask if H told him anything but I do not think he mentioned anything. So I think friend was testing and checking to see what he says. This should be an interesting exposure when it hits the fan! Well time to take more drugs to get this flu out of my system. Stay strong we can do this. I appreciate all of the support we give to each other.

[hope3343]

T2L where are you?

[Trying2live]

Ok sorry been so busy. I'm going to sons football practice but going to jump on tonight after I put him to bed and catch up on all the forums and update. Hope your feeling better. Flu gone?

[hope3343]

just signing in before I attempt to go to work tomorrow. Still feeling bad but a little better.
A couple updates...
H came over (3rd day in a row), came over with sushi for me, and worked in the yard. I asked about helping me find tires for car which he said he would take the car in. Visited with D while she did homework for about 5 minutes and then sat with me for 1/2 hour watching tv show. H left finally. D and I are going to watch his flag football game tomorrow. I am trying to DB, I did say when H was leaving "I miss you" but will change that response next time.
This is sad, I think H is trying to be my friend. I don't need a friend I need a husband.
Hope everyone is doing well. keep posting.