i have posted b4 in newcomers after bomb in feb. w and i never separated and w recommitted in late may. ea was exposed. right the recommitment, for about 1 month, there was a lot of affection showed by both. it has slowed down some but is still there. the sex is great. really no big complaints. i am happy to be where i am now. but this feeling of always waiting for the other shoe to drop haunts me almost every day. i also harbor some resentment about some of things she said to me. but on the other hand, she tells me she loves me, that she is"in love with me". why cant i just be happy with that. i mentioned to her the other night in bed that it seems she never reciprocates when i touch her or snuggle etc. she got kinda pissed and said, "you want everything right now. why couldnt you have said, gee honey i wish we could snuggle more" i guess i was wanting thing to be how i hoped they will be. also, she becomes really affectionate when she senses 5hat i'm down about something. then she will seek me out and get in my face and give me a kiss. it seems that the more i pursue, themore she withdraws. the less i pursue, the more she comes to me. i guess i have to find that happy medium. i dont know. i just feel like i always have to be "on" or she is going to lose interest. that just wears me out somedays. but i am so grateful to still have her with me . i'm sure like most here that affection has become really important. just a touch of the shoulder as she walks by or whatever. that stuff goes a long way. at least with me. i really dont know why i'm complaining. things are good. but sometimes i feel like i want to make them better, and she doesnt. she is is, but just in her own way. blah, blah, blah, sorry. i'll shut upnow. would just like a little advice on how you proceeed. and how do you know when you have made your marriage a strong and loving one?
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
This is so normal DByD--- Once the initial *honeymoon* phase of the recommitment kind of cools off, we are all (former LBS and WS) left with some form of residual hurt, fear, doubt, and anger. You are not complaining, you are realistically questioning something that many fail to do and end up back in crisis mode.
She does still feel pressure. She's waiting to have to "pay" for hurting you. You have to make your marriage strong and loving every day; a loving relationship isn't something you have, but something you do.
2 suggestions for now.
Have you checked out the KLA section and tapes on this site?
Check out Sara's thread on Retrouvaille. She's got one in this forum, it's on page 2 at the moment but I'll bump it for you after I submit this post in case you are still around.
Congrats on making it this far, daybyday, and for continuing to seek a loving marriage.
I can't be sure. I probably shouldn't speculate. It just seems common that they don't really believe we forgive them and when we get insecure they think we'll never "get over it" or they'll never be able to "do enough to make us happy".
Now, being the great DB-ers we are, we know that no one can make us happy but ourselves. Without work though, that gets lost and we fall into the same dynamics that led to problems in the first place. Make sense?
still working at getting a life. how do you do with gal? perhaps i'm a tad clingy still. but when i try to pull back, she pursues me so i'm drawn right back in to the trap. the insecurity just gets you. but everyday that passes gets a little easier. sometimes i feel like if i acted like i didnt givena fuc* she wouldnt seem to take me for granted. she has even said that i am a nice guy since her bomb. i am a different person according to her. i still have issue with the computer though. that how i discovered ea. she has curbed the use quite a bit, but there are times when i come home from work and there she is. she also is on myspace some. not as much, but still on. how do you handle husband on comp or was that evef a problem. i want to believe her when she says it just surfing. she has said she is sorry for hurting me, and that she thinks she never be able to live this down. i know how i would like her to act towards me, but she doesnt really want to hear. maybe asking for too much too early as smartcookie advised me. but why wouldnt she want to do all that she knows to make m better. blah, blah, bye
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
I agree with Deauxlie, your feelings are normal. Trust is very hard to build again. A retro weekend would be the most helpful thing you could do to get past this time of being half together, half not sure. Check the website for a weekend near you, http://www.helpourmarriage.org. Communication is essential, but you need to learn to communicate in a non-threatening way. And that doesn't come naturally to most people.
little things do mean a lot. lots of little touches and pats. signs of affection that mean a lot to me. reaching leg over to my side of bed just to touch me. she does these thing every so often. last night was one. i have told her b4 that its nice when she does those things. why cant was see how far simple gesture like that goes. thats a great mystery to me. just another aside, me an w had quit smoking 5 years ago. well, we started back up during our crisis in feb. well, we both are ready to quit again. bring on the stress. i guess life really is one day at a time. i have always had a flawed way of looking at life. that you have to make everything right with your life and health....and then you move forward. but if you wait for that, it will never happen. its the living in between the making of everything right that i need to work on. a little too philosophical i know.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
just curious about other piecers, do you actively bring up relationship talk or do you just try to let your actions do their thing. i would like to talk about r but am afraid to bring up.. everything is going pretty good, no fights, shows of affection, mostly good stuff, but sometimes it feels that w enjoys the power she gained through this whole thing. i guess the only reason i say that is when i mention something such as my need for affection, she knows its my ll but yet she chooses not to show me for awhile. almost like she is saying,"i'll do it when I get good and ready". i just thought since she is back to rebuilding m and she says she is with me til we die, that she would want to do whatever it takesnto try and make me happy. i have worked very hard at maintaining US and really resent when she chooses not to try to fulfill my needs. (not talking about sex. that is good) i try my ha4dest every day to fulfill hers. w recommited may 16th, so maybe i'm expecting too much too soon . deauxlie had mentioned in bbj thread that things are great with her m. what are some of the steps that helped you get there, and how does h show that he is really working at m. i would love to hear from all who would care to post. i love you all as you keep me on the right track. thanks
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
just curious about other piecers, do you actively bring up relationship talk or do you just try to let your actions do their thing.
DbD, I don't bring up the R talk as much as I should, probably. But piecing is a slow process and I'm afraid of going too fast. And sometimes it's just a scary topic to bring up, you know? But the actions equal it out. They say actions speak louder than words!
Originally Posted By: daybyday
what are some of the steps that helped you get there, and how does h show that he is really working at m.
Some steps that have helped me ... My H being transparent and realizing that if I have moments of doubt or question his actions, it's because of what he did. He's getting good at doing little favors for me, something he hasn't done in a long time.
Such as ... I wear a medical ID bracelet and when it broke over the summer. H actually took it to a jeweler for me -- I didn't ask him too. I was stunned! He never does things like that.
He gave me a quick shoulder massage one night last week when I was going off the deep end over something that went wrong. Later on I thanked him, and apologized for having a cow.
