Certainly marriages have been brought back from the brink and probably worse situations than mine have been resurrected. That said, my marriage seems ready to breathe it's last.
My wife stayed at the house last night with the kids and I was supposed to go out with my best man. He felt sick, so I went and hung out with him and his family for a couple of hours and then off to the meet new friends at the local bar and grill.
My W just finished in the shower. She is taking S8 to Bass Pro Shop for his birthday and some time together. While she was in the shower, I ran through her cell phone again quickly. If I can interpret what I read, there was recently drama with OM1 and W and now it looks like W is going to ditch OM2 and fully cherish OM1. Now, there is no doubt at all in my mind of her infidelity. None.
This was a little bit of a bittersweet morning. The kids made pancakes and we sat at the table and ate breakfast like a family. Things were cordial and friendly and fun and a complete sham. I am so sad about what the kids will face. Things are going to be fine for me and in some ways better than I've ever known, but, the kids will suffer from this. I don't know that they will suffer more than learning such a poor model of a marriage relationship or being in limbo and not really seeing their mother much, but, that is a familiar dysfunction. The divorce will bring new pain and fear and upset.
It was a little weird reading a text from OM1 telling W to enjoy the pancakes and that he wished she was with him. But, weird is the word, not painful.
This doesn't really change anything. I will still meet with a lawyer next week and plan to confront my wife about things on the 9th. I guess it changes things in this manner. I have no doubts now about her infidelity so I'm not worried about needing to bluff during our conversation. The only real question will be can she admit to what she has been doing. Additionally, while my original plan was to talk to the lawyer and not file for divorce, that I plan to seek full custody of the kids and no maintenance for my wife leads me to believe that it will be in the kids and my best interest to file first and probably after meeting with W. I'm going to play that one by ear and decide based on the conversation with the lawyer.
The signature has gotten too long so here are the links to the other threads. hist bad dad grind insanity
You're doing good, so much better than the last time I checked in on you--you're the man with the plan now. I'm rooting for you.
I hear you that you're worried about your kids...not going to tell you that they won't experience any pain if you do divorce, that would be a lie, but your happiness and your ability to co-parent with your wife will minimize their pain a whole hell of a lot.
Also, don't get ahead of yourself until you hear what your W has to say when you confront her. A lot can change in a short amount of time...
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Thanks IAL. It's still tough. I was sitting at the doughnut store with my girls and then I noticed that the music playing is Sheryl Crow singing The First Cut is the Deepest. I had to step outside for a minute.
JOURNALING: By her texts, my W is fully in the throws of love with OM1 and he with her. Morons.
Yeah, sitting around the table this morning seeing the kids happy makes me want to hope and then when I remember, well, the nicest thing that I can say is that I want to eject. I'm not ironman.
Some days more than others, I have a real tough time dealing with the thought of divorce where a lot of my pain will lessen while the kids' will increase. Then, I think that if only I were stronger or could endure more, then I could spare them. But, in truth, I don't think that this is born out of an honest desire to spare my kids the pain and tumult of a divorce. It could just be a guilt thing. It would probably be easier if the divorce was going to make me miserable too, but, it's not going to make me more miserable and will probably in some ways make my life much better than it's been.
While reading your last post and some others, I find that carry too much guilt about the sitches we find ourselves in. Sure we are not perfect but last time I checked, you were not the one acting irresponably. I admire the fact that you are willing to hang in there....I wonder though at times with some of the things that i read why we even bother. I put up with alot of crap in the last 1.5 years. I am still in a funk today but when you look at some of our spouses' recent actions, we should thank God that it happened now and not later. Unfortunatelly, something(s) keep us attached...I am beginning to think that it is the happy times we have had in the past. Something my mom mentionned to me today. "I know you guys had some good times together but do not forget what she has put you through recently". my mom said this without even knowing about the extracuricular activities..... Hang tough if you think that is what is best for YOU and the kids....I am pulling for you.
Dan, I am pulling for you to get through this with minimal long term damage to the kids. Even after what my W has done to me, I still believe that it is in the best interest of the kids to have equal time between their mother and father. It truely sucks to be faced with the possibility that your kids may have a step-father in their future. I talked with my kids new step-dad (or is that step grand dad) to get a feel for what he is like and he seems ok (except for being a bastard wife stealer).
Thanks John, I'm learning to realize that I tried as hard as I could to be a better husband and a better father and to keep my marriage together, but, I couldn't keep it together because she doesn't want to be married to me any more. That's a lesson that the kids need to know earlier rather than later too.
Thanks Kerry. I'm in no way wanting to keep my W from spending time with the kids, I just don't want her having any legal standing to influence or interfere with their lives. The step-parent thing is something that I hadn't really given much thought to. I'll have to think on that one more.
Yes, they are all scum-sucking bastards with no integrity and no honor and so are the OM/OW. Someone asked me last night if I was done with my W or if I could envision a future with my W. I thought about it and I realized that the answer is no. I'd have to see so much change and personal growth before I would risk my heart with her again and by that time, who would I be? No. I'm done with this one and I'm sad and sometimes it still hurts.
Of course, I balance the hurts against things like the young lady I met Saturday morning who as I dropped her off at her apartment kept asking me "Are you going to call me and take me on a date?" I guess at least a few people find me valuable
I lost you for a while! I'm sorry things aren't turning out like you had hoped. But, you sound strong. I agree that the kids need to know that you did commit and that you even tried to stay with it when things got really tough. But, they need to know that later...not now. What they need to know right now is that you love them and will do all you can to lessen the pain they feel right now.
Hang in there!!!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Hi Amy. I've been relatively more scarce around here lately. I'm really hating things right now. Some money I thought I had available is not available so I'm in a bit of a holding pattern until I can get my hands on the money I need to engage the lawyer and file for the divorce.
Oh well, I AM in a rush and yet, I'm not in a rush. Having decided on a course and the latest round of text messages convinces me I'm doing the right thing, it's a lot easier to be detached. I'm really 99% apathetic to what she is doing and with whom as long as it doesn't touch my kids' lives. If she tries that, well, I might have to go all shock and awe on her
I'm sorry about the money sitch...that's unfortunate. It will work itself out, and I know the detaching helps for sure!! You are doing great! No need to rush...especially since you have pretty much detached. You have to think if this as a business decision now. No need to rush. Make sure you get the best deal you can possibly get. And, take notes for those of us who aren't there yet!!!
I'm okay. A big weekend this weekend...H and I are seeing the movie Fireproof (if you haven't heard about it...it's about a firefighter who fights to save his failing marriage) on Friday night. I asked, he agreed to go. No expectations on that, but I guess his going is positive. Saturday I'm going with H and the kids to S6's first cub scout camping trip. We'll all be sleeping in a tent together...so, a lot of together time. It will be an interesting weekend. I should have great stories by the time it's over!
I've been doing a little better this week, but I'm worried the weekend will set me back about 20 days! Maybe, though, it will do the same for H.
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
<schoolmarm voice> AMY!! You know that you can't get all doe eyed over that man. Be polite and pleasant, but, firm if he tries to put his hands up your shirt
Be strong. Be complete. Be gracious.
If you can do that, you will do well and it will not set you back 20 days.
