Hello, I was reading someone else's post and in one of the replies someone wrote to the original poster something about since she had the affair she needs to accept the consequences. I'm in a similar situation in that I had the affair and I've been trying to stay upbeat and positive and am in IC.
My consequence last night? My H, whom I understand is completely devastated and in the darkest place imaginable, came to bed at 1 a.m. He lay there for a few minutes before calling my name.
I replied, "Yes" so he would know I was awake. He said, "I think I want some sex." Completely cold. I said, "Okay," because how can I reject him when I never rejected the OM?
He said, "You aren't going to like what I have in mind." Or something to that effect.
He said he wanted to roleplay. It was to be a re-creation of the last night I was with OM.
And I did it. The whole time I kept thinking, "This is what he needs to feel better."
But this morning I couldn't even look him in the eye.
Lifeline, I don't even know what to say. That must have been very strange and a hard thing to do. I for one would not have been able to do that.
There are some very knowledgable people on these boards that can give very good advice. Glad you are here and hugs.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
While I agree that unfaithful spouses must face the consequences of their actions, uhh....that one's a bit difficult to swallow.
You kept thinking it was what he needed to feel better, and this morning you couldn't look him in the eye....I think it's obvious you aren't feeling so good about what happened. Not feeling too good about H, and perhaps even yourself? I think if you're trying to repair the damage caused to your M, then yes, your H needs and deserves as much reassurance as possible. However, not if it's going to cost you your self-esteem. I think you ought to be willing to do a lot for him to help him heal, but not something that hurts you as this has.
Hang in there and take care.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Lifeline--I don't know if that will help him heal. Sounds more like he is punishing you both. I sat here and read it and said thank you to God, and will eventually say thank you to H, that he never asked me to do that, and I never asked him. Sex is one thing, but that was just degrading IMO.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
do you think he wanted to know details of exactly what happened and this was his way to getting those questions answered? I know that some spouses just want to know the details of what was said, what was done, etc etc. If he wants to do this again, I think you really need to talk to him about being open and honest about the affair outside of the bedroom, but that you would like to make new memories in your ML with your husband that are seperate from the OM. And maybe have some roleplaying in mind that is more appropriate for both of you.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Lifeline--I don't know if that will help him heal. Sounds more like he is punishing you both. I sat here and read it and said thank you to God, and will eventually say thank you to H, that he never asked me to do that, and I never asked him. Sex is one thing, but that was just degrading IMO.
I share this opinion.
He wanted sex, and he wanted you to do something he even said he knew you weren't going to like. What's that tell you? Says to me he wanted you to do something you wouldn't feel good about. It was some form of punishment, for you, and perhaps even for him.
Are you two seeking MC?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Lifeline...I think it was my message to Max080 that you are referring to, the "accept the consequences" one.
I had posted my original story on your other thread in newcomers. Did you read through it? I am asking because I think you may find similarities in our stories.
I will wait until you answer before I address your sex issue you had last night. I do have some thoughts on that.
Yes DQ, I've read through and there are some similarities. And I should clarify that this isn't his way of getting details. I confessed to about 95 percent with details nine months ago and the other five percent in July. This was not for details. It was for punishment and I can see that now. But what if I can just take the punishment and it will be over soon and everything will work out? We are not in MC. We were but it wasn't helping H and he refuses to go. I'm in IC and my H is considering IC. Thank you for everything you all have said.
OK Lifeline...if you can be very blunt, honest and direct here (as much as is possible)...can you briefly describe why you had an affair? What did the OM offer you? Why did you turn down sex with your H before the affair? Why did you want sex with the OM?
I know these are painful and confusing questions...but I would like to hear the condensed version so I can offer more ideas and advice.
