HTTE, The tough road...Facing the big D

[HopefultotheEnd]

So much has happened in just a week I am still in a fog from it.

Last week, the same day that I wrote the above post I came home and W was asleep in my bed. This was a surprise for many reasons, mostly because she had not stayed the night for about a month and there was a perfectly serviceable guest bed available. I was happy about it because I like it when she's there but I told myself not to read anything into it. I just went to bed. She got up in the morning and wished me a good time at my moms on thanksgiving and I told her she was still invited and for her to have a good day. No problem. I went on to have a great Thanksgiving with the girls my turkey was a hit and the girls had a blast.

Friday I was going to meet W to transfer kids at 5:30. I call her to confirm and leave a message that it's possible that myself and the girls might like to eat leftovers at my parents so if she likes we could meet there instead. I get a Voice mail from her that says that she got off work early and went to OM's moms house over an hour away for dinner and that she wouldn't be back in time or didn't want to rush to be back in time. She wanted me to call her. Needless to say I was angered by her lack of communication. The appropriate time to call me about it would be before she leaves making plans that would change our meeting for the children. They knew that they were supposed to be meeting mommy a 5:30. Anyway I decided to forget it and not call her and go eat leftovers with my family we all had a good time. W calls at 7 saying that she is at the house so we wrap it up and I take the kids home. She is a little miffed that I didn't call her but I tell her how I felt and she accepts it without comment.

I didn't make plans to go away this weekend and wasn't sure if she was going to either of her parents houses so it turns out we watched movies together. It was fine, not awkward just pleasant. She got tired and went to bed first to the guest bed. I was ready for this and slept my bed. No worries.

I woke up feeling pretty well considering everything until W comes in to my room and starts with little nitpick things about the house. I ignored the first few comments and then told her it wasn't any of her concern and went on to do the chores I wanted. She seemed to turn around when I fixed the coffeepot for her and things were nice again until she told me she wanted to take the kids to OM's parents house to see their sheep.

I was not ok with this and told her that it was not appropriate for the kids to ever be around her men. This started off hours of discussion where she then became so angry at me for reading and saving her email that she threw one of the patio chairs and threatened to damage my computer. I thought she might actually strike me. Worst is that the kids saw this! I called the conversation over at this time and went inside told the girls everything was ok and went upstairs to get ready to get out of dodge. W came up and conversation continued on a more subdued pace. She wants me to delete the records I have of her emails. We talk for a bit which ends in a lot of validating on my part. I tell her that was deeply hurt but accept my role in the marriage and the places where I dropped the ball. She thanks me for telling her we R talk for a short time and I start to finish getting ready to go when she asks me if I want to go see a movie with her and the girls that afternoon.

...I stop and stare at her not sure I heard correctly..."with you and the girls, all together?" I ask stupidly. "Yeah", she says. I still have doubts but agree to go besides, I know the girls like it when we do things together.

We go and all have a great time, we laugh and play around...it was almost like I was on a date with my W and kids. Really fun. We continue to have a good time right up to bed time where I come up from tending the fireplace to find her in my bed.

I don't know what to think at this point since One day she's in my bed and then last night she felt the need to sleep in the guest room. Then we fight all day calm down and now she wants to be in my bed and snuggle again. I still can't help but smile as I'm lying there because I'm happy we're there and am ok with it whatever "it" is.

Well I had considered getting up early to go to the gym and boy do I wish I had. We lounge around until 10 in the morning with her in my arms until she asks me where I go on my "out of town" weekends...

I ask her why she would ask and the conversation rapidly disintegrates with her again being furious at me for having saved copies of some of her emails. She tells me I make her sick and that I'm pathetic and that what I did was illegal and that I can run away, but that it's not over.

Then later that evening I get a text from her that she doesn't want to fight anymore and that she wants me to call her and let her know when I'm coming home. I take this as an olive branch so I call and she is pleasant. I come home and she walks up to me hugs me (I'm unsure if I want to hug her back but I do) and she says, "We'll get through this somehow. We won't hate each other."

I can't close my mouth fast enough as I say, "You don't hate me?"
She says, "No, I'm not happy with you for some things but I don't hate you." So I reply, I'm not happy with you for some things as well." She says, oh well. And we each leave it at that. I tell her to drive safe and to be careful in the fog and she goes home.

What a weekend!

I told my friend the story and though he does not know anything about DB he suggests that I put a stop to the bed sharing. He admins that it might be hard and that he probably wouldn't be able to do it in my place. We all know that's sound advice (But I knew that months ago)

What is wierdest of all is that I feel more "done" than I've ever felt. I don't want someone who is angry at me in my life anymore. It's just not worth it. That plus dealing with the turmoil, it's too much. I don't want to deal with the "hot/cold" phases anymore. I can't imagine getting back together with her and living like that.

There's more about our finances but I'm done for today, thanks for listening.

[carpenter54]

HTTE

This is the first time I have posted to you....your story is wierder then mine! My W and I do not share anything physical, no bed, no hugs, nothing. As I read this though I am not envious. I know it will seem harsh....why haven't you got off the rollercoaster? I still maintain a "friendly" R with my W but that's it. Picture living with your sister...that's a pretty good description. My W is still involved with OM so no physical stuff is ok with me. That would drive me nuts!! If you get a chance read up on my sitch and let me know what you think.

[AlexEN]

Carpenter, as someone posted to me, not sure whom, there must be something bad in the water around here. Both dday and I are in the western Chicago 'burbs.

[carpenter54]

LOL. You are probably rite

[Phoenixdeux]

HTTE,

Are you sure that your wife isn't possessed? Maybe you should call an exorcist or something.

I think somewhere along the line you have to figure out what it is you intend to be doing. This being her snuggly friend one minute and punching bag the next is ridiculous. And you take it on the chin like a trooper. You don't have to have her rant and rave at you one minute and then gloss it over the next. Would you do this if she was only a friend? Or only a short-term girlfriend? You can stand up for yourself. You can say, "I'm not going to have this anymore. If I'm so pathetic then just stay away. Stay out of the house. Stay out of my bed. I don't need this." She'll have more respect for you if you show that you don't intend to take it. You deserve better than her scraps of affection. You can tell her that her behavior is confusing and perhaps it's best if she simply back off. Besides, she has OM, what the heck is she doing snuggling in your bed? It's like a game of "who likes me more" to her. I'd refuse to play.

[HopefultotheEnd]

Thank you both...I have a lot to think about.
I think I have always had a real issue withh closing doors. Not just with relationships. It is hardest of all following a path I do not want to go down. I've known for months what would be best, somehow I convince myself to not be in a hurry.

Carp I will check out your sitch.

[Phoenixdeux]

And has the current strategy resulted in positives? Is she moving closer? When is it that she starts chasing a bit? Seems to me it's after you actually start moving away from her. How about for a week or two trying a different tunnel...one in which you accept you will be divorced and you want to act like a divorced couple. I think that doesn't involve her sleeping over.

[HopefultotheEnd]

I agree...she does seem to follow that pattern. I'm enjoying having almost no contact with her. She has not been staying over.

Nothing drama wise to report. The girls and I had a great weekend. We made some fun plans, did some chores, and had a great time. I havn't spoken with the W much at all. perhaps a text or two. Even when I come home and she's at the house I say Hi pleasantly and go about my business and she leaves to go home.

I've been feeling more and more at piece with myself. I feel that I can be proud of myself for doing my best in a difficult situation. It feels good. I think I'm getting some good support from my Separation group sessions. There's one more left. It's a great place to gain some perspective. I rearanged the furniture in the house how I want it...it's great. I get to have 100% say. I must say I like it. I've moved the TV into the Family room where the fireplace is so me and the girls can watch movies and stay toasty by the fire. I'm a little curious what W thinks but I also don't care. It's My house.

I can honestly say that I don't think I want her anymore. I'm not interested in showing her any more affection nor do I want to recieve it from her.

Financial stress is paramount in my mind these days but so far so good. I'm juggling pretty well. We'll see if I can bail fast enough.

Fun weekend ahead. I can't wait to get some snow in the mountains.

[HopefultotheEnd]

Follow up...

After a week without more than a few passing words I get a text today from the W asking if me, her and the kids can do a little dinner at home on Christmas eve and open presents togehter in the morning before I leave to go to my moms.

I texted back, "Ok".

I want this to be good for the girls and I suggested something like this a month ago so I'm down.

[HopefultotheEnd]

Not sure what to write today. Things have been going well mostly. I've been avoiding pretty much any contact with the W that makes me feel bad. A few texts to coordinate kid stuff and not much past "hi" on the days she watches the kids at the house. There's been no more staying over and I find it much easier to minimize contact in this way. I still love her but the sadness and hurt that I feel can grant me strength as well as pain. I no longer want to be with her even though I still believe that anything is possible.

We uncovered a bunch of scheduling misunderstandings but it looks as if we worked everything out in a few peacefull emails. Some of it was pretty funny.

She asked if we were going to exchange gifts (assuming not) and I said I don't know. Let's each do what we want. I think I want to give her something...even if it is just a framed picture of the kids from this summer.

My group ends tomorrow but sadly I'm going to miss the last session. It's my Brothers birthday so I'm having dinner with him.
I think it helped me alot but in very subtle ways. I'm going to miss them.

My feelings toward W have been pretty solid until last night. I really didn't care, Was feeling good, looking good and having fun. But I struck something...perhaps it was stress, caffene, the season or just time...I really felt alot of regret again, and I missed her. One thing I do know was it wasn't seeing her in person last night that did it like so many other times...it was something else. Fortunatly today I seem to be over those feelings. Part of me wants to lover her forever and part wishes that I've never met her.

I don't think we'll be reconciling and am not sure what I want anymore. But if she came to me and said lets try again I think I would jump right in.