Hi - belwo is my earlier post on the newcomer forum but i've not really had many replies.
I could really do with some help and advice - despite having been separated for over 2 months we are still talking and friendly but I desparately want my wife back and am unsure as to how best approach things?
I'm new to all this and having read Michele's book i would be grateful for some help and advice to help me save my marriage.
Our story is as follows:
I am 30 yrs old and my wife is 24. We were married in the summer of last year and unfortunately have been separated for just over 2 months, my wife having moved back in with her parents.
We certainly had difficulties in our first year of marriage, caused by a variety of different things like getting used to living with each other, not having enough money etc but nothing i would view as being out of the ordinary in the first year of any marriage.
The main problem we did have and which ultimately led to the separation was that we would often ( about once ever 4-6 weeks) have period when we were not speaking to each other for a week at a time. Admittedly, although my wife was maybe doing things which caused me to stop speaking, i have to shoulder the blame for the periods of silence. Hwoever, through counselling and intensive reading I have realised how my shutting out of my wife affected her and how it would ultimately affect any other relationships I had in the future. I therefore resolved to work on these issues v hard and be a better husband.
Having gone to one counsellor my wife felt that she didnt get anything out of it and it was not what she expected. After 2 sessions she told me that she didnt see the point of it and saw no hope for us in the future. I am currently seeing another counsellor on my own to attempt to help myself understand things a bit better - my wife has offered to come along to support me but nothing else.
All through the last 2 months my wife has told me that she -
still loves me misses me wants to stay married but just cant wants to stay friends with me feels powerless to do anything about the situation
Before reading Michele's book I tried all the classic attempts to reason with her, emailing, texting etc but to no avail. All through this period, although my wife continued to say she cd not get back together, she has still come over to visit at least once a week and we've had a great time together.
I told my wife a couple of weeks ago that I couldn't handle seeing her when i knew she didnt want to be my wife and that really upset her - the most upset I have seen her through the whole thing.
After having read Michele's advice, last week I decided to stop the pleading etc and say to my wife that I just wanted to stay friends as I missed her. I've been v upbeat on the couple of occassions we have seen each other but don't really know what to do next.
I love and miss my wife terribly - I feel so empty without her and think that to some extent she feels the same. I think however, that she feels backed into a corner a bit and is almost scared to change her mind.
I don't think all hope is lost but don't know what to do next and would be grateful for any advice anyone could give me.
I just thought I'd reply to you as you don't seem to be getting many responses.
The old R that I had with my W would be that we would argue, then not talk, then when we got to the brink of parting one of use (usually me) would crack and start making amends. If I told you that during 2004 my W and I bearly spoke to each other for the whole year, that would give you an indication of how bad things had got. So keep this in mind that communication will be something that you will need to work on in the future.
For now you are on the right track, you've stopped the begging and pleading and you are being upbeat when you see her. Next step is to just take you focus off trying to repair your M and take a look at yourself and think about what was it about you that first attracted W to. The big cliche on this board is to work on yourself but actually that is what you need to do. If you start becoming an attractive and interesting person I'm sure W will want to spend time in your company.
Some ideas for working on yourself, do you work out, go to the gym or do you have any outdoor activities you are interested in or could take up. Are there things you used to do but sopped doing when you got married. Have you changed you wardrobe recently, do you need new clothes. Are you clean shaven, do you where aftershave. These are the type of things that wil make you interesting and attractive.
Have a think and list some of the things you could do for yourself, make yourself some short term goals, post them here or keep them to yourself and work on them.
I really like what Lanzo said about short term goals, it is really helpful especially in the beginning. If you like we'll help you set them. Also, think about what 180s you can do.
I have tried to be more like the person I was when i first met my W. I've used to be v gym fit but had let it go. Have lost about 25lbs recently - can see my abs again !! W commented on it when we met yesterday.
W always complained I dressed too old so have been buying new clothes etc.
I guess although we are friends I guess my short terms goals wd be -
W to make contact with me first just to ask how I'm doing (she does this at present but usually when she has some matter about the sep that needs to be discussed.
W to want to come to counselling or even just to discuss R with me.
As you can see from my other thread we had a good time when i took her to the airpoirt yesterday - we had a reasonably long hug and kissed a couple of times on the cheek.
She is away at present but is getting a new car on Sun when she comes back. She said she will come over and show me but i'm unsure what to do. Do I use the LRT and say I'm going out or do I meet her and build on things?
W contacted me from holiday today to tell me she was having a good time.
That's really the first non essential contact we've had since separating that has been initiated by my W.
Other quick question I have - W asks how my counselling went each time we meet. I had a really good session yesterday where I started to put the jigsaw together and worked out why I had been quiet etc. My counsellor told me I was making good progress and that out of thousands of couples she has seen she thought we had a good chance of having a good marriage together.
Shd I bring this up when W asks about counselling next? i've been pretty vague when she has asked b4
IMHO you should continue to be vauge when W asks about your counselling, and just let her continue to observe you changes. From what I have read of you sitch I would tend to agree wuth your counsellor and I would add that you don't need to push things. If you continue on the path you have taken I'm sure you W will follow.
i really appreciate that you and other people on this board have taken the time to look at my sitch and offer help and advice from the other side of the world.
Hi DMB Scotland, I've read a bit of your sitch. I think you are doing a very good job. Don't panic and just be patient with your sitch. Take this time to learn what you need to. It's great that you & our W are still friends & friendly. Keep with the upbeat mode going!
I too agree with Lanzo - keep it vague. You are simply working on becoming a better You!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
