Last month my wife of 5 years left to NY (from Chicago) while I was at work. Typical from what I read. She said she needs 2-3 months to find out who she is and what she wants from life and that she was unhappy for the past year and that we are just too different.
Spent the first 3 weeks begging and pleading with so many "I Love You"s, of course it didn't work. I have read that I should just "go dark", does this work? Wouldn't she just think that I don't care and that its a good thing she left? Is a WAW doing a hyper hard to get thing? If I do continue to go dark (haven't talked to her since Sunday its now Tuesday)how long does this tactic take? weeks, months, years? The time for me has slowed incredibly since my job decided to take this opportunity to fire me.
Hi, glad you came here for help. First of all, have you bought and read the Divorce Remedy book by Michelle? That is a must. That holds the tools you will need to draw your wife back to you again and/or learn that you don't "need" her even though you still "want" her in your life. You learn how to become a better man/person and how to get a life and a lot of other things. In the meantime, the more you can tell us about your situation, the more we can help. Also, if you will read other posts and threads, it helps you a lot b/c you will find that a lot of the stories sound like yours. If you begin to post on other's threads, then you will soon build a support group of friends. Try to keep your thread in one forum so it is easier for people to find you instead of skipping around. But, you can go anywhere to post on somebody's thread. Clear as mud?
While you are waiting for your book, if you don't already have it, I will give you a list of do's and don'ts that are helpful b/c it is like a "quick guide" to DB.
.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it too......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life! 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words, but don't sound rude. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill, b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. 35. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Remember, this is for your eyes only. Don't tell her what you are doing.
Take care and I'll check in with you later. Hope this helps you get started.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What do you mean by "6. Do not ask for help from family members." help with what?
Since she is 1000 miles away and I can only contact her by phone and e-mail. I should just wait until she contacts me? What if that is never? Still seems bizarre. Has this ever worked?
Hi, glad you responded so quickly. It shows you are serious. First of all, this is what you might call a general list for everyone.....not for a specific stitch. So, with your wife living that far away, of course you would have to take that in consideration. This list is for those who are still living under the same roof, but it can be applied to those who are separated. #6 means that you don't need to turn to other mebers of your family and talk about your stitch b/c they tend to take sides (yours mostly) and it is very hard for them to be objective. Then if/when your wife returns home, she will feel embarrased or ill at ease around anyone that knows about your personal problems. Also, it could damage any future R between your family and your W b/c of the information you have given them. This applies to people at work or shared friends. If you have one close male friend that you can confide in.....that would be okay, I think, b/c you need somebody. I indicate a male friend, b/c if you turn to a female at this time, you are very vulnerable to get into an EA.....especially with your wife so far away.
It will take self control on your part to stay away from situation that would tempt you to get involved in any sexual flirting that could lead to a PA.
Your first post was kind of short, so the more you can tell us, the more specific we can try to be about your stitch.
Take care of yourself.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
OK too late for #6, I didn't know. She actually called me tonight with the excuse of "did you call me?" (I didn't). Was I wrong to answer the phone? I tried to keep it upbeat, I didn't say I love her or I miss her or beg or plead or ask her about relationship stuff or the(our?) future. I told her I have a job interview tomorrow and I have to go. Did I do this right?
don't do it man it won't help, you are the addict she is the drug and right now you are going through detox, you are shaky, and your blood pressure is up but with time you will stabalize, you can do this. I know it is hard but calling them is just a habit and takes time to overcome,it will get easier if you want them back it takes discipline you have to play the game I know it sucks and goes against everything in you but those are the rules of the game. I'll pray for you bro. rickya
