How do I start

[Trixi]

Here's that study I was talking about:
Does Divorce Make People Happier?

[john1861]

Thanks for all your advice Trixi and CW… I did take it and wrote my wife. I basically told her I was sorry for my part in us growing apart and that in hindsight I wished I had handled things differently. Also that if she found a time in her life she wanted to try again, I would be willing too. There were 2 GIANT 180’s in it….number 1 was that I would be willing to do it here (NC) or in Connecticut. A little background, I do not like CT (I don’t like the cold) and said I would never live there again although we are both originally from there. The second was that she didn’t need to respond to me about it…I just asked that she keep it in the back of her head. The reason this is a big 180 is that I have always wanted immediate validation when dealing with our problems in the past. I guess I am a typical male in that if I can’t fix something right away it must be unfixable....where as my wife is very analytical
You will never know how much our conversation last night helped me. Whatever the outcome of this I needed someone to remind me to GAL and get back to working on myself. I can’t thank you enough.

John

[Trixi]

That sounds really great

I am a little bit concerned about the moving back to CT thing; my worry being that *if* you do, you will end up resentful once the relationship is back on track. Try to have concrete ideas in mind on how you would deal with the cold; how you will be able to have a cheerful heart and not end up depressed because you were "forced" to move a place you swore you wouldn't go back to.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Changed Woman]

(((John)))

I think you did an awesome job! I like the idea about not asking her to answer you right now....asking her to keep it in the back of her mind will take the pressure off her in terms of feeling like she has to know exactly what she wants for her future right now and it will help for her to know the door is still open. This will be something she thinks about often....trust me...if she's analytical...she will really ponder this.

Now...back to you! Spend this time doing whatever makes you feel good about yourself and whatever gets you to a place of happiness. Come and share your thoughts here with us...we are happy to help and might even ask you for advice at times. It's always nice to have a man's view of things

Keep your chin up my friend....everything will turn out as it should. Trixi's advice about preparing yourself for a possible move is great.

[john1861]

A quick update....No contract with my ex since I sent the email. I did talk to a friend who has been in touch with her and she told me that she said she's have been happier in her life. That sort of hurts but I'm trying to keep a good head about it. On the GAL side I am remodeling a bathroom in my house and have a blind date for tomorrow night. I have dated since the break up but not in a whlie....I don't really want a relationship yet. Alittle to soon. But we all need new friends.

[Changed Woman]

Hi, John-

Maybe she is happier than she's every been and maybe she's trying to convince herself that's true...who knows.

Bottom line what you are doing for yourself is necessary regardless of what happens with your wife.

Keep us posted.

[Tostada]

wondering if anyone has shown that study to WAS?
I had never seen that site and the articles on there were excellent.

[john1861]

Well another update… The ex called this morning to remind me it was my son’s bday. Like I would forget! In the course of the conversation I asked if she had gotten an email I sent her relating to some documents we have to sign. The conversation went something like this.
Her: I got both your emails (meaning the email I told her I would try again)
Me: We don’t have to talk about the first one..
Her: That’s good because I don’t know what to say about it.

Couple minutes of small talk

Her: You know that we bring out the worst it each other…. 16 years have proved that.
Me: I just wanted to you to know that if the time came when we clicked again I would be willing to work at this
Her: We always clicked we just are bad for each other. What would you do if I asked you to come back to Connecticut tomorrow? You would be miserable. You would hate me for it.
Me: For one thing I wouldn’t jump in my car and come back tomorrow…I have things going on in my life too you know. What I would do is work towards that.

Some more small talk … Financial and kid stuff.

She told me she was going to move into a rental property that she owns (3 bedrooms/1 bath). Besides her and my 2 kids, her deadbeat sister and husband and 2 kids would be moving in also. Their house is being foreclosed on and neither one of them work. She can’t stand living at her mothers because her mother hounds her about the way she is raising my kids (spending to much time w/the BF I assume) and the life she living.

Me: I gotta get going I have an appointment at 10:30
Her: OK I’ll call you on Tuesday
Me: What for?
Her …More financial and kid stuff

Goodbyes

CW you said she would be thinking about this and you seem to be right. But what’s up with all the other nonsense….

[Trixi]

Believe none of what they do and half of what they say.

She's testing you. She IS worried if she said "ok" that you WOULD go there and be miserable and blame her. And I had the same concern, so it seems very valid to me.

Remember when I said that you needed to come up with a plan to deal with CT and not end up resentful? In my opinion, that is what she was looking for (at least a little.)

So when she said "What if I asked you to come up tomorrow?" You could say "Funny you asked that because I don't want to end up miserable or blame you if I am. I have come to realize that happiness comes from within and it would be MY choice to move there. I value my family. So, in thinking about how to deal with the main issues I have with CT (the cold, rain, snow -whatever) if we went on vacation Dec and Feb to sunny locals, that would help. Also I have looked into a light box. I plan to take up skiing so I can learn to embrace the cold." blah blah blah. I don't know HOW you would deal with it, but concrete ideas need to be planned.

She wanted to see what you would say. She wanted to make sure that you have actually thought this thru and see what you would do to keep her from being blamed. She is definitely thinking. Don't push her, but if it comes up again (What if I asked...) take the opportunity to show that you have actually considered it seriously, not in a desperate "I'll do *anything*" type of way, but in a wise, thoughtful sort of way.

Well, at least those are my thoughts. Your mileage may vary.

[john1861]

As always great thoughts. I hope it does come up again...I don't think it would wise if I bought it up. I will use your advice. I do have a plan. It's not thought all the way out yet that's one of the reasons I didn't want to get to "into it" with her. I am trying to play it laid back. Do you think that's a good way to go or should I be more upfront.