Hi, wanted to post a thread of MLC returning spouses. My MLC H is on the way out the door at the end of the month, and it has only been less than 2 months. Looking for some stories and stragies that worked on MLC H or W. I am discouraged but committed to trying to make this work. appreciate your replies.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
You mean your spouse is coming home after being gone two months, right?
Well, the thing is to give him his space, do not bring up things he may have done.
On the other hand, myself and many others will tell you that it is very likely he will come and go at least a few times.
Mine moved out in 2006, back in 2007 for a few weeks, out again, back in March 2008, out again in April 2008.
Many times it is them--they feel the need to run away.
Even if you are doing the right things, they still run away.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Hi MWG, No my H announced 2 months ago that INH and found an apt and is moving end of this month. Want to find some stories of S that returned and timeline etc. Looking for DB strategies that work and some things that do not work. My H is talking D and he is not out the door yet. Trying to do all that I can so I can at least tell my girls I tried and I am not a quitter. _______ The bomb INH - 7/27/08 H announces wants to move out - 8/15 H - signs 6 month lease less than 1/2 mile from house - begins 10/1 Me - 52 H - 49 M 21 years D15 D28 (in another state)
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I think if he wants a D, he will have to do the work.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Hi Saffie, I have been reading so many threads but your responses were very positive after going through so much and it took such a long time but seem to be very committed. Did your H ever leave? file for D, etc. Handle your kids? I feel so powerless these days.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
My H and I had become very disconnected over time. I think we both had a bit of a MLC and we both thought the other one no longer cared. We seemed to be leading separate lives except for parenting the kids.
H became very uncaring and would tell me friends didn't like me and felt sorry for him etc. I went into self destruct mode. This all happened over some time. I had low self esteem and felt of little value. I sought solace in the company of my female friends and my H was no longer my best friend who I could tell everything to - he was more like a parent or even an enemy.
I then decided to seek help for myself and tried various types of C..Eventually, after a false start or two I found a therapist who was a cognitive behavioural therapist and he helped me change the way I viewed certain parts of my life and the way I reacted in certain situations.
As a result of that I wrote my H a heart felt letter telling him how I wanted our M back on track and that I wanted him back as my best friend. He took days to reply and when he finally did it was to tell me that he had been having an A for the last 18 months with one of his staff and he was trying to decide whether to leave or to stay. The OW had abandoned her small children and her H and set up a 'love nest' and was just waiting on his decision. Her idea was that my H would evict me from our house and she would just move in and become my children's mother. She belittled me as a SAHM but actually what she wanted was my life style.
I knew nothing of DBing then and went mental. I threatened to call the directors of the co. of which my H is the CEO and to end his and OW's careers there. I also was very vocal to all around me about what H had done and I also stupidly tried to commit suicide - none of this I recommend. However, such a strong recation from me was a 180 as H had thought I didn't care about him and was truly indifferent to whether he stayed or went - just as long as my life style, (which is comfortable), wasn't disturbed. Apparently he had been leaving a trail of clues around about his A and as I trusted him, (but he interpreted it as cared so little), I never noticed he was cheating.
My children were obviously extremely upset and my second D, who was then 13, contacted the OW and told her exactly what she thought of her.
After a week of not really knowing what was going to happen, H recommitted to me and the M because he realised how much I loved him and that rekindled his love for me, and since then things have gone forwards.
It has not been easy- and that is with an H who has never looked back at OW. We used lawyers to get rid of her from the co. but for the next year she resided in my head and continued to ruin our M as I couldn't stop fixating on her. Eventually I decided that it was ok to hate her - she was a bit of a bunny boiler - I won't go into details here - and as soon as I allowed myself to not have to forgive her I found I was able to move on.
I have ups and downs still, but gradually the downs get less and the ups remain with me longer. My H is as committed now as he was when we were first M'd - more so perhaps. I have learned to act 'as if' more and to be more grateful for what I have. I monitor my M more closely and try to ensure I keep my connection with my H close and let hin know how important he is to me - he needed that, and that was what for so long I had just not done.
I hope some of this helps. We now look forward to retirement together and we talk about the future. We always try to have something to look forward to together - even if it be only something small like a trip to the cinema or theatre. We talk more.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hi Saffie, your first 2 paragraphs are exactly my story. We drifted and were almost leading seperate lifes. In July while I was visiting family with my D15, my H found out he was not to receive a sr mgr position. He was devastated. I think it was at that point that one of the woman that worked for him that they started an A. He still to this day will not admit. But end of July he tells me IANH after one night getting home late and drinking (gave up drinking 20 years ago), from that point on he does not want to work on the marriage. We went to MC seperately and then met together last week and he says he wants to move out and take care of himself. H said there is no OW (knows he will get fired) and it is just me. Hasn't been happy in 20 years. full blown MLC. The worst part is that we moved away from my family (1st move was living in the my hometown) over 1900 miles and it is only myself and D15 with no one around. We both work together so it is very uncomfortable. He found an apt less than 1/2 mile from our house. He is moving the end of the month. I tried talking, pleading etc, to no avail, did mention suicide (just acting out), now I am trying DB but it is frustrating when it is only me working on this. I saw that you managed to pull everything together. Willing to wait if I see results eventually. I cannot move back to old state till my D15 finishes school (3 more years). It is so isolating for me and I am trying to keep my spirits up. thank God for these message boards. Thanks for your input on how you were able to put the A behind you. I do not know if I should expose the A to my Ds, especially since he will not admit to it. Did you tell your children and how did they take it. Appreciate your post. Hoping to hear from others also.. ____________ me 52 H 49 D15 D28 bomb 7/08 IANH found apt moving 10/1 M 21 years
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I wouldn't expose anything about your H's A until you know for certain - and I mean can prove- that it exists. My H had admitted it to me. The kids found out at the same time because they heard me screaming about it and going mental. I had on occasions wondered about this particular woman as H had kept going on about how nice she was and how if I knew her she was the type of person I would be friends with - hmmmm - yep - I really go fo husband stealing cheating b!tches - riiiiighttt!
I think I had a few distinct advantages that worked in my favour.
Before knowing about the A my H had seen that I was trying via the C to make changes in our M; so he knew the changes were for real - there was never any question that I was doing it just to save the M because I had found out he was having an A. (You seem to have this in your favour too from what you say).
The A had been going on for 18 months so I wasn't dealing with that overpowering hormonal love rush that a lot of people on here are dealing with in their S when they arrive. My H had gotten to the point when a lot of A's break down because the highs have dissapated and the practicalities of following through on the pipe dreams are beginning to look not very realistic. I dothink men often give up at this point because they no longer have that intial high that gives them the energy to deal with the agro of a split.
I knew for certain about the A as the info came from my H and he gave me access to OW and all her correspondence etc.
Also my H had much to lose too. He would have lost his position as the CEO - he knew I would have seen to that as he would have been seen to be abusing his position.
I am an advocate of 'busting' an A. It worked for me. I know though that it doesn't work for all and I can't see how it can be done without proof. I don't understand how a M can be worked on when there are three people in it....but that is just my opinion. It's hard enough with just two of you and your own children.
Good luck - I think you have reasons for much hope. Stick with it.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hi Saffie, I know that he took OW out when I was out of state visiting my family, A friend saw him in the next town over out to dinner with OW and then I saw the charges on his cc bills for dinner and a club. I realized who it was a few days later because I was driving by the building that this OW worked at after having an argument with H, and there he was in the parking lot with her and soon as I saw the body language it all clicked together. He has now bought a black berry (already has one for business) and has hidden it in his car. I think the reason is he got nervous because he had to discipline one of his employees for kissing someone's hand and the guy almost got fired. Imagining disciplining one of your employees while you are having an A with one of your other workers? I am having such a difficult time these past few days and not using the DB principals and falling back on my old nagging ways. NOT EFFECTIVE. I have to wait for my H to come to his senses on his own, even with him moving out at the end of the month. Your right the bloom was off the rose after 18 months of an A. It probably just felt like another bad marriage by then...(little humor). So your H never really moved out. I have much work to do and I am hoping that I will have an end result like yours. You even renewed your vows. How blessed is that. thanks
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
