OK...just journaling...updating, whatever. Want to make sure Forrest finds my new thread in case he came up with something wonderfully sarcastic and could not post it on the locked thread....knew I should have started a new one before I left last night.
Still not much going on...little tug-o-war in my head. Since the camp trip(just as reference point, 2 weeks ago--was that a turning point?)my wife has not been out much, we have been home together most times, just being a little more normal, whatever that means.
Still a wee bit too much drinking going on, but quite a few of those "home alone" nights...cooking dinner together, listening to music and chatting...the other night out in the yard with a nice fire.
The tug-o-war?? Still that problem I have pulling myself away when I know she is home with no plans. I either suggest we do something, which she normally accepts, or just stay around with her and hang out...seems the only time I have it easy trying to GAL is when she is GAL...have to work on that more. Especially if she is seeing things from a slightly different perspective.
Even if we were not in the current sitch, I know she would enjoy some time to just be alone with her thoughts and relax, as we all should have. I would not even have to leave the house...still plenty to do around there that would keep me busy and out of her sight.
But anyway....she sort of invited me out last night. She had dinner plans with an old friend of ours..bridesmaid at our wedding. They stay in touch but rarely see each other, so that was good for her. She is a sweetheart and a good friend to both of us for a long time. Her marriage is not a happy one and by my wife's description, her husband could be described as me at my worst, x10.
Funny...as my wife has told me of their sitch, I often wondered what she thought and if, or how she compared it to ours, and her feelings about me. Her friend has told her that she has no immediate plans to leave her H and it is more for financial reasons than anything else.
They stopped at the house after dinner and I was just sitting around relaxing. I mentioned that I was stranded because I had let my SIL take the car while she was in town.....wife said "well, put some pants on and come have a drink with us". I told them I was not looking for an invite or intrude on their night out, but they both insisted, which was cool, so I went.
Later I told my wife the same thing...was not looking to be asked to go or intrude, and she said I wanted you to come along, I felt sorry for you sitting home all alone in your pj's and laughed.
We had a nice night...played some pool, had some drinks, ran into some friends and I got to catch up with our friend that she went to dinner with. We stayed out after by ourselves and chatted, got home too late, went to bed and ML....and we have been texting back and forth all day about nothing....her making first contact and keeping it going all day so far.
Tonight we are supposed to go to dinner with SIL before she flies out on Saturday, and Saturday afternoon a coworker of mine is getting married. We were planning on going late as we both have to work, but that may still be up in the air.
She wants to make snacks and watch the football game on Sunday, which still cracks me up. I really have no interest and she is sensing that so I am going to sit with her and watch, listen and pay attention....take an interest, follow and learn right along with her this season.
Please guys, I know....not normal...just not a foot/base ball sport fan, never have been. My interests run more to mechanical things and cars...racing, etc., but she has really taken an interest and if she'll let me I am going to get into it right along with her.
Couple more quick notes....the "new best friend"...don't hear much about her lately. The last time she was out with her was last week after I camped. I know they text and talk all the time and very curious why things have cooled. That could change any time, so I don't dwell on it, but she really is not someone that I would like to see my wife get any closer to. Maybe my wife is seeing the light on her own.
Also, don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I am planning another camping weekend in October and was talking to my D about it, and seems W is interested in taking an extra day off from work and going with me.
Wow - what is not to like about that post! It is very refreshing to hear about someone who is getting such positive results from DBing. Your W really seems to be reconnecting with you. Congrats!
Just chuckling to myself about our user names...searching4help...ndsmhelp.
My hope is one day she is going to wake up and realize we have reconnected, but I know she is not there yet.
Things have been different enough the last 2 weeks that I am taking notice, but we have been here many times in the last 5 months.
This time I really have to keep my eye on the ball and figure out what it is I have done, or am doing that is keeping her a little closer right now....shining as FG says...never can figure out how to turn that switch on and off...seems to have a mind of it's own.
Just trying not to get too wrapped up in her right now...no pushing, no pressure...more work on GAL...my big issue.
Everytime you start digging too deeply into the analysis end, and start forgetting about the living end of things, you start cycling.
I believe your wife can pick up on when you are cycling. And to this point, I think it has made her doubt the sincerity of your changes. I think it makes her wonder if she's being played in a sense.
I wonder sometimes if that isn't what provokes "the talk" that she has delivered to you periodically.
Rather than waste valuable time and effort, both physically and emotionally, on trying to perfectly assess her state, how much more would you gain by instead choosing to pour everything into finding out just how wonderful a guy you can possibly become?
DB'ing compels us to make life long positive changes. It urges us to become once again the man our wives fell in love with - only better. It directs our focus OFF trying to figure out the emotional state of our spouse and urges us to instead look in the mirror and see what more can be done.
Become the man that she cannot bear to be without.
You are moving in that direction. The camping trip and her response to you aftewards seems to make that clear.
You have shown her such love, tenderness, selflessness, and humility. You have become the husband who cares about what will build UP his wife, rather than what satisfies him.
And with the camping trip, you showed her a man who is more than capable of grasping life by the tail and wringing out as much fullness from it as he can.
What is unattractive about ANY of that?
The walls are coming down.
No, the crisis is not yet over. But the tide is beginning to turn. And the momentum is beginning to build.
Your job is to ignore the analysis. Your job is to continue growing as a real man, husband, and father. Your job is continue loving her with your every breath.
You're doing great.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
"Hey Forrest, did you you have one all ready to go and then come back to find the thread locked? Now that would be funny...."
Yes.
LOL..
To bad you missed it.
Sucks to be you!
(I did Bitc* about it)
"I believe your wife can pick up on when you are cycling. And to this point, I think it has made her doubt the sincerity of your changes. I think it makes her wonder if she's being played in a sense."
Gotta love it!
"Rather than waste valuable time and effort, both physically and emotionally, on trying to perfectly assess her state, how much more would you gain by instead choosing to pour everything into finding out just how wonderful a guy you can possibly become?"
I think.. Bill said it twice?
By god.. I think he is onto something. <--- LOS (Lot of Sarcasm)
"You are moving in that direction. The camping trip and her response to you afterward seems to make that clear."
So Bill can see the "movement" too.
"What is unattractive about ANY of that?"
If you... "Paralysis by analysis." ANY of it.
"Your job is to ignore the analysis."
"Your job is to continue growing as a real man, husband, and father."
Your job is continue loving her the way you know how.
"You're doing great."
I agree with Bill.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"Hey Forrest, did you you have one all ready to go and then come back to find the thread locked? Now that would be funny...."
Yes.
LOL..
To bad you missed it.
Come on Forrest! You are killing me.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hey Coach...even when he is giving good advice, he keeps us entertained, eh??
Had kind of bad day yesterday. My mother who is 85 ended up in the hospital last night. Got a phone call from my brother in the afternoon.
It was not an emergency sitch, but more because she is having so much joint pain and getting weaker(heart trouble, severe arthritis). We would like to see her get into a rehab unit for a few weeks to help her get her strength back. The trip home really knocked her for a loop and she has had a rough week.
The doctor cannot admit her directly to rehab and he suggested a route through ER, to admission to the hospital for 3 days and then rehab, which is what we are trying.
This all hit me pretty hard yesterday for some reason. Part of it is just the general stress I have right now, but I think also the realization that she may be towards the end of her being able to care for herself(barely as it is now, with assistance), and stay at home with my brother and SIL.
We have talked about assisted living or a nursing home in the past, and I believe we are at a point now that the family will have to get together and make plans to get her taken care of. My siblings are not known for "working together" when it comes to family matters like this and I am sure this will just be the beginning of some stressful times.
My father died about 8 years ago. The year before he passed he spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital and it was me that took on the brunt of coordinating his care, spending time with him, getting him back and forth to the doctors, etc. I think when there is one one person that steps up and handles things like this in a family, the others tend to step back, relax and let them do it.
That was what happened with my Dad and it turned out to be a pretty rough year for me, culminating in his last hospital stay and him passing with just myself and my older by his side.
Seeing my mother now, and thinking about that time with my father really got to me yesterday and on the way home I got myself into a sobbing mess. By the time I got home to my wife I had stopped, but when I sat down to tell her what was going on, it just started all over.
As I talked to her between the sobs and tears, she came over to me and held me and let me put her head on her shoulder and I knew she understood, because she was there. She saw what I went through with my Dad, and I told her that if that is what we are looking at now, with my mother, there is just no way that I can be the one that everyone is going to look to for guidance and to make sure everything gets handled. I can't do it again, not now.
Bill and Forrest, thanks. I read your posts and hear you guys loud and clear. Things feel good right now and I know we have been here numerous times over the months.I am trying to stay focused and get past the cycles....going with the flow and trying to believe my intuition, which is telling me good things right now.
Have to believe more in the person I have become and believe that she sees it....maybe she does not accept it, yet, but she sees, she is watching and each day maybe just a small piece of that wall IS coming down.
