It hurts so much...

[CME66]

I recently found out my wife of 20 years is having an affair which she still conceals. I have confirmed it by other means and she sneaks off to see him 4-5 times a week. She has underlying depression/bipolar stymptoms and refuses to acknowledge it or seek treatment. She is away at a meeting and answered the hotel phone in a sugary sweet way uncharacteristic of her until she heard my voice and gave the "Oh, It's you" statement.

Over the past 10-12 years I have not been the best, attentive, unselfish husband as I should have been. My only defense is her underlying depression that she never communicated to me in a way my dense brain could understand even though she says she was telling me in her own way all these years ("Couldn't you *SEE* something was wrong!?!?"). 4 months ago I got the ILYBNILWY, but it would be too selfish to divorce because of the kids. She has a friend who just got divorced as well and earlier was telling her the benefits of being without the ball-and-chain, but more recently has been feeling lonely now that her paramour during her marriage is a jerk as well.

My wife is also in the middle of a full blown MLC as well and has monthly cyclical hyper-emotional outbursts. Tha last one was when she saw me confirming the evidence of her infidelity that she saw she left behind and started screaming and crying uncontrollably in what my IC interpreted as feeling she had been found out. She also become hypersexual with frequent masturbation at work, in traffic in her car, and at home.

We are in MC and I am in IC. The MC is 100% for saving marriages and not for trial separations in these instances and is gently easing into the conversations the issues of inappropriate reactionary choices spouses may make when they feel that they have been devalued by their SO and can see that she is reacting with a guilty conscience.

However, every time she goes out to "run errands" or leaves work early, she is seeing him. I feel frustrated and devalued and that she is not only betraying me, but the kids as well by ignoring their needs and the household. More recently she has been cooking which she hates since I have done it 99% for the past 20 years. I interpret this a guilt for leaving the kids so much.

She was my best friend before we got engaged and I feel the pain of my failure to be a better friend and spouse to her as well as the pain of her betrayal of me. I eat, but have been losing weight. I find it difficult to concentrate, and I take no real pleasure in my hobbies or past-times. I know that I need to improve my self confidence and work on my own interests, but pain and despair keep creeping in.

What has helped other people?

[kat727]

I have been there and it is not a pleasant place to be. It took about three months before I start to feel better in regards to failing etc. I didn't take any medication but I know it would have helped me see things a little clearer. I went to counseling and found this site and things began to change for me. I joined a book club, have started going to movies by myself and started a movie club with some of my friends on here.

I am not really sure what caused me to get where I am now. Alot of hard work on my part for sure. I dropped the rope and am looking at what I want for the lives of my children and myself. It also really helped to reach out to others that are in the same boat. We can all learn from each other. Take it one step at a time.

kat

[CME66]

I don't take meds either, but try to go work out. When I am at work, I try to focus, but mind still wanders and I am afraid of making a serious mistake.

The worst is the lies and deceptions. MC says these next few days may be real tough because of the suspicions and she is abbreviating her trip and may be edgy and try to provoke something.

I told MC that I would bite my tongue until it bleeds rather than get into a debate with W.

[CME66]

Right now I feel so much like exposing her affair and going to his wife as well or at least threatening to in order to pressure her out of it. Our MC says this will just push them closer together and confirm in her mind that she is justified in her immorality.

This weekend I found "suspicious" dried yellow stains on the sheets and we have never had sex on those sheets.

We got into an argument yesterday and she withdrew and was short, edgy, and just a general bitch. AND I DID NOT CARE!!!

For the first time, her feelings meant nothing to me. I actually felt the pit in my stomach relax a bit. I have no desire to try to DB or engage her in "date nite" or any other activities.

[Babygirl]

hugs!! I understand the wanting to out the affair, wish I could out the ow to her man, wait she dont have one. I could to thier boss, but that would get my H fired also.
I am also in the boat of what is H really doing, today, it happened again, and I wanted to smack myself, instead of waiting for my buds here to do it. it was the reality of that pit and my feelings when he is aware of how it makes me feel, and that I am justified in those feelings because of steps he took in life, not me, but that I WONT go to that place again! (ok I say that today, later tonite or tomorrow, who knows!)
I follow my gut, its more truthful, and trustable, but I choose me at this point today, and my children. I cant control him or her, of course they are gonna lie, DUH pup always says its like a drug, I finally have seen that in the past 5 days. I agree lies hurt worse than knowing about the A especially when its still going on. I only confront with enuff ammo to no matter what they say, I know and they know I know. I personally dont regret it, others here do.
She is on the drug of the om at this point, it sucks, but concentrate on you and if you have children them, its not about them, and I truly learned that this weekend, it is about us. we cant control them, but lets gripe and vent to eachother, and constantly make them wonder. it took me a while to see that, but I have, and many here have also. you arent alone, HERE you are safe and with friends.
you do what you have to do, but know you arent alone!
hugs!
babygirl

[DanceQueen]

CME66 - I am glad your MC is pro-marriage, but I respectfully disagree that exposing her affair would push her into his arms. She is ALREADY in his arms every chance she gets.

Has she at least admitted to the A yet? Or are you and the MC just trying to circle her in counseling until she admits it???

I am confused about that part.

DQ

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CME66 - I am glad your MC is pro-marriage, but I respectfully disagree that exposing her affair would push her into his arms. She is ALREADY in his arms every chance she gets.

. . . and, having sex in THEIR marital bed????!

[Babygirl]

ok not saying they arent those kind of stains, and good gawd gonna embarress myself in this post, but, am gonna say this anyways. I had white sheets for years and years, and when we were happy years ago, we ML alot, and there were areas on the sheets (good gawd am i typing this??) but they werent "yellow"

I dont know if ya'll live together or not, or how much alone time she has at the house, so I am just wondering about her having time to have another man in the bed.

[CME66]

Checked out the stains. NOT what I supposed them to be. Relief.

Had a MC session with her and she did most of the talking and I the listening. She claims that I am angry, but more accurately I was neutral. She admits that I am not yelling, raising my voice, or agrumentative as in the past (bad habits from my parents) and she thinks that I am just supressing it. She is used to me being the loudest in the house with the strongest opinions and is suspicious of the change in behavior and calmness I now seem to have.

In reality, diplomacy is the best course of action and I am trying to get that into my home life. She says I am a faker and I really feel more at peace and less anxious. She thinks that is abnormal for me. Really, it is just new and a result of me realizing what my past behavior was that drove us apart and her to OM.

She was very complementary of me during teh session and my parenting and the things the MC asked about our early relationship and she indicated a willingness to keep working on the R and was hopeful that the changes she sees in me are premanent and I personally feel that they are and will make me a better parent and spouse.

[Babygirl]

so glad the stains werent what you had thought. to me it sounds like you are doing great!! the changes are for you, to me its making her very nervous.
great job!!