My last thread was locked, so starting a new one. I guess I post too much!
The thread title is related to the fact that I have 5 more weeks before I will have been out of the house for 3 months. Don't worry though, I in no way think that this means I will go back and we'll suddenly be in piecing! I actually think I will go back to a very lukewarm (if I'm lucky) reception, but 5 weeks is still a long time...
In fact I have some business trips planned for the beginning of October, so it is unlikely that I will be in Poland for much more than 3 weeks.
Anyway thanks all for posting and keeping up with my sagas. Pisces, thanks for your last post on my last thread.
How long did it take you to get from stage 1 to stage 2? I am really surprised that I am still in stage 1 as we don't really seem to have any negative feelings between us anymore, but I guess if they are within H, it still counts. Stage 1 with sex is an interesting combo anyway...Of course that was just a one-off given the fact that I am here in Poland and he's in Dublin!
By the way I know many of you would have seen my posts about H's self-help books around codependency etc. Jody said that he is likely "over-correcting" and thus is trying to spend as much time being independent and autonomous as possible.. This is why she also suggests that I be really good about giving him space. She said that most of these books will not suggest throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but rather trying to make corrections in behavior to see whether this will alter the dynamics of the relationship. I hope she is right. She thinks that the way he set up the meeting on Monday sounds as though it was based on a suggestion from one of these books in terms of how much time to spend with me in order to minimize the likelihood of negative interactions. She says that he will probably gravitate toward a happy medium over time, but the issue at the moment is that we do not want him to make decisions on our future relationship based on the extreme that he is in now. This is another reason why she feels that me just showing up at the house will be the best option since it will not force a decision or discussion, and we just take the gamble that he will not bring up an R talk. In fact she said that if he does send me more of these guilt-ridden emails, I can choose to ignore as needed, given the fact that he ignores many of my emails.
I'm just spinning right now, so unsure about the next few months, nervous, excited, scared, the usual. I will be having a joint session with H and Jody next week, so let's hope this sheds some positive light on the situation. When I asked him if he wanted to push the sessions out, he said by 1 week. Jody said not to ask him again, and to stick with this timeframe. Hopefully this will mean he's committed as he didn't seem to be previously...
OK I will post more later if anything interesting happens. H is predictable these days though in terms of contact, so I suspect he will not reach out today, unless it's another email about how his tuition should have been paid...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
H is freaking out about his tuition. He says that if he has to drop this semester, it will be very hard for him to forgive the situation. He will not need to drop the semester, and he should have looked at the budget originally himself, and should have talked to his school administrator. Anyway, I sent him an email asking how I could help, whether there was anything I could do, suggested some things to cut from the budget to make the payments. Anyway, I hate that he is looking at this as my fault. I feel sick, and I really want to tell him that if I just came home, things would be a lot cheaper. I know he is angry because we went on a trip that I wanted to go on instead of covering his tuition. It's not my fault that he said yes :(.
Anyway I sent him this email,
"Hi again,
I'm sorry this situation is so difficult. I really want to help as I know that there is plenty in the budget to cover the fees over the next month.
Stock money will be enough to completely pay off that balance. We can make sure that is first priority. It was always in the budget. the budget has money for each semester's fees.
In the meantime, there was 750 budgeted for Prague. If you want we can put that immediately toward your school. I don't need anything else while I am here.
Next pay period is going to be incredibly tight, but I want to make sure we get this taken care of first and foremost, and we can find things to cut from the budget as need be.
The last option would be to try and use my corporate card. I will have to pay off the balance by October 11th, but it may work as well. There are plenty of options to make the payments. Please just let me know what I can do to help make this easier. You have enough on your plate."
This is really breaking my heart. It is all I can do not to IM him and ask if he is OK. I hate that he thinks his school wasn't a priority for me. It always has been! I hope this hasn't really pushed him away...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Actually, given how upset he is, should I call or IM him?
Or do I leave him to deal with this?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
OK I IMd him, very light and nice though, or so I thought. He got really irritable.
"we are doing so well on our budget, was just thinking that we could do something like pay 2K on your school from our current account and maybe the last 3 from either my corporate account or our joint account just to make sure there are no problems".
H: "we will see. i still do not know how much we owe" M: "yeah from the email it looked like about 5600, looked like for this year, but I guess they need to confirm." H: "i am going to have to repeat- again that it was from last year hence it says 2007/2008" M: "yeah it was just confusing I guess" H: "hopefully it is clear so i do not have to repeat again" M: "yes I think I just got confused, sorry about that, OK well just let me know if I can do something to help" H: ok
By the way the email he forwarded shows 0 balance for last year, and the balance due for this year. I am not going to point this out and fight with him though. I feel like we have taken a bunch of steps back now, as he feels as though this is my fault, has basically already said he wouldn't forgive me if it doesn't get sorted. Now this will be yet another example of him going along with things to his own detriment. I feel so sick...
He makes it my fault, but won't let me help, and is angry with me even while I'm being nice. If I were home things would be soooo much easier.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
You have made lots of suggestions to help him, leave him alone now to figure it out otherwise you will be taking his pride/ manliness away and show him that you don't think he is capable. He is angry and lashing out so just ignore the blame bits. I really would leave it now, no more IMing, I think your email was clear enough. In fact I would even show yourself as away if you can.
Actually I took a walk out of the office, am sitting in a park now, so I will show as away. I wasn't sure about making those suggestions, was only trying to show that his school was also my first priority. Hopefully he will find out the balance soon enough and will feel calmer. I know I am right on this one, but I guess I need to wait for him to figure it out. I won't be holding my breath for an apology though.I guess I wouldn't want one anyway. I don't want him to feel guilty. I only intended to show support...
We'll see when I hear from him next,
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
It will be ok, honestly. He just needs to work it out and he also may not know tell you his resolution so don't wait around for one, try to take your mind off it. Although I know that is easier said than done. In a way it is good he feels safe and secure enough to take stuff out on you, that is normal spuse behaviour so feel a bit encouraged and don't take it personally - again easier said than done x
There was actually a part of me that was glad he seemed angry as it was strong emotion.
He actually will have to tell me his resolution if it involves making a payment as we share all finances, but if it just turns out he doesn't owe right now or something, maybe he will not :).
Anyway I guess I got to show a 180 by not rising to the bait. I REALLY wanted to tell him he was wrong, as he actually is, and I think if he knew that he'd feel better. However you're right that he needs to be seen as resolving this himself AND I don't want to make him look bad.
I'll post later if he gets back to me,
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Anyway with a very non-exciting update, I got back to my desk, and there was an IM from H that he'd paid 1K from our current account. He's offline now, but I just sent a few short lines for when he logs back in, acting like I didn't realize he was offline...
"OK great we can pay even more if needed--am fine with cutting back on anything not absolutely necessary. Oh you're not there. I'm silly typing to myself :)"
Hopefully this is crisis resolved for the day. It is actually true though that we would be in much better shape if I were to just come back early to Dublin, and we would have much more money in the budget. Now it's just a matter of somehow planting that seed in his head in a non-obvious way...My idea is to mention a couple of business trips that I have in early October, where I need to fly from Dublin. I will hold off on this for another 10 days or so, but by mentioning them, and the few days between them, he might start to wonder about the cost of a hotel. I also know that he has a business trip at the beginning of October, or thereabouts. The dates haven't been confirmed yet, but I think it could be that we have 3 business trips in a row, all within a few days of each other. He certainly wouldn't want me to pay to fly back and forth to Wroclaw during those few days, and it would be good to have me there to care for the dogs instead of paying for a kennel while he is away. Well, let's just see if he can somehow come to that conclusion on his own. Probably the best way would be for me to say "Oh I have these 2 trips from Dublin on X dates. There's a couple of days in between, so I'll just stay in a hotel near the airport. If I suggest the hotel, like I did on my last night before leaving for Wroclaw, he may tell me not to do it. If I ASK if I need to stay in a hotel, chances are he'll say yes. Finances seem to be driving a lot of his behavior lately, so it is a possibility...I think him asking me to just stay would be SO much easier than me just showing up like Jody suggested (even though I will do that if needed).
ITH
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I see a lot of references to a budget. Who set(s) the budget? From my outsider's perspective, it seems a little controlling to keep reminding him of something like that. Maybe he sees it that way too?
At this point, those are his problems from his decisions. Apologizing over and over again for decisions he's made will only imply he's dependent on you and has no responsibility of his own. Part of him appears to like that, or at least find familiarity and comfort with it, as he's eager to blame you. Seems to me that he's being manipulative in this. My vote is to let him sink or swim on his own with this one. He knows where the money is or is not. He knows what needs done. So he should have at it.
I would say texts and IMs are really not doing anything constructive at this point. Just another leash. Time to let the boy grow into a man.
