Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Yes.. I know my numbering is off. I had more threads than I realized! I meant to fix the # on this new thread but forgot, so I'll catch it next time.
And my semi-brief summary of my sitch:
H had a "just a good friend" from work. He's a mechanic, she works in parts. Barf. She was/is an extremely nasty and toxic woman. I swear she's got notches on her bed post of marriages she's "helped" men out of. At the time she was married, and had a married "boyfriend" at work (with a newborn baby at home no less... see? She's really a prize). Anyway, she was thinking about leaving her M, and H was unhappy in ours. Perfect right?
H didn't want me to think anything was inappropriate because after all she was "just a friend" so he started inviting her and her H over a lot, we'd go out with them, etc. After she left her H... it was just her. We spent wayyy too much time hanging out with her. I of course got more and more upset and withdrawn, so rather than looking like the "better option" I looked like the sulking, angry, not to mention weak woman. It was really awful and I let it basically destroy my self esteem. I think my 'favorite' moment to talk about from that time period was when H invited her over for dinner and a movie then called me on my way home from work and asked me to make extra food for dinner. We ate... sat on the couch with H on my left, me in the middle (very intentionally!), her on the right - and I kid you not, they started a pillow fight with each other, right over the top of me.
I felt soooo stupid during that whole time. That was roughly Dec. 05 - Nov. 06.
I finally started standing up for myself and refused to be around her as much, told H on a regular basis that I thought that their "friendship" was inappropriate, etc.
The night before our 5th wedding anniversary was the first official bomb. H had been coming home later and later, and often coming home while I was cooking dinner and it was "Oh sorry, I already ate with [OW name] and her roommate." It happened that night, and I lost it. Went up to the park and wrote furiously in a journal for awhile. H called me and begged me to come home. I did, and found him crumpled on the floor in a dark corner staring at the floor. That's when I got... I care about you but I don't love you, I never wanted to get married I just did it becaue it was the "right" thing and the "next step," I decided to leave a year ago but I haven't been able to do it yet, I considered just not coming home when I took that trip to my cousin's last year... etc. etc. etc.
I was crushed, did all the wrong things, you know the drill. I did talk him into MC and surprisingly he opened up in there. Each visit was pretty much a new bomb - but the gist was, he was done, he didn't want to work on anything, he just wanted it over but for us to stay "good friends." I told him that wasn't happening - if he followed through with it I couldn't stay friends with him. The MC talked to him for something like 3 hours one night in his last solo session with her, and eventually he decided to do a "trial separation" rather than pursue a D.
He rented a room from a friend for a couple of months, although he still spent a lot of time with me at home too.
He finally moved back in... I wish I had really thought that one through more, in hindsight. He wasn't ready and I was so excited he was home I didn't handle it right at all.
He broke off the "friendship" with OW for awhile but of course still saw her daily at work. Their "BFF" relationship (barf, again!) started back up again late summer 07. By about August of last year I felt the distance big time and knew he was heading towards separation again... but he didn't officially hit me with that bomb until I pushed it in October.
I was going to be the one to move out that time, but decided to try an "in house" separation first. I decorated a room and made it my "oasis" in the house. I chickened out on ever actually "moving," but I began doing a LOT more GALing, making sure I was busy on Friday/Saturdays especially. I basically considered us separated even though we slept in the same bed. It was a weird time.
Late winter / early spring of this year, he started coming around again... and since May or so things have been steadily getting better. I believe non-work contact with OW stopped in June or so.
Very recently, he told me (and I do believe him) that it never became a PA, but until then I always thought that it probably had. He DOES know that it was a "friendship that went too far" (his words and it was the first time he admitted that there was anything wrong with it).
Even more recently.. rings are on, ILYs are being exchanged somewhat regularly.. lots of good stuff.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
And y'know if you happen to vote for Adriane that'd be kinda cool.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Hopefully I didn't offend anyone... she really is my instructor and I think she's so awesome!! ---
So.. my pup (the 12 yo pup) is doing pretty good but man it's sad thinking she's getting older. I'm soo glad my work's flexible about letting me be with her til she's back to normal.
H and I had a fun discussion tonight and honestly probably our first "debate" in a long time but I think it was GOOD. There was a Discovery channel show on about time travel and we got into a semi-heavy talk about whether it was "facts" or "perception." We were kinda "arguing" for awhile and I finally stopped and said "Wait H - what are you trying to say?"
He told me and I said "I get it now" (which I did) "thanks." Then I gave him my thoughts and said "Can you see where perspective would make a difference?" He got almost annoyed.. but after his shower said he kinda got it.. that his way was facts but he understood how perspective could influence it. So that was cool.
Just wanted to share.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Give "girlie" (I hope that's her name) a belly rub for me. As much as I would LOVE to go to your party..... Being it is a 1.5 + hour drive and the "Awkwardness" it could have I will have to decline. I do hope one of these days we can meet again in a neutral setting like at the races or maybe some event in Sonoma that and introduce our spouses to each other. Just saying we met at work. After all we are working together to make our marriages work Right?? Dr LOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Jak - yep! I know it's a minor subject really, but it was good to "communicate" again instead of just "talk."
Doc - her actual name's Delta but I call her girlie about half the time. She said thanks for the belly rubs!! (well in her own way.. ). No worries on the party, totally understandable. Someday!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
). No worries on the party, totally understandable. Someday!