God give me the patience and the strength...7

[theotherhalf]

short,

I haven't set up my own checking because there isn't enough money to go around. What little that is put aside for the farm (same account but kept seperate in the computer)at least I can fall back on. H really isn't spending any money now except for his living expenses. Well beer and cigs, but would be doing that anyway.

Don't have any joint credit cards. Got rid of them a long time ago. Have opened one on my own. Savings is gone. Some used for bills some stashed (from H) in case of emergency. Never in our 25 yrs have I ever hid anything from him. But in the beginning he scared me so bad as to what he might do, I had no choice. I have done alot of stupid things during this ride but I have still made sure I've taken care of the things that will protect D's and me. Have to.

Thanks for the suggestions though.

[short1]

Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Even though I handled the money stuff all these years, I still missed a few things due to brain freeze. No matter what it is important for us and our children.

hang in there...

[theotherhalf]

Short, I see that you have been at this about as long as I. How are things for you? Any progress?

you too...

[theotherhalf]

Hey all,

Hope things are good for you and yours! Things are okay here. Nothing to exciting to report here on the TOH's homefront. And that's okay.

I thought this morning. Thank God for peace. A year ago things were SOO bad in my world. H was running around in his truck drunk off his ars. Calling all the time ranting and raving. Threatening me or suggesting suicide. In hiding alot. I was an extreme mess too. My kids were pretty much left on their own to deal with it all. Our world had crashed around us and we couldn't stop it or change it.

Things are so much more quiet and peaceful now days. H of course is still gone but we see him alot and he is much like his old self. Still drinks but no where near as before. The girls are doing so much better too, as well as I. We are adjusting to this new life without him sucks as it may. We hate it, we miss him, we are shaking our heads, and still asking why but it is what it is and we are making the best of it.

I have been really working with D17 to get her PMA up. And to figure out a way for her to be able to get it all done and yet have fun. She is a senior. She works. She really blew last year at school so has some catching up to do. With all that has gone on at home, boy and friend troubles, she struggles in school, works alot of hours, grades and small legal trouble, she dropped out of VB but is still a manager, the fear of mom going to prison, Dad leaving her, OW and her girls in hiding, etc... she really has way too much on her plate. I am trying to help her to sort through it, and manage it all. It's tough, sometimes she gets really angry at me but she knows I am only trying to help. And it seems to be working. She seems to be pulling it together every day.

N14 is a freshman in HS. She is a more of a go with the flo kind of girl. Life is all about her so the home life crap really doesn't effect her as much. It really is sad. We saved this girl 7 years ago from going to foster care. Mom lost her to drugs and the system. We got her out, gave her a safe home, and have done the very best for her that we could. To this day she idolizes her mom. Mom is an angel and she resents us for her not being able to live with mom. She lives with us but that is all. She really is not a part of our family. We've all tried so much with her and none of it has mattered. She spends just about every hour of every day in her room. She comes out to eat and shower and that is about it. We've tried to coax, we've tried to force, and now I just let her be. I hate it. But I can't change how she feels. I think she is just getting by, counting the days till she can be free from this "prison" she is in. I have to be honest...I love the child as she was my own but I sometimes find myself counting the days till graduation too.

Don't really know what is going on with H. I try not to think about it and wonder too much. I'd only be guessing anyway. Don't know if OW is still in the picture. I think she is there slightly but I don't think for much longer. My gut feeling only.
He has worked every night 10-6 since last Saturday night. I have talked to him every day for one reason or another. When we've talked on the phone it has been for an hour each time not 10-15 minutes. And I have ended the calls he doesn't anymore. I called him the other night and told him I made fried chicken and he is more than welcome to come for supper. I didn't wait for an answer, I just put it out there and ended the call. Left it totally up to him, like it didn't matter if he did or didn't. He came. He laid on the couch then after till he had to go to work. I left him alone. He was pretty quiet and totally obvious to me and the girls that he felt uncomfortable. D17 said he should. I feel bad for him, but I don't know how to help that. He has stopped every morning after work since Wed. He just comes and sits and talks to me and the girls if they are around for an hour or 2 then goes home to bed. He is so quiet now. Like he is thinking alot. Has been kind of grouchy but the anger isn't there anymore. He will laugh with me when I say something funny, or he'll tell a funny story. There have been no R talks. I haven't asked too much about farming, he did call the neighbor about renting his ground out, so thinking of keeping in it. But the guy turned him down and with prices, weather and all he just may decide to give it up. I'm not pushing. I know he is really struggling with this decision right now. As far as us I've not pushed that either. I am really not leaving him alone as you say but I'm not presuring or really pursuing. I am letting him lead the boat. I am here I guess as his friend. I flirt but don't push. I listen if he talks. I try and keep things on a positive note. I don't question him too much. I give him tiny bits of my opinion like with the farming. He has been sick so I've offered some meds but not been mothering.

As for TOH I am okay. I don't think I've cried in 3 or 4 days. The same ol same ol. I hate this mess. I miss my H, my friend so very much. I hate that he doesn't want to be with me. I hate being alone. But it is what it is and I have to deal with it. It isn't right or fair how my H is treating me and our girls. But in my heart I know it's all he has to give right now. And for me, I guess, what little bits of time I have with him is better than not being with him at all. For today. And that's all I really have is today. At least I feel like I am gaining strength. I am no longer on my knees begging H to come back. I still hope and pray that he will but nothing I do is going to make that happen. I am being the best TOH that I can be and hope that he'll see that. If he doesn't, sad, but his loss. In the last couple of weeks I've gotten alot done around here. Using the unfinished projects to get me off the floor and start living again. Keeping busy not only occupies my time but improves my PMA. Now I need to get past feeling like I have to make sure H knows about my accomplishments and that I feel I need his praise or approval. I need to make my self pride enough.

Enough!!! Sorry this is so long. Just had alot on my mind this morning and it really helps to get it out here. Thanks for listening...

TOH
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!
(((()))))

[theotherhalf]

Morning friends,

I spent Saturday putting up tomatoes. Something new for me. I tried years ago but didn't go over so well. Then never took the time. And time is something I have a lot of now so thought I'd try it. I made 4 pts of pizza sauce, 2 qts of spagetti sauce, and cut up 8 qts to freeze. Everything turned out great and all the jars sealed. Hurray!

Went out with B and B'sGF Sat night. WooHoo. Just went up town and sat around watching everyone drink and act stupid. But it was better than sitting at home by myself. Never talked to H. He stopped in in the morning but then nothing from him the rest of the day or night. He worked.

Sun I made H breakfast. Had some really good "dessert"(he initiated). Spent the rest of the day just dinking around home. Worked on some crafting. Early evening went with boss and his wife to pick apples. So now I have 3-5gal buckets of apples to put up. H called in evening to tell me the movies I gave him to watch were mixed up in the cases. "ok...???" But what ever...we talked a little. I told him too bad he wasn't here or I there, we could have a repeat of this morning. We both just laughed. Said our good nights. He went to work. I to bed.

So I guess it was a pretty good weekend.

How was yours?

[WCW]

I am glad to hear about your good weekend.

You're ready for what is next right?
You know the drill, you know what is coming.
Keep your bubble in the middle, ok?

[theotherhalf]

Geez! I posted back to you WCW. Left the room, came back and it never went through. Now I have to remember what I said...

Ready for H to go back in the tunnel? Ready for me to backslide? For my emotions to fall to the floor again?.

My fear is that one of these times, the bubble is going to break...

Yes WCW, I am ready. I am expecting...with hopes that we won't, but know that we probably will. But I still feel in my gut that each time we reach this point of being friends, of getting along so well, that we are closer to R. Maybe I am so totally wrong, but I "feel" it. Each time we come here, I am stronger. H is more himself. We are closer. H spends more time here and with me. Maybe it's just because he is testing "us", himself, me.

How do I help him get over the fear of going back to the way it was? I have changed, but I don't know if I've changed what needs to change. How can I show him that I don't want to go back there either?

Yes WCW, I am ready. I am pushing forward with baby steps but with full armor on. But I am ME and it will hurt, no changing that...

[theotherhalf]

And yes WCW here we go again...

H stopped this morning. All seemed fine. He was in reg mood. Sort of snippy but okay. We talked and talked. Some how we got on the subject of him and his brother moving to nearby town where he works. I said what about the farm. He had all kinds of answers. I said well we can't do this forever (meaning support 2 households) he agreed, said we'd cross that bridge when we come to it. Talked of some other stuff. Then I had to get to work. So we both left.

I called him on my way to work. I told him I wanted to apologize if I made him feel guilty or put any pressure on him. That I know he is doing what he needs to do for him and I respect him for that. He laughed. I told him don't laugh I am being honest and I mean it. He said okay, thank you. I told him it's just hard and I do miss him. But I'll get used to it. That things will be okay. That I know God has a plan, I just haven't figured out what it is yet. We talked a little more then I ended the call.

So here we go again. We've been spending all this time together. Things seem better than they have been. And yet, H has no intention what so ever in coming home.

I am okay. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm confused. But I am okay. Trying not to analyze or think too much about it. Got some projects to get to work on this week while the weather is good. Hopefully that will "keep the bubble in the middle". LOL

TOH

[WCW]

The good news is that it seems you ARE handling things much better than in the past.
But (and you knew that was coming right) IMO you should stop the R talks. If H wants to talk then listen. Just listen to what he is saying. Absorb it, file it, don't call back and talk more.

What are you doing in the lines of how you will keep your home/farm and family if H does not come back? are you preparing for that outcome? are you getting your ducks in a row? Can you keep the farm and make it cash flow without H to do the manual labor?

How did it turn out with the insurance issue? are you all covered now?

Anything new on the legal front?

I know, a ton of questions. It really has taken me a long time to get to the point of knowing how I would move forward with or without my H. I plug away at in my own little baby steps. Are you making baby steps?

[theotherhalf]

But talking back sometimes keeps him talking...and I have so many questions...my calling back this morning was a way to validate what he had said. Maybe it was in the wrong way but I tried. It really wasn't a R talk. Neither of us said a word about our R. More about him.

If my H does not come back we will either lose this farm or sell it. Plain and simple. There is no way I can pay the house payment or the farm payment without his income. With the cut in pay he took changing jobs it may just come sooner than later too. If H files or does not come home. Eventually I will move. I hate the thought of moving to town but I really have no other option. I guess I've accepted that it has to be.

H brought insurance papers today. He didn't get any details so I don't know how long it will be yet. But at least the papers are filled out. Now if he "remembers" to turn them in tomorrow. And no, we do not have any coverage right now. Holding my breath...

Legal stuff...Haven't heard a d*mb thing. Other than a letter last week stating they were moving the pre lim date back to October 23 instead of the 9th. Just keep delaying and delaying. Still haven't gotten my papers about the deal. Don't know what to think of that. Hoping that no news is good news I guess...

I think so(baby steps)...just don't know where I am heading.

H called tonight to tell me he called about his 401 today. He's saying that he is probably going to leave it with the company it is at and roll it into an IRA. Good choice! I hope he's telling me the truth. But he told me the details so I think so.

I too just keep plugging away...God this sucks!!!!