God give me the patience and the strength...7

[theotherhalf]

last thread ..

I'm okay WCW... been keeping busy. The weekend was fine. I got alot accomplished around here. I fixed a yard fence that has been down for 2+yrs. I started to finish putting up the soffit around our basement entry. I cut sunflowers out of corn field. I cleaned some in the basement. I painted some more in the kitchen. I trimed trees around the yard. And I spent the evenings with my girls, well some of it. D17 of course was gone mostly.

Talked to H a few times but really about nothing. He worked most of the weekend so wasn't around much either.

I did call him the other day. I was pretty ticked at him but kept it in tow and made it come off as more of a joke. I had talked to 2 BIL's and they said H is saying he is selling cows. Later in the day nephew stopped and said that H told him a couple of weeks ago that he was going to rent the farm out next year and quit farming. The more I thought on this the more it upset me. So I called. I asked why everyone knows more about what is going on than me? H said he is doing nothing. That I'll be the first to know if he decides to stop and sell. That it's just talk. I told him I would appreciate it as this is my farm and my life too. I left it at that.

So how was your weekend? Hope all is well with you.

[MidwesternGirl]

He did it to get your goat and you went and called him which is exactly what he wanted you to do. You fell into his little game or trap or whatever you want to call it.

Next time, do not do that. He thinks he can hold this over you and you will react, which you did.

[theotherhalf]

I don't think so MWG, and I think he was ticked that everyone was talking about him. He wanted to know who told me, of course I didn't tell him. Right now it seems to be really bugging him that people "seem" to be checking up on him (they're not) and talking about what he is doing. I can understand that but "duh"!, quite being so stupid and people won't. And he doesn't understand that they care.

When he says this stuff to me, and he does, your right, that is what he is doing. And I usually laugh him off or play along you might say. This was different. He really is throwing these ideas around in his head. MHO (maybe I'm totally crazy) it's like he has awaken, and seen the disaster he has created. He is really spinning right now. His life is a mess, he knows it, and he doesn't know what to do about it. He knows it needs to change, but doesn't know what to do to change it. So he is throwing these ideas out and around.

We really are in the same boat.

[theotherhalf]

MWG, I really am doing a good job at staying out of this part of the mess. It did tick me off when I heard what he had been saying but he did not know that. I just plain asked and didn't react at all and then let it go. Just like his 401K from the old job. He had talked about cashing it in. STUPID!! But I said nothing. Other than "maybe you should check into an IRA so you don't have to give the government so much of it". Then I let it go. Now he is saying he's going to roll it over. I say nothing.

The only advice I've given him on the farm is to not give up on himself and all he's dreamed of. And I've asked him to not keep me in the dark, to let me know what's going on because this affects my life too. Otherwise I stay out of it. These are his decisions to make.

[a new 2moro]

they lie...they cheat...they spend...
pick your order...

funny how you ignored GG, Creed, MWG and me when we all spoke what you dont want to hear, but answered WCW. we have all tried everything from gentle reminders to 2 x 4's nothing works. we all try becos we all have been thru it and we care and we have found out what doesnt work 1st hand. you appear to be very unhealthy emotionally. that is not attractive to your H. I wish along with everyone else we could reach you....

why "play" along just remove yourself from his drama. i wouldnt be talking to him a bout your future or the fsrm i would be asking a L about your rights.....he is not looking out for you. have you seen a good D lawyer yet?

[theotherhalf]

I didn't ignore an2m. I cried when I read the posts, there were so many good points. I didn't have time to post back. When I got on here again my thread was locked. So I started a new one.

"they lie...they cheat...they spend..."

although it is very true that MLC'rs follow a script, there is exceptions...

this has been going on for 1 1/2 yrs. My H still shares the checking account with me. He doesn't have any other accounts. His paycheck is deposited into that account every week. For the first 6-8 months he spent alot on camping and running around with OW. Not sure on what or how much. He would sell hay and stuff then pocket that cash. But that quit a long time ago. He went and bought the Harley but only after his truck was paid for and the bikes payment is only half what the trucks was.

Him living in another house is really strapping us. Changing jobs is crunching things even more so. He took a $7 pay cut. But these are things he believes he needs to do for "him". I can't change those things. He ignores me when I tell him there is not enough money to pay the bills. He still has the attitude that it is what it is and we have to deal with it. But for the most part he is being pretty responsible with money.

And an2m, I have seen 3 D L's. They all say the same. Keep track of everything. I do. There is nothing else I can do until one of us files.

[theotherhalf]

sad but we cant help you til you want to help yourself you really seem to relish the victim role.

Your wrong...I hate it...it's not who I am, it's where I am. And I am working on myself everyday

then try something different....what have you got to loose? nothing, its already as bad as it gets. has your approach really worked???? im no rocket scientist but your H seems as stuck as he was over a year ago

big difference...your not here to see. As bad as it is, we still are connected. and sorry but I cannot ignore the fact that the many on here that tell us to leave them alone, to go dark, to let them go completely. Are now divorced. Sorry, I do not want that. Maybe my H has not come home, don't want him to right now, but we are still not D and are slowly becoming friends again...

and you TOH well are you happy with this approach?

of course not! but I cannot change reality.

has it really gained your H back

in small ways, yes

are you really truely happy with yourself????

No I'm not happy. This sucks! But I'm proud of myself because regardless of what everyone thinks, I have faith in my H and in our M. I'm not giving up.

Is this the limbo you want? a H who wont commit but will give a day here a weekend and some sex there....

No, but it's what it is "FOR NOW" and all he is capable of giving right now. It's better than nothing at all and believe me when I say...I won't settle for just this forever. There will come a time, that I will be done. Just not today.

its sad you have made your life so dependent on another person.

Not dependent. I wish you could come spend some time with me. I call it "devoted".

and this is what keeps him away because you are so desperate and needy for him to complete your life

.
I am not desperate nor needy. Pathetic, yes and hate it when I lose my composure. I don't need him to complete my life. I "want" him to "share" it with me.

His life is in so much turmoil right now, he cant take care of his own emotional upheaval(thats why the OW) he cant possibly imagine meeting your needs...so he runs.

True! THAT is what keeps him away, not anything I am doing or not doing.
Quote:

Why H doesn't want to be with me anymore
you have your answer, you just refuse to see it.

No...really I don't.

Quote:
an2m Yes I am and proud of myself too!!)

Life is sucking pretty bad for me right now


less than 24 hrs between those 2 posts. have you thought about meds? your ups are too up and your downs too down....

Just because my life sucks, doesnt mean I can't be proud of how I am handling things. I have to find some positives in things or it really would bring me down.

YOU have made your life revolve around HIM and you are spinning worse than he is.

True MWG, hard for me not to.

you really do need to let go of him, leave him the heck alone and let him do what he wants to do because no matter what you say, he will do what he wants anyways.

True again, and for the most part I am. As I've said before. I just have a terrible time accepting and letting him be with another woman. We are not D. The rest of what he is doing is his business and I leave him alone completly.

You must detach because it is not making you a very healthy person.
Get yourself in order first and then take care of those kids.

Working on that every moment of every day.

You must do things for yourself

I do, and I do not ask H for anything unless I absolutely have to.

do not drive by or check up on him.

I don't anymore. But when i thing he is with OW, I can't stop myself. It's like I HAVE to know.

If he comes over, you don't have to go out there at all times.

I don't unless he asks. This is a tough one too. Before MLC I left him alone to do alot of the work. I should have been there more to help him. I guess this is one of the changes I have made. Now, I want more than anything to be apart of it all. To learn how to do the things I never did. To be share the load.
So everytime he is here, it's like I'm torn 50/50 in what to do.

Just leave him alone. Maybe he is acting this way because of the way you have been acting.

I don't think so...some it yes...but mostly because MLC has hit my H hard

If he sees you can have a life of your own and can be somewhat independent maybe he will notice.

Notice yes, but does it matter, dont think so.

Do not expect any changes in him for awhile.

I am not expecting...I am seeing them everyday. But there is still a LONG LONG way to go.

Someone can't be helped, unless they want to help themselves.

I believe this 100%. I wouldn't be on this board if I didn't want your help. I wouldn't be going to counceling. I wouldn't be reading the books. I wouldn't be changing my ways. But I am my own person and I am not going to do everything that everyone tells me to do. Sorry, not me.

Do you want sympathy or support?

Absolutely your support, understanding, and advice. That's why I am here.

You've made this all so much about YOU, and what YOU need and want

Isn't that what you all say to do with our lives? But on the same hand if my life was all about Me and what I want, why in the hell would I be still M to a man that is sleeping with another woman and living another life? I sure wouldn't be giving a damb what he is going through or why. Wouldn't I have let him go a long time ago, filed for D and took him for all I could?

that you've pushed the possibility of working on a reconcilation almost to zero.

I so pray that your wrong, but also realize that you may be right.

Your H is NOT the same person as he was before,

Yes, your so right.

yet you continue to expect him to re-act/feel the same.

Sometimes yes...but alot of times I pray that he'll see differently. That he'll one day see what the real problems are and want to deal with them the right way.

The marriage you had before the bomb is dead and gone. Sure, the memories and family you share are still there, but you need to realize that what worked before, no longer works now.

True. Now I have to find what those things are just like he does. That will take time, trial, and error

You HAVE to start looking within yourself for your strength and happiness. You cannot expect your H to do this for you. Do not look at him for support/praise. Learn to find those things within yourself and others. If he praises you along the way, great. But don't make him the sole source of your everyday life. Do not do things only because you think that is what he might want to see/hear from you.

This is a biggy for me. One that I am so guilty of. Trying to find my way to being that person.

Your next words are a God send, so valuable and I thank you...I needed those.

TOH everyone here has given you good advice, but you seem to not want it.

I do want it. I just have to go this my own way. Right wrong or indifferent.

Only you can make changes for your situation.

Exactly

You do remind me of myself though. I do remember being stuck like you were over a year ago. The difference is I started to make changes for myself. I realized my h was gone and nothing was going to bring him back.

I do realize he's gone. I know that I can do nothing to bring him back. But I don't believe that he won't.

My h wasn't around to be included in on my life nor did he want to be around me.

Mine is, his choice, why, I don't know. That's for him to decide.
And him being around so much really makes things tuff for me.

My h would always say to me there is nothing to come home to. I don't want to be around you. Those words hurt, but I had to look deep at who I was and how I was projecting myself around my h. I realized he was right I was pushing him away rather than drawing him in. He was being suffocated by my questioning and my negative attitude around him.

Mine too, and me too. So really concentrating on making changes in me. He doesn't not see me cry. Rarely do I tell him how I am feeling. He mostly sees me happy and carrying on just fine.

After months of changes my h is progressing in a small way. He is not home, but I am encouraged that one day he may find his way home.

Ask yourself TOH, who you are today is that someone your h would like to spend the rest of his life with?

I do, and yes I think so, and I don't get why he doesn't or why on earth he would want to be with OW. And why on earth he would ever want to walk away from all that he has ever dreamed of or held dear.

You can be kind, loving, supportive, encouraging from a distance

I am...just with some down falls.

and then wait on God and see what changes he may bring about in you and your h.

this is the hard part.

[Bworl]

Well answered TOH.

I think all of us respond to posts because we care about the pain and hurt we see others going through.

Something in their writing resonates in us. We feel a commonality with their situation. If we are further along in our own journey, we try to share from OUR experiences, hoping to save the person we are writing to any more pain than they must necessarily go through.

We all have to be reminded that THEIR situation is NOT OUR situation.

We all have to be reminded that when a person does NOT take our advice, it doesn't mean they are ignoring us.

Many of us have to do a much better job at not becoming so frustrated with others on the board.

Life has taught me that most of us have the need to both make our mistakes and claim our own victories. The advice of others helps us to chart our course, but any independent human being insists on the right to make their own decisions on how best to proceed. It's not a slap in the face to those who have offered advice.

I know that there are probably many things that people suggested to me that I did not implement in my situation. But every word that was written to me was pondered, chewed on, and digested. Each of those words contributed in some way to the decisions I later made in handling my situation.

We're in this to offer a listening ear and, when requested, advice. We cannot tie our participation in each others lives to whether or not the person accepts our advice as what they should do.

We try our best to do what is right given the circumstances we find ourselves in. Your comment about how we are so often told to do what is best for ourselves, then criticize those who are doing just that really resonated with me.

I see things that I think you should do differently. I still believe that you allow your husband too much influence in your life given the behavior that he has displayed. But I am not there. I do not see all the moments in between.

Rather than condemn each other (and I am writing to myself as much as anyone here), we need to support one another. When we feel someone has made a fundamental boo boo, we should do our best to help them to see the mistake and consider changes.

Sometimes a whack with the 2x4 is called for.

But they also get swung a bit indiscriminantly sometimes.


Blessings,

Bill

[theotherhalf]

Well answered TOH.

WOW! Thank you so much Bill. You really are a special guy. And thank you for understanding.

but any independent human being insists on the right to make their own decisions on how best to proceed.

independent not dependent or needy

It's not a slap in the face to those who have offered advice

Exactly!

But every word that was written to me was pondered, chewed on, and digested. Each of those words contributed in some way to the decisions I later made in handling my situation.

Exactly again!

I still believe that you allow your husband too much influence in your life given the behavior that he has displayed.

I believe this as well. I know it. But at this moment I don't know what to do to change it and continue on this path of a hopeful R.

But I am not there. I do not see all the moments in between

Right. And there is not enough hours in the days to post all that is going on. And what I put here is most of the negs that I don't know how to deal with or that i need advice on or someone to vent to. My H is still a mess. That I cannot or will not deny. But he has changed so so much since the beginning. And those changes are all positives.

Sometimes a whack with the 2x4 is called for

and I deserve them, and try to take them with dignity and learn from my mistakes. I am just slower than some, not easily pursuade, not convinced that the dear people on this board are always right. I know what has worked for some, may not work for us.

Thank you again Bill, and blessings to you as well,
TOH

[MidwesternGirl]

TOH:

MY post was never to tell you your husband cheats, lies, etc. Mine was to say, he is most likely telling people things because he knows he can get a reaction out of you and it did.

As for the money account--nothing wrong with giving him info. that he may/may not have known.

Sometimes people come across in a different way and then you have to step back and realize that they have been hurt really bad, some worse than others.