The nagging thoughts are so natural. It is a defense mechanism that you built up in the crisis. Now that the crisis is passed, it is hard to let go of the reaction. He will prove himself to you again. Give him time. Even months after the end of my husband's affair and after Retro, I still had nightmares that he was seeing her. They upset me enough that I told him about them. He reassured me that it was only in my dreams. And I believe him. It will go away, but it takes time. Act as if....
Good point Sara. BobbiJo, do you feel comfortable telling your H about your worries when he is away? It sounds like he is doing well in trying to be accountable to you.
You son sounds so cute in thinking a romantic hot tub at Niagra would be good for his mommy and daddy.
I agree with Sara, it's going to take time to come to terms with yourself and as Kerry said H is going to continue to prove himself to you and each time the trust with gain and the fleeting thoughts will be just that until a point comes when you don't even question it. Slow and steady is the path, you guys are doing good on the communication front and as time goes on things will begin to mesh more and more, just have faith in each other...
Thanks guys. Hit another speed bump yesterday but I plowed straight through it...
H and I had a bit of an argument after church, he got mad when I thought there was no reason to....we were walking out into the church parking lot, it is the church where we got married, and where his parents attend. We hadn't been to that church since Christmas (we have been going somewhere else since we moved back). Several people stopped me b/c my picture had been in the paper (SMALL town!) for being a new teacher. I was talking to 2 people at the same time, H piped in and asked if I wanted to go eat w/his mom and dad. I was trying to answer the other 2 people asking about my job. By the time they walked away, H's parents had driven off.
H said he told them we were just going home. I said, "I wish you had waited for my answer, I am hungry and would have wanted to go eat". H gets all huffy and calls them immediately and says we will meet them in town for lunch (the church is out in the country 10 min from town). Then H says he is tired of being w/his parents, we were there last night for supper and he was going back out to check cows....I said then you should have said that--he says, "I did, I told them no, then you said you wanted to go"...
It was one of those dumb things, he said I NEVER listen to him, I said "I dont like words like Always/Never".
From out of nowhere S6 pipes in:
OH no. Here we go again.
I felt sick, H looked upset. S continues,
This is just like in Kansas City when we couldn't live together anymore.
I looked away, I was crying. H said, "Buddy we live in Iowa now. We always will. You will go to school here all the days until you graduate, ok?"
Anyway we both felt like crap, as soon as we disagreed S thought we were splitting up again.
Later when we talked H said he feels he can't ever critcize me, offer opinions, disagree, etc. b/c I say that means he doesn't accept me. I said that it is a chicken/egg thing. Because I want him to say, "I am here now and forever. We are going to be married always, I am not going anywhere". THEN I will feel "safe" with him criticizing me or whatever. B/C at this point I still feel like each time he does, he is creating a list of reasons to leave again. He has not said "I am here no matter what", and I want that from him.
Conversely, H feels like he cannot commit to forever IF I am going to get bent out of shape every time he makes any negative type of comment. So I guess we each want the other to make the move we want them to make first...
Ironically (or not) H chose our dialogue topic last night. It was "What stands in the way of my committing myself 100% to a future with you? How do I feel about my answer?"
We are continuing to push through the obstacles and work on our marriage....
Last night's dialogue topic was "How do I show my love for you daily? How do I feel about that?"
I said I was satisfied w/how I show my love for H, like a bird who is cozy in the nest he has made, or like when you look at the house after spending all day cleaning and know it was worth the energy it took to make it look so nice...
H said he was "tormented" by his answer. Like getting hit with rocks, or being a high school kid torn between going with his friends drinking and going home. The kid knew what was right, but he found himself struggling to make the right choice.
I initially internalized it to mean that he was trying to show love for me b/c it was the "right thing to do", not because he wanted to...so I was feeling a little crappy about that.
But I asked H for clarification so I could understand his feelings instead of jumping to conclusions. He said it was more like the days he comes home from work frustrated b/c he had so much he knew he needed to get done, but wasn't able to do it all, or just DIDN'T do it for some reason.
So it seems his torment, in his words, is more that "I know what you need/want me to do to show you love, but often at the end of the day I know I haven't done those things even though I know that you would like me to, so I am frustrated with myself".
Then I had a nightmare last night that I was on the phone with Jeff (Virtually Handsome)--which is weird b/c i haven't ever called anyone from these boards. Anyway I was talking to Jeff on the cell phone in the car and H got into the car with me, it was like we had stopped somewhere for an errand and I was talking to Jeff while H was out of the car. I kept talking to Jeff for a minute after H got back in the car, so he knew I was talking to him.
Then it flashed to me and H laying in bed and he pulls out his phone and calls OW. In the dream it was like it happened the instant I hung up from talking to Jeff, hard to explain.....anyway so H is on the phone w/OW and I hear her asking him when he is buying her the diamond ring he promised her so they could get married...I grabbed the phone away and told her that H and I were in bed together and she needed to leave us alone. She said we were messed up if we were still together even though SHE was still w/H...
I hung up the phone (in the dream) and asked H why he called her. He said b/c I called Jeff. Then I asked about the ring and he said he HAD promised her a ring and was still talking to her even though he was living with me, as a family....I realized we were OVER this time as I couldn't do it all over again...
THEN I WOKE UP. I just rolled up against H, and said, "I had a bad dream, can you hold me?" So he did. I said, "Tell me you love me", and he did. I never told him what the dream was about.........
Those nightmares happen. I had them too. It's your brain working on making the change. It is stuck in the past. That doesn't mean that the past is the present. Your subconscious mind will catch up.
I am impressed by how "this" happens. It's like every little piece needs to be picked up from the floor, cleaned and CAREFULLY placed to its position... WOW!! BBJ, it does sound hard but it also sounds... creative. You are putting your life back together, slowly, with effort and you are both still confused, sound like you are "lost", trying to find your way but with very clear picture of where you want to go. Amazing. I hope my English make sense... I am happy for you. Love S(is)
I just wanted to let you know that I'm still around. Still checking up on you. Still very proud of how you are doing. I was thinking back to a long while ago with all of us new on here. I remember reading your first posts and worrying about how you were doing. Now I read about how maturely you are handling this and how much you are working on making your marriage work. And I'm impressed. I just wanted you to know that. I felt that I had to tell you.
Thank you! I think of you every day, you know, Woog.
My H is in Boise again today and tomorrow. I saw that Idaho has been HOT for this time of year...
I actually talked to H about you last week. For some reason the longer we are "piecing" the more I casually mention my "friends" to him, don't know if I should or shouldn't....
Your words mean a lot to me big brother. Do you still post? I can't find you......
