It was not as she expected. The Offense Petition was adjourned until 11/10. My lawyer will be making motion to dismiss. The Court also refused her atty's request for an order of protection. Lastly, the Court appt. a law guardian for the kids. who is an older man in his 50's. It remains to be seen how he will evaluate the case....but it certainly was not a younger woman that my W was looking for. Overall, I successfully dodged all bullets.
My wife was upset that nothing substantial happened yesterday. Actually, it was to her negative as I am essentially reamining in the house and a LG will be meeting with the children, The truth will be more than satisfactory. She is concerned that I am going to seek sole custody.
She was also upset that it appeared we had an advantage due to me being an atty, my lawyers relationships at the Court as well as my mom's relationships (he is a retired divorce atty after 30 years). Maybe so, but the first attempt by her was certainly deflected nicely.
I have the children all weekend. I came home to a house that was utter mess. The water delever from Poland Springs was still in the driveway, the groceries that she bought the day before was still in the bags in the middle of the garage, the garbage in the house was not collected nor were the pails moved to the curb, the toilet in the children's bathroom was disgustiting and had to be cleaned and the garage is still a mess for over 6 weeks from the children's stuff from camp. (the LR and kitchen as well as the kids room have things strewn all over the place). My wife is certainly not focused on family and home.
I gave them baths and got them to bed. I also cleaned up all the stuff above. More importnatly, my W texted me that she was not coming home. I do not care that she goes out and has fun as this is my weeked, but the kids are still young and I did not want to stay in the marital bedroom eventhough she was not coming home. Well.... my 4 year old got up in the middle of the night and freaked out looking for her as did my 7 year old. I came up from the basement and it took an hour to calm them down. They stayed with me for the rest of the night. I woill discuss with her me staying in the bedroom when she is out for the night.,...
She has the right to stay out and do what she wants, but I think due to the current situation and stresses at home, she used poor judgment. I have had the same opportunity to stay out at night, but always have come home. I want to be there in the AM when they wake up looking for me. I know it wont be forever once we finally relocate, but in the meantime and during this critical juncture, I really want to be there for the kids. My W is also going alway in two weeks to VA to supposedly visist her aunt and uncle. The OM is from NC and is a few hours away. Again, bad choice on her part. (I have my nephew's Bar Mitzvah that weekend and have family coming in. My wife is uncomfortable around them.)
I am having those feeling of missing my W--which I try to put out of mind. Its hard as I keep thinking about what I could have done differenty to save the amrriage. After contemplation as well as conversations with a couple of close friends, it appears nothing I would have done or could do, would have changed the result.
I have passed Stage one and detached. I am trying to maintain a coordial relationship with W, but she is always angry, defensive and trying bait me to get upset. She is concerned that she will lose primary custody of the kids. My lawyer discussed our future and I asserted that the house must be sold. We can each take the money and go our separate ways. I could afford to get a new more modest home in Town. My wife will have extreme difficulty as he must buy a small place if possible, or rent. In either event, its agood possibility that the kids would remain with me. My W wants to move the kids to a more inexpensive locale out of state. (NC??) I vetoed that immediately. We are at an impasse at this point.
I will now be super dad this weekend. Looking foward to it, but I am exhausted after working a 80 hour work week as well as dealing with all the other familial pressures. The only thing keeping me going is the kids and the fact that I am still running daily.....23 lbs lost and counting. I have GAL, my job move positively and focusing on kids.
I do not know what next week will bring, but i hope for less pain and a direction for the family. I hand dreams of my W last night that were uncomfortable. I do not know how reconcilliation would ever work, nor would I even want to consider it after the recent events.
So, how did your w/e with the kids go? It does sound like you are a great dad and putting your kids best interest first is always the way to go. Too bad your wife doesn't think so.
The messy house, things left undone - those things often happen to busy people who work and have young children (I've let things go before too) but it is also a sign of depression. Her priorities are clearly screwed up but not much you can do - it is all out of your control.
Selling your home and buying one less expensive is the not the worst thing. It happened to me and it was the one thing I fought hard not to do. Now that it was done (3 years ago), I can say it was all for the best. The children can adjust to it - kids move all the time as long as they know they will have their own space, input on decor etc.
I lost 40 lbs in the first 3 months after ex left. Enjoy this time - I managed to gain a lot of it back. I called it the Heartbreak Diet. No, this is NOT what you want. But we can't control what they do, we can only control ourselves.
Stay focussed, try to live just one day at a time - that is all we really have to do. Come here to vent. We are listening.
Bethie sent me over to your thread and she wants you to know that she sends her good wishes to you.
I think the only good thing about divorce is the divorce diet that gets us back to our skinny clothes so effortlessly.
I agree with Barb that depression might cause uncleanliness but certainly have no idea in yoor W's case. I applaud you for living in the house with the kids and know is must be very hard for you.
Two things from you post stood out to me:
Quote:
I am having those feeling of missing my W--which I try to put out of mind. Its hard as I keep thinking about what I could have done differenty to save the amrriage. After contemplation as well as conversations with a couple of close friends, it appears nothing I would have done or could do, would have changed the result.
That shows progress. When we stop beating ourselves up over something we have little or no control over, we can then start looking at what we need to do for our kids and ourselves. Takes a while to get there though.
Quote:
I do not know how reconcilliation would ever work, nor would I even want to consider it after the recent events.
It seems to me that you are being very level-headed right now and your thread may need to be renamed soon.
Hi Robert just popped over to see how you were doing but I see the cavalry already hit your thread, so I,ll just say you got great advice. and some of us take a little longer to get the chewing gum off our shoes but we all get to a better place eventually. and Good luck.
The weekend was great. We went pumkin picking and to a farm on Saturday. We also went to movies on Sunday and barbqued with my sister and cousins. (We were never allowed to go to my sister as my wife always created controversy.)
My wife never came home on Friday night. She popped in Saturday afternoon but left again and did not come home until 130AM. My kids missed her and wondered where she was. POor judgemnt on her part.
Now--on Monday--she spoke with me about reaching some sort of resolution to the divorce. She is having money difficulties, and wants this done quickly. She is open to selling the house, but where the kids will go is still undecided. She knows that I could purchase a new home in town and the kids could stay with me.
She wants residential custody--not for the kids sake, just because she would then have me pay support. She is soo self centered and full of herself. I can not leave her with the kids without keeping an eye on things. I am doing my best to hold my ground, but she baiting me and yelling at every turn. I fear for my children and want them to be protected in the worse way. That is what fuels me to go on.
I had the strange thought that she was maybe turning he corner. She said I have changed, but I know she never will be able to love me like I want to be loved. She is incapable of expressing her feelings. As my DB coach said, she is like a young kid that is being oppositional and wants her own way. My wife is immature and unsophisticated. I can't believe I never realized that before.
Her dad even called me to try to resolve the issues with the divorce. I initially was going to meet him, but thought better of it. I am letting my lawyer handle this and arrive at a resolution.
i am now home--waiting for my children to arrive. Then I will go out and meet a friend or two. I do not like being her when my wife is around. She is desperate and dangerous.
Yom Kippur is coming up soon. I can't wait for it to be over as next week she leaves for 5 days to visit family in VA. Its close to her summer OM who is from NC. I hope she falls in love and stays.
I am still scared and uncertain. I hope things keep improving as my back hurts on the couch and I am tired of coming come to possible conflict every evening.
I was in your shoes 7 years ago. I too, was scared and uncertain. But I'm a living testament that it WILL get better. My H moved out as soon as I learned of the affair. I had several friends who stayed together but slept apart. I think that it was much harder for them. I know how to walk on eggshells but 24/7 is extremely stressful.
I think you were right not to meet with her dad. Although he has been your FIL, I think he will try to do best by her no matter what. Too emotional. Your L is the one to best advise you. To be honest - it is most likely you will have shared custody. If both of you want the kids (regardless of how you perceive her intention) - the judge would likely rule for a split unless one of you were proven to be an unfit parent. Which I doubt.
The pumpkin farm, movies and visit to your sisters were all great activities for all of you. The kids are hurting badly no doubt. Finding ways to spent quality time with them will take the focus off all the crap you are going through.
Rob - read the threads of some of us who have been here for a while. You might be surprised. Although we thought at the time that our world had ended, strangely, we are a pretty happy bunch. We all have busy lives and don't sit home moping. We worked to make things good for ourselves and our kids. And I can honestly say - I wouldn't want my old life back or the world.
My BF told me Yom Kippur is this Thurs. His sister is flying in from Philly that day as the kids have it off. It is our Canadian Thanksgiving so there will be a big gathering. And I will be invited to this new family. People who are warm and wonderful. People I would never have met if my Ex hadn't run off with a maggot.
my wife is getting upset as the the litigation costs are very expensive. She thought this would be simnple and easy and that I would fold. That has not happened ..as i will not sacrifice my children nor myself to her whims and illogical demands.
I cover all the household expenses and give her money every week for food and cloths for the children. she runs out of money regularly and is obviously a poor money manager. She was being pleasant to me last night for only one reason...to get more money from me or to be sympathetic to her current condition. Not happening.
She is a wise guy. i have the children on Sunday and was going to take the three of them out to breakfast with my folks--who are leaving to go to Florida in 10 days. Mt wife set up sleepovers to cause confusion in which now we couldn't go out for breakfast. after my initial annoyance, I worked it out where I will make a big breakfast for everyone including my children's friends and for even one of the moms. I am trying to handle these issues on the fly....and doing the best i can. it is soo frustrating.
On an interesting note, my wife's father has called me and most recently my mom to try to resolve the issues between us. He said it was getting expensive and we should try to work it out without the lawyers. My mom and i respectfully declined his offer as we do not want to undermine our counsel and possibly cause more harm than good. Her dad end the conversation that he was upset all of this happened, he loves me and wished it never occurred in the first place. i don't take too much stock in what he is saying, but it is unusual. (I think he realizes that his own daughter may be losing it)
i am trying to stay calm and measured during this process. My lawyer did reach out to her attorney Tuesday Am to see if we could commence discussions with the result to resolve some critical issues. as of today, to the best of my knowledge, there has been no response. we will wait until Tuesday before reaching out a second time.
my wife still planning to go to VA this week supposedly to visit her relatives. As stated previously, i think she is going to see her summer OM. i hope she finds love and decides to never come back) Even though that is a=n extremely remote possibility, I think its a poor parenting decision especially during this critical juncture for the children (She wanted to get out of town while my family was in for a Bar mitzvah) I am sure the the Law guardian will find it interesting.
Finishing up work in office and heading out to visit my sister. Still working on GAL, doing fine. i am trying to be respectful to wife, but she is too angry and frustrated. The more i am nice, the more upset she gets...kinda cool. finished stage 1, on to 2.... but wife not even interested in establishing a cordial relationship while litigation continues. I must be strong and keep up the fight.
Met with my lawyer yesterday... even though I am an attorney, I am still learning some uncomfortable information. It will be tough to have the house sold as the the costs to maintain it are high-- but the fixed expenses are low--such as taxes and utilities. There is no mortgaage, and the fact that it would not be cheaper to leave elsewhere... I will have to revisit that issue with more detail if my wife insists to remain in the house and I will be destroyed financially. Even if I pay child support and some maintainence, the lifestyles of the children will change dramatically if i am to have to set up home elsewhere. It is unfair that I who did not want the divorce et al, will have to take the biggest hit here. I have to move from home, not have residential custody of the children, and my wife will have everything paid for. The only solace is that she have to go to work one way or another and will no longer have unlimited financial resources from me. Her party started, but won't be able to last.
I am also deciding whether or not me seeking residential custody is something that is personally and financially feasible. I do feel that I am the better parent and the children will be more well adjusted under my regular care. Despite my wife's many faults, unless I could show that she is unfit in some fashion--namely mental issues or driugs, despite her possible infedelity, it is very difficult to get residential custody from a stay home mother.
I could fight her and possibly win--but I would also have to assume not only my attorney fees, but more than likely hers as well. Also, in the background is the fact that I just statred the department at my firm earlier this year. I am not afraid of the challenge and have the utmost confidence of my success. Nevertheless, I must think of the best interests of the children...as if I am unable to succeed, they will be suffering financially. I know it will be my sole responsibility to care for them in that fashion no matter where they live. I want them to have as much as possible and have a normal and happy life.
I am meeting with a special psychologist recommended by my attorney to discuss this further. I am definitely prepared to meet all challenges--especially if my wife is unable to step up either now or posibly sometime in the future.
She is going to visit her Aunt and Uncle in Virginia this weekend. I still think she has other ulterior motives--namely meet up with her OM from North Carolina. She still denies it, but she has lied in so many occasions already, I believe nothing. She is making a poor parenting decision leaving the children during this specific time during this divorce.
I was also saddened to learn that she sold her engagement and wedding ring. I think she needed to pay her lawyer. It was very special, but I guess no more. I think she got ripped off from the person that she sold it to.
Reconilliation is over and never going to occur. At least from my perspective as I can never see us being together ever again. Trust is completely gone as is love from her to me. My love to her is pretty much over--as she hurt me too much and I could never forgive her nor even consider the fact that I would ever want more than a cordial relationship in the future. That will be my goal ===to at least have a amicable realtionship for the children's benefit only.
Well.. I waiting today for her settlement proposal. Lets see if we could work something out. If not, then we have to drag this out further.
IT really hurts thats someone that has essentially done very little can get sooo much. She was the one that wanted out of the marriage, had a OM and was trying to get me thrown out and destroyed---yet she gets the house, kids, and I have to pay for all of it. Well...no one said life is fair.
I could fight and possibly win...but at what cost?? My children??, more money lost?? What do I have to prove?? The marriage sucked as did she. She was never a real wife to me. Even though I do get sad, i can't help thinking about how miserable I really was over the years. How much hurt and pain she caused...and the the anger and rejection I felt from her.
I can't believe that actually thought about the possibility of reconciling. She would have hurt me again. Thank god my parents and best friends talked some sense into me. i was thinking out of fear and hurt..rather than good sense. She would never change and i could only be hurt further in the end. Its time to move on and have a real life.
Its soo scary and frightening to be alone now. I know it wont last forever..but now it hurts. I love my children intensely..and the thought of not being with them every night makes me cry. Yet...how can I continue living a life with someone who is soo selfish and uncaring and absolutely a user and abuser. I guess when i finally said no...and wouldn't continue being abused..she realized the free ride was over. At that point she plotted her attack.
It was good and she will get much. The solace i have is that I will be free and ready to move on without her. I am 40--and hopefully will have many more years ahead of me making a new life. I DO KNOW THAT VERY SHORTLY, MY CHILDREN WILL COME AND LIVE WITH ME. My wife does not know how to love or be loved. it is quite obvious. The only reason why she wanted the kids is to get the money. Not out of love. Again, unfair...but i do honestly believe it is temporary. I love unconditionally. The children will see that and want it..I will continue giving it and hope that one day, my wishes come true.
I'm crying now as I finally have seen where this is all going. Even though I may have secretly wished to be free for years from her, I never actually thought that day would come. I am not now crying for her, but for the fact that I will have a chance at a new life. I guess it will be coming up shortly that I must changing the name of the stitch and start a new one.
DB was good for me as I gave me the chance to detach. Its soo much harder than you think. It also taught me to get a life. Build something new. Unfortunately, it was too late for my relationship, if i ever really had one. My wife has not grown up and I doubt ever will. I do hope she doesn't get hurt as she is very naive and tries to be conniving and cute. She will run into some mean and nasty people that will not be so forgiving as I. Maybe one day she will regret it.........
