You know if you think that you can do this and communicate with her in a calm and cordial manner then by all means talk to her about whatever it is that she wants to work out. If she is the least bit abusive or volatile, say it through your lawyer. What you don't want is for her to get crazy (or crazier) and use that against you later.
You know all of this junk that she's throwing at you is all very normal. She wants you to share in the blame and even better get you to question how much you really tried. The thing with her not wanting to deal with the house or even the kids is because she has been checked out for a very longtime. I'm sure with everything you had on your plate, and because of the way they conceal their disatisfaction, you probably couldn't have known how bad it really was.
The problem you face now is that no matter what you do, you can't win, she won't let you. When they get this far they are determined that nothing will ruin their plan. It really has very little to do with you except for the fact that you are in her way.
Chin up....it takes a while but it does get better!
I actually avaoided a confrontation tonight and walked away when she wanted to have a discussion. Its a little step...but I have to start someplace.
You are right, I blame myself for alot....but I did not realize how bad it really was. I tried to help her, but I think she has been gone for so long, no matter what I did, it wouldn't have helped.
I will need to let her figure thngs out on her own and force her to handle life by herself. I enabled her for a long time and tried to do what was right. Unfortunately, she relied on me too much which then then would become to resent. After a certain point, she felt she had no choice but to leave. Of course it was her choice.....and now she must deal with the consequences.
I will continue to focus on me and the kids. I keep hoping for a better day tomorrow. I am trying to keep busy and do things everyday to keep my mind occupied. Its tough....but I have no choice.
Love that song!! Thanks for the guidance and kind words.
I actually avaoided a confrontation tonight and walked away when she wanted to have a discussion. Its a little step...but I have to start someplace.
Well maybe it's not so little a step depending where you are in your journey. The thing is that by doing this you really made things easier on yourself and stopped her from draggin you into her drama.
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You are right, I blame myself for alot....but I did not realize how bad it really was. I tried to help her, but I think she has been gone for so long, no matter what I did, it wouldn't have helped.
Gosh, I only said that you blame yourself because in the beginning we all buy into their propaganda and believe that if we had done something or other differently that this wouldn't have happened. Well guess what? That's not true either. This was never about us, not really. You're right though, they are gone emotionally a longtime before we ever know anything. That's why it's so much easier for them to build that wall so high while we're still so raw.
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I will need to let her figure thngs out on her own and force her to handle life by herself. I enabled her for a long time and tried to do what was right. Unfortunately, she relied on me too much which then then would become to resent.
I remember reading that we all go into our marriages on an even plain. Jobs soon become designated as well as the role that we play in the marriage. Sometime our roles are not what we would have picked for ourselves but we take them because 1 of us has to and maybe it's even expected.
Have you read, "Co-dependent No More"? I did and up until then I hadn't even realized that I was one!
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After a certain point, she felt she had no choice but to leave. Of course it was her choice.....and now she must deal with the consequences.
See this is what I no longer buy. We all have a choice. Some of us choose to face the problem and some of us choose to run, and yes, there are consequence to running!
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I will continue to focus on me and the kids. I keep hoping for a better day tomorrow. I am trying to keep busy and do things everyday to keep my mind occupied. Its tough....but I have no choice.
Yes keeping busy is a God send. As long as I was busy, and my mind was occupied, I was probably as close to feeling some peace as you can feel when you go through this.
Being with our children is the best of course. Their love is not only unconditional, but they also show us that even with all of the pain, it was all worth it. They were worth it. WE ARE WORTH IT!
A solid weekend for myself and he kids. I am tired. Tough to work 6 days a week and then be exhasted on the 7th. I will do anything to protect my children. I do not think my wife realizes how she has now brought out the intense fighter in me. I do not trust her anymore and question everything.
I found out recently that her indiscretions have been ongoing for some time. She has only the ability to maintain basic relationships sexually--and could never develop any deep bonds. That was fatal for us to ever being together.
The only honest hing she has done was asking for a divorce. Otherwise, we have been living a lie for a long time. I am now beginning to find some inner peace, but still do cry when I think about the few happy times. It hurts that I am now excluded from previous friendships with couples and kids. I can deal with the rejection, but I do not know where to go from here as I do miss that interaction which inclued my children
I will be strong for myself and the kids. A new week is coming and the unknown is staring me in the face. I intend to meet it with adversity, strength and conviction that i am right and will overcome. (easier said than done...)
Wife finally served me papers..... also a offense petition. Both are very weak....I was upset at first, but now happy things are finally moving in some direction.
She desperately wants me out of the house, but I fear for the children and do not want to leave. There is no grounds to get me out at this time, but who knows what the judge will do. We are considering filing an offense petition against her. Amazing how the person that was once your best friend is now your worst enemy. welcome to the jungle......
I need to stay stronga nd focused. this is the hardest part of this. We have back to school night this evening and i will find it tough not to get emotional as we used to go out for dinner and have great talks afterwards. That was one of the few happier moments we had.
Rough times ahead and need to navigate choppy waters. I am trying to be positive, but its not easy. I do not know how is keeping her composure during this. I do know she is upset and frustrated, but i can't worry about her.
Detachment is now complete. i no longer want her back...no matter what. A better future lies ahead. I need peace and love...something i haven't had for 20 years. I am reborn.
Like you say stay strong and keep focused, there are much better days ahead!
I know what you say when you talk about great times shared in the past and how those will play out in the future.
We all went to the drive-in movie on the Sunday of Labor Day weekend the last two years and this year, we were 1,000 miles apart. I thought about it though and of course it made me sad. There are new memories to be made though and those will mean just as much.
Go tonight, be enthusiastic for your kids, meet the new teachers and be as nice to your W as you would any of the other parents there. After all, you are detached from her, so hold fast in the choppy water. You will walk out feeling ten feet tall because you kept your emotions in check. That works for me, and my W can't figure it out. She always asks, "Why are you being so nice?" I may have a complete anger/emotional meltdown in the car on the way home, but only I know about that.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
((( Robert ))) I'm sorry, it hurts and it stinks! I'm not good w/ words but understand how you feel, you are so right though to think of it as a time to move on.
It is surreal when you look at the papers and see the person who was suppose to love you thru thick and thin and now is bascially the person you have to fight tooth and nail.
Good things lie ahead for you- you have those munchkins! lol Nothing better then a childs love, that will get you thru just about anything!
Hugs to you
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Robert G]Wife finally served me papers..... also a offense petition. Both are very weak....I was upset at first, but now happy things are finally moving in some direction.
I'm so sorry to hear that you were served. At least now the guessing game of when is over. That was stressful for me in itself!
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She desperately wants me out of the house, but I fear for the children and do not want to leave. There is no grounds to get me out at this time, but who knows what the judge will do. We are considering filing an offense petition against her. Amazing how the person that was once your best friend is now your worst enemy. welcome to the jungle......
Do you have plans for the house? Will she be able to keep it and does she even want it? Do you want it? Or is the only option to sell? Oh, and why are you afraid for your kis?
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I need to stay stronga nd focused. this is the hardest part of this. We have back to school night this evening and i will find it tough not to get emotional as we used to go out for dinner and have great talks afterwards. That was one of the few happier moments we had.
Yes it is very important that you stay focused, not just for yourself but for your children as well. Tonight will be hard no doubt, but you can do it. Save the emotion for when you get back in the car!
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Rough times ahead and need to navigate choppy waters. I am trying to be positive, but its not easy. I do not know how is keeping her composure during this. I do know she is upset and frustrated, but i can't worry about her.
Robert, you've got to understand that she's been gone emotionally for a while now. It doesn't affect her because this is what she thinks she wants and has dealt with all of the what ifs. Of course she isn't a psyhic so she only thinks she knows how this will be. It's not until we are actually living that we make see things from another angle.
Detachment is now complete. i no longer want her back...no matter what. A better future lies ahead. I need peace and love...something i haven't had for 20 years. I am reborn. [/quote]
Ok, you may feel detached but this is still an open wound. Don't think that emotions aren't going to come at you out of the blue, because they will. This is a process, and you have to feel the pain to get to the other side. The good news is that if you deal with it, it slowly becomes less. Try to keep busy when you're not working. Make plans with friends. I also recommend highly looking into Divorce Care. Lotsa of us here have joined and it has made a hugh difference in our lives.
It was tough at the school tonight. Seeing the other couples together...and us not being a union is very strange and uncomfortable. I tried to keep emotions in check, but I did feel the ping a few times.
I could not wait with her as we went from class to class. How can she be soo cold and mean...to actually want me out of the house. Doesn't she realize that I have no choice but to fight and do everything I could do to survive???
She is certainly not using her judgement. WE initially had a babysitter watching the kids, but I suggested my folks could do it so we could save some money (Actually--I was the one that paid) She insisted on the babysitter anyway since we already committed to her. To my surprise, she was on crutches from breaking her toe. (My daughter suffered a severe ankkle sprain last week and was also on crutches) Why would my wife do this?? Was she trying to prove a point to have me spend money unnecessarily??
Well.. the babbysitter needed more help than the kids. My son pooped in his pants, my daughter fell down off her crutches and didn't finish her homework. I silently shrugged my shoulders...wondering what to do next.
I paid her her weekly allowance and will be going to the Batmitzvah at the end of the week. I got a $250 money order and included my wife. She said it was not enough and should pay $350. Maybe right, but not under these circumstances. She could make up the difference.
I have really begun to hate her......I look at her and now wonder what I ever was thinking. Her true colors have shown through. Now we must battle...and there will be no winners.......I just hope my children are okay. I will do my best to protect them, but they will be unfortuantely dragged into this. I have no choice....She put us here-----
Going to Court today. Scared but as prepared as I can be. My lawyer will be with me. Its the first of many battles to come. I need to remain in house for childrens sake....I fear for their safety as well as their sanity.
Its tough staying in the house with her, as she is baiting me all the time. I have remained calm and avoid her at all costs. She is definitely in fight mode and I must be up to the challenge. I have no choice and she forced me to take every and all possible measures to protect the children and myself.
She wants out, kids, house and money. This will be the fight to the bitter end and there will be no winners...only losers. Her choice...as i must do what I must. She has ben lying and taking advantage of me for years. Time to stand my ground.
Wish me luck as ...the games begin.........
PS-- I have definitely detached... Stage 1 done. On to stage 2.....I dont know if we could ever be friends, as I do not trust her nor believe any words she says. I will keep it professional..at best for the children's sake. But she is using them as weapons in this fight. I find that to be utterly reprehensible. Then again, nothing suprises me anymore.
I doubt stage three is possible...even though my D10 said that somewhere inside my W loves me. She is just confused and doesn't know what to do. Leave her alone for now was her advice. Smart kid!! As long as OM there or in her mind, then there is no possible resurrection. In any event, the door has closed in my mind and unless something dramatic occurs, what that would be I could not even fathom, then its better off we end this now.
