For the Guy with Kids and a WW 12

[kerrysal]

Hopeful...

I just wanted to pop on (as a lurker and former DBer) to offer my support. I think you are an incredibly patient man and she is crazy to be doing what she is doing.

Also...this business she pulls every time you pick up the kids, it has to stop. It's her little way of having 'control' and it's not right. The kids should be ready for when you arrive. Period. If there is stuff that should be packed, she should do it the night before. Remind her that she CHOSE to become a single parent, you did NOT...that means she needs to step up to the plate & cover the slack. I would truly say something to her like 'I don't appreciate the children never being ready or even close to organized when I pick them up. I did not CHOOSE to be a part time parent, you did. My time with them is more precious than ever now, and I find it disrespectful that my time w/them is being wasted when you should have had them prepared to go"...I don't know if you agree, but that would drive me BATTY! I am now divorced, DB could only go so far- but when we change off with the kids, I show my ex the respect I want in return and make sure I have everything organized so I'm not infringing on HIS time w/the kids. It's common courtesy and she seems to just expect you to wait around until she gets around to doing what should have already been done. If she wants out, she needs to realize that being a single parent means virtually NO time to yourself, trust me. She made this choice, she needs to live with the reality of it.

Again, sorry to butt in I think you are doing a great job!

Kerry

[kat727]

I think you hit on the main points: some more healing to do(boy he didn't look good with those bandages off!) and letting go of the baggage. So funny how Francis was just like his Mom. Guess he was trying to replace her while they were growing up. They were letting go of their Dad with that and then when they buried the last feather I think they were letting go of their Mom.

Quirky humor...great way to shake things up! We will have to do it again soon. Thanks for not trying anything, my mind has kept that part of me pretty busy lately.

We are going to be good. You notice how her "games" are getting more annoying. Drop the rope my friend. that doesn't mean giving up it just means staying out of that crud, quit analyzing, this is about you, your life, your choices and your kids. Live it the way YOU want.

kat

[hopeful4her]

Hey kerrysal.

Nice to meet ya. Nice having new peeps stop by. Like I told yenko69, stop by anytime and talk about anything. I usually put myself out there and like to be silly. And if I can help in anyway, I try.

You just need A LOT of time to read my posts. I tend to put a lot of mundane detail. And I like to give nicknames, so be careful.

I do a lot of things that other really good people, like wdid, disagree with, but I am really a good guy. It is just too much to ignore. I can't think of ANYONE that I can relate it to.

And unfortunately, I love my wife too much still.


The wife and I have agreed to spitting time with the kids. When they get off of school, they go to her apartment, which is very close the schools. When I go pick them up, most of the time so far, she is not there. It's the kids. I pick them up and we head to MY house. The kids could ride the bus home to my house, but it is almost an hour and a half ride. I just pick them up and their school backpacks and anything else they feel like bringing back home.

Yes, on the days that she happens to make to her place before me, I want them to be ready. I'm usually looking irritated. She give me a "Are you in a hurry or what?" sarcastic comment.

We then switch off on Sundays.

Glad you think I'm doing a good job. In what way, if you don't mind me asking? I always welcome input from others.



Kitty kat, let me know when your up to it.

She is definately annoying. I forgot that on Sunday, when she brought the girls, she asked me, "They haven't picked up the Yukon yet?" She has not been paying on it and it has been here for months. They have told her they are going to repo it. It's in the drive way. She is parked next to it. Another of those questions. I have to draw blood from my lip to not say something sarcastic.

Gonna keep up what I'm doing so far. Feeling good about myself is a good place to be.

I have to see her tonight again to pick up the kids. Will go to D6's school right after work. Last she told me, she would not attend and just go home and get the kids fixed up with dinner.

If she invites me, should I accept? She is going to feed them. On Sunday, she had declined my invite for her to eat with us and then D6 started acting up and wanted to go back with her. She ended up waiting for D6 to eat. Sat at the table next to her, with us. Remember, D6 was upset and tired. I think she felt uncomfortable eating with us after she had declined. It was unexpected.



Last night, B called me during the movie. She just had to tell me a story of something that just happened to her. Lets just say it involved her going shopping and getting a bite to eat before going home. She goes to the dumpster at her apartment and instead of throwing a bag of trash from what she ate, she threw the bag with a new blouse. The rest included and 80 year old neighbor, a broom, a hanger, duct tape, an old metal chair and another neighbor watching her while in his place on the phone.

She had me rolling. I needed that. She also invited me, depending on the storms that are coming, to go to a Cowboy bar on Friday to see a guy sing named Billy Currington. I tell her not sure.



Today, I get an email from M. She is the one leaving back for Boston. Her last day is Friday and invited me to go have drinks after work tomorrow.

D contacted me Tuesday. The friend she has that I did a favor for, A, wants to set a date on Wednesday for after work. Dinner and drinks to thank me. She came by to see me again that day for some information. We talked for a little while. She told me to pick a day for her to buy dinner and drinks. She'll let D know. She seems just like karen. Her ex is an L now trying to get full custdoy and really puting the screws to her. She is really nice too. I do NOT consider it a date. D will be there too. Just some more that want to hang with me.

[whatdidido]

I disagree with you dating others when you are married. Period. Everyone else does, too. Yet, you continue.

[attorneytom]

You should be dating yourself. Get to know.. care for.. enjoy..

YOU !

How goes it my friend ? You know.. all the stuff happens and then we forget about what we need to do for ourselves. Time to get back there. Not a moral issue it is a very .. very personal one.

AT

[karen43]

H4H, I just think you are playing with fire and you know will eventually get burned. We're in such situations: I could list you a dozen or more reasons why you shouldn't be going out with women and I'm sure you know them too.

You don't consider it a date, but they probably do, and I think that's exactly how our WAS started their As with a rationalization like that-it's not a date, it's just coffee or lunch or whatever. But then you know what it turns into. I also think you're not emotionally ready to date either. You still love your W, and I don't think distracting yourself with another person is a good idea. You know, I do have empathy b/c I started down that path too, had the guy friend that I was going out with to movies and stuff, but I just stopped it completely when I realized what could happen, that I wasn't ready for, and esp. when still married. It would be so easy to distract ourselves like that, but I think you might regret that at some point. Karen

[hopeful4her]

Dub, thank you for still looking in on me. I miss you.

I don't go out on individual outings. Always as a group. This past Saturday was the first time that I had spent ANY time with a girl individually. And it was not planned that way. I had every opportunity to make or have something happen. I made sure nothing didn't. They are pretty. I am attracted because I am a man.

They are my friends and I value that highly. They don't mind if something comes of it, but I do. They are lonely people. All LBS's are, I think.

I see it the same as "going to the movies" with kat. I didn't consider it a date. Thats why I keep things as a group. I'm not trying to "connect" with any of them. Do I flirt? I admit it. I also do it with people that I meet at work. I feel like I have connected to the ladies here on the board than anyone here in real life.

I have lived the "poor me" for WAY to long. Now I'm getting a life. Finding the "cool me" again. I see more of him everyday.

Your judging me dub and I just don't think it's fair.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If these are all done as group outings, I don't see a problem with it. In fact, I believe MWD even recommends it, if I'm not mistaken -- could be wrong.

I WOULD, however, join WDID, Karen and the others who have warned you to be very, very careful, H4H. I don't for a minute think that these alphabet girls are anything other than predatory at this point. As that one guy in "Cool Hand Luke" says, "She knows exactly what she's doin' . . . "

Puppy

[hopeful4her]

Gotta love soap.

I take this walk VERY cautiously. I know it appears that I keep running my hand over the flame. Perhaps I am.

Youve been there from the beginning for me Pup. I keep thinking I need to do something different, but I keep remembering one of the last things you posted to me.

Only when I see her making a move away from OM and back to the marriage. THEN I'll change what I'm doing.

Correct?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Gotta love soap.

I take this walk VERY cautiously. I know it appears that I keep running my hand over the flame. Perhaps I am.

Youve been there from the beginning for me Pup. I keep thinking I need to do something different, but I keep remembering one of the last things you posted to me.

Only when I see her making a move away from OM and back to the marriage. THEN I'll change what I'm doing.

Correct?

NO, I DON'T think that's correct.

I say to only judge your wayward spouse's intentions by their actions (not their words), and specifically NOT to count their movement away from the OM/OW, but only back toward the marriage. When I hire people, one of the things i try to determine is, "Are they running TOWARD my company, and this position, or are they running AWAY from something?" Similar dynamic.

But I (and DB) also advocates "doing what's working," and "don't do what's NOT working." So I think you've got it backwards. Why would you change what you were doing, if she were moving back towards the marriage, and therefore, by definition, what you'd been doing had been WORKING????

Puppy