I think I may belong here.

[kelaaron]

I have been posting on newcomers board but after much more reading, I think I may belong here.

Our R has been filled with ups and downs, hurts and disappointments on both sides. A few years ago, H told me something a little different than in the past. He didn't know who he was, loves me but not in the same way, wanted to leave. Then nothing until last year. Went on biz trip, first time apart in 18 years, and he came back strange. Had a good time, liked the freedom, doesn't want to "answer" to anyone anymore, again love you but not the same. Wanted to leave. Actually told me he was going to Maine to be with the woman he met on trip which was just a friend. Three weeks or so later, he swears he never even said that. Then he says he didn't mean it. Long story short, really rough year, death in the family, cancer scare for me, things were really peaceful again for a while then this all started again a couple of weeks ago. Again wants freedom, not answer to anyone etc.... I admit I have over the years, due to my own fear of abandoment issues coupled with all of the problems we have, become extremely controlling. I actually have felt like I have two children not one. Working on that. H wanted me to clean up the spare room so he could move in there. I did finally, and he didn't. The last few days have been very wierd for me cuz he has been working. Sort of full of peace sort of full of dread. I have no idea where his head is or how to deal with all of this. For some unknown reason, I still love this man even though I think he is off his rocker. Don't know if this is a MLC, but it sure feels like something. I have been trying to DB, 180's, as if, all of that. No arguing and like I said he hasn't moved into the other room yet, hasn't said anything to our S even though he knows that I have told him a D might be in the future. Hasn't told any family yet, asked so I would know how to act if they call, hasn't told any friends. We went out like a couple last week, had sex, I actually initiated, which hasn't happened much at all in 12 years. We are going away this upcoming weekend (planned after the bomb) and his aunt has asked us for help moving at the end of October, which he says we should do.

Any input?

Sorry about the abruptness, have to go pick up S. Thanks in advance.

[kelaaron]

I have a little time to elaborate a little more. We were high school sweethearts and have been together since we were 17. I love my H with all of my heart and soul. There have always been issues, and over time, I have just taken over with control, mommying, etc... The sex is not bad however I stopped initating or even being affectionate a long time ago. He complained about this for a long time and then stopped. We have gone in spurts of things being really good and then really bad.

I can honestly say that I probably should have paid more attention in the beginning, actually listened to his complaints instead of thinking he was just being a selfish jerk. I can honestly say that each time he has dropped the bomb, I have been very surprised, hurt, feel responsible, and then very confused because it goes back to the same ole same ol. If he wants to leave, I can't stop him. I know that. But I know that I can't go back to the same ol stuff again because I'll just be waiting to feel like this again. I am so lost in so many ways.

But I have also really started to recognize what he has been telling me all of these years and yes, I am making changes. I am not questioning, trying to be more affectionate, going about my life. H will be home next 2 days and I'm very anxious about it. Don't know what to do.

[kelaaron]

You know what sometimes I just hate my H. He can be so cold. He is supposed to be my friend. 19 years and he can just act like he doesn't care at all. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out and wondering if this is even worth bothering about. I should just walk away and let him be miserable alone. Because he is just making me miserable along with him and our son deserves at least one parent who is not a basket case. I just can't do this right now. Maybe tomorrow. Going to cook dinner and go to bed before he comes home.

[kelaaron]

H and I had R talk last night. Shocking to say the least. One thing he cannot see is that every time he drops Bomb (there have been 2 now) there is a "friend". I really don't care about that anymore. He has done all he can to hurt me. I have lived for 12 years being afraid of my own shadow in this M. It wasn't so bad at first but over the years it got worse and worse, until now I became a controlling shrew. I read some of the MLC info and really know now this is what I am living through. The fires of hell have been so hot for so long in my home. My poor S, I don't know what he thinks. He just says "stop acting like children". He just doesn't understand that I can't fix this one.

I'm not really sure what stage h is in. Somewhere still in replay I am guessing right now maybe moving into depression. He says OW is just "friend". She has been divorced 3 times and is giving him good advice. Funny this advice is good. Other OW advice was not so good (she encouraged him that we should date and get to know each other). But she made him feel good. This one does too I guess, which I haven't done. He has actually told her no more phone calls or text messages, he doesn't want me to be hurt anymore or think he is doing something he isn't, but they still see each other at work. He comes home on time, always has, doesn't disappear, like he didn't do during A years ago, so I don't know if PA but I will never argue EA. Tried to convince myself it wasn't but I can't do that anymore.

Wish I could have started MY journey in all of this last year when first bomb hit. But right after that bomb, I got one of my own, I was told I was going to die. Had a little more pressing stuff on my plate. God gave me the strength to get through that struggle, and gave me my H temporarily, which I needed so much. I thought everything was getting better until a few weeks ago. Bomb again. Wants to be byself. Doesn't want to answer to anyone, doesn't know who he is. Wow. Started looking at self. Why was I the way he said I was? In a short amount of time, I actually managed to uncover the reasons for my behaviors in this M. I know it isn't all my fault H is where he is, but I still need to change what I need to change for me. I have become so controlling, so miserable, so utterly exhausted from all of it. Not the bomb, but my life. I have been the man and have forced him to be a child. I know now he is in MLC, but there are things I have to do for me, and I know in some ways they will put more pressure on him. I have turned over the money to him. I can't deal with it anymore. I have turned over S-14 to him, not loving, just the discipline. I can't have those arguments with S anymore. Someone needs to show the child he has responsibilities and expectations and he is not a small child anymore and that there are consequences to his actions. I can't do it. I waffle. I protect, I caretake to the extreme. I do it to both of them and I can't anymore. I don't even know what it feels like to be a woman. I have the parts, but I don't know what to do with them. I don't know how to be a wife. I don't know how to let someone take care of me, but I have given it over to God. During H 2 year PA, ended 8 years ago, I received a message from Him, telling me he was not done with us yet. I had given up. I was trying to figure out how to file. That message stopped me.

I feel like I have been shown what the end result of all of this will be if I can give up control. Roles have to reverse. I have emasculated this man for so long I am not really surprised he has come to where he is. He always believed, I don't know why, that he would die by 35. Turned 35 last year and he is still here. I want to say this started a while before that. I'm not really sure exactly when but sometime between beginning 05 and 06. New job, S not a little boy anymore, death of both grandmothers, one he respected, other he cherished. They had been the strong women in his life. The loving women, the reliable ones. Mother a raging alcoholic, not there emotionally, still isn't. She moved in with us at the very end of 06 with a half hour notice, and during the 8 months she was here, we were both faced with demons from our past. I remembered why I never ever want to live with another alcoholic and why I am so afraid of how even a little drinking can take over your life (my father). H basically got to relive his wonderful childhood, which I was only privy to the end of and didn't know too much about until his cousin filled me in last summer. All H ever told me was, his first memory of father was at 3 and he was shooting drugs. Mother drank and lived in a bottle. I quickly came to learn her behavior of "I'm going to do..." and then when sober doesn't remember. I have spent years covering for her and trying to make up for her mistakes with him and our S. Making sure bills always paid, food always in cabinets, whatever she promised and reniged on, I did (like get our S a dog). I mothered to my husband like I mothered to my S. I felt like he had already been so deprived as a child that I wanted to do everything for him.

By the time the bombs were dropped last year, she was doing unbelievable things, actually accused me of trying to kill H (later said she was joking, what a joke) I couldn't take the stress anymore. I told her to leave. It was what I had to do for me and to be honest for H and S too. By that point, we were all miserable. Until last week, there has been no communication from her. She sent S a bday card, so I called and thanked her. She apologized, we talked a little, will never be what it was. Tried to put H on phone, but he doesn't want to talk to her.

A few months ago, I came out of my "thank God, I'm not going to die" euphoria, and started feeling overwhelmingly pressured. H was not helping, S typical teenager, I was doing stupid things like forgetting BC pills, I was losing control. I started to want to run away from everything. Didn't understand my feelings, didn't know why. Tried to hold onto everything tighter. Was slipping. Was falling down a tunnel with no way out. Then the bomb. Then amazingly, my lightbulb. I no longer want to run away. I just need to do things differently. I need to let me be me. I need to let him be him. Why do they actually try to run away? I wanted to but I never would. I am hoping my selfishness right now doesn't push him away further, I am afraid it might. But I am more afraid of what will happen to me if I don't take this journey. He is just going to have to step up and so far he seems like he can do it, he actually seems to want to even though he feels he is preparing himself to be on his own. I can't make him see what a gift he is giving me right now. I can't make him see that I am becoming a different person, a person who isn't so bitter, so angry, someone who appreciates him and loves him. Someone who is not clingy or needy. I can't make him see any of it. But I have faith. I have enough faith for both of us. I am trying to have patience, and I know not everyday is going to be a bed of roses. I know there are times when I will feel like i hate him again. But I trust that God will give me the strength I will need to face this. He has always been there before.

Has anyone else been through this?

[tpaschal]

I haven't been through exactly what you are going through, but have some similarities. (I'm controlling, mommied my H in some ways, etc.)

You say the lightbulb turned on for you, and you are coming to realize why you did some of the things you did, and that's great. But you do sound depressed. That's normal, considering what you are going through, but don't ignore depression---it just makes this whole situation harder to cope with.

Are you in counseling? If not, please consider it. Or try the DB phone Coaching sessions. I haven't ever been able to afford the phone coaching, but it seems like it's very helpful to others who have tried it. Or find a good, pro-marriage (hopefully DB trained) counselor in your area.

Good luck and God bless.

[kelaaron]

Thank you for your support. Would love to try coaching but can't afford it right now either. No I'm not in counseling. Tried that years ago, IC, and was not very successful. I am depressed, sad, lonely. Right now I think I will be ok. I am really having major inner struggles over the giving up control thing. It is what I have to do for me and hopefully for this M but it isn't easy to let down the armor and be vunerable. Especially when right now is probably when I need it the most. Have Dr appt next week and am thinking about getting something, especially since I am on a hormonal emotional rollercoaster right now as well. Went off pill after 22 years and my body hates me.

Had a talk with S earlier. Asked him how he was doing with all of this. He is losing respect for his father. He knows I'm hurting, but I have tried very hard not to blame or criticize H to S. He sees his father as giving up and says if he leaves, he won't be able to look at him same way. My heart is breaking for him and H. They have always had a wonderful relationship. H had a sh*t of a father and he worked so hard to be a good father. Can't tell H what S said though, he will see it as a ploy or something. So yes that is upsetting too.

It is really hard, to think of all we have been through together, and it hasn't been easy or pretty, that he can just be so selfish. And knowing how I contributed to it is even harder to face. It can be so hard to hate someone you love but I am living it.

[tpaschal]

Had a talk with S earlier. Asked him how he was doing with all of this. He is losing respect for his father. He knows I'm hurting, but I have tried very hard not to blame or criticize H to S. He sees his father as giving up and says if he leaves, he won't be able to look at him same way. My heart is breaking for him and H. They have always had a wonderful relationship. H had a sh*t of a father and he worked so hard to be a good father. Can't tell H what S said though, he will see it as a ploy or something. So yes that is upsetting too.

It is really hard, to think of all we have been through together, and it hasn't been easy or pretty, that he can just be so selfish. And knowing how I contributed to it is even harder to face. It can be so hard to hate someone you love but I am living it.

Right there with ya, honey! That is the hardest thing---to watch them throw away their relationships with their children. My H was a loving, supportive, generous husband and father, but no more. The kids are a nuisance to him---they interfere with his fun, no responsibilities lifestyle with the 22 yr. old OW. It is extremely difficult to put up with, and impossible to understand.

I hope you will talk to the doctor about your depression. Hormones and the stress of what you're going through make it more difficult to cope with everything than it needs to be. An anti-depressant won't numb your pain or take away your grief, but it does make it more manageable.

[kelaaron]

I am actually going to the doctor tomorrow. I am finding a little peace within myself on the non hormonal days. Finding strength in my faith. Just really realizing how long this craziness has been going on. The more I read and learn about the stages, the more I see as I reflect on M. Soon I hope I will feel better. Have committed myself to right now focusing on S and house. I realize when I was at home (not working) that is when I was happiest. Can't stop working but I can make the most of the time when I am home.

[kelaaron]

There are moments when I think my H is slowly trying to kill me by completly ripping out my heart. He too has played the "bigger, better, more," will make you feel better game for a while now. I just thought it was what he did cuz it is what his mother does. But I am starting to see that he hasn't always been like that. He has always liked to get people gifts but it has been different these last couple of years. He actually bought his F something really nice for last Christmas. Never before has he done that. He has been happy sending a coffee cup or something. The irony of that is he doesn't need to repair the R with his father, it is the other way around. But that is a whole different story. H has really been spoiling S for a while now, more than in the past and he even gave me roses for Valentine's which was the first time in 12 years. I knew at the time it was wierd. But I thought it was a step forward. I am beginning to really understand. This has been going on for so long. H says he doesn't want to "answer" to anyone anymore.

I just don't know. I am starting to see the depression and this makes me feel worse than any of the other stuff. He is trying to function at this point. He sits here and wrings his hands, wanders aimlessly, just stands in the middle of the room. He has been drinking more but not getting drunk. I just want to wrap myself around him and tell him it will all be ok. But he doesn't want me to do that. He says he doesn't. I did just hug him twice in the last month, after he said it was because he knew I needed it. Yesterday I guess S was telling him about his new karate goals. They talked about a friend of S who is gay but hasn't completly come out yet (everyone knows but...) I guess 15 is still very confusing even in this day and age...
H told S, even if you aren't confident, sometimes you just have to decide, and even if it is hard, stay on that path. S told me cuz he thought H was actually having a conversation with him about our sitch.

I don't know. They are wise words. If is about sitch, then I know he is still very unsure of what he is really doing. I knew that anyway. I just pray everday that God will see us both through this. My heart has been softened, I see H through His eyes now. Hoping H heart will soften to and he can be lifted out of this and learn to forgive. He has so much inside of him, so much that was there from before we were together. And yes, we have both hurt each other over the years. So there is that too. I really think if H can forgive, then he can really start to figure out who he is and what he wants, and we can move forward. With our without each other. Right now moving forward is the word of the day, but it is easier said than done.

[kelaaron]

Well, just got text from H. What is the spystuff and and phone tracker? I had thought he may be using that stuff because he seems to know everything I have either posted here or texted to a friend. Wanted to know if it really existed. Of course, he says I'm the one who is using it. I don't care what he is doing, who he is talking to, etc...Yes when I was very controlling, I cared. I used to look at the cell phone bill like it was a report card for the day. I wanted to know everything, but maybe I'm a little naive, I didn't think that stuff really existed for lay people until I read about it on here. Was very surprised to see that it actually does. Didn't erase the history in the computer, don't feel the need to cuz I have nothing to hide, and I guess he found it. I don't know when, over the weekend (which was actually sort of nice)I guess. Only stewed about it for a few days before asking which is new, usually it's months, but still believes nothing I say. Don't even know why I bother to defend myself to him. I know what I've done and haven't and I haven't been the greatest W, but I also am learning where that came from. Who knows, maybe someday we will laugh about it. Couldn't afford any of that crap even if I wanted to which I don't. Years ago, I found a love letter a woman gave him and that pretty much started me on the road to paranoia. Yes, I have had my hand in the ruin of this M, but I am not solely responsible.

Someone else posted that it is hard to tell if this is MLC or not cuz Spouse whole life has been a crisis. I too feel the same way, but as I have reflected, I really can see when the real changes started. So I thought we were entering Depression, but now I am wondering after this accusatory text and the fact that since he opened door I addressed issue with Son that he has not replied to at all, I am wondering if we are still in replay. Can these stages overlap? Does anyone know?

Any support/input would be greatly appreciated. Was actually feeling very centered until this. I have got to learn how to not react to him. Was starting to look at him with different eyes but I see that he is still the same alien/jerk as usual. Breathe, breathe, breathe, patience.

Lord, release me from these negative feelings and this anxiety that I am holding onto. I now do not want H to come home tonight because I do not even want to deal with him. Help me to understand he is going through something that only You understand and help me to see him as You do. Also Lord, release from me the anger I have at his lack of regard for what he is doing to Son. I know he is a good father and does not intend to do S harm. Lord, give me strength and wisdom to make it through this day. Amen.