Looking for some help on a gift question from a WAS.
If the WAW said one of her complaints was not getting gifts does giving one now for her birthday show that I care or just anger her. If I don't give a gift is that just respecting the NC or showing I don't care.
- H (me, LBS) = 33 y/o - WAW = 36 y/o - M = 7 yrs, T = 11 yrs - S9, D6 - Bomb dropped = 8/9/08 - WAW moved out = 9/19/08. - Hope = faint. My Sitch
I had the same question about three weeks ago. My WAW didn't want me to send her any cards or flowers, because she said that when I sent them in the past I was just making up for something I had done wrong. I did think that at the because I was wrong too many times, but it is not what I think. It is what she thinks! I have always sent her flowers on her Brithday. Not just when I did screw-up.
I am doing the LRT and it says to not to apply any presser or pursue. I thought if I got her a gift for her birthday it would look like I was pursuing her. A couple of nice people here said her birthday is a special day and if you didn’t recognize this special day it my hurt more than help.
We had not seen each other in about 3 months. We talk once a week on the phone and emailed back and forth a couple a times a week. Nothing but business and friendly conversations. I debated for a month with myself about this same question…Do I or Don’t I? I went from do nothing to what I finally did.
I went with my gut and I gave her a Friendship Birthday card and a gift card to her favorite dress shop. You should know also that I asked her she would like to go to lunch with me to celebrate her Birthday (I thought lunch would be less threatening to her and some what less romantic). I let her pick the place and time where she wanted to eat. She agreed.
I am glade I did!!!! She looked great and I told her so. I keep a smile on my face and told her a couple of funny stories that would show I had made some 180s without coming right out and telling her point blank that I making changes. I let her talk and I listen very intently to everything she said and validated and made positive remarks on what she was talking about. She has a very busy workday especially on Mondays, which this was. We talked for 1 hour and 45 minutes. She looked at her watch a couple of times and said she could stay a little longer. Then at the appropriate break in our conversation I tolded her that I had to go back to work. She knew this was one of my busies days of the year. She committed on that and I said, “ That’s OK it was worth it I enjoyed it very much.” As we got our cars she turned and gave a kiss on the lips and a good tight 30-second hug. We parted ways. Neither of us said ILY.
I found out later that week from my S33 and D30 that she had told them that she really enjoyed our lunch. So you can see that I am glade I did something for her Birthday. This week she has agreed to be my date to a social function that I have to go to for my job.
I know this is a long way around to your answer, but In My Opinion, Go with your gut. You know her better than anyone her dose. This may start to put some point in the love bank for you. If you are anything like me, you need too! At least in her mind.
Not matter what response you get here you are the one that going to have to make the decision. Good Luke! Let us know what happens.
Think I am gonna go with the gift. Nothing huge but something that says I remembered this special day for you. Going with a peronalized card but it will only have a few words on it and it won't be anything about "oh I want you back" or any crap like that.
I did find something on the computer though and I don't know to feel about it. Found that she had been looking at sites that talk about how to get your ex back after divorce. Since this happened she has always said that we would have to start from the beginning and meet each other as strangers. Divorce is at lest 12 months away. So I am a little disturbed that she is looking that long term already, as in if I divorce him how could he get me back later or how could I get him back laters. YIKES!!!!!
- H (me, LBS) = 33 y/o - WAW = 36 y/o - M = 7 yrs, T = 11 yrs - S9, D6 - Bomb dropped = 8/9/08 - WAW moved out = 9/19/08. - Hope = faint. My Sitch
1. She doesn't love me anymore. But she doesn't know how she will feel in the future. She says it is unpredictable.
2. She wouldn't probably tell me the truth even if she were talking to the OM. I take that as she is still talking to the OM.
3. She thinks we should both just live our separate lives and see what happens, i.e. be with whomever we want and then see how we feel.
4. She thinks that there is too much pressure with her being in the house. That is why you decided to separate. She couldn't think. But now believes that a divorce is what she wants. Although if there is a quick out she doesn't want to take it.
Is this how all WAW feel. Geez. DBing is gonna be real hard. Wife sleeping with other guys but don't worry its because she is looking to feel the passion that has been missing in her life. Give me a break. Maybe I should give up.
- H (me, LBS) = 33 y/o - WAW = 36 y/o - M = 7 yrs, T = 11 yrs - S9, D6 - Bomb dropped = 8/9/08 - WAW moved out = 9/19/08. - Hope = faint. My Sitch
1. She doesn't love me anymore. But she doesn't know how she will feel in the future. She says it is unpredictable.
2. She wouldn't probably tell me the truth even if she were talking to the OM. I take that as she is still talking to the OM.
3. She thinks we should both just live our separate lives and see what happens, i.e. be with whomever we want and then see how we feel.
4. She thinks that there is too much pressure with her being in the house. That is why you decided to separate. She couldn't think. But now believes that a divorce is what she wants. Although if there is a quick out she doesn't want to take it.
Is this how all WAW feel. Geez. DBing is gonna be real hard. Wife sleeping with other guys but don't worry its because she is looking to feel the passion that has been missing in her life. Give me a break. Maybe I should give up.
Its always interesting to see how similar the relationships of complete strangers can be.
My W has told me virtually the exact same things. I grapple with feeling I should give up all the time.
Mine has even encouraged me to go out and find some NSA action! :-( Heck, sometimes I think I want to take her up on that!
So I am also sitting in your boat - but I have been in this boat a tad longer.
My advice: pull back. AKA - go dark, 180
Ex: I have told wife I am also feeling ready to throw in the towel and move on. Finally came out to friends, family & co-workers that we are getting a D
And now she is interested in the idea of trial separation 1st
I act excited about the idea of trial separation. I express desire to move forward in life, but never make same mistakes with my next girl. I ordered DVD from this site, started watching it. 2 days later, she watched it with me for about 1/2 hour and actually did one of the exercises with me!
Ok, Ok, trying not to be excited or get my hopes up..cause my WAW (while never leaving the house..yet) has gone back and forth on her desire for D for a long time now.
All I know - is if I talk about us - it pushes her away. If I talk about my life without her - it seems to draw her closer
Its friggin crazy. Its friggin tough. But nothing worth having comes easy. Hang in there. And unlike me, try not to fall on/off the DB wagon (I have moments of weakness that sets me back weeks at a time)
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
Is this how all WAW feel. Geez. DBing is gonna be real hard. Wife sleeping with other guys but don't worry its because she is looking to feel the passion that has been missing in her life. Give me a break. Maybe I should give up.
Didn't you ask this question in another post? Or all of you LBH the same?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
