A big relationship talk - out of the blue....

[Abbey]

OKie dokie... strange update. I wanted to start a new thread because I'd all but closed the door on things in my last thread. Well... just when you least expect things... expect them. We had a BIG relationship talk. Completely out of the blue... He phoned last night, I wasn't home... called again today to come visit. That had my radar up. I knew he wanted to talk. Wasn't sure what to expect... the worst, the best... who knew.

I won't get into particulars here just yet,... suffice to say ... the shiny new penny has apparently FINALLY started to lose some of her shine. He admitted to me as such and that he can't see her and he being a long term thing... and told her that this morning he said. She tried to pull the power play of saying she was going to go back to her H... which didn't phase my H... he said he can't see ever living with her and refused to give in to it. Matter of fact... these power plays of hers have backfired, it looks like. There's ONE more power play she's pulling... I'm going to sit in the bush until it comes full circle... can't do anything yet... cept wait. He said her temper is like an on/off switch. He's not impressed. Nor was he impressed with other things she's been doing the last few weeks. Suddenly I'm the one he needs... the stable one.

He started off by asking me if I was seeing anyone. I probably broke every rule in the book in the talk... except the L word, I didn't say that. I used care, used words like "missed you"... and he said he missed me too.. So we're having dinner to'row night... and he said something about Monday etc too. I finally told him about my school plans.... he was very encouraging. It felt like the right time to show my true state of stability.

I know that he hates being alone, he wants a wife and someone who can devote time to him, which is what we both need and want. I said I wanted to start off slowly trying to be friends again... baby steps... and of course... we went off that course when then something "big" he laid on me came out... I think my answer surprised him. Suddenly... he realized I meant what I said about supporting him through anything. I don't know where this is all going yet, but he DID say he almost came over here a number of times at night in the last few months. He's torn still... so yesssss proceed with caution... he's got to get over what he's been through in the last few month... but some things needed to be said and so we said a lot. .... An awful lot.

Talk about things turning on a dime. We hugged... and he kissed me. It wasn't a big smooch... but he kissed me. I could tell he wasn't sure about himself.... but now it's my turn to be stable... secure and straight arrow. I'm so afraid right now... because I have to keep my mouth shut about some things until this plays out. I still may end up single when this is all said and done... but I dunno... things are looking up for the first time since February. Things got complicated and simplified all at the same time. (don't ask about what... cuz I won't say until this plays out).

I even pinched myself after he left... for a minute I really had to wonder... was I dreaming this? If he keeps his date for dinner t'row night,... I'll know I'm not. *smile* Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me... PLEASE!!! And prayers too if you can.

Abbey

[AliSuddenly]

WOW!!! Wow Abbey... dont worry, this is all good, this week is a turning point for us Pisceans - I was hoping my ex would call me and say some similiar things, but he hasnt (he's away) so I am not surprised at this timein..and Monday? Jupiter moves forwards, its been going backwards and 'on hold' since May and Jupiter is the ruler of Pisces.. so I think this is a hugely postive sign and right time for him to come to you and want to go to dinner. So be confident !!! He wants you in his life probably even more than he's letting on from what I have read about the skies this week.

So astrology timings aside... I am amazed!!!! Wow, what vinication for you, that he admits what a mistake he made and that she is not a good partner for him, thats incredible, you must be thrilled and yes, how ironic, just at the moment you had decided you'd had enough !!!

I bet you are scared.. have you had any DB coaching? I cant remember but I reckon now would be a good time to book a couple of sessions to have someone hold your hand through the next couple of weeks. I think in an R as long as yours, and the fact that he was so honest with you.. this might just be one of those cases where an A just makes your R stronger, so be brave.

I am SOOOOOO happy for you, you deserve this so much, you are a thoughtful, caring, lovely person... I am so glad your H has come to his senses, even if this is going to be a little slow to get back on track, but I am sure you will make it the two of you.

Ali xxxxx

[Abbey]

Hey Ali

I'm hoping... keep good thoughts going... there's so much that still will need to be pieced, obviously... but right now... it's a first step in the right direction.

It is a vindication, isn't it. I hadn't thought about that. He told me stuff that he said to her,... and I have to admit, I'm rather surprised at how ... "un alien" he seems right now. The whole convo seemed so... natural. I didn't feel knives or anything in my gut. Strange, actually cuz we talked about some difficult things. That just occurred to me now too... he needed me as a friend... needed me as the listener... I think I did good.

I'm not counting my chickens... as I said... it's a first step... and he may get scared... and retreat yet... which I'll just have to try to do as well then as I think I did today. What's interesting is when I asked him why he didn't act on his wanting to come over before etc... he said he was scared and didn't know if he "could". So maybe I was right thinking I "saw" him that night at the movies... that he was still in there. Is looking that way. Slow baby steps... keep reminding myself slow...slow baby steps. And yes... things happen for a reason... and so hopefully this is the case... the A makes the R stronger. He still won't admit to the A.... don't know what to do with that yet (that's probably councilling territory... will deal with that later) ... ah... for now, we said we'd like to push the bad stuff aside and work on connecting again. He was careful to say... no promises... but certain things we discussed... had him using "we" and talking about some of the dreams we used to talk recently about together as a couple. One in particular had me asking about specifics... and it did include me and some "things" we'd have to do to make it happen.

I'm glad I upped my meds
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you Ali... I've been laying low so I'll try to catch up with your thread soon.

*hugs*
Abbey

[forward]

"He phoned last night, I wasn't home"

I am always intrigued by these kinds of reversals. But this is good. Not rushing is good. Leaving first and at the height of expectations is good.

I would just be careful being too available!!

[TRUSTING]

Slow and steady. Sounds very promising.

[The Wifey]

(((Abbey)))

This is a crack in the alien armor. He is taking a huge baby step here and you are right to go slowly and carefully here. You just keep remembering that you deserve to be loved and cared for. And you need to be stronger now than ever.

I am going to add you to my prayers, honey. Good for you.

[Abbey]

The crack in the alien armor is how I feel too. Something I said to a friend on the phone last night... that for the first time since... as far back as I can remember,... there was no "abducted" by aliens like he has been. He was more honest about things than he'd been for a long long time. He's still in "me" mode which is expected... and slow and steady is going to be the rule of thumb. One thing he admitted is that he doesn't do well "alone". Something in what Lisa's (One Day's) coaching session said too ... our spouses often aren't about to let go until there is a sure thing one way or the other... and that's what I had to show yesterday... I'm the soft place to fall... the sure, stable thing and the one who's ready to tackle anything that we need to.

When I first came here... I said I was stuck on which way to go with this... step back, or "try like hell". Sounds like the parasite's H is trying like hell, and that's working at his end too. So now I may now need to change gears and go to tender and loving which suit my personality better, and ultimately is more in keeping with the kind of relationship the H craves (and me too)... tender, lots of touching and togetherness. Experiment to see what he's most comfortable with ... carefully of course. And take things as they come from where he's at through the process.

Prayers and good thoughts appreciated sooooo much.

Thanks to everyone!
Abbey

[momof2girls]

Hi, I have never posted to you before but what is happening to you is exactly what happened to me!

OUT OF THE BLUE...during our D5's baseball game, H said he missed me and wanted to come home. His OW was not what he thought and he realized that he was spending more time with her kids than his own.

H also realized that he no longer knew what was going on in my life. I did not tell him anything and acted very mysteriously when he would come and get the kids. I GAL'd the best I could...I was home with a D5 and a D9 months!

I don't think OW's and A's are the way to go OBVIOUSLY...but sometimes it helps us learn what is important in a M...

Anyway...I listened and we dated. It has been a year and three months since H moved back home and our M is stronger than ever. We still go to MC but overall we have built our R to be stronger than ever.

I am sending you good thoughts and luck! I am sure things will turn out the way you want them to be!

[Abbey]

Hi Momof 2...

Everyone.... thanks for your encouragement! I had a friend who went through this and used the words: excitingly excruciating.

Naturally, the process to me is such uncharted waters. He and I were whirlwind when we got together. And from what I know of the OW, it was fever pitched etc. (I've since learned how she's been treating him, and frankly it makes me sick to think he's put up with her crap at all.) But feverpitch is a funny thing isn't it... you can get caught up in it. And right now, it's in the crash and burn stage. I'd even go so far as to venture that he's embarrassed at the way she's treated him. It's my turn to listen... to "be there". I did say I would have to have an affair with my own husband to get back on track. Stage one I guess is moving towards having that emotional affair between he and I ... "she doesn't treat me right, she doesn't understand me, we have nothing in common, she just wants to go out and party".

What has me a little worried is I'm stable, easy going (thanks to the meds now)... and could appear "boring" by comparison right now. But... all that said and done, last night was nice. Not passionate wacko pull our clothes off insane.... it was a nice relaxed evening. He said so too, commented on it.

We kissed 4 or 5 times... simple kisses, nice more than friends kisses, but not full out "suck face" ones. *grin* We went out to dinner and we even got a video and came back here to watch it. (He even asked which salad dressing I was going to eat... cuz he likes garlic dressing) *smile*

Back here... he got a blanket and sat in the middle of the couch so that we could share the blanket and made a point of showing me that he intented to share the blanket with me. Took a while before he held my hand, but then he snuggled in close to me from the get go and then he snuggled in closer to me, laid his hand on my leg and stretched his arm across my lap. We touched hands and did this "fiddle with each other's fingers thing" that we used to do the whole time we watched the video. (oh god I missed that so much!!!!)

Since sunday was a rainy dreary and cold day (and he was outside in that most of the day)... by about 10 pm his eyes actually started to get heavy... and I suggested that we can watch the rest of it on Monday or later this week. So we have a tentative date for tonight (he's got some business that might take him across the city).... so it's up in the air, but I wanted him to try this new salad I discovered. Chicken and salad... something that can be whipped up ahead of time and can sit in the fridge til whenever

The tentativeness of the date is ok, it's the nature of the work... and was part of our lives for 19 years. Changing plans on the fly is something that accommodates his needs. Since what I"m doing in courses again will have me doing the same type of job... (and he's excited about that... talked about it quite a bit last night)... it's a good precedent to be ok about.

We've also talked about finding time this week (weather permitting) to do an outdoor activity that we used to do a lot of. This is something that I find very exciting... and it's a very comfortable and enjoyable pass time for us.

Mom, (and anyone/everybody else)...any advice you can give me, - naturally I don't want to be boring and try "TOO" hard if you know what I mean. But I have to balance that with knowing that the OW is a selfish parasite who's finally showed him her true colors in the last little while and has just really treated him like an incidental side order. I do want to show him (and I think he needs to feel) that he's wanted here... and we can be compatible again.

So that said, how do I stay exciting, but not scare him. Be stable without being boring. And of course side step the things he still says in quasi-"MLC"-still-scared-taking-it-slow mode?

I KNOW he likes the high one feels - that sexual electricity. That has to build for us - it's not the same as the first time around (so I've read and thankfully I'm not totally freaked that it isn't supposed to be all fireworks). He has to feel like he can trust me. (And me with him). I just know some of his needs and it's going to be the balance between not running head first into a wall and scaring each other.... and knowing that he needs to feel some of that electricity.

Abbey - cautious and hopeful.

[I'mstillhopeful]

I am so happy for you and the latest turn of events. It gives us all a little hope. It sounds as if you are doing everything right by taking it slow.