I don't know how to link my past threads so I will condense things...
H left 3 days b4 Xmas 07' claiming he needed to go find himself and no longer loved me, etc....you know the BS. I was blindsided. The kids were devestated, our families in shock, our friends beside themselves. We had always been seen as the fairy tale romance that everyone wanted.
3 months after he left he admitted to having had an affair for 5 months b4 he left but that it had ended long b4 he left and that another woman wasn't the reason he left. About another month later he admitted that 1 month after he left he had moved in with a female friend who it just so happens was a female friend I found he was having an emotional affair with for 3-4 months b4 he left me.
I began dating while he was gone and wound up having 2 bf's at the same time and still sleeping with my H...yes to your shock a smart highly intelligent woman who was emotionally destroyed found solice in bed with 3 diff. men....I now know was a HUGE mistake but anyway...
I began threatening to tell H's gf that he and I were sleeping together as a means to get him to fulfill his parenting committment that he was slacking on and that I would not allow. After about the 3rd or 4th threat he told her and she kicked him out now mind you this was only a couple weeks after he and she got back from 10 days in Mexico that his parents loaned him money for. WTF????
He began spewing more hateful venom at me since I caused the ONE he loved to leave him.
He had filed D papers in March and I counterclaimed on grounds of adultery so here comes Aug. 21 our divorce hearing and our D was denied because in MD you need a witness to coraborate the adulterers story-him admitting to committing it wasn't good enough. We each left and talked on the phone later that day for hours. All the time now while he was gone we would have our HUGE phone arguments mainly about how dare he hurt me and the kids, how dare he cheat on me after 19 years, etc... but then 10 min. later were talking like the best friends we had always been.
We began having sex even more the last month b4 our D hearing and had agreed that even though we would be divorced that neither of us liked the idea of someone else being with the other spouse intimately so we would take care of each other that way until true love came our way with someone else.
The weekend after the D hearing he asked me out on a date and I accepted and that night he told me he wanted to come home. We went through the intense emotional breakdowns...him especially over how stupid he was and how that 9 months was not who he was and how he had a gun barrel in his mouth once and drank heavily always alone...that his better life on the greener side of the fence stunk. He admitted that every weekend he had the kids his heart broke more because he knew I was with 1 of the bf's. Also apologized for doing it all in the first place and begged me to help him stay out of that DARK place he went to. I held a sobbing 36 year old man and told him I would never let him go back there and would follow him to hell if need be to bring him back. He thanked me for always being his friend throughout this and fighting for him in such a way that he noticed and remembered...admitted that he fought to win back gf and wished he had fought for me instead. Told me he always knew I loved him and that I was his safe place.
So not so short a version I know...sorry. So he has been back a couple weeks now and I seem to be the 1 sabotaging it. All this week everynight I have had an emotional breakdown because all I can think of, wait obsess about, is that he had sex with the gf and I want all the graphic details for some sick reason. I obsess that he always wanted US to go away but never found the money for US to go away but did when she wanted to. I obsess over the fact that he wants his own bank account now and still wants some of the independence he had while he was away. He says it feels like I am pushing him away and working some big plan to make him feel good and comfy then kick him out...he has all these worries and tells me he can't trust me either because I have now had a taste of the single life and might want it again.
We have our first counseling session this coming week with someone that has similar views on counseling as Michele so I hope he will be able to help us heal and move forward and help me learn how to not care about how another woman honestly folks orally pleased my husband and how he touched her and how she rode him in bed. I had to say those things because those are the things I think about ALL the time. I would imagine I am not the only wife either to think them.
Please if anyone has successfuly pieced after a similar sit. I would love the advice.
Heather
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
MMB, It is great you found a counselor. How did you find one? I am looking for one with similar views. I think the fact you are going together shows a willingness on both your parts to heal and put this all behind you. You have both been hurt and been through tough times and maybe are just doing things, (like the bank account) to feel safe. Hey , a wound still hurts while it heals.
Oh my God, when I read your situation it sounded like mine in 1979. I too, wanted him back. But it never happened. Then #2 came along and married me after I had my first marriage annuled in the Catholic Church.
Guess what, he left too! We've been divorced and out of communication for 5 years. Just recently he called me and now I think he's just playing with me. So now I'm back on the boards trying to find like minded people.
Good luck in you counseling. I hope it works and you can have some peace. I understand 100% how you can want to know all the lousy details even thought it will hurt you. But I guess we all need to feel like we have a clean slate.
I know you and you H have been through a lot and at one point it seemed like you were both lost to each other with all of the different issues that you both had. Over here in piecing is quieter that newcomers so don't expect fast responses but folks are friendly enough.
My one piece of advice would be that the things you obsess about, the things you feel you need to know, find someway to can them, bury them and not let them drive your everyday feelings. The bottom line is you have to wipe the slate clean and move forward and not look back.
If you and your H are the type that can openly discuss past failings then thats another matter. but from what I remember of you previous sitch a lot of what you and H went through needs to be looked at acknowledged and then buried for good so you can have a fresh start.
Well I know it's been well over a year since I have been on here. Things in general have been very good. We began going to church and have surrounded ourselves with very wonderful people, good influences for us both.
Bliss is short lived though I guess. While we are married and happy and the kdis are doing great, I am not happy in this house. I agreed to move back into HIS house/our home after he came home to the hosue I had begun renting for the kids and I. You see part of his MLC was to let his home/our home go into foreclosure. The mortgage company did a remod. and I agreed to break my lease with landlord, who I will say was very understanding and allowed me to move out. In all honesty though, after being back in here for 19 months, I am miserable here. The house isn't home and hasn't been. The bad memories are killing me and affecting our relationship. The economy has affected his work and in turn our household income and we are back in a situation where paying the mortgage is tough. I gave up a life I made and credit I had to help him right his wrongs and get his fmaily back in the home we had but wish I hadn't. He has offered to walk away from this house, yes let the bank take it, in order to keep this family happy and solid.
I told him today I need that because being here is draining the life out of me and he went nuts. He hasn't come home yet and is texting me about his anger right now over all this.
What a tough spot.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Sorry to jump in on your thread but my H and I have been together for 3 years and M for just over a year. We have a D(2) together and I have a 12 year old.
He left me last Sunday completely out of character for him. And I'm so hurt and confused.
He's 28 and I'm 34 - he no previous relationship exp.
Can you offer any advice on how to deal? I'm shocked/devastated/angry that he's taken this approach but I want to save our marriage and will do whatever I can.
Do I just give him time? I'm asking you cause you're newly married too and I've heard that the first couple years of a marriage are the hardest.
He's gone to his mom's too and I'm convinced she's encouraging him to move on...
Hey forging on, you may not get replies here in Piecing... I suggest you post in Newcomers.
Monkeybug... its understandable you have huge resentments, which are now surfacing. Can you just all move out and rent the house out to tenants? Would the rent cover the mortgage payments giving you space to move out and move on and you as a family rent a brand new place that doesnt have these memories? Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
