LOL Essie! I like your thinking in the post before the one about the lenses- make him miss your super-fun self!! I don't think anything bad will happen- I genuinely think he'll pursue you. Maybe Jeff will have some ideas on why he might be disclosing all this stuff to you. It does seem a bit odd......
Hey Essie! Thanks for the reassurance, it feels sooo alien to not have him in my life or speak to him, or know how he is. But, I guess I have no choice. As for yoiur phone convo.. hmm.. that sucks. I think I feel he was being a little disresptful, maybe even a little childish. My first thought was.. ok, he's got past the initial teenage hump enough to come back to you, but he may not have done the WORK on himself, so perhaps hasnt actually grown up as such. Either that, or he is just being basically blokey.
I was a little confused by the phone convo though, is it present or past tense??
Quote:
his mum had asked him about pornography, and he had told her that he was single and he was OK with it, and she had said be careful it can lead to an addiction.... he immediately came back to the conversation about porn and that he had told his mum that he was single and he can watch pron and sleep with random women.
I'm confused.. is this a current state of affairs she was asking about??? (and OMG , WTF is going on with him and his Mum !!??). I agree with you on the porn, not nice. Thats a tricky one. But on the sleeping with random woman bit? This is either super insensitive of him (probably) and he totally didnt realise that you would get upset, as you have been apart for a year, so his brain may not have joined you two back together in his head yet.. OR.. he is testing you. Or kind of putting up a boundary in a slightly crass way, maybe not even conciously. Its like.. ok, I stepped back into the R and things got serious as we went to bed together, but I'm gonna make like my options are still open and I have choices (even if in fact, he doesnt).
I dont know about going dark, or ignoring his calls.. is that what you always would do? How about actually talking to him?? Confronting this, gently? Ask him what he meant by it? If you two are close enough to be sleeping with one another again..maybe its safe to have this kind of R talk??
If you ignore him...isnt that storing up problems for the future? But..hey, you know best!! Better than me, thats for sure. Thanks for the tips and validation ! Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thanks Ali & Lisa! (Jeff if you read this please speak on behalf of all men, and let me know WTF he might be thinking!)
Ali - I'm still struggling to work out why he would have said that too. The phone conversation I think was present tense. ie he still considers himself single. So you are right about the options above (e.g he's insensitive, testing me, or letting me know that he wants to be single but have his cake too!). If you have any insight about how I can steer this weird mother-son relationship towards something more healthy please let me know!
While I was driving to work I had a flash. What do you think about this as a theory?
I was thinking that the reason he rang me is to tell me about the conversation he had just had with his mum, so clearly it was important to him. Obviously his mum needs to back off and stop asking him such intrusive questions. I though that maybe he see me as a mother figure too, and therefore he needed to 'confess' to me like he had just confessed to his mum.
But now I think maybe he was telling me so that I could validate that he had done well to stand up to his mum, or be honest with his mum? Normally he would pretend that he was the 'good' son, and lie about issues, or he would avoid the conversation with her. So maybe it was really liberating for him to be able to tell her about his lifestyle, and for him not to feel 'naughty' about it??!?! And maybe he wanted me to tell him that I was proud of him for not hiding it (but he just didnt realise that I wouldnt be so keen on the porn / random women thing)?!?
At the moment that makes the most sense. What do you think?
But I'd still like to ignore him for a bit!! (Remember that not initiating R talks is a SUPER 180 for me - I am the queen of tedious relationship analysis, and talking issues to death!! And previously I always stepped towards him, and he backed away) And if its possible that he is testing me for a response, I'd like to not give him the satisfaction of knowing that it upset me - after all he doesnt know that this last year I've been DB-ing - I could have easily been addicted to porn and sleeping with random men myself!!! ha ha!! I will see when and if he contacts me. If he shows up with flowers chocolates and poetry I may bend the rule about ignoring him!
hi Essie, I haven't read up on your sitch yet, I was told you were in Aus too, I'll have a look through your thread tonight. good luck with everything.
t7-years m3-years Me:22 W:27 Wifes kids (love them like my own) D-10 D-7 Our Kids S-3
I like your theory about him opening up to you and wanting to get some validation and approval for his 180. That makes a lot of sense....
In terms of the validating, could you validate his open-ness at some point down the line? I mean, you want him to be open and honest with you, and it's great that he was. You may not have appreciated the content of what he said, but at least he was honest about it (I actually think that's a fantastic thing!!)
Hope you have a good day today Future Girl! (((((hugs)))))
I like your insight too. If it came suddenly that probably means it was true. I *personally* would be more offended about the sex with random women bit than the porn bit, but maybe that's just me. Do you really think he has been getting laid???? It sounds like he has been SUPER lonely. I mean if he couldn't find someone to go with him to the fireworks... could he really get in someone else's pants? Do you think he was actually communicating his BEHAVIOR, or just his idea of what he is "entitled to do"????
I'm with OD also on trying to validate his openness at some point. Right now I think it is OK to ignore him. But if I would try to reward any positive steps (especially if chocolate and flowers are involved)!
I'm wondering where you are and if you are OK! I hope you are just way too busy having fun! I'm sorry if anything I said was offensive, please let me know if I hurt you, it is the last thing I want to do!
When I read what your h told you it came across to me that maybe he was perhaps trying to show off a bit? Maybe in some bizarre teenage way shock/ have some kind of impact/ get a reaction out of you. It is kind of bizarre and reminded me of a few boys when I was at school- things like that was their way of flirting... my school was a bit weird and repressed! Personally I would just glide over it and not react.
Thanks girls for checking in on me... I dont know where to start, my emotions are so up and down, and I'm uncentered and undetached and its not good!
So after the "I can watch porn and sleep with other women conversation", I didnt initiate any contact. I ignored a text message sent on Wednesday night. But I dont think ignoring the text made H pursue me. On Friday I backed down, and asked him if he wanted to go to an Oktoberfest event. We agreed to meet on Sat aftenoon. I went to H's 'flat' beforehand for the first time. Its a total dive - disgusting. But I tried to think of the positives and told him I was impressed with how tidy he is keeping it. When we got there he told me that one of his mates was actually there too with another friend. So we met up with them which was nice - I felt like Oktoberfest was a true male bonding event. H's friends were SOOOOooo nice to me. They were fun. While H was getting drinks one of them danced with me - pulling a move (obviously drunk, but still flattering). H was still pretty attentive, but not as much fun as his friends. We held hands (initiated by me) walking back to the car, and then we went and watched a rugby game (180 for me, I kept my mouth shut and just watched the game). H hadn't shaved, which I take as a sign that he doesnt want to make out, or at the minimum it shows he hasnt taken much care with his appearance to impress me! H walked me back to my car and I left with lip kisses but not passionate kisses. We were close to H's house so he could have invited me in.
So the positives were * H paid for EVERYTHING, the whole night * We kiss naturally, like thats normal * If H's team one the game that we watched he talked about how he would fly me to Sydney next weekend to watch the game and we would stay in a flash motel
Negatives were * He didnt pull any moves or make any suggestions physically * I did all the initiating * No compliments
We interacted today, but I can hardly be bothered typing it! So over the drama. So confused. So dont know if H is going to be enough. So dont know if I am strong enough to keep doing this.... I want something fulfilling and this isnt, this is me playing a game and trying to be cool, and him being a dick and me pretending that its OK.
P.S Have ordered some books from amazon and I have read 2 (will read passionate marriage next T!). I'm getting confused about what my game plan is. AAAAAAHHHHHH! I thought I was supposed to be giving him room, but the books kind of swayed me and I started feeling sorry for H, and I think I stepped too far towards him and now he has backed off. See paragraph above for how crap this is making me feel.
