Dishonesty for over a year...almost ready to quit

[Betterman]

Well some of you may know me from way back. I have been out of the loop for a while now due to the fact that I believed my wife and I to be reconciled and growing as a couple. I have found out over the pst 5 months that this is indeed not the case.

Basically what has happened is that my wife cannot seem to let go of her relationships she has developed with OM(en) online while we were seperated (about 2.5 years). We have been "reconciled" for over a year now.

I have attempted to be patient, all the while knowing that she had still been in contact with OM(en) but especially another man who she had met on eHarmony and got fairly serious with.

When I knew that she was not being honest with me about her contact with him and the others, I confronted her on it. She lied to me about them. This happened over the course of several months and every time that she was confronted on it, she lied to me about them. EVERY time. Then she'd play the pity card and try to tell me she loved me and she was done with all of the and reassure me.

I did the DB stuff for a long time. Then I just started seeing that it wasn't working and that I was being played for a fool.

I'm tired of this. She has a real problem here. She just can't seem to let go of her men and can't seem to commit to me as her husband and sole partner. She seems to "need" the attention from these other men.

I have attempted to get her talking about it but every time that happens, she just says that there is nothing going on and plays the pity card. I get nowhere. Then sure enough, I find something else that she knows she should not be doing as a married woman.

I finally last week told her that if she doesn't stop this we're done. I can't do it anymore and shouldn't be expected to. Enough is enough. She either gets it straight or gets out. I have even offered to get counseling and to just talk honestly about what we need to do. But honest is not something she seems to be able to do with me. The trust i gone. I just don't have it for her any more.

I am at a total loss here people. I am just about ready to kick her out. And yes, that's the way it's gonna go down. I left last time when it wasn't really my problem. I'm not leaving again. If she wants to end this, she's gotta go, not me.

Any and all help appreciated.

Thanks!

My original sit:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=915673&page=2#Post915673

[smith18]

I remember reading your threads before. I liked the thing you did with the wrist band that supposed OM gave your W. I dont know what to say on how to proceed as it really is up to what you can stand. Her lies are probably worse to you than the actual contact with OM - I know that is how I felt. At least my W told me that if we did reconcile that she could not guarantee that she would not return to seeking the attention of OM. That made it an easy decision for me.

You rightly can make demands that she stop contact, but unless she is really commited to you, her habitual nature for attention of OM(en) may control her actions.

I do support you in taking the route of kicking her out if that is the choice you make. She is the one that has broken her vows in marriage.

[Betterman]

Just an update here (since no one seems to really be looking anyhow and I need to bump here) she agreed to go to counseling with me...finally. There are no solution-based therapists within reasonable distance here. So I am going to have to shop around. This should be interesting.

[smith18]

Great news! Good luck in finding a marriage counselor who is solution based.

BTW... Did you derive your handle name from the Wayne Levine book "Hold on to your N.U.T.s"?

[Betterman]

Actually the handle came from the Pearl Jam song, but the song itself has no relevance for me or my situation. It's basically my own moniker for the "better man" I became after all of this forced me to take a good, long, hard look at myself and undo alot of what I had done to myself over the years.

Plus if she can't see this, she doesn't deserve this man.

[No Longer BH]

BM (hehe, I cant but help but giggle at that) I can not even imagine the pain you must be going through. I have been told that unless our WAS are completely remorseful and willing to do what it takes to make the M work, then it is a false R. It sounds like she is using you to get her security while finding emotional support elsewhere. I think it is a good sign that she is willing to go to MC, but I would make it a deal breaker that if she does not become completely transparent then all bets are off. She is either in or out at this point. You have been going through this for such a long time. You have worked very hard to save your R. There comes a point where us LBS have to say enough is enough and just move on. I truly hope she can do the work needed to fix this, otherwise she is going to go from one R to another always seeking that emotional boost but never feeling complete. I am so sorry you have found yourself here once again.

Like I said, the fact that she is willing to do MC is still a really good sign. At this point you need to do what is best for you. If you can hang in a little longer without it doing emotional damage then do that. If it is too much then know that you tried, but she did not. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

[Betterman]

Oh, I gave the ultimatum. I hated doing it but I felt that I had no choice. I told her in no uncertain terms that unless she stopped this, it was over.

We still have yet to attend out first session. We're still shopping for a good person. She told me that she didn't want someone who wouldn't do everything to help us get past all of this stuff. Hopefully she's being honest and this will work.

[fightingirish]

betterman, Love that song btw... I'm sorry that your going through this yet again.. Yes firm boundaries are going to have to be set and transparency. That is the only way. If this is the last ditch effort to save this marriage, its' got to be this way.

Also give retro a thought. It has helped many, I can't say I've gone, but sara, and dr. love have experienced it and it does wonders. but she HAS to cut ALL contact with these OM...Ummm there's more than one???

Wow if that is true. Sounds also like she has some serious insecurity issues.

Hang in there for you and your kids..

Take care