Here I am... in a new spot!! I hope you find me!! I wanted to wait a while before starting a new thread, I was in a bad place in my mind for the first two weeks of school and wanted to wait until I was in a different place before I started a new post.
I have been reflecting a lot about what to do next. It seems like there are two options, but let me know if there are more than two! Option 1 is to continue to wait for him to contact me and give him a chance to reach out. Option 2 is to try to build up more consistent and meaningful communication by reaching out first myself.
They have both worked in different ways... when I had NC for five months he did reach out, and when I didn't respond immediately in June to his efforts to schedule a meeting he really escalated the communication. He has also seemed responsive to my efforts to reach out, though I feel the Overall Vibe from him the past few interactions has been Pulling Back for whatever reason. But maybe the two approaches aren't even that different.
My birthday is Sept 12th, I am wondering if I should wait until after that to reach out to give him a chance to reach out (NO EXPECTATIONS OF COURSE). It hasn't even been two weeks since I emailed him back the recipe he asked for, so I could wait longer to see if he does something...
Otherwise, working through a lot of stuff in my heart and mind about who I am, what I want to be, what I am doing now, etc etc etc etc. I have been extremely angry and tearful, frustrated and discouraged, about graduate school and also really missing B and feeling low about myself and what I've achieved in my time since moving to Atlanta to study. I got into several altercations with motorists on my bike, spent the last two fridays mostly in tears, and several days in a row crying myself to sleep. However Saturday I hauled my ass to yoga class and practiced, and Sunday practiced some more, so ... I am trying to realign from the inside out.
I had a dream a couple days ago that B told me he loved me, but in the dream he seemed angry. Not sure what this means (as usual), could be straight up freudian wish fulfillment!!!
As always, eager to hear your thoughts
OD thank you for telling me that you missed me, it made me want to start a new thread!!
Tough call! I' will have to think a bit on it. I think that you might have to push a bit more than would be "normal" for DBing, since he really may not know how you feel. Not that you want to hit him on the head with it, because I would not be surprised if that made him bolt. But I think you need to do enough so that he can figure it out on his own. But, how.......?
I was really hoping you were going to start a new thread. I was wondering how to contact you to ask?!
How would you feel if he didn't reach out to you on your birthday? What do you feel is right? I think Jeff made such a good point when he said that you need to do enough so he can figure it out on his own but not make him bolt. I think you have been doing a marvelous job so far, as he asked you for that recipe. He didn't have to do that and also showed that he thought of you in a positive way in his mind i.e. need to make some nice food, T is a great cook and would give me a scrummy recipe and I feel like I am on friendly enough terms to ask her.
They say a the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, is there a way you can build on his association of you and good food/ good cooking? Just an idea. What ideas did you have for reaching out? A meet up, an email, a phone call? I think he is responsive at the moment but unsure and taking it slow.
(((Jeff))) thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. it is totally possible that he has NFC that I still want him and love him. AS Kalni told me long ago I am trying to be encouraging by putting that special warmth into every interaction but who knows what he can feel???
(((Julia))) you are so sweet!! I will ask One Day to give you my contact info, then you can contact me whenever your little heart desires!!
I am sure if he didn't contact me on my birthday I will be disappointed no matter how much I try to have no expectations. I mean I would be pleased even if he just sent me a text message. Or since I sent him a funny ecard (thanks to Jeff's & OD's extensive help) he might choose to mirror me and send me an ecard. (There is part of my heart that fantasizes that he will show up on my doorstep and give me a big hug and lift me off the ground and tell me he made a terrible mistake BUT... even if that is going to happen it probably won't happen for a while!)
I have many, many ideas in terms of ways to reach out... should I list them or something??? there was a point where I was in Solution Seeking Overdrive, now that we are in contact I am trying to go with his flow a little more....
When I felt so bad for a while I was certain I shouldn't contact him until I was in a better place. Now that I'm in a better place it seems right to wait a bit longer to see if he reaches out. I think normally I would let it go about 3-4 weeks of NC before reaching out, so that he reached out less than 2 weeks since we saw each other, by emailing me, is actually kind of a big deal... an acceleration on his part, maybe?
Possibilities...that have already worked... -send him a link to something inspiring/beautiful/funny, with a couple sentences about what's going on in my life -call him and say, "i just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing"
things that I haven't tried yet... -a bit of a stretch: I want to see my genius cello repairman in Boston if I decide to buy this new cello so he can do some fine tuning. It's *possible* I could try to time it so it would be a weekend when B would be there (he usually spends the night in Boston on the way to & from his orchestra job in Maine). This would involve a plane ticket... but would be a possible way to see him before late Nov/Dec (though that is not essential) -he might be on tour in Kentucky some time this fall which is more "in my neighborhood" but still like a 4-6 hour drive or something. -try to ask him more questions in a friendly email, to try to start something more back and forth -send him a ridiculously zany gift
Am I thinking too inside the box here?
We had some pretty zany ideas a while ago including returning his stash of manly underwear to him one pair at a time, via mail...
Thank you for your suggestion that I could build up a connection via good food/good cooking. I thought it was *interesting* that he asked me for that recipe because we made it together many times (he actually picked it out and told me he wanted to make it with me, and then I loved it and made it over and over and over)! But I think his stereotype of me is that i'm obsessed with food and care too much about food, so I've tried to do a lil 180 and not care so much about food around him...????? MAYBE I AM OVERANALYZING HERE
OMG thank you anyone who actually read all of that!!!!
I'm glad I've found you again! Yay! I missed you too.
I'm going to do some serious thinking about something you could do to generate more interest from B... its a tricky one.
I think the key is to keep focusing on your amazing life and attract him back. So I dont think flying to Boston in the chance that you might see him will work.
Do you still have mutual friends who could tell B about something amazing that would make him want to contact you?? Something to make him jealous / curious, without it being another man?!?
you're totally right. I don't think this is the time for me to try some tricky flight plan--it's time for me to focus on finishing my degree so I can graduate in december!!
It means a lot to me that you are going to think about ways to generate his interest. My feeling is that I need to give him space to come to me... but be extremely encouraging and warm without scaring him away, when he does approach me.
i have NO IDEA about something amazing that would make him want to contact me...I will need to think that over!! I think part of the reason I was so extremely low for a couple weeks is because I was despairing about how I feel like my life is not so amazing right now. the closest I've come to that is mentioning the possibility of a new cello twice in two different emails, which for a musician is kind of like buying a new house or a car or even a small plane depending on the price, but he has not responded to that at all. Of course it is also intrinsically of more interest to me than to him.
Some possibilities that come to mind include... some kind of job lead information that would help him with his career (but he is way more in the loop than me on this one, being already in the epicenter of NYC); telling him about something amazing I achieved/created/did (honestly don't know how I would pull this off at this point, I am just trying to finish my damn degree); some combination of the above, along the lines of, "Oh, hey B, bjork/ yo yo ma/ jesus called me and wants me to record on their next album and they are also looking for a violinist so I thought I would give them your info"; or finding something really awesome that would make him want to talk about it with me, not even necessarily music-related...????
things I"ve tried to do already to generate interest include:
-absolutely nothing (NC) -looking damn hot in a completely new way (makeup, haircut, all new outfits, etc) -listening more, talking less -being somewhat mysterious -being positive about my life -reaching out with funny links and light phone calls -many small 180s during our interactions -and, of course, more subtle but maybe more important, the results of all the work I've been doing on myself to try to be a better person.
Essie, it means so much that you are thinking for me.... I am very excited to hear your ideas.
I think the reason that its so tricky is that basically you are doing everything 'right' and you just need to keep on keeping on.
Some thoughts that might spark his curiosity could be you getting an amazing music job, or creating your own CD / band. Or you heading overseas on a big trip (come and visit me!). But those things are things that you need to do for yourself anyway not because they might possibly generate interest. I'm trying to think of things that would be significant enough that other people would start talking about 'hey did you hear that T is going to be playing for the Queen in November'? or 'hey did you hear that T is going to attempt to swim to Australia in December?'
Is there anything you want to achieve and dreams or goals that you have, that you have possibly put on hold because you are waiting to see what happens with B? I know its unlikely cause you are doing so many cool things.
The long distance thing is hard hey?
You know I kind of like that you might just pick up the phone and call him to say hi. Comfortable conversation just to see how he is.
OK, so I heard back from B, he emailed me just a few minutes ago....
Transformer,
Thanks for the recipe. Sadly, we didn't get a chance to do it while at my parents (4 to 6 hours? I forgot how much time the tomatoes took!). But I'll be doing it soon. I like the option of leaving it over night... That is so cool you might be getting a new cello! Congratulations! I hope you have a good time searching - it can be such a headache: there is so much pressure to find the "right" instrument. But at the same time it can open up so much of one's playing because of the new sounds, deeper sonorities, colorful textures, ease of playing... it is so exciting! So, I wish you the best of luck, and happy hunting
Best,
BXXXX
I don't know what to think... I feel kind of sad and disappointed or something... like we are playing some weird game. His email was almost exactly (possibly to the minute) 2 weeks after my reply. He sounded enthusiastic about my possible new cello, and making pasta salad, overall the email is very positive vibes. but no info at all about what's going on in his life other than he might be making the pasta salad soon...???? His email is I think one full line longer than the one he sent back to me????
I can't tell if he is being cold, or if just seems that way because it is on email and he's trying to find a way to be "friendly" without being the way we used to be....??? which is also what my own emails probalby sound like???
I don't really know what to do. I mean it's good he got back to me. But is this kind of contact actually rebuilding any kind of connection? It's so hard for me to read.
Before I was thinking I should just wait some length of time and then phone him....
Thank you SO MUCH for your thoughts and encouragement!!! I would love to create my own CD/band or get an amazing music job!!! and I would love to come to visit you!!! You make me laugh about swimming and the queen!
thank you for saying that I am doing so many cool things. sometimes I don't feel like it because all I'm really doing right now is going to school, playing my cello, grocery store, yoga class, occaisional muffin making, tutoring math students... crying myself to sleep!!!
there are a lot of goals and dreams I have that are on hold right now... maybe just as much because of graduate school than b. the biggest one is probably being creative as a musician and making new things instead of just focusing on getting better technically.
other things that I would love to do would be... do an anusara yoga intensive go on a meditation retreat at a thich nhat hahn monastary place travel to italy and eat amazing food in the countryside go back to bali and perform cello-gamelan pieces (AND STOP IN AUSTRALIA ON MY WAY OVER) move to london and live on a barge with my cello etc etc etc!!!!
but I'm not sure if any of these would you know, get people talking, even though the world of musicians is apparently quite small
I will do some more listening to my heart... and get back to you on that.
