It Hurts Bad!!

[twinhope]

Need advise! My sitch is as follows: M-30, H-30, TwinD-2, M-6, T-14. Problems started in 12/07 H had an EA over the phone. H was unhappy about a number of things. His feelings were changing over night and the blame game started. Everything was my fault and issues are a moving target.

He left the house in May and has been gone ever since. I found out shortly after he left of a new EA possible PA. I now believe it is a full blown PA with a 21yr old from his work. I have not confronted this situation and I am acting "as if". This is the hardest thing ever to do.

I have been DBing my butt off! I saw some baby steps about 4 wks ago. He came over to visit 1st time in 3 months and he said he missed me, cares about me alot, afraid our friends are ruining the chances of him doing a 180. Now he is back to his new self of not wanting anything to do with me. He doesn't help with the house or dogs. He acts like this house really does not exist. He has visitation with the girls but I have reached out to him on a number of occasions for extra time and he always has plans. It is funny that he complains to me how much he misses them but when given the opportunity he stays to play with friends. It is soooo frustrating.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me. He has not asked for a D. Doesn't talk about it really. He keeps saying that the law gives us a year so we don't make any bad decisions. I think he is getting fed by his new gf he has told me nothing of her. I believe she is "in love" with him. This is so hard I just want to beat both of them silly!

[sandi2]

Hi twinhope, don't give up if you don't get a response immediately. The weekends are kind of slow. I would suggest that you visit the MLC forum and see if you think your H could be going through MLC.

The more you can tell us about your stitch, the more we can help. The more you post to others, the more responses you will get.

Keep coming back and don't give up. I take it that you have read the DR book? It is the best! Read the other threads and get information and advice from them.

Take care of yourself....most of all. I guess some folks may get tired of seeing me post this list, but I'm going to send it to you anyway b/c it is a guide.....or a short-cut to DBing. It is for those living under the same roof or apart, but it cuts to the chase. It's kind of long, but here it is and I hope it will help:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turn the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing your spouse back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words, but don't sound rude. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill, b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[Molly44]

Wow I needed that list about 5 weeks ago.

Keep posting it.

Can I call spouse if it is about stuff other than R or should I just deal with what comes up and seem competent ?

[SunnySeason]

Hi TH,

Could you please give a little more information, i.e.;

What does he mean by "afraid our friends are ruining the chances of him doing a 180."

There was no contact for 3 months?

You've come to a great place to gain support, insight, & a safe place to vent when you feel the need to.

As someone reminded me today & it may be in Sandi's post, "Believe none of what they say & half of what they do."

Weekends are a bit slow, so don't be discouraged by the lack of response.

Take Care,

Sunny

[sandi2]

Hi Max, I have not read your stitch, but will try to get that worked in my schedule. However, as a rule of thumb, we do not call our S about anything unless it is absolutley necessary, for example...business matters or the children. It is easy to use the kids and things around the home, etc. to call the S, but if you can keep from it, it would be best to show that you are independent and will be just fine. That is part of acting "act if". Otherwise, it comes across as being needy and clingy. Neither gender of WAS's like to see that in the LBS. It is a complete "turn off" for them. So, act sharp, competent, sassy and cool. Don't take zip off of him and look hot enough to kill him when he sees you! (lol) Whatever you do, don't have a meltdown in front of him. Keep it together and act poised and graceful (even if you want to be a b*tch). Remember......"classy" all the way! Give him a good picture of you to take away with him that will linger on in his mind.

Don't call, email, or text. He needs to miss you and he can't miss you if you are always doing these things. So, stay away for now as much as you can, but when the two of you do have to meet......look blow him away with your confidence! That is the sexiest thing a woman can do......be confident. (According to what all the men say!)

Take care,
Sandi

[Trying2live]

Wow I agree twinhope!
Sandi2 I really like this list can you come to my thread and post it or can I copy and paste it? Everyone on my thread would really really like this. Gives really great direction.

TwinHope just don't bottle your feelings. It does hurt bad! i cry at night when the munchkins are asleep or gone or my personal favorite-the shower. Then I pick myself and keep going, music really helps me or walking or going to gym or salsa lessons. I still have very sad moments and I let myself have them for a bit and then keep going. But it's amazing what singing along to your favorite music will do. And it always helps me to get things into perspective I have my kids(for now since there is exposure to the kids he does not want to have them around the OW because my kids wanna hurt her-sorry I guess it's normal??) anyways my kids are physically healthy and we have each other. Sorry for blabbing