keeping my sanity

[hope3343]

Hello DBs,
I am a newbie to this website. My H and our daughter moved to Texas 2 years ago. This was my first move and was actually living in the home town I grew up in. Our marriage, which has been dying day by day, is collapsing. My H after 20 years has told me he wants a divorce. Even though I know and ignored the problems we were having I want to not only save our marriage but help it to thrive. I was neglient in his feelings and we both stopped trying years ago. Also I was very homesick for about year and 1/2 and he said he was tired of me complaining and that I missed my family. I have recently found out that there is OW involved that is a co-worker, not just a co-worker but works for him. He told me he is not in love with me. Of course I tried guilt and pleading and it did not work and all it did was set up more barriers. We both work for the same company and actually see each other every day through meetings and work related issues. I am trying to hold it together. I have no one here to confide in since we know all the same people. He has recently started looking for furnished apartments. I know this OW has had a strong influence on him and sometimes when he talks I know it is her words. I have found a MC that I have met with twice, and he has gone on his own twice also. What I thought would be to work on the marriage but it seems he is going so we will have an amicable divorce. We will be meeting together as a couple next week but he does not want to work on the marriage. I found out about DB searching on the internet. I have had my second session with Jody who makes great sense. My problem is that I start to follow the techniques for a day then I lose my temper and blast him. I get so mad sometimes I want to turn them both into HR and get them fired but then I remember my daughter and I cannot do that. I have been reading other members postings and some have helped me. I need to really try and stick to this program or I think all else will be lost. My H looks like hell (which sometimes makes me happy depending on my outlook) but then I think he is making himself miserable just stay and try to work things out. The best/worst part I am in a state where it is community property and my savings plan is 5x more than his. He is acting like a spoiled child racking up debt on his credit card and now asking that when he moves he wants 40K from my savings plan because he has bills. Since he has no value in himself he places value on buying things. He recently had some work issues and turned 49. I think he is in the throes of a full life mid-life crisis. I want to hang on and I need strength. I need to really follow the 7 steps and will meet with Jody again in the coming weeks. It is difficult for me because I am a fixer and controller and now I feel helpless. I have been GAL these past weeks by losing weight (so easy when the bomb goes off), and walking the beach at night. Everytime I see him he tries and draws me into about the apartments he is looking at etc. It is killing me. Would like to hear from others. This is going to be a wild ride and once my family hears about it they will try and pull me in all directions.

______________________
M 52
H 49
D 15
D 28
I'm not happy 7/26

[1hope]

Hello Hope3343,

I don't know if you still check here. I see that you began this post 9/3 but I just found it and thought that I would reach out.

I am the same age as you, although my H is younger than yours. Some of what you wrote here, and as responses to others, does sound like MLC to me.

My sitch is some different than yours, but some the same. In any event, you have come to a good place to vent and get good advice.

He told me he is not in love with me.

Most of them say that. My H said that. Believe nothing that they say and only half of what you see.

I have no one here to confide in since we know all the same people.

Come here to confide. The people here really saved my life! You will meet many wonderful and caring people. People that have gone thru the same things as you.

He has recently started looking for furnished apartments.

My H did too. He also talked constantly of divorce. When he did this I would usually say something like I want you to be happy, but I do not want a D. Then I would go into another part of the house and get busy with something. For a couple of months it seemed that I was doing nothing but fleeing him in our own house. Sometimes I would say, I won't talk about this now, or I will discuss it with you tomorrow. Needless to say, that tomorrow never came.

Each sitch is different, but still, you don't have to give him permission to move out or to end your marriage. You don't have to help him do it either.

I know this OW has had a strong influence on him and sometimes when he talks I know it is her words.

Oh yeah! My H had an EA/PA? with one of our friends. The W of one of his best buddies! I would often hear her words come out of his mouth. As the R became more intense, his actions became someone that I didn't even know. Very quickly I found that I was living with a stranger.

he does not want to work on the marriage.

Again, my H said the same thing. He also refused to see a MC.

I start to follow the techniques for a day then I lose my temper and blast him.

I did this too. Be patient and kind to yourself. This is terribly painful. Learn from each experience and then keep going. Keep reading the DR book.

He is acting like a spoiled child racking up debt on his credit card

again, sounds like MLC. They often spend huge amounts of money. You need to look into protecting yourself in this area, if you can.

It is difficult for me because I am a fixer and controller and now I feel helpless.

Most of the folks on this bb are fixers. That's why we are all here. It's not a bad thing, but you have to realize that you can't "fix" him, you can't control him. This is all about him. All you can do is work on you and be the best "you".

There are tactis that you can practice to help prevent him from drawing you into anything that you don't want to do....keep reading, and did I mention read the DR book?

This will probably be the wildest ride that you have ever been on. So buckle up. It will also probably be the hardest thing that you have ever done.

There are lots of caring people here to help you. So hang on and keep breathing.

Take care.

______________________
M 52
H 49
D 15
D 28
I'm not happy 7/26
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