Frank, I'm really right there with you as far as my fluxuating feelings are concerned. I had no idea that setting my boundaries would cause my husband to go dark. In your case, your wife did just the opposite. It's amazing how life often works, isn't it?
Yeah, it is. I really think she's slowly working her way 'out' of the relationship. A lot of people say that she doesn't act like someone who wants to get divorced but I think she just doesn't know HOW to get divorced and is taking 'baby steps' out of the nest.
stop asking yourself if she really wants to get divorced.
the way things are right now...why would she want to???
she can have pretty much everything she wants form you and the OM...until one of you presses for more there is no reason for her to file or change the status quo
any hope you have for saving yoru marriage should NOT come from her actions
she has checked out she is nice to you because it is easier for her
she could live this way forever can you Frank???
this is your journey one you may not have voluntarily started but one you are on
she is not your travel campanion just someone else whose journey happens to intersect yours every now and then
In reading your posts I decide to tell you a story, one I posted on my thread in the short version. The story is my sister's life...I hope it helps.
My sister married very young. Her husband was pretty much a screw up, but a likable one. They were young so you never know. They were pretty happy and had three children. Well, about the time the youngest was 6 months old, I got a knock on my door. It was my sister, kids in tow. Her husband dropped her off and left for parts unknown. Just gone. No address, no phone, no nothing. Even the state couldn't find him. Now that's a WAS.
My sister had to wait 2 years for a default divorce as her husband never surfaced. My parents helped her out a bit, but she ended up on welfare. Slowly she dragged herself back up, got a home, a job, and went on with her life. During that time she met a nice man and fell in love. She married her 2nd H about a month before I married my H...27 years ago this week. Okay so about now you may be thinking.. ah WAS and happy ever after...but wait. Life being life, not so easy.
Soon after my sister remarried she was diagnosed with MS. Her life began to suffer. Within a few years she began an affair with a married man. I don't know if her 2nd H ever knew. She ended the affair eventually, and life went on. By now her middle D was about 16. This D was also diagnosed with MS. Over the next few years my sister was getting worse physically and more and more depressed as time went on. Financial things got worse as did her depression. Well, low and behold who should show up, you guessed it, H#1. And, oh yes, my sister ran off with him.
So here we are, almost 20 years later and she's off with the guy who dumped her at my door. Now here's the thing. During that time my sister kept telling me how happy she was. How H#1 was the love of her life, how they could talk, how great the sex was, her marriage was dead, blah blah blah. I saw them together during this time and who knows? I couldn't tell you. I can say this, he hadn't grown up in 20 years. My sister divorced, lost her home, and was sure this was it. Her 1st love had come home.
Well, surprise surprise they lasted a year. She now lives with her 2nd H again and has been with him the last 8 years. They never remarried, but have been happy these years. She can't say enough about him. He is a saint in her eyes. He stood by her.
So what is all this say to me and maybe to others? WASs walk away and keep going. Depressed people do crazy things. And you never know what the future will bring.
During the time my sister was off in LA LA land with her WAS (H#1), she not only convinced herself she was happy and making the right choice, she convinced everyone else, even me. I remember this and bare it in mind when listening to friends or family in my sitch. I remember all the stories of how great it all was for her. Now when I ask her about this time, she can't remember why she left, but tells me she always knew she would go back to H#2. Who knows if it was true, but it sounds good. What I do know is she is happier now than she has even been in her life, though she is physically very weak. She has suffered a major heart attack and spent a year in the hospital afterwords. Her 2ndH has held strong by her side through all of it. BTW, her 1st H has passed away.
So all I can say Frank, is live your life. Live your life today. We can not control what others do. Sometimes people really do do things because of who they are and it really isn't about us or our marriage. In the end time will always win out, reality will always win out. We have no say in what others do and sometimes they have no clue why they are doing the things they do, really.
Live your life. Let others live theirs. No one knows or can know what the future holds.
So here's a tearjerker. My W's grandma is a sweet loving old lady who I got on the internet and have been paying the $12.95 per month for modem access.
Neither her or W's mom have spoken to me or e-mailed me since the bomb. I think they just don't know what to say.
I sent her an e-mail telling her that she probably needs to pay the bill herself from now on since we won't be 'family' any more. I told her I'll miss her (she lives a ways away) and I appreciate how good she's been to me. I told her if she ever needed help she could call me.
It was hard to write that, realizing that the next time I ever see her will probably be in a casket.
We lose so much. This is all the 'family' I really have. My family are long gone.
At least I have a good relationship with her dad and his wife.
I sent her an e-mail telling her that she probably needs to pay the bill herself from now on since we won't be 'family' any more. I told her I'll miss her (she lives a ways away) and I appreciate how good she's been to me. I told her if she ever needed help she could call me.
Why in hell's bells would you do that to a "sweet, loving old lady"???
In my opinion it was a hateful thing to do to her because old people are typically very sensitive to family breakups. Do you know why that is? It's because THEY FREAKIN GET IT. They understand the loss and the far reaching effects that will be passed through each damned generation to come.
This latest move of yours seems real self-centered.
Examine your motivations closely, Frank. Preferably BEFORE you make anymore moves like that.
I think you are trying to get a reaction from your wife by trying to "appear" more detached than you actually are.
And don't tell me you did it for financial reasons either because $12.95 a month ain't gonna break you if you did it for a few more months.
I know what you mean. At first I felt the same way about my H's family. Why don't they call me or my son? Then I decided to call them. I realized most of my H's family just felt weird about the whole thing. They didn't mean to reject me, they just weren't sure how I would feel about talking to them. I decided that although I may not have a connection with some of my H's family much anymore they are still my son's family. As his Mom I wanted to make sure that door is still open for him. By calling them and accepting them as my son's family, things were easier. I also made a point of not talking about my marriage. They are still family through our children. Plus they are my friends.
My H's sister was the one person that went out of her way to call me a lot. But then we always got along well as friends.
Other friends..same story. Some are closer to me, some to my H, some like both, and some I just don't trust. All in all I decided it was up to me to decide who I want to remain friends with and be a friend to as a result. Some said no thanks just by never getting back to me. Oh well...
So I would say hang onto that grandma... and bring the kids. You can befriend anyone you please. You want to pay her internet bill, why not? You don't have to be married to her granddaughter to be nice to her.
