New month, new strategy

[istherehope]

Hi,

Just thought I'd kill off the old thread, and start September with something different. So I'll give a recap to the last thread.

For anyone who's been following my saga, you'll know that I've had a pretty hard time with everything partially because I'm out of the country during this separation period. This means that I've done a great job in giving physical space to my H because I have no choice. I've also recently gotten better about giving mental and emotional space, by never initiating contact unless it's urgent, not forwarding loads of emails etc. H has noticed these things and has commented.

However last week I had a backslide where when H sent me a conflicted email about how he didn't know whether he could be with me and make me and him happy, I called him, and basically said everything one isn't supposed to say, "don't tear our life apart", "don't shut the door on this,", "we haven't really even tried yet", "I'm willing to be patient and wait while you work on yourself" etc. This was of course very bad, and we had a joint coaching session the next night where he said he could make no guarantees, and also said that the call was very pressuring, and I was basically giving him a list of options for the ways in which we could get back together, as well as giving him a pep talk. At least on the session I got to concede that I understood this, and he thanked me for being so nice.

Since then we've had one IM talk, last night, that was fairly light-hearted, nothing serious, only a discussion about the budget, what we both did on Saturday etc.

Now I've realized that even my nice, light-hearted emails have mostly had some element of pressure. A light has gone off that I have still been asking for future reassurances, a sign of commitment etc. I am paranoid because I am going home in about 6 weeks, and at this point he has said that he's panicking about being under the same roof as me, and doesn't think he can do it. This means I have 6 weeks to try and demonstrate that this won't be a bad thing, and that we don't need more time apart. This will need to come from him though, as if I suggest anything, it is automatically unacceptable.

My new tactic is to look at each and every email I send with greater scrutiny, to make sure that I never use the future tense when referring to anything, to never talk about the M at all, and definitely not to ask him when he wants to see me. I did a 180 by sending him an email saying that we should spread out joint sessions more (no response on this one yet), and I'm doing a 180 by going to Dublin for 2 days, only sending him my itinerary and saying I need to get stuff from the house, but not asking to see him at all. My hope is that he will not send me any more conflicted emails about his confusion, but if he does, my new tactic is to ignore anything negative, and respond only to the parts that are somewhat positive.

H thinks that I need some kind of a schedule for contact, and I have told him I don't. However I think he is going to start calling me more, he has already said he'll try to call on Wednesday. My plan is not to take his call, or to take it and ask can we not speak later as I'm in the middle of something. I think in order for him to want me back in the house, he is going to need to think that I really don't feel the need to be in the house. In order for him to want to work on the M, I think he is going to need to feel that I have stopped trying to work on the M. He's felt like a passive partner in the marriage, and even though this isn't my fault completely, it does mean that anything I want seems to be almost automatically something he doesn't want. He needs to feel like he's in charge of everything if there is any chance I think.

If we do see each other in Dublin, he will need to initiate where and when. All I can do is be light and happy, not talk about the R (and hope he doesn't either), and end the evening early.

So, I have my work cut out for me over the next 6 weeks...

ITH

[istherehope]

I also want to add to this that I've been going through some old threads on the DB board, and it looks like that what people who are successful here tend to have in common is a positive outlook, a willingness to focus on the positives in the situation. I need to try to do this too!

ITH

[JCJ]

ITH

I think you are doing amazingly well. The thing I would say is that you may have to accept that this will carry on after the 6 weeks, when you return from Poland.

This means I have 6 weeks to try and demonstrate that this won't be a bad thing, and that we don't need more time apart. This will need to come from him though, as if I suggest anything, it is automatically unacceptable.

You need to drop the rope hun. You have no control and just because he set this original time limit doesn't mean he will be sorted by then. In fact, I think he has been preparing you for the fact that he may not by saying it will take longer. I'm really sorry if my words have upset you at all but I think you have to look at this realistically and realise that what is working is you not pressurising and you being understanding of his needs and if he needs longer you need to accept that if you want to carry on with this.

I am not trying to be negative as I see so much good and hope in your situation, truly I do. He is initiating contact with you and not cut off all ties. He has shown willingness to work on the relationship which is what you have asked for and also shown consideration for you by offering the schedule as he thought that would help. Now in return you need to give him back what he is asking for. Space and time to sort himself out. That is not giving up on the relationship; you are just being a good wife by understanding and allowing his needs.

Post your emails here first for a while if you want. I did this for ages, and still do, as I realised all my messages to my h were pressurising. This is such a great resource to use for this.

I don't know what you have been advised re your call on Wednesday but I would personally take it. You don't want to be obstructive and you also want to reward good behaviour. You could maybe make yourself busy on Wednesday night and then you would be genuinely GALing and not fretting so you are not waiting for the call if, or if it doesn't happen. Or, go out and call him back later but if he has arranged with you to call then it may seem a bit off if you are out? Just my thoughts...

I really like your plan for Dublin but do you need to tell him your itinerary? You can just say I will be there from Wednesday to Saturday (or whenever it is). That's all; leave it to him then to contact you. You strike me as someone who likes to plan and stick to it. Would it be a 180 to be more casual and laid back about it?

(((ITH)))

[istherehope]

Hi JCJ,

Thanks!

Regarding Dublin, I need to tell him when I'm planning to go to the house, as I assume he won't want to be there given the things he's said about being under the same roof as me. This will give him the option to be there or not be there. I only have 1.5 days, so have to go right away and pick up my green card...Other than that specific timing though, you're right I'll just say something like "I'm going to be in town Monday afternoon through Wednesday, and I am planning to come by the house Monday around 1230 PM to pick up some stuff and see the pets. Let me know if there are any issues with the timing."

Jody said I should try playing the game of cat and mouse more with my H, as he clearly wants to be in control, and it will be a real 180 for me not to always be receptive to him, not to always be anxiously waiting around for him to make a move. He didn't give me a specific time on Wednesday to call, so unless he IMs me earlier in the day to set one up, I think I will just plan to go to the gym (my one true form of GAL at the moment)on Wednesday evening, and if he calls outside of that time, I will take the call. Maybe it was a bit harsh of me to say that I was fine and didn't need a schedule, when he was actually making an effort...however I really actually don't need a schedule. I'd rather feel that he calls me when he wants to call me, and not because he said he'd make a schedule. At this point I can't be sure, so I'd like everything to come from him.

He is trying to prepare me for the fact that he will want more time apart, but I think he's also trying to get back at me in a way. He originally said he wanted 6 months, and I said I could go away for 3. He says he is taking things one day at a time, but he's already projecting out into October. I guess what I'm saying about when I get back is that I want him to at least be open to the idea that maybe he can have space and time under the same roof as me and not completely shut down about it already. I won't pressure him about it, but I would like him to at least be open to it, as we do need to start spending time together to see if things are going to work out. From my perspective too, which I can't tell him, I have stock money in October meant to go towards his school (since we always shared finances). I just can't do this if things are up in the air. We just won't have the money for another apartment either. I can't count on my employer to put me up again...I'm in the awkward situation of being an expat in a country I wouldn't want to stay in if things weren't going to work out, so I would hope he would be in a position to be a bit more flexible, but I know I can't force anything. I just also believe that we will be in a much better position to have a chance at fixing the M if we are under the same roof. Anyway I am really trying not to think that far out too, and Jody says a whole lot can happen in that time frame, and even in 2 weeks, so I am going to try to stick to 1-2 week timeframes now and see how this works for me...I am getting sick just thinking about October now...

OK thanks for posting. I am trying to be positive now in all of my thoughts and posts, and I really appreciate you mentioning the positives that you see. It really helps for someone impartial to notice those things.

I hope you're having a good day!

ITH

[daisy282]

Hey ITH

Just wanted to pop in and see how you are doing. It looks like you have a new strategy and it looks good to me. I think that the next 6 weeks are going to be tough but it does help to try and stay positive like you mentioned. I think a lot can happen between now and the time you go back home. I also wonder how much of his contacting you is really for his sake and not for yours as he claims. He might be using your perceived needs to cover for the fact that he just misses you and wants to talk to you. I find it especially interesting that he shares details about his daily life with you. My hubby doesn't even do that!

So all in all you have a lot of hope and a lot of work. But you can do this!

Stay strong.

[LolaL]

I have to tell you that is one of the things that worked for me, not being available all the time. It really wasn't intentional because I am not one who can avoid picking up the phone (<~~~phone attached to ear lol) but I started shutting the ringer off. Now, I did call back, sometimes within a few minutes, and sometimes when I saw an hour and a half later. But the thing is they are looking to control the entire sitch, and that is not fair. You should be allowed to control your life.

[istherehope]

(((Daisy))), (((Lola))),

Thanks for your posts.

Daisy, yes new strategy new month...I can do this! It's true, not sure how much him contacting me is about him vs. me. Contact has never really slowed down, and a part of me thinks he's afraid of losing me, like I will leave for sure if he makes no effort. Anyway it's impossible to speculate and I certainly won't ask! He's changed so much in the last 2 weeks alone, really started to come out of depression, so new things could happen relatively quickly (just pray they are M friendly things!).

Lola, this is a hard one because I do think I should let my H take the lead on a lot of things, as it is true that I dominated, even if unintentionally. I also want him to feel manly if that makes sense, since he seems to be questioning whether he could make a good husband. However you're right about me getting to control my own life. This is why Dublin will be such an exciting thing if it plays out right--me taking a trip home, coming by the house, choosing the dates and times that suit me, and not organizing anything with him. I have found being unavailable to work well too, but only on Sundays for some reason. He's become a real creature of habit these last few weeks. When and if he starts actually calling regularly instead of just sending IMs, then I may try the ringer off trick as well, because, like you, I hate not to answer my phone...

ITH

[daisy282]

Hey ITH

I think that the next 6 weeks will be a lot of the 2 steps forward and 1 step back. He does seem to be coming out of his funk a little and that means it is even more important for you to keep up your GAL and PMA so that he will start to see it even more since he is starting to become more aware of what is going on in your relationship. Does that make sense?

Have you ever checked out that book I recommended awhile back The Surrendered Wife? It might be hard to find in a foreign country but it is worth a read. I think it could help you a lot with establishing boundaries in your relationship and those could come in handy now and even more so when you move back to Dublin. I found/find it really helpful to sorting this stuff out in my head which is starting to make it's way into my actions.

I think you are doing really well.

[istherehope]

Thanks Daisy,

It does make sense that now that he actually is aware that there IS a relationship (he really was that far gone before), I need to be even more cognizant of my own behaviors. He's not out of the woods yet, but I think, knowing him, that in another 7-10 days he will be miles ahead of where he is now. He is absolutely amazing in the way he's coped with depression. I can't imagine feeling that bad and working out 6-7 days per week, going to work, eating well, not drinking, and reading self-help books! Seriously I think we could all take some clues from my H in terms of how to self-heal :). Let's just hope he's willing to give the M the same chance!

I haven't been able to find that book in Poland, but when I'm in Dublin, I will look for it. I need some new books like this anyway. I have read DR and Venus and Mars sooo many times already!

Thanks for cheering me on. New month, new strategy, new attitude. I am going to try and remain positive no matter how hard this seems!

ITH

[istherehope]

OK,

No updates this morning. Feeling a bit panicky today, so trying to get this out here vs. sending H an email. I didn't hear from him at all yesterday, but I know he was traveling for work. Today he has business meetings, but I really hope he'll at least check in and tell me he got to South Africa safe and sound. I'm really trying to take this a few days at a time now. I can't say 1 day at a time yet as I'm not quite there, but I am trying to think less and less far out. I still haven't heard back from him on whether he wants to push out our joint sessions. I thought he'd be thrilled and jump on this. The lack of response is a bit strange...of course I hope it means that he actually does want to keep having the sessions, but with him I just can't assume anything right now.

We had an unexpected very large debit come out of our bank account, so I don't think I'll be going to Stockholm this weekend like I'd planned, which makes me feel a bit sad about another weekend here in Wroclaw, but I'm going to try and hang on. I think things will start moving more quickly soon with me going to Dublin, but again, this remains to be seen.

OK trying to stay positive. I can make it through today, with or without reassurance from H.

ITH