No Communication...Write a letter?

[germ04]

Have any of you who have had no contact with their WAW ever had the urge to just write a letter?

I have had this urge lately. I haven't talked to her in over 8 months. It's been a very painful time. She never explained her actions or apologized either. We are divorced and have a clause in our agreement to prevent most contact. Through research, I found out she was having bisexual affairs. But I never got any explaination from her. I also hold out some hope still that we could reconcile. Her behavior was so different from the girl that I knew. I have to think that something was really hurting/wrong with her. I am still hurting. People tell me to move on but I feel I can't. I love her still and I forgive her. I loved being married. I know I fell short of being a perfect husband. This experience has purified me. In my heart, I see her like a prodigal who needs to come home. I forgive her everyday. And I miss her despite the pain I am feeling of being deceived and hurting.

Any advice/experiences good or bad would be appreciated.

[Kimmie Lee]

I have no advice, but I feel exactly as you do.

I have the urge to write a letter too, but what good could it possibly do? On the other hand, how could it hurt any more than it already does?

If WAS's really wanted to come back, nothing in the world would stop them. They really wanted to leave, and nothing could stop them then, right?

We will probably never find out "why?", and we will continue to hurt, and we will continue to hear that we "must move on."

It will matter until it doesn't, and it really sucks.

[seekpeaceofmind]

I think it depends. . . . Most advice will be not to write a letter - or, at least, not to send it. I did write my H a letter after months of silence. I needed to express some of my own thoughts on our M. There were things that I had hoped to deal with in MC that just didn't get explored. Our MC was very brief and very disappointing. The reason I felt my letter was OK is b/c it was about me - basically I apologized for the things that I felt were my responsibility and I made a point of not attacking or blaming him. He has his own issues - but I wasn't dealing with those, I just wanted him to know about my commitment to him/M and my willingness to take responsibility for myself. I needed to know that I had made that effort and I was never going to get a chance to talk it out with him. I didn't want to have regrets hanging over my head. As expected, he never responded in anyway - I know he got the letter b/c I handed it to him, but I told him that he didn't need to answer, I just needed to get some stuff out. Again - I kept it as positive as I could and did not ask him to do anything. I worked on this letter for a long time - started it, set it aside, edited it - and then discussed w/ my C before I gave it to him.

I think if your intent w/ a ltr is to get answers or berate the WAS, then don't do it. If it is to show love and self-awareness, then it probably wouldn't hurt. You can't really be accused of pursuing by sending 1 ltr in 8 mos.

But the no contact order sounds kind of ominous, so that needs to be taken into consideration, too.

[scrappy]

It is very therapeutic to write a letter. You can keep it or give it to them. Either way proof it several times and hold on to it for a day or two to make sure you are comfortable with what you wrote. I have written letters that are just a part of my journaling that I started when the bomb was dropped and others that I have given to my STBX. Writing a letter allows me to say what I need to in the most articulate way possible, without interruption or loss of thoughts, etc. When you have a discussion, things don't always come out like you wanted them to and/or the other person isn't listening or may just not hear what you are saying. A letter is something they can read over and over. Each time they read it, they probably will get something new out of it. I, also, feel like I spend most of the time not pursuing my STBX and there are times when I really just want to say what I am feeling, even if it falls in the pursuing category! This may or may not be the right thing, but it is important to me that my STBX knows how I feel. I can see that for some it may be wiser not to give the letter to the other person. Of course, some letters are best not given and should stay in your journal or torn up! Whether you hold on to them or give them to your STBX is something you will have to decide for yourself. Good luck!