Not a bad day so far in fact I am really pissed off today at H over this whole thing, which is good, because I don't think I have gotten really mad yet. I have been so focused on doing what I can to save our marriage, but you know I am really pissed right now.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Wanting to save the marriage is a good thing....focusing on that is a good thing. Feeling pissed may help you formulate your plan. Use that emotion to do that.
I have been really giving into to the hopelessness feelings lately. The "why bother with it anymore, I am begining to not even care what he does anymore" feelings. My church's website emails a scricpture every morning to members and todays was all about that, not giving in to those kinds of feelings and that kind of stuff, kind of like fate it trying to let me know to hang on for a little while longer. Did not call H today at all, he called me twice though. Was not supposed to work tonight, but now he is, which is good because we despretely need the money, but it would have been nice for the kids to spend a little time with him. Oh well. Taking things day by day, decided not to confront him about the calls face to face and will write it down instead. this way he cant promise me something and then I just get hurt. Not sure when I will give it to him but I at least I am thinking about what to do.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Looking forward to the weekend. H was supposed to come to family bingo night at the kids school, called to say he can't make it. He sounds depressed. Going to do a big house clean this weekend and start to get my own life together.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Yes! Good plan. Show him and yourself that you are a person that anyone would want to be with..... Don't wait on him, make your own plans. He will notice.
Feeling better today. H was at least honest with me this weekend, what he told me was not great but it felt a relief to hear some real honesty from him. Before he left to go to work yesterday, he said "please hang on, I know I am not doing everything right and you have every right to hate me but I hope you can still love me." I am not entirely sure what he means, but it was nice to hear some real honesty.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Feeling better today. H was at least honest with me this weekend, what he told me was not great but it felt a relief to hear some real honesty from him. Before he left to go to work yesterday, he said "please hang on, I know I am not doing everything right and you have every right to hate me but I hope you can still love me." I am not entirely sure what he means, but it was nice to hear some real honesty.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
He would never go, at least not now. Yesterday was a holiday for us (my husband is Muslim) and I was really worried he would not come and take the kids to the fesival at the town park. But he did and we generally had a nice day together with the kids. He went to work that night and called me at 10pm and we talked for almost half an hour. Nothing earth shattering, but just mundane every day things. It was nice, I did not feel pressured and upset. I am trying to remind myself everyday that his problems are not about me, that what he did was not about me, yes there are areas I neglected in my marriage, but he got himself in this mess and I am willing and wanting to stay in it, but he has to get over his own guilt, shame, and whatever else he is feeling and doing. I think just taking that pressure off myself has helped me.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Good weekend. I get so stressed out when the weekend comes, H is home all day (he works nights during the week so we don't see each other during the week) This morning when I left for work he gave me a hug like he has not in many many months and said "thank you for hanging in there with me". I know it is not a lot, but it may be a baby step. Not reading too much into it but it was nice to hear.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
