x called me out of the blue today. Angry. Wanted to know when he could get the rest of his "stuff." I started off strong, matter-of-fact, stayed on topic...
then it all went to hell.
I'll write it all out later, but for now, I ended up in tears yet again. My face is swollen. MIL, kids, they all saw it before I could rein it in. I ended up in bed, trying to reboot my head, go to sleep and escape the old pain.
So, it is a few hours later. I got up to cook dinner for my kids. Feel hung over. And so much swirling around in my head, again. I really think that x and I have inhabited different planes of existence.
I know that I love him. Even while I know that he isn't any good for me, that we can't be together. And it still hurts to have it thrown in my face how he doesn't love me, can't love me properly.
I just don't want to care, anymore. Maybe I will be wrong about unconditional love, and I won't care, someday. I am so tired.
Sally! Read about your newest roller coaster, and sending good thoughts your way, too.
ot, thanks. I did get it back together, just feel like I went 5 rounds with Tyson. Not used to the crying-face anymore, I guess. I recall when it used to be routine.
Proud of myself that it wasn't me who broke the no-contact thing this time--its been a long time now, hasn't it? And even with that, I got it thrown in my face that the no-contact is selfish, that I'm not putting the kids' first, that I should be able to put all this aside and be able to talk to him and be around him with the kids (brought up Chuckie's holiday concert when I sat in the back and he sat up front with D). Asked how I explain that to the kids--I told him that I tell them it just hurts too much right now, and that I'm working on it. I tried to explain that its how I have to be right now, so I CAN be there for the kids in the way that they need me. He doesn't get it.
So, here I am at 11:30. I've been laying in bed over an hour trying to fall asleep, so I finally got up, got a small ice cream cone and jumped on here. I'll try a brain dump and see if the sleep thing works better. I wish I had some plain aspirin; only Excedrin with caffeine in it, which doesn't sound like a good idea.
Before bed, I sat and typed the running commentary that was swirling in my head. Everything I could remember from the convo. All the comments that I have heard from loved ones and friends. Tomorrow, I am going to add as much as I can about what I have learned, about how we got here, where I am, how this all happened.
Not sure yet what I want to do with all of it. My initial thought is to retype it legibly and give it to IC, then tell x that if he ever wants to understand my side, to really help me like he has said so many times, he can meet with her and go over it all.
Or she can burn it.
I don't know which one, yet. I keep thinking that the man I loved for so long is in there, somewhere, and I just don't know how to reach him. The thing is, he doesn't want to be reached, and that is a different story, isn't it?
And all the while, I recall the man I recently met. Emotionally intelligent. What is that saying--"The unexamined life is not worth living." Well, this guy isn't afraid of that. Can communicate. And has so many other wonderful qualities.
Makes me think that I will always love x. But, same as if I had been a widow, my heart can grow to love again, love another.
I think all of us here can understand, in awe, of how the heart can grow like that--it did with the birth of each of our children. I don't have to stop loving him to let him go, to accept where and what he is, and that he isn't what I want, anymore.
I told him today that I was so tired of people telling me that I was better off without him. He said, at this point, you are. And that is the truth.
(Did I mention that I finally got those bushes along the edge of my property cut back? Half the original estimate, and worth every penny--it was starting to look like the Adams family house around here!)
I had a good day at work, but I was tired. It took a long time to fall asleep last night.
I thought a little about x and last night, but there wasn't too much time to dwell. I still want to get my thoughts together and talk with the IC tomorrow.
And of course, I see him coming around the corner at my house today, riding his motorcycle. He was behind me, so I pulled over to ask if he was looking for me. He said no, he was going to visit a neighbor (my bff's H down the street). It is still hard to see him in person. And after yesterday, I wished that we could both stop and I could just hold him.
It is sick. What is wrong with me? Why do I still miss him, when I know that it doesn't make any sense? Its by no means a constant thing anymore, that frantic feeling, the despair, but I do miss him. The denial can still interfere with the truth of what is; there are times like that (when I see him, talk to him), that I just want him to come hold me, tell me it was all a terrible mistake, that he is sorry and wants to try to come back.
He told me yesterday that I don't know what love is. That all of this has been sick obsession. Maybe he is right........
All of his perceptions, all of his pain....none of it was necessary, if he had only talked to me. He still thinks that I didn't love him, respect him, make him my priority. When I point out what I have done since the bomb, his answer is simply that, if I did, I had a funny way of showing it.
And now that he is starting to have people tell him that he made a mistake, that they aren't seeing his side and understanding him, he blames me for that, too. I know that he is very angry that his family won't accept his gf. I think he wants me to admit that she had nothing to do with our D, so he can tell them all that I agree that it wasn't her fault and she shouldn't be blamed.
None of it matters, anyway. It doesn't matter what he thinks about me, does it?
God, I wish I could get angry, and just say Good Riddance and be done with it.
I'm divorced....maybe I should write that 100 times to get it into my head.
Question: Many of you know the nightmare of my broken in-ground pool. He had agreed in the divorce to remove all of the junk he dumped in there by Nov 1. Part of the convo yesterday was about that, when it might happen. I asked him how his back was (he had back surgery and it causes him a lot of pain). He said, what do you care (laughing)-you ask this NOW? I said I still care about him and don't want him to get hurt. I had gotten a quote to have the stuff removed by the hauler for $1000 if he wanted to go that way. He sneered and said I would have to get the money from his blood--he was broke. He would take care of it. Now: Do I just pay to have it done and let him off the hook? Should I offer to deduct the $1000 from his 1/2 share of the sale of the hottub (he is responsible for selling it, and I haven't heard anything)? Should I just let him figure it out, being stubborn and probably hurt himself, and he can blame me again for seeing him as only a laborer and paycheck?
********* Meanwhile, I have a date with CR tomorrow night, if I can figure out how to fit it in around the kids being out to dinner and my IC appt. I might just cancel and see if we can get together over the weekend.
On Fri, my college roomie is coming back up to stay over on her way to a baptism.
(1) "so I pulled over to ask if he was looking for me" WHY????? What part of NO CONTACT is confusing? What part of "don't hit the bottle" do you think is mistaken?
(2) His perceptions are ALL that matter. He did not get what he needed to feel loved, respected, or feel like a priority. THAT is what matters. This does NOT mean that you are to blame for that. No doubt a lot of it has to do with his own problems that have nothing to do with his choice not to communicate. But quit discounting his feelings because YOU think he should not have had them. He had them, for too long. It ended the M. It is over.
(3) Continuing to want someone in your life to make you feel better who does not want to be in your life and who wants to be a different person than you want them to be is selfish. You want this when you get needy. You want this after contact. Call your sponsor. You are really better than that, you don't need to go back to the old enmeshment drug of neediness.
(4) For F-you-CKS sake!!!! Quit trying to fix your EX-husbands problems. Leave him alone. The pool is his problem. Get out of his way, stay out of his sh*t. He does NOT want to partner with you on life stuff beyond what is required for shared custody of the children.
(5) Ditch the idea immediately of trying to get to your EX-husband through your IC again. LEAVE HIM ALONE. CRIMINY!!!!!!
(6) If you can't stop your trip off the wagon that is taking you down this all-about-X path, I hope you will at least try to be honest with your date about that, in fairness and decency.
Have a great time with your roomie! Things won't just be OK, they'll be great :-)
I'm new here but I've been reading your threads for awhile. I found your sitch in some ways remarkably similar to mine and have found a kindred spirit of sorts in reading what you've had to go through this last while. I just want you to know that so much of what you've had to say has been so comforting, so inspiring. I do some of the same things in terms of still sometimes wanting the x, wanting him to somehow see my perspective on things but that usually happens when I allow myself to wonder if I'd only done things differently. Because I keep questioning and never really had closure....and THE ENTIRE THING WAS DONE VIA EMAIL FROM BOMB TO DIVORCE, my counselor said just the other day, "what if there wasn't anything else you could have done...maybe it wouldn't have turned out differently." It sometimes takes me awhile to remember all of the reasons why a logical person wouldn't continue to dwell on this past, but I think that's just part of our makeup. There is a quote that I discovered shortly after all this happend to me...and it is: "We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us" by Joseph Campbell. It's helped me and I still look at it on a daily basis.
Megan
Me-38 Ex-39 Together since 4/1988 Married 12/1989 EA 2/2004 Bomb 6/22/06 Sep 8/10/06 Div 10/31/07
It seems that it takes me a day or two after contact to shake things off. 20+ years of connection to someone is hard to break. Much better than it used to be, but ot, you are right in that No Contact is what has to be. It still sucks for the co-parenting thing, but this past week just shows that its what has to be. And it doesn't matter what he feels about it or how he sees me, with regards to the co-parenting. I can get him the info by email.
On a realistic point, when I saw him behind my car on my street, I didn't think he was coming to talk to me in any positive way, but to give me more sh!t about something. And if he had wanted to do that, why did I pull over? Or, he was on his way to gf's house (which would be a first since this whole mess started). I reacted too quickly.
I know that wanting someone to be what they don't want to be is selfish. I just get into a state of disbelief that he actually doesn't want to be home. Its not that I want to change him; when I get like that, I imagine / pretend that the "real" man I knew so long is hiding in there, asleep, and I can wake him up. But he has been completely, totally clear--he's awake, and made a conscious choice. I need to respect that. Denial can be a strong thing. I rationalize things too much--what he has chosen makes no sense to me and many other people. But that is irrelevant--it his HIS choice to make! It doesn't have to make any sense to anyone but him.
So, of course, in light of all this, I know that it is over. I know how to move on. Most of my psyche has. I am finding ways to be happy on my own, and success in the daily business of living. My kids are going to be ok. We are all learning many important life lessons through this. And I know that the person he is today is not what I want.
(oh, btw OT--some strong language there! But I read that as you caring enough to get pissed
Now, CR, on the other hand, has many of the qualities that I have come to value and recognize I need a person to have, to have a successful relationship. But we've only spoken on the phone and been together one long day. I am still letting that happen as it will, and seeing where things might lead. I know that there is still so much to learn.
***** Megan--Thank you for writing to me and your kind words. I have seen that quote, and it does ring true. We just can't be so certain of what is in our future, can we? And I know, for myself, that I couldn't let go all at once.
Email only, huh? Not as much closure, but I can tell you that having some of these things said in real-time (either phone or in person) can really rip your guts out. It all sucks.
Donna, I know what you mean about needing a day or two to shake things off. I am still waiting for some property to sell--then there will be no more financial ties or any reason at all to communicate (no kids, just furkids--which I got :)). We rarely communicate (of course via email) unless there is some decision needing to be made related to the property. I remember earlier on, however, that any email I would get from him would send me into a tailspin for days. I remember sobbing with the Verizon guy just trying to get my cell phone coverage changed...same with my car insurance. I couldn't function--and it affected every aspect of my being. I ended up dropping 65 pounds in 3 months and spent a day in the ER for dehydration because I let it get to me on so many levels. Not something I'm particularly proud of, but at the time, I just couldn't deal with all the rugs that had been pulled out from under me at once. This person that I loved and trusted more than anyone in the world--I don't know how to trust anyone more than I did him-had betrayed me on so many levels. But, what you and oldtimer said is true--it was his decision, his perception and in his world, that is THE only thing that matters. It's just hard to remember that when your heart is involved--and you're right, even though there are some valuable life lessions in all of this, it still sucks!
