So we had it out tonight...

[Livin4ME]

And it did not go well...we got into it tonight. I told him I knew they were still talking more than 'the occasional text'. I couldn't take it anymore. He tries hiding the texting like I can't see him! Add insult to injury. I wanna pack all his stuff up and throw it in the car and drive his butt back down to her place and leave him there. He's laid up right now cuz of his surgery. My wall is coming up. I want to make him leave before he gets better and does it on his own again.
He says it's hard not to talk every once in a while. I told him that I thought that when he dismissed the divorce, that meant it was over between them. He knew it meant no contact. He says it's hard. Well no kidding. But come on!!! I told him he was transparent. He asked what that meant...yeah, he's clueless sometimes. I told him it meant I could see right thru him.
Afterwards, I went and got in the shower. Haven't said anything to him since.
Any comments!? Encouragement?! Ideas?! Anything?!

[SirPrizeMe]

THAT STINKS!!!

I HATED THAT FEELING.

oooooooooo, I can remember just burning up inside about it. She'd just pass it off "I had to talk to someone." As if her affair partner were the only one on earth with a telephone.

He's right, you know. It's hard to give her up.

What can you do? Arguing with him about it is probably not a good strategy. Hot conflict is not going to help. You guys in counseling?

Maybe you could find a safe place to raise your concern. (I know, you've been quite clear, "zero contact". I know, I was down that path, too. But sometimes it takes a different venue to make it stick. An authority figure like a counselor.)

This is a funny side story, about how much of a lily liver I was.

I remember having this kind of conversation with stbx; I'd ask her to stop contacting the guy. I didn't insist on an immediate answer, but I'd ask her for an answer. once I said, why don't you take some time to think it over? Let me know in the morning. Invariably she'd give me the answer I wanted to hear. And then invariably she'd go back on it.

It got to the point where I was doing a Bill Clinton thing with her. Ok, so "no contact; that means....you won't call him, right?" (yes) "and you won't go on a date with him, right?" (yes) "and you won't send him emails, right?"

And when I stepped out of myself, and heard myself having this conversation with my wife, I thought, this is ridiculous. She knows darn well what I mean. It hasn't been a misunderstanding. She hasn't been contacting him based on some misunderstanding that by "no contact" I really meant "please don't tell me when you go on dates with him," or "please use a secret calling card when you phone him from the house."

When I stepped back I saw how ridiculous it was.

So, yes, I know how you must feel. It was just so infuriating that she could keep saying one thing and doing another. (Later I could see she was just on the hump, undecided about whether she wanted to be married, so for her, it was totally ok to talk to this man more than she talked to me.) So I've been through it, but the bad news is, unfortunately, I don't have a solution for you.

You could continue to be clear about your expectations and requirements in the relationship. I know you have been up until now, but i guess what I am saying is, you could just continue .

Or, you could decide enough is enough.

I'd recommend the first option!

If you take the first option, are there ways you could ally yourself with him to help overcome this problem? Could you say, [i]Hey, dear, I've read alot about this situation, and I think I understand a little more what you are going through.It IS hard, like a drug, some people say. So is there some way we could work through this together? When you feel like talking to her,maybe you could call me. I promise not to flip out." (or something like that)

[I tried this and it didn't really work. she felt bad enough about the thing that me continuing to be nice and solicitous toward her only made her feel worse about me. ]

Another approach might be to appeal to a higher authority - and by that I mean an expert. Like "I was talking to XXX who recommended a book on reconciliation. The book has some really good ideas on how to get over the hump. What we're going through is pretty normal and common for this stage." (don't say "affair", and totally avoid words that would trigger guilt or shame.

Another diversion - My stbx once flipped when I said that I wanted to be monogamous. She had suggested that maybe I should have an affair, to even things out. I told her, no, I'm not really interested. I'd like to be monogamous. And she flipped! My saying the word was just pushing her guilt button.

Getting back to YOU - if you do this, your tone should be confident and secure and businesslike, like this is just par for the course, just something you gotta do, we're cool, we'll just keep on going, etc etc. Not threatened or ticked etc. ).

Another higher authority might be a marriage counselor. I found one that insisted on a policy of zero contact before she spoke to us. We each had to make a commitment to the counselor. Making a commitment to a person we had just met - that somehow carried more weight than the commitment we had made to each other in a sacred vow. How dumb is that? But anyway, it worked for a while.

I don't know if these things could work; just some empathy for you, and some ideas.

[Livin4ME]

Thanks for the post Sir...it did help. I'm not sure if you've read my other post. If not, it's OW is PG.
It's so frustrating ya know!! We did try a C a long time ago...we made it to one session together...then he took off again. I really do understand it's hard. That it is like a drug. But I guess I have a hard time understanding why HE doesn't understand how hard it is for me as well ya know.
Tonight after I posted this thread, he got in the shower and the bonehead didn't even ask for help! He had surgery on his knee 2 days ago!!! So I go in the bathroom cuz I left my phone in there and he's standing there on his crutches looking like he's about to pass out! I asked him if he got in the shower, he said yes, I asked if he was ok, he said no. So while I'm helping him get dressed I asked, "Why didn't you tell me so I could help you?!" his response was, "Cuz I thought you wanted to be by yourself, so I didn't wanna bother you." Ummmm...hello?! So I told him that's what I'm here for, is to help him! Did I mention clueless?! I got him all situated, gave him his meds and came back into the office.
I'm just not gonna bring it up again for now. Alot will be told tonight when we go to bed. If he goes with me or sleeps on the couch.

[SirPrizeMe]

Wow, pregant OW is hard to take. Wow. I feel for you. This is very complicated.

So while I'm helping him get dressed I asked, "Why didn't you tell me so I could help you?!" his response was, "Cuz I thought you wanted to be by yourself, so I didn't wanna bother you." Ummmm...hello?! So I told him that's what I'm here for, is to help him! Did I mention clueless?! I got him all situated, gave him his meds and came back into the office.

Let me just sort of reflect back what I feel from what you wrote. My feeling is that you have this impatience with him, like you don't really approve of the things he is doing or the decisions he is making. (bonehead, etc).

I can completely empathize with that viewpoint. But, I am betting that it is not attractive to him.

So how about this for an alternative exchange....

you: were you able to get in the shower?
him: Yes.
you: you ok? (concerned)
him: No. not really.
you: yeah, you look a little woozy. (caring) Here, let me help you get dressed.

a little later...
you: you know, I'm happy to help you. (note: not WHY DIDN't YOU ASK FOR HELP, BONEHEAD??!)
him: well, I thought you wanted to be by yourself.
you: I am here to serve!! (smiling, endearment, maybe a soft caress on his shoulder or head) (note: banish thoughts such as "clueless" and "ummmmm.... hello?")

ok, that is one way to go.

OR.... you could be on a totally different track. Could be you are really not happy with him and want him to know that and you're giving him the "you're on your own, buster" treatment.

In which case, offer no help at all, but give empathy.

---

If I had to guess I'd say he feels like sh!t about the situation, but still cannot stop it. which makes him feel worse. and you being nice to himm also makes it worse.

But I guess I have a hard time understanding why HE doesn't understand how hard it is for me as well ya know.

news flash: You will get no empathy from him! you want empathy? find a trusted friend. Come to this forum. (personally I think the forum can help, but cannot replace a friend you can touch and see.) But don't ask for empathy from him.

[Phoenixdeux]

I'm tired of reading about making excuses for the cheating spouse, like they can't help themselves. Who started that? I'd like to kick him/her. I imagine it was probably a cheater that started it. What's the point of making boundaries like, "NO CONTACT", when there isn't any consequence other than you feeling bad? Continue on and you'll dispell any worries that you'll leave him if he continues contact with OW....he'll know you are so desperate for him that he can pretty much do what he wants in regards to OW.

[kat727]

Wait, I thought she miscarried(or so she said). Was that another lie? Sorry, I am just trying to catch up.

kat

[sandi2]

Well, I agree, even though I have not read the entire story. If other woman is pregnant with your H's child and he is laid up from a sugery in your house and laying in your bed texting his OW.....then honey that is called "eating cake". He has it made in the shade! Why would you put up with someone like that? What is his intentions with this OW and his child by her? He is showing no respect for you at all when he can cuddle with you one minute and text his mistress the next! If you intend to stay with him, there must be some boundries drawn and he must respect those boundries or you will never be able to trust him again and this woman or some other woman will always be in your life haunting you in your M.