Two affairs in 5 months....

[marisol35]

Hello everyone,

I have been reading posts and just joined a week ago.

Here's my story.....

I have known my H since high school. We were together for a little over a year then had my daughter at age 19. When she was 2 he left me for OW, got her pregnant and married her. They were divorced about 4 years into their marriage. This was the lowest point of my life when he left me especially when I found out she was pregnant and the fact he married her. It was a very tough time for me but I got through it.

After his divorce, he lived with family and we started talking again. I was always there to help him when he needed it. But as time went on he wanted to have me on the side while he still lived a single life so I told him enough was enough and to stop calling to spend intimate time with me. I was planning to move out of state just to get away from it all because I felt like I could not move on from him when he would keep pursuing me. I had not told him of my plans to leave. Then the Christmas before I planned to move he pulled me aside to say that he wanted to start a true relationship with me. Of course I accepted because of how much I loved him and wanted nothing more to be with him.

It was not soon thereafter that we decided to live together. It would be him and his son with my daughter and I. At the time I had a small townhouse. After about a year we decided to buy a larger home for the kids and really start a life together. We lived in this house for about 6 years and it was great. Everything was like it should be except for not being married. I never pressured him to marry me I would just lightly talk about how much it meant to me. He always said he wanted to make sure his son was ready and I understood. Then we got engaged the 7th year we were together and married that same year (9-8-07).

The wedding was everything I had imagined it would be. I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.

Next month will be a year of marriage and it is hard to believe what I have been through these past 5 months. I always thought the first year was the best because you are honeymooning. It has been nothing close to that.

In April of this year I discovered he was having an affair (so about 6 months after we were married). I caught him late one night at his office with another woman. He confessed to me about it and said the famous "I love you but I'm not in love with you" phrase. He said he loved her and that there was a connection missing between us. He said he married me to make everyone else happy but that he was not happy. I was devistated. My daughter who idolized him was devistated. It was awful.

When it was time for him to move out because he said that would be the best thing he couldn't do it so he stayed. But he would not stop talking to this woman and what made matters worse was that he had hired her (he owned his own business at the time). I told him if this was to work he had to fire her and stop talking to her. He didn't because I would check the phone records. So I reached a point that I could not take it and packed his things. He moved out for about 4 weeks and came back. He said he wanted to start over, that he wanted me to be with him wherever he went, etc...

It was hard to overcome. I became obsessed with checking the bank records, phone bills, looking at his cell phone, emails, driving by his office to make sure that her car wasn't there....it was unbelievably hard. When he discovered I was snooping he became angry and defensive. He told me to stop but I didn't. He did tell me when she would text him or call him and I thanked him for doing that. But I knew it was getting to him to have to report to me as to what he was doing. He has since ended the relationship with this woman.

We then planned a getaway just him and I to Texas in July. We spent 5 days together and it was really great. We connected and it was nice having the alone time.

However, before we left there was another woman in the picture who he started to talk about alot. She also worked with his company but not in his office and she was 21 yrs old. He would tell me about her personality and how mature she was for her age. They started texting quite a bit but he repeatedly would tell me they were just friends (of course that's how it starts right). I met this girl twice and she went on to tell me how great my husband was. That should have been a red flag right there.

Not soon after we got back from our trip things got unbelievably worse. He went for drinks after work with friends including her. Then the weekend came and he wanted to do a guys nite out which ended up being with her as well. Not coming home until 6am. I cried asking him to tell me the truth. He continued with it being a friendship and nothing more. Then I decided to confront her to tell her my thoughts. She assured me nothing was going on and that she would never be with a married man and that I could trust her (all lies). After I confronted her he told me that was it, it was the last straw and that he was moving out the end of this month.

He stayed out all night three weeks ago and only came home to shower. He was staying at her house. I knew more was going on than what he was saying. I went to his office one evening after finding an email that she was going to be there and I watched. After waiting for quite some time I saw them kiss goodnight. I told him to stop lying to me and he told me to get a life and move on. All this was happening and he was still in the house. Then he confessed to me August 17th that he had slept with her as well the weekend he only came home to shower.

The business he owned closed its doors last week due to finances. He has had to go back to his previous career. He moved into his dad's rental property because his credit is so bad. He moved his things out last Wednesday without any forewarning and then leaves Friday to Rockypoint with her and two friends. It has just been so much pain these past few weeks for me that I can't even think straight anymore.

I have had to file bankruptcy myself because of all the bad decisions that were made while we were together. His mother moved in with us last month because she was diagnosed with breast cancer and needed a place to stay. We lost both our homes to foreclosure. And now I am left with all this.....

All my friends tell me its over and to move on....that I don't deserve this. He is selfish and only thinking of himself right now. I need to focus on me.....but how can I when my life has just been one thing after the other and what I thought was right is completely wrong and I just want to give up.

I force myself to get up everyday to come to work so that I can feed my daughter and support myself and her or else I would just do nothing. I am barely making it right now..... I don't know if there is any hope for us. He took off his wedding ring. He goes to lunch with this 21 yr old every day. I know she has stayed at his house already. They communicate all day long. Since he has left I have talked to him once.

I have not made any initiation to talk to him. I have not sent any emails, texts, or called him. I know its the first week he has been gone and as many have said it takes time but I have gone through this once already. Is this a pattern for him? Is it worth it? My heart says to hang on because I know he loves me, but my mind says something totally different.

Any advice, suggestions, comments, would be truly appreciated.

Thank you all.

[cat03]

hey there, sorry you find yourself in this situation. There are two kind of people who have As, the one time/one night stand, and the chronic adulterers, your H seems to be the latter and the hardest kind of person to deal with as they have to admit they have a problem.

First of all, he should be contributing to the household because of the kids, he legally abandoned the home and could be in huge trouble in court for that, make sure that he gives you what he ought to, otherwise file for child support, take care of yourself and the kids financially.

There is always hope despite anything, obviously there is something lacking in him, have you asked him what was it that bothered him in your M? have you looked at yourself and see where you went wrong as well? it takes two for things to go wrong. Sometimes we messed up with the best of intentions, we dont' realize that certain things we do alienate the spouse.
I hope you are able to see a C on your own, I know the pain is blinding but you will be ok regardless.

[happycamper]

Hi marisol

I just wanted to let you know that I have read your post with a heavy heart and I am sorry that you find yourself in this position.

This is the bit that gets to me:

Is this a pattern for him? Is it worth it? My heart says to hang on because I know he loves me, but my mind says something totally different.

It might be a pattern for him, and if it is (as cat says) the only real way through this is for him to admit that, to see it as an issue for him and to work on it. If this is an ongoing issue then it usually has more to do with the H than the W. My H has been unfaithful to me many, many times, and although there are things I could have done much better during my M, I know ultimately that nothing I could have done or said would have changed him.

I'm sure it can be worth it, if you want it to be. Friends get very angry over what our Hs have done, they don't always give out the best advice. I tell mine that if they really want to be a good friend to me, the best thing they can do is talk in a neutral way about H.

I know what you mean about the heart and the head! Maybe you're just going to have to give it time, do some DBing and see what happens.

You do need to focus on yourself because that benefits you all round. It will help you in a DBing sense, and it will help you just for you.

There are some really wise people on here (far wiser than me!) and I'm sure they will be a great help.

[marisol35]

Hi Cat,

Thank you for your response.

The hardest part is that he was not like this when we just lived together. He was so great. He was home with us and the kids we did everything together. There were no signs of him straying at all. Then as soon as we got married he started to change. He talked to me less and when I would talk to him I felt like I was bothering him.

It's just very hard to accept because everything was so good and positive and we were making plans of what we wanted to do especially when the kids were grown and out of the house.

It's even harder to write this right now when I'm at work not able to function having to close my door and cry while I write this.

I cry alone because I don't want my daughter to feel my pain.

From all that I have read he has the signs of a MLC but without the new car or coloring his hair and things like that. He has always talked about how old he looks and how he was gaining weight and I would tell him that I loved him no matter what he looked like. He started hanging out with younger friends in their 20's and going to the bar more often.

Sometimes I think I did take our relationship for granted because I expected him to always be there. I thought it was going to be forever. I worried a great deal about finances and I showed it but it never meant that I was unhappy with him. Maybe he thought I was.

I just feel like there is no hope but I desperately want him back in my life. He means everything to me. But then when I see emails of him telling her how much he loves her and that he wants to make sure they communicate because he doesn't want to jeopardize anything and that he wants to make the best of everything. How do I keep going? How do I follow the steps in Michele's book Divorce Remedy?

He doesn't communicate with me. We will see each other so much less now that he has moved. We have a D16 but she wants nothing to do with him.

So many people are just telling me to let go that you start believing it you know?

I have so many emotions....I just feel so destroyed

[saffie]

Hi Marisol,

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

I know this isn't an excuse....but do you think these two things in the last 5 months have happened because he has been trying to forget about business / financial problems and these are distractions that give him a buzz?

My advice would be to protect yourself and your D as well as you can financially and emotionally from the destruction your H is causing. He sounds like he is going to crash big time fairly soon - his actions don't sound like those of a rational, happy man.

[karen43]

Is this a pattern for him? Is it worth it? My heart says to hang on because I know he loves me, but my mind says something totally different.

Hi Marisol! Nice to meet you and glad you found us here! I think we all can relate. I don't know if it's a pattern, but it def. sounds like your H has some issues. Probably a C would need to figure out exactly what some are but maybe fear of committment issues or who knows what? I mean yeah, I agree we need to work on ourselves but I do think 95% of this stuff is b/c the WAS is having some kind of psych. issues or MLC or immaturity or serial adulterer or some of these combined.

I do think yes, it is good to work on issues that you have that maybe contribute to R problems, but at some point your H will have to work on his issues as well for an R to work out for you (or for that matter your H to be able to have a long-term R with anybody). So maybe you should just concentrate on what you can control which is working on yourself, doing 180s, GALing, and making yourself as strong, healthy, and confident as possible.

You also mentioned should you hang on and I think sometimes our WAS are kind of already emotionally checked out and it's not even possible to hang onto them anyway. I wouldn't worry about that stuff now as that might be something you can decide later. If you really GAL a lot and work on yourself you may or may not decide later that you don't want to try to hang onto him, but something you can think about down the road.

Hope you continue to post here if it helps you at all. There are a great group of people here--I'm proud be able to call them my friends!!! Karen

[marisol35]

Hi Saffie,

I actually did think about all that is happening is why he is doing everything he can to not be home because its 'depressing' there and he is all about being positive and being around positive people. His business failing, the finances, his mom being ill, his daughter rejecting him, and the way I am when he is there (because I am angry) all push him from wanting to be there. The OW is 21 so she is happy all the time telling him how great and fantastic he is and how in love with him she is and all these things that draw him to her.

I do have a strong feeling he is going to crash and burn b/c when I decide to take back the truck he is driving and if he does not help me with the cell phone bill I plan to shut it off. The truck he drives is in the bankruptcy I filed because it was in my name. I gave him until the end of Sept to get another vehicle. The cell phone is in my name too and when he went to the provider to get another plan they wouldn't give him one b/c of his credit score so he just bought a new phone and extended the plan for his phone number another 2 years. I told him I could not afford to pay for it (we have 5 people on it) plus he added Internet access which is another fee. I am paying for everything in my house right now and to me my cell and my daughters are my only priority. I told him the truck is mine if I'm paying for it in the BK. We will see how long the OW likes driving around in a beat up car b/c he can't get a loan with his credit. Maybe she will have to drive him around?

I don't know. It is just so overwhelming. I read all these stories too and feel the pain other people are going through and it's just so disturbing to see how people can do these things with no regard for other people's feelings, emotions, and how it destroys self-esteem, pride, self worth..... Maybe I'm wrong for saying it but for me when I ever encountered or met a married person they were off limits (when I was single or even this short time I was married). I could not step into that because I would always think about the W especially if they had children.

[marisol35]

Hi Karen,

It's nice to meet you too. Can I ask what GAL stands for? I know most but not that one....

Since this has happened so recently what do I do? Do I watch and wait? With where I am at with this R do I just go ahead and file for a D?

Please help......

[karen43]

It's nice to meet you too. Can I ask what GAL stands for? I know most but not that one....

Short for Getting a Life activities/hobbies. I do taekwondo, was in a musical last year and hope to be in another this year, tennis, cooking, gardening, taking classes, shopping, etc. Anything is good that you enjoy and that keeps you busy, it will improve your self-confidence, and I also like activities I've never done before also as those really get your mind off troubles and worrying, etc.

Since this has happened so recently what do I do? Do I watch and wait? With where I am at with this R do I just go ahead and file for a D?

Well, personally I believe that most As end in breakup at some point, but with a 21 year old OW, I would think that it would burn itself out pretty quickly. It's more a matter of when they will breakup than if I think. Divorcing is your decision, but I don't think it's anything you should rush into really. If you knew your H would come back in 3 or 6 months and want to try again would you want to? B/c I think that will probably happen at some point...Karen

[marisol35]

Thank you Karen for your words of support and ideas.

Since I posted last my daughter expressed an interest in learning to play piano so I have signed her up for some lessons.

I have also joined a support group in my area for people who are in similar situations as mine or who are going through a divorce. I believe this will help me tremendously to get through these next few months.

I also have always had a passion for dancing so I have looked into some local dance schools and plan to start taking classes. I have went to school for makeup artistry so I am working with photographers on that as well trying to build my business. I am mainly interested in doing weddings.

I keep telling myself the same thing you said about the 21 yr old OW. That its only a matter of when it will end and not if it will. They already started the relationship with lies and she knows about the 1st affair because both these women work at the same company he does. The 1st OW was fired. I know the 21 OW will be fired soon as well once the owner finds out what is going on. It won't be long before it spreads. The owner does not put up with this type of behavior and I don't know if my H will have a job after all of this either.

The hardest part for me is seeing him and knowing he is having this relationship with someone when we are still M. That is the hardest part to cope with. To know he goes to the movies with her or to dinner or she stays the night at his house or they go shopping together and laugh like everything is great. While I'm here dying on the inside with all of these feelings, thoughts, uncertainties, etc.... He lives while I'm at a standstill. Then to have no remorse or sympathy. I just keep asking myself do I wait, do I want to wait, what will happen if I do, do I just move on, is it worth it, I still love him so much.

I believe the support group will be good for me to talk about it and let out my emotions that I have withdrawn for the sake of my daughter b/c I don't want her to always see me crying.