My guess is that a major change needs to happen with your wife before she really wants to truly return to the marriage. A change of AmyC proportions. I think if you hang tough, and lovingly make her feel the consequences of her actions, if she REALLY wants to return, she'll make the necessary changes.
I want to point out that I did not change by choice, necessity or because of economic hardship.
If that was all 'change' required, my MLC wouldn't have continued past a year and it wouldn't have taken a second 15 month separation (after one that lasted 8 months) to really wake me up.
But it was not those separations or the hardships I endured because of them that changed me.
Life, circumstances, some major reality checks and a few very dramatic events all worked together and I was changed.
I will post more about this later but I don't want any misconceptions that all Frank's wife has to do is decide to change.
This just reinforces the thought that the one that is standing cannot change their spouse. We certainly can have some influence, based on how we treat them, but ultimately it is up to them to change. I appreciate your candor, and I value your advice very highly.I pray for this "change" for my wife, it will be in God's timing and not in mine.I will continue to treat her with love and respect.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
But it was not those separations or the hardships I endured because of them that changed me.
Life, circumstances, some major reality checks and a few very dramatic events all worked together and I was changed.
Yes, I know what you mean. We're talking down to the core of your being changes. Not "I'm broke, poor, needy" changes. And I realize it will involve her 'dating' and it will take months, maybe years. Maybe forever.
I'm not saying that I'll wait forever or that I condone any of this, just that I understand.
The one change I would need to see is the one where she chooses to be like AmyC in that she actually decides that she WANTS me more than anyone else and fights to come back. Not like last time where I fought for her and just 'let her' come back.
I need to feel valued. Someone will value me, maybe it will be her.
Sorry to Tj here, but AmyC caught my eye. I feel the same way as a LBS. Reality jumped up and bit me. I had no option but to change, as self pity just didn't cut it, at least for me. Pain and loss can be great motivators as in my case.
So I was curious, what made you change? I think people rarely choose to change as it is hard work, usually there is a big motivator. Yours?
D13 is still sick with the flu this morning. W called and asked if she could come over to check up on D13 and to read her E-Mail.
I said that was fine with me.
When I came out of my office she was brewing a pot of coffee. I didn't say anything and she said "I hope you don't mind, I made some coffee". I said "Did you make enough for me?" and she said "Yes" so I said "Then I don't mind" and smiled.
We talked about D13's birthday coming up on monday and that D13 wanted to have a 'family dinner'. W said she could come over and make dinner but I told her I wanted to do that. She suggested Feducinni (sp?) then went on to say "Umm, you know I want to remind you to cook it just right, you tend to overcook pasta" and gave me the 'little girl' tone of voice.
I said "thank you for the unsolicited advice. I have D13 check the pasta when I cook it". Then she went on to tell me the recipe for the sauce and I said that I can get it from her stepmom (she is a chef). She seemed hurt and said that "But the way I make it is really easy". So I told her to tell me her method.
After that, she went on to ask about some things that she thought she should 'take responsibility' for paying because they are 'her bills', like her website and other internet stuff I've handled for her. I said I would transfer ownership to her.
So, she continues to separate things. She wants this divorce.
Sorry to Tj here, but AmyC caught my eye. I feel the same way as a LBS. Reality jumped up and bit me. I had no option but to change, as self pity just didn't cut it, at least for me. Pain and loss can be great motivators as in my case.
So I was curious, what made you change? I think people rarely choose to change as it is hard work, usually there is a big motivator. Yours?
My motivator is the same, pain and loss and just being sick and tired of hurting.
I still love my W, and like Theoden says I've finally come to realize that 'tough love' is what's needed here. I'm not going to file, I still think that it is HER responsibility.
But I'm also not going to do anything to help her right now. I think she's feeling the loss when D13 is sick right now and W can't be here to 'tend to her'. Maybe she's feeling some other losses, I don't know. She seems resigned to never living in this house again. and she told me the other day that "We're never going to be intimate again".
So, I'm motivated by all this to become the best Frank I can be. The Frank I used to be but much wiser and spiritually strong. I have a lot to offer the world and many gifts that God gave me that I can share, the least of which is my compassion for others.
And, I've come to realize that someday someone will value me as a partner because I deserve that. For too many years I've felt undeserving. Not any more.
The one change I would need to see is the one where she chooses to be like AmyC in that she actually decides that she WANTS me more than anyone else and fights to come back. Not like last time where I fought for her and just 'let her' come back
Apparently I am not expressing myself well.
The change that you speak of only comes with ONE choice attached to it and that is the choice whether or not to turn around and suck up your pride, admit the mistakes and own their results and still stand there when those consequences REALLY start to rain down on your head and you don't feel like you're worth a crap because of all that you have caused.
THAT is the only choice. THAT will be the only decision to be made. Whether or not to face the music.
The rest of it, at least for me, was not a choice. It was an natural evolution brought about by many things, not the least of which was me finally asking God what HE wanted instead of me bending His Word to fit MY will.
I'd love to be able to pull this stuff off of my old threads but they are gone...
I will try to post a timeline tonight but I don't think it's going to be the quick story some people might expect it to be.
I mean, just to get all the way outside the "tunnel" that we call MLC took almost 6 months from the very first night I cried because I missed my husband....
Amy, I so appreciate your (maybe) putting together a timeline. If it's not tonight, then I will wait. If you choose not to do it, then I will understand. I will look for your comments tonight when I get home at 10 p.m.
