I'm sorry I've been away, but w/ the start of school, things have been hectic for me. So, I'll apologize in advance for this being long. I just hope you'll all stick w/ me and read it all to catch up. I really do love and value all my cyber-friends here and I'm hoping to meet some of you in person some day.
So, a lot has happened since I last posted, so I'll try to summarize everything for you all. I started back to school on August 5th w/ the usual time wasters known as "teacher training days." School officially started for us on the 13th and I'm just now getting into the swing of things. Yes, I'm behind on my grading, but at least I'm comfortable again and have some idea of what I'm doing on a daily basis, so it is honestly only a matter of time before I'm ahead of the game again. I'm pretty sure my fellow educators out there know what I'm talking about.
In any event, I'm always drained the first week of school, so I've been coming home and basically sleeping. The weekends are when I get to see my D, so I haven't been able to use them to catch up w/ all my friends here. So, I'm awake and have energy, so I'm doing it now. My next step will be to catch up w/ all of your lives which I will do tonight or tomorrow.
So, my sitch is the same. More Jeckyll and Hyde. It is frustrating, but I had an excellent session w/ my DB coach on Saturday after an awful week of roller coastering w/ W.
Last week, W and I talk about my picking up D and she whines about how it isn't fair that I get her on the weekends while she only sees her in the afternoons and has to drag her out of bed each day. I reminded W she's the one who decided to move across the Valley to which W told me "the move was practical."
I asked her practical for whom and there was nothing but silence. After a minute or so, W fires off "where did all the money go?" I told her I didn't know and she made some wild claims about my not alleged telling her it was "her problem" during my deposition (for the record, I scoured my deposition copy and found nothing at all of this sort - and I'm not suprised as W's entire claims against me are contrived and baseless). I later offered to have us hire a forensic accountant but this too did not get a response. Again no suprise.
Monday, W sends me a message asking me why D sleeps w/ me when she's w/ me. I reply telling her I thought we'd addressed this, but D is freaked out and clingy w/ me and thus she's in my bed (Now I realize I'm taking the easy, lazy way out and not being a good parent by doing this now. Before I didn't quite see it that way, but I've fixed it).
I also asked her for suggestions and advice, but instead of replying on Monday, W was nice, sweet and complimentary. She instigated a call to tell me my favorite Elvis song ("A Little Less Conversation") was being played repeatedly in "Lilo and Stitch 2." This continued to Tuesday and naturally I played along thinking "be nice when she's nice."
On Wednesday the nasty e-mail came again. She said it was a problem w/ D sleeping w/ me b/c I had "sexually assaulted her" and b/c my "grandfather had molested my mother." I replied and didn't follow the DB manual b/c I told her that I came to her for help and advice and she belittled me and insulted me. Thus, I told her I'd figure it out on my own from now on.
Wednesday night, W was nice and instigating conversation. Same thing on Thursday. Friday was the nasty reply in which she said she didn't belittle or insult me but "stated the truth." Now, I resisted the urge to call her on her "truths" and explain to her that truths are provable w/ FACTS! I was hot, but I refrained from saying anything in return.
My attorney wanted me to send this all to the parenting evaluator and I thought about it, but decided to hold off until we needed it. If I need to use it, I will, but I don't want to play her ugly game if I don't have to. Look, I have to be realistic and decide to stick to my guns as I try to take the high road regardless of what happens w/ my marriage. I wasn't comfortable being the one who was the mud slinger, so I held it back. I may regret it in time, but for now, I'm pleased w/ my decision.
Then Friday night, the text comes that says "I'm sorry if my e-mail upset you, but I just don't want anything to happen to D."
I replied "neither do I. I love her just as much as you do." W comes back w/ "Not possible to love her as much as I do." I refute that and say "I love her more than you realize."
W's next response is "I know you love her." WTF??? If she KNOWS I love her, then what is her motivation for screwing w/ me here? Simple - W is only concerned w/ W and her selfish needs.
Anyway, on to Saturday and my DB session. I may have FINALLY seen something I've been missing for a while - I've been pursuing W throughout this whole process when I've thought I haven't been doing so. I know some of you are saying you've seen this too, but honestly it just made sense to me on Saturday.
So, we discussed this and decided that the plan to flirt when she was nice and ignore when she wasn't didn't work, so we're moving to an almost complete darkness. The DB coach was able to make me realize that there is NOTHING I can do to change my W and I've somehow been thinking - maybe not consciously - that I could. I've been nice when she's nice and it is used against me. I've stood up for myself and it starts more fights, makes me look defensive and fuels her anger. So, the solution is to do nothing. Say nothing. Discuss nothing. In roughly 6 weeks, I'll be divorced, so I've really got nothing to lose.
I'm now armed w/ some things to say to W and how to get out of conversations. I feel good about it b/c I finally get how what I was doing was only fueling W's anger and not getting me closer to my solution. I wish I'd seen it earlier, but I didn't, so now I'll make the best of it.
The biggest thing is I haven't been good at setting boundaries. Not having firm boundaries opened up W to charge me w/ sexual assualt. I was sleeping in the guest room and was invited in to tuck her in at night. Every night for a while. Then, one night she charges me w/ sexual assualt and claims "I don't know how he got into my room."
Had I had boundaries, I would have told her no b/c I'm supposed to be in another room. But I didn't and it worked against me. I didn't b/c I hold out hope that my snuggling w/ her would make us get closer. I was hoping she would feel what I feel by my having her close to me.
If it means the D is finalized, I'll be better off and understand how to set my boundaries better, deal w/ W better, deal w/ D better, deal w/ co-workers better, and deal w/ all my friends better too. So, I can't lose by putting these changes into motion.
So, that is where I am w/ my W and our situation. Still nothing from the parenting evaluator, but he has both of our depositions and he knows about my issue w/ the dogs (still feel sick about it too), so there isn't more he needs. We should know more soon, or at least I'll keep telling myself that to give me some hope each day.
On the health front, my MRI, MRA, spinal and blood tests came up negative as far as health problems. However, I do have some issues w/ my neck and will have some arthritis to battle later when I'm much older and much grayer. I've had my neck adjusted by a chiropractor and it feels soooo much better and the headaches are gone.
So, I'm cleared to exercise again and I've been doing that. I started cardio workouts again yesterday and it felt good. I went to a high-intensity core/cardio workout tonight and almost died, but made it through and I'll be back again next week. Tomorrow is more exercise and I'll start lifting weights (albeit cautiously w/ my neck) when I return from taking D to see family over the Labor Day Weekend.
Thus, I'm ok and feeling healthy and happy right now. I'm confident I can handle W if and when she next strikes and I can begin to set appropriate boundaries w/W, my lovely little D and everyone else.
Well, I hope you're still w/ me as I wrap up and filled you in. Like I said before, I'll catch up w/ you all on your sites very, very soon.
Thanks for checking in w/ me and caring enough to follow my story.
Hi Rob mou, I am first!!! Glad the DB coach finally made you see you need to set boundaries. You are dealing with crazy behaviour and to be honest you faced some of the worst accusations with a very ... hmmm "civilised" way. Too civilised IMO. Anyway, what's done is done. I am glad your vision "cleared".
Good that you are healthy and you sound like you feel better too.
I am sure you can handle your W, no doubt about that. Take care, Love K
First of all... thank you for being a teacher and giving so much to children in so many ways. I have memories of teachers whose compassion, excellence, enthusiasm, persnicketiness and/or all of the above made a lasting positive impression. They are often in my thoughts.
Boundaries.. what a concept. I only had them in times of a dire crisis. Now with the help of my therapist I'm learning how to set them for day-to-day living. Like anything, it's hard to start ("Boundaries are like.. whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" I needed a 3x5 card to refer to!) and slowly becomes easier. My rule of thumb is that whenever my stomach gets wound up in a knot, it's boundary (decision) time.
For example, I was deeply frustrated that he was not willing to pay for our two sons college textbooks. I kept sending emails, his reply remained the same. Then I realized. With the limited amount of money I received, with all the family costs I had (the mortgage on the big house, etc.. all the expenses we had as a family) I did NOT have any extra money. I explained my situation to the boys. I feel better. As a mom I felt very bad. But they can ask their dad or choose not to.
That may be an extreme case of boundary setting, but learning to listen to your inner voice and/or sense of conflict helps during this emotionally chaotic time.
I've used a DB coach in the past and found them very very helpful. Having a therapist and/or counselor is a great thing, too. A DB coach is great at pointing you in a positive direction. A therapist is great at giving you the tools to go the journey. A coach coaches, a counselor counsels. Most folks need both. Therapy is usually covered under insurance too.
It's good to hear you're feeling better. You're inspiring me to keep exercising.
Dont fret to much about D wanting to sleep with you. My D6 did last night. Either one of them do it about once a month and I think they do it more often with their mom. The G41 that I am seeing has her D6 sleep with her all the time.
Did you get in contact with Mr SirPrizeMe when you were in Seattle? I know he is still around as I saw him over in the LostPhill train wreck thread trying to make Phil come to his senses. I sure am curious how his legal situation is going as he does not have his own active thread.
School starts for my kids in about a week and a half. We are excited this year because they are both in the same school now.
Thank you for the compliment about teaching. It is so very nice to hear positive things about what I do b/c I am in it to do my best to encourage and try and prepare our young people for the future. The hardest thing about being a teacher for me is not the money, but the fact that often you don't know if you've been able to reach your students b/c most of what you are trying to instill in them - confidence, self-discipline, accountability, etc. - don't come out for the kids until they are long gone from my classroom. That is why I love it when they come back to say hello. That lets me know I'm doing my job right.
As for boundaries, they are funny little things, but necessary none the less. My mother didn't have good boundaries and still doesn't. She raised us and that is what I learned. My father's boundaries are a bit shaky as well, so my role models weren't the best. I only wish I'd have been able to discover my need for boundaries well before I hit 37. Hopefully my best years aren't behind me and I'll be able to use my new-found wisdom to build a better me for the upcoming future and beyond.
As for my DB coach, I love her. I wish I could have her on speed dial to use more frequently than I do. She cares about me and wants to see me succeed and I really appreciate it when she gets on my case b/c that shows she is looking out for my best interests.
Speaking of exercise, I'm heading back to the gym again today to make it 4 days in a row. I'll be w/ D tomorrow through Monday morning, so I'll be inactive as far as exercising goes. Thus, I've got to go or I'll be spending 4 days off, which is too much after sitting out for 3 weeks.
Funny thing is I've found myself this week saying to myself that I won't allow W and what she's doing to our family to bring me down. Instead as I've struggled on the treadmill w/ a raging side ache, I pushed through it instead of slowing down b/c I simply said she's not going to win and get me to quit.
Silly motivation maybe, but it does work.
Well, I'm off to the gym...as soon as I give Kerry his props on his posts.
Talk to you later, Gypsy and thanks for checking in.
Hey, I'm ok w/ D sleeping w/ me but the real thing is I didn't set and stick to boundaries w/ her on this one. I gave into her and let her sleep w/ me. Once in a while is fine, but I don't want to teach her to act up to get her way w/ Daddy.
So, we moved her back to her bed last weekend and I'll keep doing it while reassuring her she's ok and I won't let anything happen to her. Once the custody is decided, I'll let her come in if she's scared, but will try to get her to be independent and feel confident.
Concerning the custody decision, the parenting evaluator won't do much until W responds to our request for her to release her medical/therapy records to the evaluator (we also asked for copies). Well, of course W doesn't want these out and especially not to me b/c I'm pretty sure they contain a TON of stuff that will go completely against her lies and other manipulations of the truth.
I released my records and we then followed up asking for hers in good faith. As she continues to balk, she's making herself look worse and worse to both the evaluator and the courts. I wanted my actions and therapy records to be transparent so everyone would know I'm not hiding anything. If she continues to delay doing this it sends the message of "what is she hiding?" and "has she really been telling us the truth/whole story?"
As for SPM, we did get to talk for almost an hour, but I only had time on Sunday which was his day w/ his kids, so there was no way to connect. I'll be sending him some Husky tickets soon, so I'll be in touch w/ him and his sitch.
Finally, I don't think W is actively in w/ the Snake. D has said - unprovoked, of course - a few times that they haven't seen him much lately, so I'm guessing he's not in the picture in the "boyfriend" role right now.
However, I do get the feeling she still listens to him and his suggestions as she is almost NEVER nice to me when she's at work w/ him, but in the evenings and on the weekends when its just her, she's nice to me to the point where she's pleasant and even almost "flirty." Thus, I'm guessing he fires her up at work, but again, it's just a guess there.
Ok, that's it for now. Wild Cherry's "Funky Music" is almost over, so the iPod playlist is at its end. I think that's my cue to get off my rear and hit the gym before I lose all will to go.
As I read these interactions, I don't see Jeckyl and Hyde, I see your wife as whichever one is the nasty one...and then she says something nicer because she realizes it could come back to bite her or because someone else is telling her what to say. These things she fires out at you...the nasy stuff, isn't an alien. That is actually a part of your wife. Pretty attractive hunh? I feel when you are all kissa$$ that she seems to lash out at you. When she sets you back on your heels with her nastiness and you stand up for yourself and don't seem so whipped, she gets nicer. Is it possible for you to go darker?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I am going darker and working on talking w/ her as little as possible. I still have a ton of bad habits, however, and I need to make these habits strengths.
For example, last night she was pissed at me (what's new) b/c I didn't get back to her last week and discuss our drop-off of D today. She had offered to bring her all the way to me and I said at the time "that'd be fine if it works for you and I can get her half-way or wherever as well." I thought it was an open-ended thing w/ no sense of urgency.
Well, last night she said she "clearly" told me I had to get back to her right away and since I didn't get back to her, she wouldn't be bringing her to me. The bad habit is this...I explained that while she may have thought she was "clear" I missed that part. I then said "I'm sorry about that"... and then talked about today's drop-off. I'd love to quit saying "I'm sorry" and go w/ the word "unfortunate" instead. Again, it is a habit that I really need to break. It is a bad, bad habit.
On the bright side, we discussed a time to drop her off on Monday and she 1st said "I need her no later than 3" to which I offered 2 or 2:30. When she again said, I don't know, but I need her by 3 at the latest b/c of traffic, I quickly said "Ok. Great. We'll meet at 3 on Monday." She didn't like that, but it felt good for me to just make a decision and not give into her.
So, I'm working on it, but my habits do die hard. Getting as dark as possible is my goal and I'll continue to stay there until we have more movement.
Finally, to answer your question, it is not very attractive at all, Phoenixdeux and I'm working on my emotional detachment as I'm continuing to work at embracing the fact that I can't rescue her. Only she can make those changes to rescue herself.
