I am doing well. I will update soon. I am moving and also running errands all day for hubby. Doing well on the Weight Watchers .. down 2 pounds. Love you all~ Prayers and blessings... ~Ali
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Good job on weight watchers. I almost did that as well. How do you like it? I would love it if you would post your weight loss updates on the thread I started and I am hoping others will as well.
Also, you are moving? Did I miss that on another thread?
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Actually, I have much to update. Hubby did NOT go out this weekend. Tiny baby steps....}
Ali that is such good news!
I think it was a giant leap forward though.
I like the Beauty and the Beast story. Once you show him true love the spell will be broken and the beast will vanish. Then the true self inside of him will return.
When my D was little we went to see the Beauty and the Beast musical... that was so long ago, wow now she is a young lady.
Moving to a new place does help to change the mood, the moving part sucks but once you are in the good vibes can start happening.
Ok ~ So my husband decides to stay home this weekend. This was a first. He also has been very ... vulnerable... as of late. Is the best way I can put it. He is interacting with me on a better level. I would say it is real. It feels genuine. It doesn't feel like ass kissing or back pedaling. My crazy mixed up feelings have calmed down tremendously. I think . I am quite sure he knows he either needs to step up to the plate or I am going to get fed up rather quickly. To be honest, That I am not playing his GAME, so to speak , anymore.
I want him to walk with and beside me. I want for us to get to a healthier place.
Toxic~ no more for now anyway. ( FIB ) He is really trying. He is , IMO, seeing how healthy interaction makes 'us' so much happier.
On Saturday we stayed up sort of late and talked and listened to music.
And he also has not been drinking as much. He also said ... I don't want to go out anymore. In a melancholy voice . That to me, { no I am not a mind reader } , Suggests , he feels remorse.
I don't want to say anything yet. Or sit on my laurels either. I hope that this new behavior and action, on his part. STICKS~
I hope he feels the peace that comes with 'us' getting along.
ME? It is hard to explain the way I have been acting. I for sure dropped the rope when he hit bottom . That day was too much for me. I have let go even more. I am calmer than ever and I am proud to say that I feel peace. {for the most part }
It is in Gods hands.... I cannot control this anymore than I can control the weather or the flower that grows in my front yard. But I am allowing myself to feel some optimism.
I am allowing myself to have fun with him We have laughed a lot this week and joked around more. It hasn't been perfection. It cant be we are Human. But it is light years better. Less alcohol, less fog. More peace~
He did get angry at me for not backing up the dually { big work truck } right. OR rather his way.
I let him know later that was unnecessary. he listened and I am sure he actually heard me.
Thank you all for your support and your energy. I am blessed to have such awesome and vibrant Cyber friends...
I have thought a lot this past week about... Vulnerability. and about how maybe I was a part of my hubby acting the way he does. I thought of myself and my husband. Was I at all to blame for his behavior? { not his drinking but his attitude and behavior towards me? }
For my sitch. And MY Marriage.
OK so sure my hubby is x, y and z. But what if my 'attitude' was somehow drawing the 'assh*le' in him out?
Was I ever vulnerable with him?
I pondered it and thought what the hell. I am going to experiment.
and to explain what I did is hard but I will try.
I decided to be ' lighter ' with him.
And by that I mean...
I decided to not have expectations of him As in, he should really have said Thank you, boy is he rude.
I decided not to be so hard on him. As in, that is not the way I would have done it and therefore he doesn't love me.
I decided not to prove myself to him so much. Maybe it comes off as I think I am better than him. YUCK~ As in trying so hard to be perfect { FOO BS~} that I forget to live and breathe.
I decided to just have fun with him like I would anyone else. To let the past go. To stop worrying so damn much. To enjoy him and allow him to enjoy me.
The real me... not the me trying to prove , I deserve for him to enjoy me.
He is not my 'parents' I don't need to get his attention. I already have it. he is my husband.
I don't have to get straight A's I don't have to be on the drill Team. I don't have to fight for every ounce of attention. I don't have to excel at everything I can just be me, I can enjoy life and have fun too. It is OK! The glorious person that God created... that he made. Just me flaws and all. I am special just because I am not because I have to bend over backwards. He does love me... but I am trying so hard to prove myself... I never get to enjoy the good moments when he shines and has shown me love.
It sounds as if he may have turned the corner. This is so wonderful for you two if he has. I like your thoughts about just wanting to have fun with him. I think about this often too. You marry someone that you have so much fun with and want to enjoy with them the rest of your lives. Then life gets in the way (money, crisis, kids, illness) instead of having fun all of the sudden you find yourself fighting with your playmate. Why is that though? You are the same two people, the challenge that is thrown at you is the same for both of you. Why take it out on each other? Tackle the problem together so you can get back to the fun part. Seems like a simple idea but doing it in life is another thing.
I have learned so much from you Ali about letting go of the hurt and anger. By showing love and patience for them and like you say being yourself, we can get back to the just enjoying them and being with the one we love and having fun with them when we can.
Did I tell you that you and my wife have the same first name? She goes by her middle name though. It's just a funny coincidence.
I have thought a lot this past week about... Vulnerability. and about how maybe I was a part of my hubby acting the way he does. I thought of myself and my husband. Was I at all to blame for his behavior? { not his drinking but his attitude and behavior towards me? }
For my sitch. And MY Marriage.
OK so sure my hubby is x, y and z. But what if my 'attitude' was somehow drawing the 'assh*le' in him out?
Was I ever vulnerable with him?
Ali,
Do not fall into the trap of thinking you are responsible. He is a man. He is in control of himself and his actions (or should be).
And no, from all that I have read of your situation, the problem is not your lack of vulnerability .
The problem is his attitude to you (disrespectful and taking you for granted), to his children, and abusing alcohol.
Maybe he is starting to improve in these areas, and I don't want to rain on the parade, but its still early days. Also:
(1) What's this move all about - whose idea? why? why now? is this just a "quick fix"?
(2) Has he taken any steps about the alcohol, other than not drinking as much recently?
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
We have to move... the owner of this house is selling it to his friend. I feel ok about it. Sort of overwhelmed at the same time. BUt OK~ Other than slowing down his drinking and not going out? not much....
aside from the assh*le side of him coming out to play less. I know it is just the very beginning sweetie but he is trying at least.
Had he not done these things this weekend?
I wouldn't have felt this optimistic. He still has a long road to travel. If I stay at his side will very much be up to him and his changes. The ball is on his court, not mine. I cant control him. I can only control my happiness and that is what I am working on. I am not HAPPY as a lark , per se. But I feel more stable. and I will keep working on my Happiness. And letting go more and detaching more.
Ali that is such good news! 
