Should I go or not? Family Do

[onedge]

Hi all,

My sons birthday is next weekend and I have been invited around to my WAW's place for the party, I'm not really comfortable with going because
1. My email a couple of weeks ago upset her family a lot.
2. My WAW flirts a lot, and there is a guy who will probably be there who she seems to have a EA with. I'm not sure if I should go,

I have my kids that weekend so I will be taking them when i leave, which means I will be there untill 9pm or so, and if it's anything like the other birthdays all of the guys will stay at Ws place and get drunk which i can deal with right now, but when I'm there I probably wont be able to.
I'm so unsure about it all that i'm feeling sick even thinking about it.

Any Ideas?

[JCJ]

Dear onedge

I just wanted to share with you something I posted a while back about a DBing coaching session I had, I don't know if you'd find it helpful, but here goes.

'She pointed out to me, in the nicest possible way, that I tend to be maternal, disapproving and over-protective of my h. This is exhibited in my disapproval and discomfort around him doing his band gig at the weekend. I worry about him as last time they got so drunk that his bf broke his leg and carried on, he really damaged it. I also hate the way he is when he is drunk as he gets rude, looses his sense of his own limits and usually gets into trouble somehow.

DBC (Divorce Busting Coach) said to me not to make him choose between his friends and me. She asked me how I thought he felt when he was with them and I said appreciated, entertained, likes being with them and free. she then asked how he felt when he was with me and I replied not appreciated, mothered, taken care of, limited.

She pointed out that in his current state of good health from coming out of a serious illness what would be the most appealing option. He is doing stuff any 26 year old would do and I am putting myself in a maternal position and being too serious. She said our relationship needs to be peer-to-peer and a good example is the EA saying 'drunkard' on his FB wall. She is being his peer and jesting with him. If I judge and get cross I will not come over well. He doesn't know when the illness will come back so wants to have fun.

The reason that I would be cross is because of him not helping me with the house but she said that is because I am having expectations a wife would have not a friend or peer. It is too much pressure. In fact, his email to me was very much the way a friend would talk and more than an acquaintance.

She said I shouldn't condone the drinking if it goes against my core values but to show an interest in the music side and ask how the gig went. That way we can build a connection over that. I need to get off my high horse! He has been responding well to gestures like the birthday present and the cat picture therefore he is beginning to think of us as equals. I need to carry on with that and see him as my equal not me being superior and thinking I know best. Let him know I am safe.'

[onedge]

Thanks JCJ,
I can understand and relate to that, but i'm still unsure of what to do, I know that she will flirt in front of me and I know that she will see how I react...... On that note i'm not sure what will happen this weekend and how it will effect next.

This weekend there is a camping trip from friday to sunday, they will be going about 2-3 hours from my town and they will all be drinking and stuff, paintballing on the second day. I was invited before the Bomb but they thought it would be better if only one of us goes, and it ended up being my W.
Some people seem to be on edge about it. My brother in law (who I've known since before I met my W) is not looking forward to it and is quite upset with a lot of the people who are going. W seems to be a little bit odd about it but i'm not sure why, she was excited yesterday but now things seem different. I guess time will tell but I'll post any developments.

[sandycay]

You should only go if you can act AS IF it's water off your back. If you can't stomach this behavior from your wife without acting bothered, sad, depressed ...don't go It will be a slide backwards....sometimes we have turn away opportunities to DB because we can't do it at that time.

When ever I couldn't do it good...I laid low. Now, because it is your sons birthday party I would certainly try to pull up my boot straps.

One question I always ask myself....."Is what I'm about to SAY or DO going to put me closer to my goal." If the answer was NO, (it usually was)I did nothing. It was a rule that I lived by always, no compromise. It helped because I always had to pause and ask myself the question, thus giving me time to think about it.

Also, you should not indulge in alcohol at this event..that's like pouring Gas on an open flame. Both of you drinking together at this stage is not good.


Hey, find something fun for you to do this weekend.

[onedge]

i'm not really much of a drinker anyway, Idon't get me wrong, i could go and get blind :). but that wouldn't help either, I won't be drinking coz' i have the kids, maybe a beer or 2, when i take the kids, i'm literaly under 1/2 a mile away.

I am going out with some other friends this weekend, but i'm working aswell so i can't really let go, it's going to be depressing to say the least though, but i'll suck it up :). Thanks for the advice Sandy

[onedge]

I have a moral dilema now, I am siding towards going, and I will be doing my best not to act upset if W flirts with other people (I know she wont with me, she hasn't for a while). If she asks about it, what do i say? she will take it as me not caring (or still not caring, if she still thinks there is a possibility of getting back together).
I'm in 2 minds, on one hand - If I just let it go and don't even pay attention, then i'm doing the same as I was when we were together, only more-so, as then i had a hurt look on my face.
On the other hand, I will seem like i really REALLY, don't care, will she feel free-er to do it, or bad that i don't care?
But if I get angry and pissed off, then it's a 180, but I will also be persuing?
Confusing, need help please