Backsliding

[EnergyAZ]

Back in June, my WAW decided to give our M another try.

We have been having an awesome summer and we booked our family vacation, a cruise along the Mexican Riveria. It was to be a grand celebration - to reconnect & rekindle as well as to celebrate the fact we both got great new jobs. We leave on this cruise in a little over a week. We hosted a pool/BBQ party, we did day trips, family fun days, dates, regular sex life, it was great - it was honeymoon!

2 days ago, she backslid back to where she was last spring...aka no energy to invest in our marriage, no interest in our relationship, ILUBNILWU, you deserve better, etc

And as she backslid, so did I - back into that blubbering clingy fool who cant stop talking about the R and what the hell happened after everything had been progressing so well.

So here we are, 1 week removed from the cruise. She now wants to treat it as a final special memory of our family for our son, rather than the original motive for the trip; the celebration of our new lives together. This trip (from my perspective) is totally ruined now, I have no idea how I am going to handle it. I asked her if she could just play the role of my wife..just for that week, she said she didnt want to confuse me, lead me on, give me false hope...

I had barely begun to heal when these wounds were ripped open again.

I feel like I am back to square 1. I am so frustrated and distraught and dont know what to do. So I am back here again, refreshing my mind on the strategies that helped me get this far.

I have no idea what-so-ever on what I might have done to trigger her backslide. She gave me the wholly unsatisfying answer of "Its not you, its me." That doesnt help explain anything!

She went on to apologize about how sorry she is for hurting me again, how wonderful I have been, how great the changes I have made for myself are....but she doesnt feel any chemistry & unlike last time, wont allow me to 'talk her into trying again'

I asked her to give it time, that our M isnt going to be fixed over night and that it would take some time. She apparently considers our R as a waste of time and she wants to move forward.

Now I need some suggestions from folks who did have a backslide during the piecing phase, and how they handled it. Just treat it like the original bomb and start all over again? Or is there hope this backslide could reverse itself as quickly as it came in?


BTW - last night I ordered "The Marriage Breakthrough" DVDs from this site. I have no idea if she will watch them with me or not.

[Tipper]

EnergyAZ,

I first want to say that I am truely sorry about your situation, but I for one, can honestly relate.

My mlc/wah left me for the first time in March '07, He was gone for almost 5 months and then came back to work on the M in August '07.
He moved into my new condo I was forced to buy when we sold our dreamhouse and lived with me there until dec '07 when he gave me the same speech as your WAW did and moved out for the second time.

I felt crushed all over again. It was terrible to feel like all the hard work I did DBing was a waste. But it wasnt.

When he left the 2nd time, i didnt know what to do anymore. For about the first few weeks, I totally gave up. Then I realized I just couldnt seem to push my H out of my Heart. So I started DBing all over again.

In mid feb. '08 he returned to me again, with promising words and a nice week of reconnecting. However, He had turned into a complete alcoholic and was at the bars every night. When I said something to him about his behaviors, he said "i just dont accept him for who he is", and left me again for the third time after just one short week of romance.

Again, I tried everything from DBing, GAling, and tough love. I was about to truely give up, I had no other choice other than to completely let him go. So I started to really set up boundaries. I told him to stop drunk texting me, and gave him rules about visitations with the dog, & I didnt get him a b-day gift...ect. He started to notice me really pulling away.

Then at the beginning of May '08, he started to text me and ask me questions about our R. I told him I wouldnt talk to him over the phone and that he needs to address me in person. It took him about a week to finally come speak to me and when he did, he said "he thought that he didnt give our M enough of a chance and that he was really sorry and wants to try again". This was the apology I had been waiting for for over a year. It was sincere and he even put my pain into words that showed me that he could feel it.

Since May '08, my H and I have been peicing for our fourth time, and things seem to be going well. My H is still living in a seperate apartment than my townhouse because we decided to take things slow. We just got back from a trip to Florida/Bahamas that we booked for our 8th anniversary. It was a blast. We did some good reconnecting and it was very romantic in ways.

Now we are back to reality again, living apart -but working on us. It is so hard, and I know that my H is still very much in his crisis and confused. I have all I can do at times to bite my tongue and not scream or cry at the choices he still is poorly making. But I know that only sends him out the door and running.

I guess that I just want you to know that you shouldnt give up yet. Especially since she notices your changes and says how great you have been to her. Sometimes they feel like their is just no passion left in themselves towards you, but then they realize later they really do when they are missing you and how great you are.

So, dont push her to do anything she doesnt want. Make her feel like you accept her leaving and that you are moving on to build a new life yourself. It will be hard to act this way on your trip, but you must - despite your hurt and pain.

I think that the whole WAS/MLC process is just that... a long drawn out process in which they need to spread their wings and see what else is out there for them. Allow it to happen, dont fight it, and be as patient as possible because (as you said) this does not get better overnight.

You may go through the dance like I had to, them coming and going as they please. It is probably one of the hardest tasks a human can be put through in my opinion, but if your up for it then there are things you can do.

DB your but off, if something works - keep doing it. If it doesnt work - stop doing it right away. It is a trial and error process for us. It will make you a better person in the long run. If she does leave again, go back to DBing and try something new. BE CREATIVE.

Again, I just want to reassure you that this is very normal, and all it means is that she is still confused. It is not the end until YOU say it is. She may think its over, but you know that you won her back once before and there is a strong bond between you that she may not be able to let go of in the long run. So hold onto hope and have faith that you can affect and influence the way she feels about you with out ever trying to change her.

DBing has saved me in so many ways. Stick with it.
TIPPER
p.s. I have a thread I started in MLC forum that is called "piecing pointers" and I listed 20 that have been helpful to me.

[EnergyAZ]

Thanks for your reply Tipper

How do you find the strength? I really admire that, but have to admit for the 1st time during this whole mess that I really feel my strength dwindling by the day.

I suppose it couldnt hurt to mention my wife suffers from periodic bouts of depression. She had made enormous personal strides in this department over the last 1 1/2 years - however, dealing with her depression over the years has been very tough for me.

As she made strides for herself, as her self confidence improved, self doubt waned - she came to a realization that never in her life had she ever been truly independant. And she had decided that she needed to go out in the world and experience her independance. At what cost I would ask her - that my son and myself should sacrifice the family life we love so much so she can satisfy this curiosity of hers?

Anyhow - she just called me, had a bad day at work, sobbing uncontrollably - looks like the manic side has come back a little.

I am so exhausted. Its been nearly 8 years of drama. I dont know how much more of it I can take. I worked so hard to build the life that I have, I just want to enjoy it. And as soon as it seems she is out of the depression woods - her 'enlightenment' compells her to destroy her family.

So I work even harder trying to keep it all together. Trying to continously improve myself, fighting for the marriage, being on the recieving end of countless gloom & doom nights from my W, trying to be the best father I can be, trying to maintain a high level of performance at work.

I am just so exhausted I cant help but allow my mind to escape by daydreaming 'what if'

What if I just move on, find a woman who is not so high maintanance and finally, finally begin to enjoy the life I worked so hard to build.

I know...I am down right now, gotta find a way to get back up. Tomorrow is a new day

carpe diem

Thanks again for your reply & good luck with your efforts - I wish you all the success in the world!

[Tipper]

Energy,
I can feel your pain. I understand what it is like to live with a manic-depressive person, as my H deals with it also. He can act like life is great one day and be really happy with everything, and then the next day, he is miserable and down in the dumps and I get the blame placed on me.

I often ask myself the same ?'s about why I put up with it all, when I know I want more out of my life. But for some reason, I always get reminded of our problem free days, before he was diagnosed, and that always makes me want to work on things in our M.

The things I am dealing with with my H right now are not normal for most relationships. Most women in my shoes would be long gone by now. It is a daily struggle to accept the things my H does, and then I cant even tell him how I think or feel with out him ever blowing up at me or running again.

For some reason, I am still DBing. It must be faith. I hope that one day we can have a better relationship, and I continue to work for one.

I can understand your thoughts about your W. I guess it is up to you to decide how much longer you can really put up with it. I know your exhausted, but I always try to urge people to still strive for a healthy M. Only you will know when enough is enough.

Has your W ever moved out before or ask for a legal seperation or Divorce? The reason I am asking is becuase, a lot of people feel differently after their spouse is gone. I knew my heart was broken the day my H first left me, and from that point on I have done every thing possible to get our M back together. I think it is becuase of the reality of what life was like with out him. I am fully physically capable of being alone, but my emotions always went back to him and I felt extremely lonely.
TIPPER

[Tipper]

Energy,
Hey, I just happened to be reading a book by Dr. Phil about relationship rescue and reconnecting with your Spouse. I found an interesting theory of how you may be feeling amoungst the reading.

The theory states that many people "give up" when they have tried every thing that they think they can do with no positive results (and this is a learned experience).

For example, when you put a dog in a room that has a floor painted half white and half red stripes and shock the dog every time it goes onto the red stripes, the dog will learn to not go onto the part of the floor that has the red stripes. And then if you put the dog in the same room and change the shock so that it shocks the dog every time it goes on the white part it will again do the same and learn to not go on the white part of the floor. But then when you put the same dog in the same room where the floor shocks the dog no matter where it stands it will give up and roll over. Then if you try to change the experiment again and go back to only shocking the dog when it goes on the red striped floor, it will still have given up and roll over and not look for another option and will not even try again to figure out safety even when pulled into the white safety zone. It is in another words a sense of learned helplessness.

This example of the dog may be what your feeling right now. You have felt like you have done every thing possible but still keep getting the shock. So your feeling like you want to give up, since you dont yet see any other solutions and believe that nothing else that you try will work.

My opinion is that there are probably things you may not of thought of yet that will get you what you want in the long run. This whole experience the LBS goes through is a learning process that will take a lot of time to really figure out what works and what doesnt. If it has worked, keep doing it. Something in your Wife's mind is not working for her in this relationship and it is up to you to figure out what it is. Even when they are in MLC, there are many things you can do that will experiment with to try and keep your R together.

So now, instead of giving up like the dog learned to, instead I urge you to keep seeking answers about what works with you two and what doesnt. Keep processing the information you gather and use it to find more solutions. Hopefully some day down the line it will pay off for you. We must be patient.
TIPPER