Is he starting to come home?

[No Longer BH]

I have been posting under infidelity for the last three months. My H moved out in March to find himself while in the depths of a deep depression. In May he admitted to an A. Said it was a friends with benefits sitch, but was not willing to give up his friendship with her. Then started to say he no longer want any kind of R with me and thought we should file for a LS. SInce he was no longer willing to have NC with her, I filed for D in July. He reacted by pulling our money and cutting me off financially. After many threats and lots of anger, he finaly came to an agreement concerning money for now. We had our first mediation appoint on July 24th (our 18 year wedding anniversary). After it was over, he wanted to talk to me. Said he was sorry for the A, that it should have never happened. Said that he had not had sex with her in 2 months but was still friends with her. Said he was still depressed but trying to get to a healthy place, but felt we still needed to D. I agreed with everything he said on the outside but was still hurting on the inside.

After mediation, the tone of his emails to me started to soften. First they were the woe is me kind like - if there was a brick wall hard enough to knock some since into me I would bang my head against it. After these came the "I hope you find peace" type of emails. And now they are friendly joking emails.

Two weeks ago I brought up me moving back to the house w S (when I found out about A I packed me and S up and moved 2 hours away into my brother's place). H was so excited to get S back into town and agreed immediately to move out so we could come back. Then H came up for S last IC appointment that was in the town we were at. While S was talking to IC, H was Mr. Chatty. Kept saying I looked great (lost a ton of weight and dressing cute again) would pat my thigh while joking with me and even asked if maybe we could go to lunch to talk about things S is going through. I was happy neighbor, thanked him for his comments and did not commit to anything. After they left, H called me to say thank you for such a great conversation.

Then, Sat I moved back into house. H knows I am going to be there at 4:30 and S is over at a friends house for a sleepover. H was suppose to be gone by then. Ten minutes after I get there H shows up becasue he forgot something. He joins me and my neighbor in a conversation and keeps talking about how great I look. He then wants to help me unpack and follows me around the house while I unload my suitcase. I finally tell him I have plans and he needs to go (in a friendly way). I then find a note he left saying he washed my sheets for me, bought my favorite cereal and made some jokes to me in the letter. It was totally out of his current behavior. He then called me Monday 3x's (only answered the last) to find out about S first day at school. Wants to talk to me when he never has before.

Tuesday at S new IC appointment, he is Mr Chatty again. I go out and he watches S. When I get back he stays to talk to me for about 30 min until I said I have to go to bed. Repeat again on Thursday until he brings up that we need to start to discuss some things for our upcoming D (which we both agreed to put on hold until Feb/March until our house sell due to financial reasons). We are still going to go to mediation to work out our issues, but will complete our D after house sells. It really confused me that he has been reaching out to me, joking with me and making a point to let me know he is not in a R with anyone, then wants to talk about D and gets angry about it.

Do you think he might be coming out of the fog? Is this how it typically happens - they start to test the waters before they actually start to think about coming back? I have been DBing my butt off this last month becasue I do not want my M to end. I am just affraid that he is not testing the waters, he is just relieved that there no longer anger between us so he wants to be just friends. Any advise would be so welcome.

[Sara]

Hi BH,

I don't know the answer to the question. But you sound good and strong, and I can see that your situation has changed for the better. Whatever you are doing seems to be working. Congratulations. It looks like he respects you more than he did before. If he does say he wants to reconcile, then you could insist on doing Retrouvaille before he moves in.

[saffie]

D is not always the end.....and it does often polarise the WAS's mind and get them questioning things. Like Sara said, what you are doing seems to be working.....keep on doing it. Many a person on here has had the D halted at the last minute....or even reconciled afterwards.

BTW, when my H was having his A I lost lots of weight and he said that it hurt him not to be being intimate with him because he thought I was so hot!!! Flaunt it girl.

Good Luck

[No Longer BH]

Sara, I have had that thought about Retro as well. There are too many issues for us to adress alone, and I would want to do it in a healthy enviroment. R talk has not even come up between us, though. I am just going by his actions at this time. It is almost like he is his old self around me; joking and doing acts of service for me without me asking him to. We did take a small step back on Thursaday night. He was agitated when I got home due to a fight with our S. He then spiraled into talking about gettin on with mediation and he felt we obviously still had communication problems. I was detached and did not engage in any form of his antagonising behavior. At the end of the night he was apologising for his behavior but I could tell he was still upset. I have not heard from him since. I look at it like this: we are on a long journey and there will be bumps in the road. I do not let it get to me when he brings up the D, instead I think that until he feels safe enough to truely want to come home, then he is going to continue to think he wants a D. I am focusing on the baby steps instead of the end results and it feels like he is giving me those.

Saffie, it is funny how when we lose so much weight our confidence comes back. I know that towards the end of our R, my self esteem was so low that I looked to my H to fill me up. That was not fair to put that kind of pressure on anymore. We are all responsible for our of happiness, and it took this event in my life to show me that I needed to work on my insides to get that confidence back. When the weight started to come off, it was an added bonus. Now I am the happy go lucky girl that I was when we first met AND look great as well. I think these changes in me are what are starting to draw my H back in.

The fear I still have is that I am reading too much into his actions. What if he truly does not love me anymore? Although, I feel that we have been through too many wonderful times in our relationship for his love for me to disappear that quickly. I still think that his lack of love was really his depression masking his ability to feel any love. I would appreciate any thoughts on my situation - good or bad. Thanks.

[No Longer BH]

Went out with friends yesterday and had a wonderful time. It is those moments that make me see that no matter what H decides, I need to continue to focus only on my happiness. I know he can see it, has even commented to me how I feel more at peace. Funny thing is I started to change for him, but kept going for me.

[No Longer BH]

H called to talk with S tonight. In the past he would say good bye to S and that would be that. He asked to talk to me and was joking around and even asked how I was doing. This is the second time he has done this now. Wanted to know about my weekend. I am taking these as more baby steps. I am still very affraid that I am putting too much hope into this and will just get hurt all over again. Would love some advice or input on whether any one else feels this is the begining of reconnecting.

Thnks

[runningoutoftime]

BH,

It's hard to know the answer to your question. It may be that reconciliation is passing through his mind, and he wants to get on your good side just in case he decides he does want to stop the divorce.... or it may be he just wants the D to go smoothly and he wants to be friends so you don't "take him to the cleaners."

My only advice is that as long as that D is in motion, you continue to GAL and emotionally protect yourself. Don't tell your H about your own personal life. Go out looking great and don't give him information about what you are doing. Be a little mysterious.

As long as you can emotionally protect yourself, continue to try and build the friendship up with him, flirt a little, be friendly and happy. But be busy because "as a divorced woman" you will need to create a life for yourself.

One thing that might be helpful to keep in mind is that most men are captivated by "the chase" and if you make this too easy he won't feel like he needs to convince you to take him back. Make him work a little if that's where this is going. Does that make sense?

[No Longer BH]

Ok, I really need some advice here. Please all of you wise souls help me. So, like I have stated H has been reaching out to me in little ways. I have been very kind and appreciated but have definately been acting as if my life is just great w/o him. Last night I saw his facebook page and there was a pic of him and OW hugging eachother with the caption "Me and Sunshine" (and, no that is not her name). I know, I know, I should not have looked, but I wanted to see what she looked like. I have always pictured her to be so pretty and here is the thing, she is NOT atractive at all and is very overweight. H had even admitted to me not so long ago that she was not very attractive. I just wanted to see for myself.

Anyway, I sent him an email saying that I got this picture of them together and wanted him to know that I was ok with him being in a relationship. That this was HIS journey now and he should take it with whomever he felt he needed to take it with. I just wanted him to know that it disappointed me that he kept lying to me as of the status of them. I was hoping to at least get to a more trusting place as we moved through our D. Again, I know, not very DBing AT ALL!!! We all slip on occasion.

He called me first thing this morning and wanted to apologise to me for seeing the pic. He said that he knew that it must have been very painful and he hoped it did not bring up too many angry feelings. He said that as far as she was concerned, he has always been honest with me - they are not in a relationship but are very good friends. He has talked in depth with her on this subject and he is just too lost still to be having a relationship with anyone. He wants to figure out who he is first then see what kind of person he wants to have a relationship with. He said that this is why he still wanted to continue with D, because he just needed to let go to find himself. I listened to everything he had to say, validated it and even told him how I undestood why he needed to leave our R to find himself. He told me that he still had deep feelings for me and that he still wanted to be connected to me (still does not think he is love with me but that was not brought up, could just tell by his words). After it was over, he thanked me many times for a great conversation and appreciated me listening to him. During this conversation he kept complimenting me, saying I am a great mother, he has always admired certain qualities in me and at time was jelous becasue he wished he had them, and he had so much respect for me.

I had to see him later tonight at S IC appointment. He thanked me again for conversation and was talking to me. Not as much as he had at the other IC, but is was still ok.

Now, here is were I need help. Do I kept acting like I just dont care if he comes back but friendly and joking and even flirty towards him or is he cake eating and just using me to build his ego and lessen his guilt. After all if we can be such good friends, then he must be a good guy despite having an A. I want my H back and I am starting to see the old him peek out. This guy has not been around for 2+ years do to MLC. Please, any advice?????

[No Longer BH]

Ok, so I decided to go ahead and have a DB Coach session to find some answers. I am so glad that I did. Leni (my coach) really put a positive spin on things. I am tired of the - you should leave the @sshole or he is never coming back because he already has someone else - type of comments. They are negative and distructive and I dont really want to hear them. Apparently I have done alot of learning through out this process because the coach said I have been doing everything right here lately. She agreed with me that she thought he was in MLC and starting to come out of it. She said that I should not even give the OW a thought, even though he still sees her and talks to her, because she is just a cheap drug that he will be throwing away here soon enough. They only are using eachother as a shallow way to boost their egos, and it will end, especially if he is not seeing her as a R right now (he has NEVER said he has had deep feelings for her, she's just a friend that he crossed the line with). She said to not even think about her, or wonder if he is cake-eating. These are negative thought and will not serve me at all. When the LBS does all of the things that I have and am doing to get to a positive place in their life, its the OW who is thrown out, so why even wonder about her. My energy needs to be focused on the positive and the baby stepps we are making.

Some of the things that we talked about that I need to do are :

We talked about how I need to be inconsistant. Send a funny email and then dont respond back to any of his for a few day. Compliment him (on how he looks, on how he is a good provider, on his ability as a parent) and then be lofty around him the next time but still happy. This will trigger the "I want more of the positive build ups" responce and make him start to reach out to me more often in order to get more consistant good feedback.

I need to always have positive energy around him. People are drawn to happy people because they want to feel good also. This will also make him feel more comfortable and relaxed around. SHe said to even throw in some flirting on occasion (but not consistantly). A little touch here and there.

Make sure I am still mysterious. Do not tell him what I am doing, who I am with. At first he will not care, but as his bond grows he will then want to be a part of that and will feel left out.

Act with interigty and honesty - no lying or dating (or even faking that I am dating). Mysterious is all I need to do. This way there is nothing to bite me in the @ss if he does come back and it does not erode my self esteem to act in a undignified manner. Only good things can came from honesty.

Last she said that I need to really think about things before I act/react. I need to ask myself "What is the purpose for what I am about to say or do? Is it out of despiration? This is seen as a controlling, manipulative way to force the WAS back. Or is it done out of inspiration? This will only give way to positive feelings because it was said/done out of compassion, regaurdless of the outcome." Makes since to me.

She said she really thought we were on the right path now. That there have been many babysteps he has taken, but he is not in a place to want to acknowledge what he feels. People who are "done" do not behave the way he is behaving - complimenting me, buying little things for me, making music cd's for me, asking me how I am doing, wanting to have conversations with me. He is not in a place to acknowlegde his true feels but his actions are definately saying that he still has feelings for me. I need to focus on ONLY trying to become his friend right now. This will gain back his trust and re awaken within him his love for me. Once I feel that he has committed to being my friend, I need to work on becoming his best friend. Reconsilitaion is just a small step after that. This is the most successful path and she feels we have already started to take our first steps on it.

Any suggestions on good ways to reach out but not seem too needy? I dont want to go too fast for fear he will withdraw back into his hole.

[runningoutoftime]

Excellent advice!!!

Inconsistent "reaching out" which might be doing a nice thing just to do it (and that's not needy), and then being busy and not doing something for awhile is a good way to avoid pushing him back in a hole. Also, doing it without expectations (i.e., "Just thought you might like that, no big deal...." Just thought I'd invite you, but I understand if you are busy and can't make it...").