what in the world?!?!

[bluerain]

Well, H leaves for Virginia for 8 months tomorrow. It makes me sad to see that he is really leaving, but maybe a little empowered that its time for me to really take my life into my own hands.

After too many glasses of wine I gave him a call the other night, I told him that I know he doesnt want me to sign the papers, but I dont know why, and I need to. I asked him if it was just because he would get more money as a married man(he gets dependents pay) or if there was anything else. I told him that I dont know if I should hold on for 8 months or try to move on! He said it wasnt fair for him to ask me to put my life on hold (What exactly about his actions HAS been fair?!). I asked him if there was any chance at all that we would have a chance to fix things, and he said he didnt know. Thats a big improvement over the solid No answers that I had been getting. I asked him if I would ever see him again and he said maybe. He just disgusts me.

I keep thinking about what his mother said, about how I need to give HIM time to heal. I realize that it is totally normal to grieve when the affair ends, and I agree that several things need to healed, but it pi$$es me off that she had the nerve to say that to ME. Its no wonder that he runs as soon as anything gets hard, his mother taught him that one. This quality of his is actually one of the things that Im glad I dont have to deal with anymore. I dont have to try to deal with things on my own when the $hit hits the fan, there is no illusion of having a H who will stand by me, I guess he cant let me down anymore.

I am so tired of this. Its like the last 8 months were a total waste. Like he just went nuts and f*(ked everything up and now hes better, but things got too messed up to fix. Him being unfaithful just ruined everything and it was totally unnecessary! Just a waste of a good life and a good marriage so he wouldnt have to be lonely while the ship was gone. It makes me sick to think that if he had just come to me, we could have fixed our problems before everything spiraled out of control.

My IC thinks that he is having a change of heart. Too bad it came after my change of heart. I like to think that we could make it work, but Im not too confident right now. And Im not even sure thats a bad thing, I (up until now) have been feeling better than I had in a long time, I had almost let him go. Now that I know he will be on the other side of the continent I think its all really hitting home. I just feel like as soon as he crosses the border thats it. Game over, I failed at the one thing that was really important that I was successful.