I still don't understand. I am trying. I don't know how you could do this to me and to us. Did you ever love me? I believed you did. I believed that you would love me forever. You promised me that you would. I've read and re-read the letters you wrote to me when we were young. I've kept them all. I have the letter that has the cartoon that you drew. The last frame was a picture of you and me holding hands with three kids around us. The caption read "you and me and our children live happily ever after." I want my happily ever after. I want US back. I want my family back.
Why do I have to sit home alone missing everyone. Why do I have to pay when I'm not the one screwing a former co-worker. Why do I have to pretend to the rest of the world that this is all just because we needed time apart. Why do I have to listen to small town rumors about how I never let you do anything. Well, there is one thing I would have never let you do when living here, and I guess you can do that now and still wear your wedding ring. Do you wear it when you are in bed with her? Why can I not scream from the rooftops what you've done. I told you I wouldn't. I don't want our kids to konw. You are and have always been such a wonderful father. I don't want our kids to know. I don't want to rob them of their childhood. I don't want to rob them from a relationship with you. They need us both. They need us together as a family. Why can't you see that.
You said you were frustrated tonight because getting the kids to your house was complicated by homework and softball practice. Well, it's your fault. It's your fault that we have to have this arrangement, but I'm the one that apologizes for the confusion, because I want you back so badly. I want what we had. I want to find the love again that I thought would never fade.
We used to "fight" about who loved who the most................I win. I don't want to win. I don't want to sit here sobbing, trying to understand what went wrong. Why did it go so wrong.
How can you make me doubt the past? Why do you want me to believe that we were never good. Why. Why do you want me to believe that I have lived a lie. If you ever loved me you could not do this to me. Now I believe you hate me. I don't know why. I've given you all of me. I've given too much of me and there is nothing left.
I can't do this anymore. It hurts too bad. I want to give up, but I can't. I just want the pain to stop.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
You will be okay. What can you do to help yourself right now? Can you meditate or exercise? Can you make a list of everything good in your life? I know it is hard to think of the positives...but you can. This is difficult right now but in time, it will get easier...have faith.
Your children need you to be strong. How would you want them to handle it if they were in this situation...set the example for them.
Hang in there di...it sounds like you have hit a bump in the road but don't let it throw you off your path...focus on the positives that lie ahead...they may be appear to be a little far off but you will reach them before you know it.
I'm writing you here because I know I can't write you for real. I am writing to help get the emotion out. I can't tell you all of this, and even if I could it would do more damage than good. Not to mention you really don't care how I feel anymore.
Why must you lie to me about everything? Why can't you tell me you switched phone plans so you can talk with HER without anyone at the law firm knowing. Why can you not just tell me you want your privacy. How can you actually look at me and tell me that the law firm now has two phone plans, and that somehow that makes sense. In a way it's funny, but so obviously a lie.
Tonight when you dropped S off after baseball practice and you came in to our room, I could see the delight in your eyes when you got a text----cell phone service where you never had it before. Did you answer her text while standing in OUR bedroom? You told me you don't love her. You are giving up everything we worked for, but not for love? I will never understand.
I find it hard to believe that you ever loved me, but now OUR kids are everything to you? They were created from OUR love. They came from US, and now they are "mine" and "yours." This is so wrong.
Remember when I made you meet to talk to me the day after you moved out. You did not have your wedding ring on. You told me it was because you knew that there was a period of time where I didn't where mine and it made you mad. How stupid do you think I am? I know you were with her when I called. I can tell when you lie. I told you that there was a period of time that I didn't wear my ring---months before you moved out. I didn't know what it meant anymore. I took it off, but later could not get it back on, so it was off longer than I wanted. The weight I've gained during all of this makes it nearly impossible to get it on and off. But it's on now. The first time I saw you after you moved out and you didn't have your ring on...........hurts almost more than just about anything else. Although, I know it doesn't mean anything to you. There is no way it could.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Dear H, I'm sorry that I had to talk to you yesterday. I just couldn't take it anymore. We've been together for 28 years and it seems that everyday you push me away a little further. You treat me like a stranger, as if the last 28 years haven't happened. I needed you to know what this is doing to me. The e-mail you sent that was so business like, so formal, put me over the top.
What I didn't ask yesterday was why can you not look at me? Why can you not say goodbye when you leave? Not that you would have answered. You weren't able to answer any of my questions. I don't know why I asked. You say you will try. I don't want you to. If you can't tell me when asked that the last 28 years meant something to you, then I guess I know the answer. If you can't tell me that you don't think I'm a vindictive bi*** when asked, you must think that I am. I don't get that one though. If I were, I would be telling everyone what is really going on. I would be trying to keep the kids away from you............
Is what you've found with her so much better than what we ever had? You couldn't even answer that one. You don't seem happy, but then maybe I have never known you. I know that the person that I have lived with and loved for 28 years could not do this to me. The person you ARE and have been for 45 years would not be able to do this.
I still wonder, can you really believe that the person you met while working an extra job to feed your family just happened to be someone you could change your life for? Is a woman that turned to you when she was married herself someone to give up all we worked for? Can you not see that maybe she turned to you to pay her cheating husband back for what he did to her? I don't even know her, she doesn't know me, why and how could she do this to me?
Thank you for telling me that you will not treat me like a stranger anymore. Thank you for holding my hand and hugging me before I left. Thank you for telling me you will try to aswer my questions, but I really don't want the answers until you're ready to tell me that I'm right and that we belong together.
I will always love you.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I'm sorry that I was wrong about the cell phone. I still don't understand why it makes sense, but D15 told me that it's true----your biz partner's daughter has a new phone/carrier. I'm guilty, once again, of thinking the worst. It's hard not to, though, since you won't talk to me to let me know where you are at with things.
I know that you do not have the answers. I know that at this point you think there is no hope for us. I can see that in your eyes, even though you can’t look at me. I can see that you do not want to hurt me by telling me anything more.
I believe and KNOW that your assessment of our marriage and your feelings for and about me are influenced by, and have been influenced for quite some time, by your feelings for OW. There is nothing that I can do about that, but ask that you acknowledge that in some way, at least to yourself. I’m not delusional, I know that OW would not be in the picture, if WE were perfect.
You have often said that I'm smarter than you. Obviously, I'm not too smart, or I would have seen this coming. I would have done something before it was too late. Now it's not just me paying the price, it's our family. I'm sorry that I've failed. I'm sorry that I've failed our children. They are my world, as were you. I just wish I could have another chance.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I've tried to pretend like this is just about US. I've tried to rationalize the fact that you have turned to OW. There is no excuse for it. You've screwed up. This one is on you. Everything I thought we stood for for over 20 years has been thrown away.
I told you that I know she exists. Part of me knew this 2 years ago when you flatly denied it. I don't know for sure what you are going through, but I do know that THIS is wrong.
I cannot pretend like she doesn't exist anymore. I cannot continue to pretend like we are a family, but with different houses. It is not fair to me. It is not fair to our history, and it is not fair to our family.
Part of me wants to continue to reach out to you, to help you through what you are going through, because I know it's huge. Part of me wants to try to understand. I still love you and I always will, but the part of me that knows how wrong THIS is is taking over.
I know our marriage was troubled. I know we needed help a long time ago. Your solution, to turn to OW was wrong. What you have allowed yourself to do has affected you to the deepest part of your soul. I know that you know what you are doing is wrong. I know this because you can no longer look me in the eyes. I know this because when I try to talk to you about any of this you can only sit in silence. It has allowed you to see our lives and our marriage in a much worse light than it ever was. It has allowed you to turn me into some kind of a monster. It has allowed you to throw away everything that we have worked together to accomplish. It has allowed you to forget all of the good times that we have had together, all of the good memories that still dominate my heart.
If this is what you want, a life with OW----and whatever that entails, then I must, for my health and sanity, let you go. We must move forward with a formal separation agreement, and talk about divorce. This is not what I want. I will never believe that it is the right thing to do for us or for our family, but it is what needs to happen.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I'm still here. I haven't posted or been on this site much (or 40/60). I'm trying to get to a point in my head that will help me let go. I've been to my counselor a couple times. I asked her to help me let go. She said I'm grieving and need to let it run it's course. She also sent me a book, that I'm trying to read..........it's pretty good, but the jury is out about whether it will be helpful.
I haven't posted since I took the kids to H for "his weekend" on the 19th and found him passed out drunk. He was supposed to meet us at the HS football game, and take them home from there. No word from him until half time. He called, was slurring his speech and not making sense. Said he was just going to go home, and I could bring the kids to him. Don't know how he drove to his place. D15 had plans for the night, so I spent the rest of the game trying to decide if I should take the kids to him. My two out of town sisters were coming to visit for the weekend, one I was supposed to pick up from the airport. I had plans---and he knew it.
So, I decided I would take them over and make the decision then. He was in really really bad shape, but with it enough that I thought if I said I was taking them he would make a scene. It was also after 11, and I knew they would all be going straight to bed. I rationallized that S9 and D11 could put themselves to bed, and that they should see it, AND he should wake up with the knowledge that he was like that when he was expecting his kids. I'm sure they reminded him the next day. By the time I left them, I was too late to make my airport run.
My counselor gave me resources to check out, including ALANON. I knew alcohol was a big part of his coping mechanism, but seeing him like that made it all seem so much worse---especially since he knew the kids were coming. She also suggested that maybe the alcohol abuse started first...............and could explain all that followed. I don't know. I haven't pursued anything. I have, however, let H know that that CANNOT happen again, and that I would not leave the kids with him like that ever again.
We've had several family meals out together since. He would normally have a beer or two when we go out, but since that night he's only ordered iced tea or pop. I'm hoping it was a wake up call. My C says it usually takes way more than that, but I don't know.
I've not been playing by the DB rules, another reason for my absence. I've tried to reach out to him via e-mail several times, with no response----with one exception. When I took the kids to him for his Monday night I was very emotional. There is a lot going on at the house with remodelling and trying to get all the things packed for the kids and being tired of dealing with it all and not getting a response from my last e-mail..........so by the time I got to his place I was in tears. He asked me what was wrong (DUHHH!!!), and I of course couldn't say anything. I later sent him an e-mail and explained: "I love you. I miss you. I want our family back together, etc......" I had to stop back by later to drop off D11 (I had taken her to Red Cross Babysitting class since her class is at the same time and place as my stained glass (GAL) class.) He came out and hugged me. He also hugged me the next night when he took the kids. Looked for it last night, but didn't get it.
I'm just so stuck. I want to let go. I want to stop hoping, hoping, hoping. He still will not talk to me, or address anything, including my knowledge of OW, in any way. He avoids, avoids, avoids.
The 28th anniversary of our first date is next week. He most of the time treats me like a stranger.............the man I've loved since I was 15, have been totally devoted to, grew up with and bore three of his kids (including his 10 pound son---without any medication)!!!
I'm keeping busy. I'm taking the stained glass class and have another jewelry class lined up to take in two weeks. BUT I STILL MISS HIM! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I really am at a point that I wish I could be done with H. I want to give up on him and move forward and just be. But I still love and care for him so deeply and worry about his health, and about how his behavior and actions affect our children. I asked my C for help. She said I'm grieving...............need to give it time and learn about how to deal with the loss. I asked if I should file for D, to help me move forward and she told me she didn't think I was ready and/or needed to do that now. I don't know. I am just sure that I need to give up on him.
I read a post from NAEJ that said she wished she had been able to do it 4 years before she did---regretted giving her H 4 more years of her life. I know that as strongly as I feel about wanting my M and family back, my H feels just as strong that it's over and/or he doesn't feel anything at all.
I don't know if it's alcohol, or the cloudiness of MLC, but he just doesn't make sense half the time. Last night he dropped D11 and S9 at the house and said that D15's boyfriend's dad would be dropping her off after they had dinner. He stood at the door to leave and said, I think D15 is home. He looked outside and then closed the door. Called the dog, asked her to go out and check, and then closed the door. He stood there awhile and finally shrugged his shoulders and left. I waited for a while, thinking D awould be coming in, but finally went outside to find no one there. I was confused. I called H and asked if he knew were D was, and was confused because I thought he said she was there. He denied it. Said no, she was never there...............that he knew he was being confusing. Said D should be home around 9. I waited and waited for D, I tried to call her, no answer. She finally came home at 9:30 and said she was sorry she was late----that boyfriend's dad was trying to pack for a trip and was running behind. I said, why didn't you call to ask me to come get you? She said that dad said she needed to get a ride home.....................There were other incongruencies over the weekend, but this one sticks out.
He is not the man I married. He is not the man I've known and loved for 28 years. I truly believes he needs help, but won't get it. I'm almost at the point that I feel I need to ask his friends to help him. I know I can't. I may not ever have him back, but he's going to self destruct. His behaviour is destructive and I'm worried. I need him to get help so he can be there for our children. Together or apart, they need us both.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
