I hope I don't get asked one more time as to why in the world women stand by their no-good men. Frankly, I'm kind of tired of that question. And honestly, since reports of wayward behavior of politicians and high profile celebrities seem to surface with some regularity, it's hard to imagine why we're so surprised when women stay. They do it all the time. But we are surprised.
I'm not, though. I work with near-divorce couples. Infidelity is part of my daily diet. I have learned a lot from these couples. And believe me when I tell you that no one ever thinks that their marriage will fall prey to this sort of betrayal. Most people think that infidelity happens in someone else's marriage. When a neighbor, relative or friend's spouse strays, it's easy to give advice. It's simple to know what you would do if you were in that person's shoes. You'd leave. You wouldn't tolerate such flagrant disregard and disrespect. You'd be outta there so fast, you'd leave dust in your trail. And if you have kids, you tell yourself that they'd be better off without a lyin', cheatin' parent. They'd be better off knowing that a betrayed parent really stood his or her ground. You'd be setting a necessary example of self-care and self-respect. Yes, sir, you know what you would do.
But then it happens to you. And after the shock of the discovery begins to wear off, you start having all these thoughts that weren't in your original Infidelity Escape Plan. You remember that despite your spouse's despicable behavior, you actually love him or her. You find yourself reminiscing about all the years you spent together, the good times that you've had. You focus on the fact that you have children together and that there have been many precious family times. You even recall the bad times and how you lived through them as a team. Your pragmatic voice weighs in and reminds you that your financial situation will change. You start to think about the kids being shuttled back and forth from house to house rather than having a home. The pain of thinking about what it would really be like to say, "Goodbye," and mean it, makes you just a little bit less certain that divorce is the solution. In quiet moments when you feel somewhat more convinced that you actually will survive the pain, you ask yourself, "Can my spouse change?" "Can we do the work necessary to get things back on track?" "Will I ever forgive?" And then slowly, imperceptibly, your focus starts to shift. The impossible gradually becomes a possibility. Before you know it, you're desperately looking for ways to heal and move forward, hoping you'll never pass this way again.
So, all these factors probably have a lot to do with why Elizabeth decided to stay. Plus, unlike most of the couples in my practice, she is married to a politician whose image she might have wanted to protect. Is that a sign of weakness? I think not.
Mostly, we should try not to be judgmental. There's wisdom in the idea that you really don't know how someone feels unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. And even if have, no two people are alike. Let's leave Elizabeth and her family alone. Take all the energy we spend gossiping and judging and funnel it into more productive directions such as spending time with our own spouses and children or offering support rather than condemnation to those who have been betrayed.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I wonder if there could be a version of this topic about "men who stay with their unfaithful wives"?
Perhaps is is more rare, but I am trying to do so, because I believe that preserving a marriage and the family unit is a noble cause to be fought for, even with some sacrifice.
That said, I don't know if I will be able keep going like this forever.
I have a question, my W has broken up with me twice. this time she is calling it quits as she says moving on. she is dating and had alot of bad luck with it and still I don't hear any change in her idea of changing her mind. I have not contacted her for some time and she has called a few times and seems to be small nothings. I know she is seeing someone yet has made no attemt to ask me to move my things out. It was already decided that I would move but she has not pushed me anymore. I have not pursued her anymore. Can this survive...I am not living there. She is aware that I still love her and I have been through so many things with her. she seems to be dating one person as far as I can tell and I am not sure if should continue leaving things as they are....
Me 40 waw 39 Never formally M Common law SD 16 SS 13 Together 9 yrs bomb 10/2/08 She started dating 11/08 Started P/A 01/09 Contiunes to call R over
I agree this is how it happens. My husband cheated on me and moved out. This web site helped me work through my thoughts. There is a lot to loose when you get divorced, and I for one wasn't willing to loose it all if I could help it. I did also love my husband still. He did end up coming back after 3 months, but I had to basically give up and not talk to him for over a week before he contacted me.
Anyway, things have been going good (or so I thought for the last year, but I just recently found where my husband was IM'ing other women on this yearbook website, and with one, he had a emotional affair. I saw the IM log. It was very explicit and they were watching each other on web cams. I did confront him on this, and he said it was just a flirting thing. He felt bad about what happened afterwards and had his login cancelled. I believe it did, as I found an e-mail he sent to this person that stated this, was livid about it and to keep things sane at home, he'd cancelled his logins on yahoo and msn. What is weird is he sent this 3 days before I found out about this, but the e-mail is so right on, it's hard to believe the date. What is bothering me right now though, is I found her reply, were she was hurt because she thought it was more than just a flirting thing. She mentioned that she'd also found out that he'd had a thing going with someone else, and that it was funny that this was happening after he'd sent flowers. I hate the lying and decite. It really hurts, but I do love him. He acts like a jerk when he gets caught, and doesn't really appologize (only after awhile and some talking will he, and only that once). I get frustrated with him and yesterday morning I asked him if he really wanted this marrage to work. He said yes. I asked him then what "HE" was doing to try and make it work. He was totally shell shocked, and didn't know what to say. It was like he'd never considered that he had to do something. Anyway, things were much better that night. I really felt like he loved me. But then I found her reply today (sorry, but I've lost a lot of trust in him), and it just floored me that there were probably more than this one. I'm torn here on what to do. I am trying to give him another chance, but the hurt feelings keep coming on back. If this isn't something he can change himself on, I'm not sure I want him around. It's so complicated because I know he loves me, and I think he's worried about dying and/or me leaving him also, which feeds his actions. If you read the IM's, it's like he's on a sex ego trip. He loves the attention and flattering these other women give him. He really acts like he's into them also. How can you live with someone you don't know if you can trust? How do I not let myself keep getting hurt going forward. Maybe I just can't, and then at some point do I just kick him out? I'm really not sure I could ever file for divorce. There is just too much to loose, and too much I've put my time and money into to just throw it all alway (or sell/split it up) for this [censored]. If he want's it, he'll have to file. Sorry I'm rambling here. I meant to try and get help, but I guess I'm not really sure what the questions are yet that I need help with. I guess I just need to figure out if there will be a point when I'll kick him out, and second, if I'll ever be able to really trust him again. This is strike two for him. How many do I give him before I say enough is enough.
Need2Believe
Me: 45 H: 49 Married - 21 years SD from H 1st M - 30 S - 14 S - 11 Asked for D - 8/14/06 Found out about OW - 8/30/06 Moved out 10/14/06 Moved back in 4/1/07
I agree this is how it happens. My husband cheated on me and moved out. This web site helped me work through my thoughts. There is a lot to loose when you get divorced, and I for one wasn't willing to loose it all if I could help it. I did also love my husband still. He did end up coming back after 3 months, but I had to basically give up and not talk to him for over a week before he contacted me.
Anyway, things have been going good (or so I thought for the last year, but I just recently found where my husband was IM'ing other women on this yearbook website, and with one, he had a emotional affair. I saw the IM log. It was very explicit and they were watching each other on web cams. I did confront him on this, and he said it was just a flirting thing. He felt bad about what happened afterwards and had his login cancelled. I believe it did, as I found an e-mail he sent to this person that stated this, was livid about it and to keep things sane at home, he'd cancelled his logins on yahoo and msn. What is weird is he sent this 3 days before I found out about this, but the e-mail is so right on, it's hard to believe the date. What is bothering me right now though, is I found her reply, were she was hurt because she thought it was more than just a flirting thing. She mentioned that she'd also found out that he'd had a thing going with someone else, and that it was funny that this was happening after he'd sent flowers. I hate the lying and decite. It really hurts, but I do love him. He acts like a jerk when he gets caught, and doesn't really appologize (only after awhile and some talking will he, and only that once). I get frustrated with him and yesterday morning I asked him if he really wanted this marrage to work. He said yes. I asked him then what "HE" was doing to try and make it work. He was totally shell shocked, and didn't know what to say. It was like he'd never considered that he had to do something. Anyway, things were much better that night. I really felt like he loved me. But then I found her reply today (sorry, but I've lost a lot of trust in him), and it just floored me that there were probably more than this one. I'm torn here on what to do. I am trying to give him another chance, but the hurt feelings keep coming on back. If this isn't something he can change himself on, I'm not sure I want him around. It's so complicated because I know he loves me, and I think he's worried about dying and/or me leaving him also, which feeds his actions. If you read the IM's, it's like he's on a sex ego trip. He loves the attention and flattering these other women give him. He really acts like he's into them also. How can you live with someone you don't know if you can trust? How do I not let myself keep getting hurt going forward. Maybe I just can't, and then at some point do I just kick him out? I'm really not sure I could ever file for divorce. There is just too much to loose, and too much I've put my time and money into to just throw it all alway (or sell/split it up) for this [censored]. If he want's it, he'll have to file. Sorry I'm rambling here. I meant to try and get help, but I guess I'm not really sure what the questions are yet that I need help with. I guess I just need to figure out if there will be a point when I'll kick him out, and second, if I'll ever be able to really trust him again. This is strike two for him. How many do I give him before I say enough is enough.
Need2Believe
Me: 45 H: 49 Married - 21 years SD from H 1st M - 30 S - 14 S - 11 Asked for D - 8/14/06 Found out about OW - 8/30/06 Moved out 10/14/06 Moved back in 4/1/07
Yes, the women stay, but I think they would be better served sometimes to go. Why? Because the men come crawling...because when push comes to shove, the guy is scared of losing something he may later want.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I wonder if there could be a version of this topic about "men who stay with their unfaithful wives"?
Perhaps is is more rare, but I am trying to do so, because I believe that preserving a marriage and the family unit is a noble cause to be fought for, even with some sacrifice.
That said, I don't know if I will be able keep going like this forever.
Why is it more rare for a woman to cheat on her husband?
Men & Women are both hooking up and having affairs, is it really so hard to comprehend that women are just as able as men to do this and that the reality is that just as many women if not more are cheating on their husbands.
Let go of the stereotype and embrace the reality. The truth isn't popular but it's still the truth.
Believe me, it's the truth. I'm in the situation right now. I found out, she blamed me for everything I've ever done for 11 years, and she took the boys and left April 11. She filed for divorce April 24. She's been taking my boys to her boyfriends and spending the night. As much as I can't believe I do, I still love my wife. When this first started, I did the opposite of all the advice on here. I begged and pleaded for her to try to work it out. Of course, that just pushed her farther away. (Guess I should've found this site earlier). I honestly don't think it will happen, but if she ever realizes how much she/we are losing by divorcing, how could I possibly take her back? I made a decision last night to not hate her anymore. I thought it would be easier, and the pain more manageable, if I hated her. So for five weeks I've been doing exactly that. I believe hate is a choice, and the physical and mental toll it's taken on me in the last 5 weeks just isn't worth it. I can't get rid of the hurt, but I can make the choice not to hate her. I have done so. But how could it ever work if she ever decided to come back? And why in the hell do I have to still love a woman that could do this to me and our family?
M35 H33 S4 S7 M6 T11 found out about OM 03/11/09 she left 04/11/09 she filed D 04/21/09
Hey, Travis, glad you found your way here. I think most of us, I certainly, did the begging, pleading, and I followed him around like a lost puppy until I found this site. We all did that; so please don't feel bad about that.
You ask why you love someone that has hurt you and your family. I've always wondered how our WAS could stop loving us. I don't get that. You love someone for 10 or 20 years and then just don't. I've gradually been losing love and detaching for my H, but it's been a long gradual process.
Well, I don't think you have to worry at this point about whether she will or won't come back and what you will do. You can decide that later. Now you should focus on you and your boys (sounds like they will need a good role model in you more than ever). Also, if you make up your own thread, rather than add on to this one or someone else's people here will post on your sitch and give advice, ask ?, or whatever. This site has been a lifeline to me esp. in the first year of this. I'm actually a lot happier than I've been in a long time. I've learned a lot, grown, gotten stronger, more self confident. A lot of good can come from this if you like. Karen
